Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

As a parent you need to stop trying to be an engineer and start being more of a shepherd.

You cannot design and refine how she is or what she does but you can guide and nurture.

It's difficult when they first leave for Uni and it must be even harder for you as a single parent. It takes them a while to find their feet and often this means mixing with people who don't necessarily have the best effect. Try to be patient (I know it's hard) but she will hopefully find her right balance and calm down. The drinking culture is massive at University and it's easy to get caught up in it. I hope things improve between you.

Hi, you’re getting a lot of bad advice., normal doesn’t equal good or healthy as the “new normal” is skewed to the pathological with so much depression, addiction, mental health issues etc. You are totally right to be worried.

At 18 she should be working a job and learning the value of the money she is wasting. She should save and pay for her education so she values it. Besides that she will learn character lessons

What is being taught in uni is nonsense to the point where a regular college degree is not preparing anyone for a successful career, it is almost useless, and yes, unfortunately it is”normal” for people to have an extended, pathological adolescence frying her brain with booze, etc.

In my experience the people who are the most successful are the ones whose parents tell them to work and pay rent. At least for a year. Uni is toxic but it’s a big industry that parents l/kids are bamboozled into supporting with some false idea that it is necessary to have a good job, life, etc.

if she isn’t an academic on track to becoming a licensed professional where the degree is essential (medical doctor etc) I would make her work and learn some humility. It really is not in her best interest to let her keep in this path.

Now she's no longer a child you need to create your adult relationship, which involves setting boundaries for both sides.
You need to accept that she has autonomy for how she behaves in terms of her studies and social life, and you will only now be able to advise not instruct, and learn to cope gracefully when your advice is ignored. You can set limits on how much you'll do to pick up the pieces though, and make that clear, eg, not providing limitless cash or sorting out admin from lost passports etc, but always there in an emergency of she feels unsafe for example.
In the other side, she needs to accept you are a human being not a second class citizen/bank/servant/emotional punch bag, and as such need to be treated with courtesy and respect, and that if she can't do that then you won't engage until she does.

Is her mental health ok acted like that before I sank into depression

My brother turned into a drug addict at uni, said it was rife there and had lived a sheltered life before going. He ended up dropping out and coming home where he had no access to drugs and got clean. He works a normal job now, has no degree though. But is happy. Sure she will work it out.

@shines1 I can’t speak from a parenting perspective but from a badly behaved daughter perspective.

I was putting myself in some very risky situations due to friendship group, drink and drugs. After 2(ish) years my Mum sat me down and very clearly and calmly (and emotionally) told me all about how she felt and that she was waiting for a call from the police to tell her I had been raped or murdered. She told me about men who intentionally go out looking for women who are vulnerable and hunt for them. She was a true crime fan so gave LOTs of examples.

I definitely dialled down my behaviour after that and was more cautious about my behaviour. Don’t get me wrong I was still behaving badly at times.

20 years later I’m tee-total and panic about overdosing on vitamin D and magnesium supplements and follow all the rules. Maybe you could have a honest and vulnerable conversation with her?

I also have a daughter and I’m dreading the minute she is old enough to leave the house without me. I have no idea how I’m going to navigate all this!

You can't "not allow" someone to behave a certain way if they're away at university. If you make continued financial support contingent on certain approved behaviour, they'll just stop telling you what they're up to.

The only thing she can do is speak sensibly to the daughter about drinking and taking care of her personal belongings, and be firm at home that language and attitude need to be respectful.

@everyone thank you all so much for the superb advice and reassurance…think I am on the right track in many respects so all good.
thanks again 😘

As a uni prof I can confirm that far too many students see it as a lifestyle where academics and studying come last. Without fail, our ‘mature’ students get far more out of the experience than 18yr olds who are not ready for uni life. Coming to uni after a gap year really helps. Perhaps give her an ultimatum or just stop paying and have her intermit and make her work for a year or two and return once she is no longer so self-destructive and irresponsibly

Oh I’m in the same boat. My daughter talks different, acts different, drinks a ton and told me to F off over Xmas because I told her not to roll her eyes at me. So I’ve put it down to her being independent for the first time in her life. She has moved 200 miles away. I don’t overly worry about her drinking as her uni friends sound really decent. They’ve helped her multiple times when drunk. There’s no point me telling her to not drink so much because she won’t listen. I know I wouldn’t have at 18. I think if I were u, which I seem to be, just let it ride out. Give advice when necessary but ride out the storm. I was so rude and irresponsible at that age, but I think I’m ok now!

When mine were at uni I found the best phrase to use with them was “you’ll figure it out”. And they did.

my son went to uni in the USA so lots of different worries there and despite being arrested by campus police,which was terrifying, he did figure it out and learned how to behave.

my daughter was wild in her first year, but soon settled down, worked part time and loved her course and made lasting friendships.

Both of them knew that they could call any time and we would figure it out together if it was big stuff, but mainly they did it themselves.
Your daughter will be fine, just keep the lines communication open and take care of yourself.

I think she's just spreading her wings.
When she's home set some boundaries around how she talks to you, but also consider how you talk to her in these situations. I know it's difficult.
A lot of teenagers can get silly with alcohol and go on to be perfectly normal members of society (I was one!)

This is great advice. I was a a mature student (28) when I started as an undergraduate. Inevitably, most (not all) of my friendship group were also mature students. We all loved it, never missed a lecture etc!

Of course it’s your business. You are her mom & quite rightly worried about her behaviour. I wouldn’t know what to do either as mine are way younger but I do hope you find the help you’ve come here to seek.

Bless you, been there! I second previous advice. Keep close, let her be and she will return to you.It’s so hard not to worry, esp with some awful stories around. Don’t give up! There will still be that wonderful girl, she will reappear. You are being very tested for sure, establish some boundaries around respect and keep close. Good luck!

Could be just a first year at Uni thing where she is trying to find her group and coming up against people outside of her normal background. Pretty sure she won't be the only one and hopefully will find the right group. I'd hold back on having any conversations about anything if she is hungover - guaranteed to not get any response that you would like. I would however, stamp down on rudeness or disrespect. I would equally have a conversation with her with regards to how she now views being the daughter of a single parent (absolutely no shame in that - it is something that should be applauded) as perhaps that is something that is now having an impact. Girls can be cruel, particularly over entitled ones that came from having it all and never had to struggle for anything. A quiet word to ascertain that isn't the problem then thereafter saying disrespecting you will not be tolerated should do it hopefully.

One of my daughters was the same. Doesn’t help that I work emergency services so see some awful things. She calmed down after a few months and now has a bf and doesn’t drink. I also learnt to pick my moments. I did discuss my worries with her but I learnt that if I ‘lectured’ she got defensive and rude. I wasn’t lecturing just trying to express my worries but her immaturity didn’t see it like that. I think you’re just a regular mum who is doing everything right. To be honest I found this stage the worst of all.

My son is in his second year of uni. The first year he spent in halls, going to party after party. Drinking lots, and I wouldnt be surprised getting up to no good. He has now got "bored" of this, and only goes out occassionally. He also lives back at home. Although he was never disrespectful to me, the first year was his first real taste of freedom, and being an ex studemt myself, I understand the constant partying, because thats what I used to do. My son got bored of it though, as I am sure your daughter will also.

Probably, alcohol / drugs and going wild partying and breaking free I'm sorry to say. It'll wear off one day unless she's also got underlying issues in which case it could get tricky.

This. In a nutshell.

It's normal, possibly even more common if someone's not been able to get it out of their system much before uni.

Good call to not replace her items- I'm sure it'll mean she's more careful with them.

Boarding school can have an effect on people. You might find that you build an even closer relationship with her now, if you try (while not putting up with any b.s., of course.)

Yes they can be quite vile know it alls. Your house your rules, are you funding her? All kids go a bit wild at Uni, some of which you have to just close your eyes too. But if you you are supporting her with money then I’d pull it, until she learns respect.

Completly normal. I was a real horrible moo between the ages of 17 to 21. My early teenage years were quite sheltered, so once I discovered booze and going out I went completely overboard. I wouldn't tolerate the rudeness, but the rest you can't control or do anything about sadly. I'm a mum myself now, and I hate to think how many grey hairs I caused my Mum. Be patient, it's it's phase and it will pass. Although my 'phase' lasted a few years!