Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

@Nestofwalnuts thank you so much - that’s exactly it…at times it almost feels like I am in an abusive relationship and she makes me feel so bad - incorrect - I allow her to make me feel so bad I guess.But in any event your advice was super helpful so thank you x

I think a lot of young people go through a phase of being a complete tit. For some it starts at puberty, for others when they head off to university. It lasts a shorter or longer period of time, but more or less they come through the other side unscathed, with only a few extra grey hairs for the parents…Good luck and hang in there x

And yes, don’t stand for them being arseholes when they come home

I will add though that my parents haven't got loads of money so I got a job to pay for any extras. My dad did used to give me £30 a week to help with my food shop. I was never disrespectful to them and we had a good bond whilst I was at uni. My degree was slightly different though because it was one we had placements so more intense than a degree with lots of holiday

I've reported it as I agree.

@Elisabeth3468 thats so kind and thank you and that’s the sort I think I guess I needed to hear so thank you…enjoy these early years because in the blink of any eye you will be having these worries too 😳x

@crumpet thank you so much x

This^ First taste of freedom, living away from home etc. Completely normal x

It's very normal for them to go wild and drink a lot at university. Freshers week tends to centre around that. My son barely drank before uni and then definitely drank way too much for the first year or two. But he made a lot of friends and had a great time. The rudeness isn't ok though.

Did you go to uni op ?

@baileybrosbuildingandloan thank you…the irony is that I don’t have too much money…I am working like a dog so she can go to University and actually I am simply a very concerned Mum - hence my use of Mumsnet…❤️

@Crackoncrackerjack no I didn’t so that’s probably half the problem as I don’t know what is ‘normal…’ I guess what concerns me is that there have been a number of very troubling drink related incidents in close successsion - perhaps if they were slightly more spread out I wouldn’t be fretting so much!!!😂

You haven't answered any of the questions about whether or not she lives at home with you - this makes a difference to how people will respond and the advice they will give.

Ahh OP, I'm not a mum to a uni student, but I remember my days at uni (just!)
I lived at home but I remember my mum looking hurt and telling me that I was treating our home like a hotel. At the time, I was annoyed at this, but now I see how my behaviour was. Always out drinking, clubbing, popped home to get clothes / shower, staying here there and everywhere (different friends houses). I look back and see my behaviour wasn't great.
I would say the drinking is normal (worrying for you though), but I definitely wouldn't fund anything like that. One thing I did do was have a part time job and did extra shifts to earn more.
Hopefully your daughter will settle down and be respectful to you when she next comes home 💐

I love crumpets advice. Spot on.
OP you don't have to bankroll everything. She can sort out some of her own mess. Having your love and support and appropriate guidance is invaluable.
It must be particularly hard when you've been a tight little family unit for so long to take that step back.

Oh, and do enjoy the humorous side when you can (eg if they have invented quinoa, or Chinese food when they have refused anything except beans on toast in the past, or introducing you to politics, or Jane Austen etc 😄)

I think preplan what you will financially help her with - a taxi fare if she's out late (although lots of unis have deferred payment schemes to keep students safe) but not for bailing her out if she overspends on alcohol other than a small grocery purchase - say £20 on food she can cook.

But just try to pause before leaping in and allow her to develop problem solving skills with a "I'm sure you will work it out". Stepping in too early, too much actually prevents normal development and those lessons knock some of the abrasiveness off.

3 of mine went to uni and it was a scary time but all now function as adults.

Try not to worry, she's an adult and although still young has to make her own choices. But it's very normal. I only know what my son was like because he'd tell me all the stories about it. If he hadn't, or didn't feel he could, I'd still be none the wiser!

The first few terms always seem the worse as it's all so full on with trying to make friends, partying, freedom. Should settle down by the second year I think,

Why are you paying for everything? Does she nit have a student loan? Can she not get a job? Don't work yourself until the ground for her ro take you for a mug.

@rustybits thanks…slight delay in responding as I was talking to my Daughter about a problem we had today with communication - the basis of which was her rudeness!
she lives in Halls at Univesity…thanks

@shines1 hope your OK, hugs to you
Some good advice on here
I have some experience but she was younger 16 to 17 wanted yo party I was always wrong.
She is now in 2nd year at uni age 20 and very mature doesn't go partying now at all.
Has pt job around study pays for everything herself.

Stand firm and don't give up on her.
It's good that she communicates alot don't.

I am absolutely dreading dc going to university and it’s a couple of years away yet. Of course I want him to have an amazing time and all the opportunities in the world but it is a big step for mums as well as them ( I think anyway). So to feel that your dc has changed for the worst must be difficult. I haven’t been in your position personally but I think what I would do is speak to her when she comes home. Of course she is going wild at the moment, it’s a whole new world with lots of partying and new experiences. But I still think it’s reasonable for you to talk to her about how she can keep herself safe and that your concern comes from a place of being her mum , that all mums worry and your not trying to control her. Ask her how she is finding living away from home and how the course is going, general well being type questions to gauge how she is. You are working hard so she can have this opportunity and the financial means to do it without a massive struggle. That deserves some respect and I would be reminding her of that.

I’d recommend cutting back some of the financial help and letting her get a part time job, some of the silly mistakes are more likely to be learnt from if she’s paying for it and help her be a bit responsible. I had an alcohol problem in my first year, I just went too wild and when I ran out of my loan and needed to get a job it was the best thing to happen to me.

I don’t get people saying it’s none of your business. As long as she financially dependent on you it’s 100% your business!

I definitely let lose during my first year at university. I’d spent my whole schooling at an all-girls boarding school which was ridiculously strict so university (and boys!) were a big novelty. I failed 2 subjects in my first year and that’s when my parents put their foot down- I either get it together or they’ll stop supporting me which meant no university, no housing, no spending money!

Is she still living at home? How is her uni work? The threat of my parents cutting me off always worked for me- it would’ve meant no more partying with my friends! I’d maybe cut her a bit of slack (to some extent) until you see her grades.