Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

@minipie that’s a good point and thanks as she has been at boarding school and before anyone says anything not because I am minted but because i am in the Armed Forces and a single Mum and have to move every two years so she has the stability. Despite this we had a very close relationship - albeit sometimes I wouldn’t see her for a week or two at the most - but she didn’t have the freedoms perhaps others teenagers have…having said that on the odd occasions she did drink at sixth form she would end up getting trollied there too and falling over etc …I think that she has low threshold for alcohol..some people do

@chocopop123 thank you x

This is all quite normal - which doesn't make it any easier to deal with, I know.

I find it helps me to sort things into a) things that, while I may not like them, are not my province any more, and b) things I really do have a right to object to. So drinking too much and losing things, giving up hobbies - those aren't your choices to make any more, so if you make a fuss about them you won't achieve anything except to sour the relationship and discourage her from telling you what she's up to.

Things that you do have a right to draw boundaries around include rudeness towards you, damage to your property, disrespecting your things etc.

My DD is a couple of years older but has mentioned that the younger Uni students having a hard time (and I HATE blaming things on covid/lockdown) but lots of these students didn't have a chance to go out/experiment with drink do stupid things at home so they are going a bit wild at Uni.

I think the dropping sport and drinking too much is a fairly predictable rite of passage. She may go back to it but not if you tell her to!!!

Having said all of that she needs to be respectful and treat you well at home.

Also-Uni students DO know absolutely everything in their first year-lucky them.

I think you need to try and take a step back-the point of her going away is to test boundaries, make mistakes and learn from them.
It must be so hard for you without other DC to distract you so you have a lot of emotional room for her-I think it is part of you adjusting to the new normal as well as her.

P.S - most of them do settle down after the initial euphoria of being independent.

On the one hand there have been incidents that worry you - on the other hand, she has told you about these. Unless you have found out all of this information because she lives at home and has been carted home drunk, I'd say that's a win for you.

It's pretty normal to be a bit of an arse when you first go off to university. Remind her that language and attitude can be hurtful and you don't appreciate being treated badly. Ask for a friendly spirit when you talk or when she visits. Make sure she understands that you're supportive of her spreading her wings and becoming an adult, and that therefore bailing her out financially isn't something she should rely on. Don't make bailing out pr continuing to support her fornfees and kiving allowance a quid pro quo for a respectful, affectionate attitude. That should be a given.

Drop the worry about sports. They're time consuming and you're not guaranteed fun or the same atmosphere you enjoyed when you were in school doing sports with your school friends. People change and there's no harm in being able to walk away from something that doesn't fulfill your expectations.

The sport can be tough as you turn up used to being quite good and then (Uni dependent) can find out that first team is "county players only need apply". Or otherwise the culture doesn't suit- DH played rugby for a town club as he's not a big drinker and the Uni team were massive boozers. Also a lot of people associate team sport with "PE" and school or CBA with getting out of bed to train at weekends, so bin it off in the first year and then sign up in the second year when they're partied out a bit.

Also a lot of DC are utter dicks when they return from Uni in first year- amazed my parents didn't strangle me- I was such a sneery little know it all. I improved.

Ah. It's a massive change. I was a single mother to my dd from when she was four. You can't help but feel very close under those circumstances. When she went to university she gained the independence and power to be who she wanted. When there are just two of you at home, and one is the adult, the child gets to conform. At uni, she's out of your range of influence. Her friends will encourage her to reject any 'control' you might have.

To manage it, you need to step back. Right back. Have clear and consistent boundaries about what you will spend/provide, and how you will be spoken to (I didn't keep to my boundary on that!). And fill your life with other things. Your own interests. Your own hobbies. Listen if she talks to you, give her your opinion if she wants it, go to her if she says she needs you and apart from that, keep away. If she is ok with you visiting, do that. But not to tell her how to live her life.

I learned this as I went along. I got a lot wrong. Good luck!

I can understand why you’re worried op, but the majority of her behaviour isn’t unusual. Most students go a little wild in their time at uni. I’m sure my parents would have been
horrified had they known what I got up to! I was never rude and disrespectful though. That’s not on. Perhaps she should get a job to take the pressure off you a bit?

@Fitbakesaremysaviour bless you…thanks so much and that’s hugely reassuring x

Her being nasty to you is probably a reaction to your being rather over-anxious. Stop worrying and she'll calm down. In my day you didn't stay at home to go to uni and it was a very good thing, considering the way my parents flapped when I went back to stay with them.

I am in a similar boat with my once sporty, calm dd. It’s a shock to see the dd you adore become someone new. I think they need to do this to properly grow and leave us. Biologically. The closer they are to their families the harder it is. I am sure she found it hard to leave you - and worries about you on sone level.

Have you asked her why she is drinking so much? Because it is fun or because it’s actually stressful and overwhelming. If you can instigate a chat with no judgement and sound so super relaxed. What are the nights out like? Who are her friends? I offer a friendly listening ear, looking nonchalant but quietly making a careful note of what I am hearing.

It is overwhelming starting uni, so much to get used to. Where is she based?

I would insist on good manners / tell her you are always there for her. Day or night to call you if she is in trouble. Trust her to settle down in time, once the initial excitement and freedom has worn off.

@sprigatito thank you…great advice x

I also wondered whether she had had quite a sheltered/restricted time (why are bringing up her sports? She is old enough to choose whether to do them or not) and coupled with Covid perhaps this is why you are having a rather dramatic backlash, which sounds more like something a 14/15 year old would do. She may also be slightly overwhelmed by college.

All you can do is be kind/supportive but hold some boundaries in terms of what you will accept in terms of rudeness etc. If you think you are a bit too enmeshed, maybe you need help with that.

@MrsMitford3 yes absolutely…a huge transition for both of us and that’s why I don’t want to get it wrong and drive her away …we’ve a,ways had a super relationship and in fact her Friends with two Parents tell their Parents what a great relationship we have which is mainly why I am attempting to preserve it by doing the right thing x

Step back.

As a pair, you two may have been closer in many ways than a larger family unit, and that can feel a little intense to a young adult wanting to stretch her wings. One of the ways to do that as an 18yo is to kick against you, be stroppy and disrespectful, argue against the colour ofn the sky if it means she can claim a different view to yours.

This is OK. It's normal. It's not personal (although by god, it feels it!) and if she wasn't secure that you love her whatever she does, she wouldn't risk it.

Step back. Let her drop sports clubs, get hammered with her mates, make a series of truly stupid decisions - some involving hair or clothes or piercings - and generally be a bit of a tit for a while.

Do not rescue her financially, let her discover natural consequences (like hangovers and what happens when you don't study for an exam) and keep lines of communication open.

That's not to say you have totolerate rudeness. But it does help (or at least it helped me) to know it's normal and it passes.

All of this age group are delayed, they were in lockdown for key developmental years.

@Newchapterbeckons yes that’s all very true and thank you x

So you are ex forces? That must be very scary to let your offspring find their way but you do need to let them do that. Give them your numbers and safe talk but after that, back out

Also-
There's much more to be learned in university than the subjects you study.

Self care, financial responsibility, getting along with others, keeping exposure to problems with money and personal safety to a minimum, finding a balance between work and play, time management, sticking up for yourself and developing your values are all part of it.

Don't hamper those elements of her development or treat her as a juvenile who couldn't get through a week without your input. Learning from your mistakes is important.

It's also important to keep a sense of perspective. Anyone could end up dead any time, and for women the prospect of rape really isn't something we have control over. Be careful you don't imply if you're talking to her that getting raped would be (1) the end of the world for her, or (2) her fault for not being careful. That sort of speech can alienate young women.

Make sure your fears of something extraordinary happening (death, for example) don't get the better of you, and don't express them to her, or your sensible advice will be dismissed as, "Mum is at it again." Don't be the mum who cried wolf, in other words.

@LenaLamont thank you…I have really toughened up with the rescuing and insisted that she pay for the repair of her own broken tooth (🙄) and lost passport..thanks for the advice..really useful x

My dd (only child too) was exactly the same when she started uni. Drinking, almost certainly some types of social drug use and getting bloody tattoos.
she did calm down during the 3rd year though- think she realised she actually needed to reduce the social aspect and concentrate on studying if she was to pass her course.
normal to worry, but she isn’t doing anything out of then ordinary.

I assume as she’s at uni she’s 18, so an adult.

She can choose wether she wants to play sports or not. That’s her decision, not yours.

She can pay for and apply for a new passport. And hopefully keep it safe the next time she goes out drinking.

So try not to stress about those things. They are out of your control.

Is she really turning into a monster? Or is she just not living up to (maybe) high expectations you’ve set for her?

Ah she is just having a late adolescent burst. If she hasn’t been a horror till now it’s very unlikely to be perminent.

The drinking - her tolerance will increase and the novelty will decrease and between the how she will hopefully be less of a liability. Overall gen Zs drink far less so there is genuinely a chance by year 2 she’ll have snapped out of it. There’s nothing you can do here. Chances are she’ll be fine. Put it out of your mind.

Rudeness - have some very firm boundaries ‘I’m going to put the phone down now, ring me back when you’re feeling more cheerful’.

I know it’s hard but try not to take it personally, be a bit stepped back. If she’s hurtful tell her ‘that was really hurtful. You wouldn’t talk to a friend like that, so don’t do it to me. Let’s pick up this conversation when you’re in a better mood’. But, don’t be looking to be hurt.

There’s a theory adolescent behaviour is about separating from the family/tribe for a period so you can transform into an adult and then return. You might have a slightly distant couple of years but the chances are she’ll be back.

In the meantime, can you focus a bit on building up your life now you are in a new stage?

@MadamWow thank you so much x