Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

Agree with a lot of PP it sounds fairly standard apart from the rudeness. In your position and with a DS who is currently a second year, I would be firm with her on rudeness is unacceptable, on nights out stick with and go home with your friends (look out for each other) and you expect her to get a job in the summer.

I was pretty toxic to my Mum at times when I was a student I still loved her.

But I can only reinforce the don't rescue her financially comments. Getting a job (even holiday only) makes you learn life skills and the kids that I know who got a lot of help struggled a bit with life stuff post Uni.

e.gone friend lost their Jigsaw coat on a night out (an expensive indulgence for a student in those days) and it was replaced by Mummy with another expensive one.

25+ years later Mummy is still bailing this person out despite them being a well paid professional.

Lots of DC go a bit wild at uni or 6th form especially if they've been isolated at boarding school

If they went to a girls only boarding school then they can become very promiscuous too

Sounds like she's just going through the normal teen years but a bit later than most

@shines1 can I ask why Uni is costing you a fortune. Doesn’t your dd get student loans.
Secondly
This is quite normal.
I have three kids. One has just finished Uni the other two (twins) started in September. Two of mine don’t drink much but the other never knows when to stop and gets drunk. I realised he gets very drunk when he doesn’t eat much before but if he eats he’s ok. We did a drunk trial at Christmas so I could prove to him how this works.
I know this sounds weird.
On Christmas Eve we all had a few drinks without food and it was clear he was affected by it . We then all took a test to see how much alcohol was in our system. He was well over the limit and was shocked.

Then on Christmas Day we had a hearty breakfast, lots of carbs and then some drinks throughout the day along with dinner. He had quite a bit and over a game of Catan the shot glasses came out. His idea ( can I just say this is not our normal family modus operandi, I’m an occasional Guinness drinker on the two or three times I go to the pub a year, but hey we played along ). We then did another alcohol test and despite the fact he and everyone had had quite a bit he was not over the limit and not drunk.

So the moral of this story is. Most kids go out and go a little mad when they go to Uni but if you make your dd more aware of how she can stay in control of herself and have a drink, firstly by having a good carby meal before she may start to eventually control it aswell and drink less as she’s more aware.

Meanwhile I would allow her more space. I have no idea how much you are in contact with her but I would leave her to make the call not you. If she doesn’t call for a couple of weeks, say, drop her an ‘having fun, working hard?’ Text.

Ps. The tests are available online.

@StopStartStop thanj you so much…I need to step back.It doesn’t help that we are on holiday at present after the fateful loss of passport last week on the Uni ski trip…so she is knackered,has been ill and has a very wealthy friend with her…we are not wealthy!…also I am super sensitive at present due to other worries so it’s all sort of come to a head.Thank you x

When I was at uni I barely spoke to my parents so they didn't have a clue how much I was drinking or not or clubbing etc

I'm surprised she's telling you all this most DC would keep it to themselves

@Anxhor fair point x

Why can’t she get a student loan?

I can sympathise.
My daughter is now in her third year at uni away from home. It gets better
It takes a lot of getting used to
Sit tight although it's tough just now..she is learning how to cope away from home alongside a new life and lots of other adjustment.
Just keep being there for her

Ps. I should say mine went to boarding school aswell and they used these tests which is why i know of them…..just in case MNs are thinking I’m really weird 🤣🤣🤣🤪

To everyone saying ‘why can’t she get a loan?’ The cut off for eligibility for a maintenance loan is way lower than everyone thinks. Tuition loans are different.

@Justpontificating that’s interesting…she wouldn’t drink in front of me…which is also interesting as I haven’t a problem with it at all and often encourage her to have a drink but she says having a drink with me is weird 😂x

I think she is extremely lucky to have a mother that loves her so dearly

OP be constant, as you seem to be, and she will settle down.
Is there any trauma from the past she she may be dealing with and the alcohol is her vent?

This is quite normal, esp after the first term. You go a bit wild, drink too much, too many boys etc etc.

Me and a lot of my peers started having a few sneaky drinks, seeing boys, giving up sport/hobbies etc when we were 15/16 and still living within the "confines" of home, which gave some boundaries. So the fact she didn't do this til she was at uni is maybe telling.

Everyone over does it a bit in the first term/year, but I remember in the first term at uni, you could def spot the kids who'd had quite a sheltered life, as they really went for it!

To a certain extent, messing up and overdoing things is how you learn. Then pretty soon you course correct and find a happy medium.

Also, thinking your parents are embarrassing/wrong about everything is also par for the course when you start getting exposed to new people and new ways of doing things. I remember having a bit of a go at my parents about the way they made omelettes, because my new housemate did it a much better/fancier way. An omelette! My poor parents!

Also I remember going from freedom at uni to "rules" and being "treated like a child" when you're home for the holidays, was a hard transition

All that said, the rudeness isn't on though. I don't have much advice on that, but just wanted to say some of her behaviour is pretty normal for many uni students. And most turn into completely normal adults!

I went completely off the rails at university. I was a nightmare and really, I was having a complete mental/emotional/psychological meltdown. I was actually suicidal, although I'm not saying your daughter is! What I am saying is that her behaviour might be a sign of something else. A part of it wad that I felt that I'd grown up too quickly and had made too many mistakes that couldn't be undone. I felt like there was no turning back. I desperately wanted my mummy but felt that I had burned too many bridges and had to keep going on with my behaviour and never look back. Im in my 40s now, and our relationship never recovered because I ended up withdrawing from her because I felt I didn't deserve her love anymore. She never really knew my feelings and just thought I'd pushed her away. Years have passed and it has mostly all been swept under the rug. I think that all I ever wanted was to hear the worlds 'you'll always be my baby and ill never stop loving you'. She showed it in many ways, but I needed to know for sure. I needed to hear it.

Maybe your daughter does too.
Just a thought.

I really feel for you! I agree with the others that you shouldn't get her out of trouble if she overspends or causes herself a problem. Obviously you would drive through the night to rescue her, that goes without saying, but if she rings and says oh I've spent a couple of hundred more I should, then don't rescue her. Say oh well what are you going to do now? She can't say she's an adult and then behave like a child and expect you to get her out of any trouble. I would have to bring up the low tolerance with alcohol issue with her. I think in the end it's a matter of gritting your teeth and getting through the next couple of years I'm afraid. I found that stage much harder than the baby or toddler stage.

@Newchapterbeckons that’s so kind of you to say and has made me feel instantly better..but as so many have said I probably do need to step back now.For 18yrs I have been working like a fiend to bring her up and maintain a decent salary so we could have nice holidays etc…Life looks very different now and I have to move on..😘x

OP my daughter says she went a little wild for the first year or so at university but she now looks back and regrets it! I was blissfully unaware as she told me nothing! I did tell her she had to move hall though as she was keeping Uber in business travelling between her hall and the ones her friends were in. It’s all perfectly normal - she will find her tribe and settle down. DD is now a first year junior doctor. She did return to her sport (tennis) joining the team and playing matches. The violin stayed in its case where it remains to this day! They do experiment first taste of freedom and all that for some of them

That sounds hard. I did a very similar thing when I went to uni, lost myself a bit, tried too hard to fit in but I soon got over that phase (as did others I know) and calmed down. I can understand why you’re worried though

Two dcs at uni here. One started in September, the other the year before that.

The first year is well known to be a time when students get drunk and drink too much. Seems to settle down in the second year as they find their own limits/settle into some routine.

My dcs have never really told me about their drinking sessions but reading between the lines, it’s clear dc1 has been drinking too much some times and got sick etc….
dc2 has and still is drinking too regularly to my liking, even if not big quantities iyswim. This is in part because having a pint or two after an activity (he us involved in a few clubs) is a social event at the pub…
I never say a lot around that. If I’m commenting, I’m doing it the same way I’d do with a good friend - maybe concerned but not judging iyswim.

For the rest, you can’t spend your time worrying about her safety. Nor can you control the environment for her anymore. It’s really up to her to look after herself - even if it makes you worried sick.
Also up to her to sort out any issues such as loosing her passport. She’ll struggle but she will be more careful next time!!
Just let her know you are there if she needs help. Like yu would with a friend - an adult. And let her handle the situation. Ask her what she is planning to do etc.. but don’t step in.

It’s hard to step back and let them ‘fail’. But your dd will be ok.

@determinedtomakethiswork that’s so useful and true and I quite agree that this has been the hardest stage so far..by some margin.Hysterically I have used that phrase ‘oh well’ a couple of times with her although that is since my little Briother was diagnosed with cancer a couple of weeks ago so everything else seemed insignifanct for a week or two…and even the passport I was fairly chilled about but it’s the accumulation of events with her and her attitude… but I have received some great advice this evening on this forum and already feeling a lot more chilled than I was just two hours ago..x

Whatever crap you're willing to put up with from your daughter she will keep giving you. Ask yourself if this was a girlfriend would you put up with her being rude to you? If she's using your money to drink and party with, maybe reduce how much you give her. Perhaps a part time job would help to keep her occupied. Personally I wouldn't put up with an adult child that I'm funding being rude to me. Not at all.

It's so hard and such an enormous culture shock. My eldest struggled so much with MH problems and bullying in the later years of school, my whole life revolved around their wellbeing and worrying about them. When they went off to uni I cried buckets, I didn't know where to put myself. It's not only their lives that change, it's ours too, and we should be allowed to talk about that.

This makes sense as when I started uni it was the girls that had gone to same sex schools/boarding schools or had very strict upbringings that went absolutely fucking wild when they first got to Uni. I'm afraid you'll have to just let her get it out of her system whilst just reinforcing that she needs to keep herself safe. She will calm down OP I'm sure though I appreciate you must be worried sick