Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

I think the fact she was in boarding school is playing a part here- my son went to state boarding school from 12 to 14 and it was great in many ways but very structured compared to a comp - he then found it weird in the comp. I think having all this time and freedom isa novelty for her and without you on the doorstep too- you sound a really lovely lady but I suspect because you didn't see her all the time when you did you felt possibly overprotective and needed to have a bit of control- understandable too- I think you need to make sure she realises she needs to clean up her own messes and be polite at home if she wants your financial input

I have a DD of the same age who has also just started uni, was also at boarding school
and who has also had a WILD first term….! I also have a DS who is 2 years older and in his last year at uni and so I’ve seen it all before…! First year wild, lots of boozing, lots of getting it wrong, no sport (and he loves sport), 3 scrapes involving trips to A&E… also made great friends…. time of his life…. Second year calmer… more sport, financially more savvy… third and final year now, head screwed on, positions of responsibility within uni, working hard, super fit, strong friendship group and making plans for the future. Total turnaround from the first year. I am hoping that my DD will do the same and yours too…. We do support financially but not generously - they work as well… I stay in touch regularly, have to keep my mouth shut about drinking, no sport etc.. (hard… but they do get bored of it…). Rudeness - that is what I would work on if I were you - try not to nag about all the stuff going on at uni - it’s normal… but pull her up everytime she speaks to you rudely - that is not on! And don’t do stuff/sort out her scrapes for her… if she gets into a pickle - support her while she sorts herself out…. Good luck… watching your DD leap into adulthood will be a bit of a rollercoaster. xxxx

I get that. Although I’m surprised it’s drink usually it’s smoking that kids hide from parents.
So next time she visits have some wine together with a meal. Make it normal.
Dont finish the bottle so she sees you don’t always have to.
My dh occasionally has a glass with a meal and our kids too since they were about 15/16ish ? Two of them have always been take it or leave it the other not so. They were also allowed two beers at school on a Saturday once they reached 6th form.
our little Christmas game seems to have worked ( secret intel from his twin 😉)

Good luck

shes a lucky young woman to have a smashing mum who gives a damn
shes pushing boundaries and testing things out inc booze,new pals & risqué behaviour
by all means feel free to set reasonable boundaries that’s ok

@TrishTrix thank you..and this Mummy has realised the art of not bailing out unlike a number of her bratty Friends…x

@Crikeyalmighty thank you so much.Yes,that’s definitely part of it.I think half the problem is I have been trying to navigate through this in isolation of any advice or talking about it so this has been hugely helpful x

@Zone2NorthLondon thank you…I had an awful relationship with my Mother who then died quite young leaving me with desperate regrets and guilt so I have always strived to maintain a loving and healthy relationship with my Daighter which to date has seemingly been achieved…hence my despair at present x

Mine are only tiny so I’ve not experienced this with them yet and I didn’t go to uni but all of my friends who did go went completely off the rails in their first year. Between the three of them they were arrested for being drunk and disorderly a couple of times, shagged anything that moved, one broke their hip on a night out and one borrowed their parents car and got it nicked outside the uni. All in their 30’s now with their own families and respectable jobs. All close with their parents but I have no doubt they were tearing their hair out as well when they were students!

Your DD will be fine I’m sure.

Maybe another way to look at the situation after the last two decades is this is finally a chapter for you. You have done all you can as far as parenting is concerned and the rest is now up to her.

What are your dreams? Ambitions etc.
i think that eases the journey ahead. You will many things to look forward to, besides keeping the nest warm for when she returns. You have given her everything, so maybe it’s time now for you.

@Frazzledatfifty that’s super reassuring so thank you so much - what I haven’t posted although it’s Highly relevant as that I am also ‘frazzled at 53’ due to the menopause and about to retire from a 30 year career with HM Forces so have all the additional worries of getting a job,home for us etc…thank you SO much for your lovely words xx

It’s hard but she’s finding her feet and you have to take a step back and let her get on with it.

I can remember finding my poor parents utterly pedestrian when I was a student.

My eldest had barely had an alcoholic drink in his life before he went off to uni, and then was drinking himself sick with regularity. I can remember saying to him ‘don’t get fat!’, remembering how we all porked out on beer. He did the opposite and got really skinny. He drank too much, took loads of drugs but was undoubtedly not as bad as I was at his age. He remained as nice as ever, but he definitely put us firmly at the bottom of his list of priorities, and rightly so.

They come back, literally and figuratively, and are all the better for it.

@Newchapterbeckons yes,exactly…I leave the Forces after 30 years next year and whilst being interviewed as part of my resettlement process the Lady asked who I was behind the career and Mum and I burst into tears !!!it occurred to me that throughout my adult life I have had the duty of service and motherhood and Buggar all else….not that I would change either and both my decision of course but I think I absolutely now need to think about who I really am and let my Daughtef go ❤️xx

@DillDanding thank you x

I have no idea why you’re receiving such mean spirited replies. You come across really caring
At 18 she won’t be articulating how much she needs or loves you because you’re consistent
Fact is she feels safe to rebel she knows you’ll be in her corner
In time she’ll look back and absolutely cringe at her antics and ditziness losing a passport

@Nosleepforthismum thank you…that made me laugh..I need to chill out a little evidently 😂x

Oh, OP, she’ll settle down. She’s just overspreading her wings at the moment and she’ll likely settle down in a year or two. Lots of them turn into dicks when they first go to uni and I say that both as the mother of a student and as an academic of nearly 30 years. My favourite was when my DSS came home after his first semester and tried have an argument with me about how universities were run. Twat 🙄😂

My parents kept a tight leash on me until I suddenly had my own money and independence and I went a bit wild (not saying you kept too tight a leash on your dd but similar effect if she hasn't gradually been used to socialising and drinking and then suddenly let loose at uni).

I wasn't streetwise at all, trying to act more mature than I was to keep up with my peers and so totally out of my depth it did end very badly. I never told my parents as I knew it would be my "fault".

You can't put the lid back on the box, she is out now and probably having a great time. All you can do is advise her how to keep safe, to keep together with friends she trusts when out and tell her to have fun so she knows you are not judging her. She will need to learn fast.

Be there without judgement if she needs you.

She probably has got a loan. My daughter did, and worked, and we paid for her food and travel etc. It's not like the days when tuition was free, you could sign on in the holidays, get housing benefit & accommodation was cheap.

@Zone2NorthLondon she lost all her bank cards a few weeks ago too,oh and her AirPods,and there was something else that was worth several hundreds of pounds…but hey.,,’oh well..!!!’ Xx

@PieAndLattes that made me hoot….bless them 😂x

Have a look on the WIWIKAU Facebook site. It seems to be quite common that they are rude, entitled and generally revolting when they return for the first couple of holidays.

By the way, never pay off her credit card if she overspends on it (I had uni friends who's parents did this and they'd just max it out again).

@shines1 This 100% with knobs and bells on.

Do not, EVER pay her way out of debt.
I knew people whose parents did this -by the students pleading down the phone- mum and dad stumped up, and another alcohol/drug binge would take place.

Those who had to make their money last were much better.

One shocking young man even had the cheek to say asking his mother for money ''Was as easy as milking a cow''.

These were middle class students, spoiled.

Time to start spending more of your time , money and energy on YOURSELF OP!
enjoy!!! ☺️

As an aside I was at uni 85 to 88 then again 91 to 92 when we got grants. All free

You couldn’t sign on in the hols unless you had no parents or were changing course.
Same with housing benefits etc

@Houseplantmad no,no trauma but I get your drift with that…she is well rounded and has had the fortune of much stability and support and love which has been consistent from me and I like to think I have parented by example..both in my actions and words although I have to say I have lost my shit with her more in last few moons 😳x