Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

Think of this as you letting a bird go to well ……….fly

It can’t fly just yet but all the things you taught it will eventually come to the fore and then BOOM it is lift off!

In the meantime this sounds fairly standard I’m afraid. We’ve had two passports and two iPhones to replace.

Damn kids!

Look she sounds pretty normal. I don't understand those posters saying rudeness isn't normal for teenagers. Are you kidding me? Teenagers can be horrible rude a LOT.

She's essentially a kid on the cusp of adulthood grappling to work out what that means and how to do it. She'll take her anxieties out on you because she knows you'll love her no matter what.

The drinking would worry me too, can only advise gentle reminders about personal safety.

So she is going to have to learn to be careful & buy a cheap pair buds
get a summer jobs and save a bit of money. She’ll recalibrate and be just fine
most folk are muppets at uni, and it’s the right environment to test things and self in a socially accepted way. Since forever students have got pissed, somehow passed exams and come our other side as fine decent young folk.

"she lost all her bank cards a few weeks ago too,oh and her AirPods,and there was something else that was worth several hundreds of pounds"

Between this and the lost passport is there any chance she has ADHD? This sounds like my DS, who wasn't diagnosed until he started University because I had been holding everything together for him up until then. It all fell apart when he had to fend for himself.

OP my DD is not a drinker. She found her first year at uni very empty because she doesn't drink etc. However I was a complete lash and got into lots of scrapes. After boarding school my DD was a nightmare. Rude, lazy, unhelpful. She blamed everyone for her NEET status. I gave her the big talk. I wouldn't be shouted out or belittled. At 20 she's lovely. Still arsey but kind and a good person. We have a strong bond. Your dd must keep a spare tenner to get home. I think I had a necklace. Very hard to open at the bar. Safety is key. And be blunt if she ends up shagging soneone pissed she may get the clap. That puts most people off. I'm blunt because it makes teenagers listen and run screaming from the room.

Very normal OP.
I went nuts when I went to uni.
My parents were strict and I had a steady boyfriend but I dumped him and did everything opposite to how my parents lived their lives. Truckloads of booze, lots of takeaways, out on the town every night, seeing inappropriate men, acting cocky, wandering round scantily clad in the dead or night . I dread to think 🤣
But everyone did. It was fun. The first taste or freedom is fantastic.

I understand you are worried OP. But isn't this a tale as old as time? It's likely you're daughter has found some freedom and the attitude is new found confidence -even though it may come across as arrogance.
Giving up sports and drinking is totally normal.
What isn't good is the bad manners and disrespect for you. Can you talk to her about that?
Otherwise, let her know you are there for her to talk to. I think the more rigid you are with rules unfortunately the more you could push her away.

This phase won't last by the way. It didn't for anyone I know.
Good luck x

And household insurance usually covers students.

Aww I would like to hug you!!

I have 2 girls. They are now in their early 30s. Only 18 months apart, one was a lovely teenager (strategically did not get a boyfriend until after her A levels, never needed a curfew), the other was harder work and certainly needed a curfew. They are now both such lovely girls. I think that one big disadvantage for you, dear OP, is that you are a single parent. You have to stand up to your daughter alone which must be hard. However I am sure that she knows that this behaviour is not acceptable. Make your rules and stick to them.

One of the things I did when they went to Uni was start a Masters. I felt it was important that they knew that I would not be sat at home counting the days for reading week, that I had a life. Turns out that I was a great proof reader of their work and I was the Queen Bee when it came to references. You don't have to understand the subject when you are proof reading.

So many changes going on at the moment, but you will find your way together. Start a private journal and reflect on the changes. I bet if you read it back in 2 years' time it will give you a smile.

@Quitelikeit oh my word…so it’s not just me (or my Daughter) 😳😂x

@Motherbear44 funny you should say that. I did exactly as you and started a Masters in September to try and distract me from her going to Uni and in prep for a civilian job…it has been the hardest thing as 20years since I dint my BSc - also as a mature student.Pleased to report however that I learnt on Friday that I have just scraped through my first assignment…but a pass is a pass and all that!Thanks for the great advice and lots of luck to you x

Try not to worry. Make.it very clear you will pay for food and accommodation not partying or related losses and tell her to get a job! Re the respect as I said to ds at the same.age my house my rules , uni do want you like providing it legal. I had a wats ap form a flat mate of him passed out in the kitchen from alcohol in his first year. 3rd year now and has the odd pint nothing more. It will settle

I’m guessing she’s on minimum loan so you are topping up around £5000 a year as required but finding she’s not grateful at all. That would rub me up wrong way. I’d pay the required but stop any extras and stop bailing her out. She probably will calm down as the year goes on.

I lost about 3 purses at uni. Would have lost phones and air pods but they hadn't been invented. Forced me to become organised.

Totally normal. I’ve had 2 kids at Uni and they both did this. They come back to you. X

I went completely off the rails when I went to university many years ago, my mum and dad knew nothing about it though as this was pre mobile phones by long time🤣

I do have 2 dses at university though and understand things are very different these days. You still need to take a step back though and allow your dd to grow up, however tough it is. I don’t know what ds1 gets up to and I don’t want to know how he spends the money we give him, it would make me cry I’m sure!

Most of them grow up and stop being rude at some point. Ds1 is lovely now at 21 years.

@shines1 I am so pleased that you are doing your masters. A reassurance about your first assignment - I got in the mid 50s for my first assignment - but kept my head down and went on to get a Merit for my final mark. You just have to stick at it. I carried on and have done my PhD. So your first mark is just the start of your learning journey. It doesn't always feel it, but it is worth it.

Btw our daughter also smashed her iPhone on a night out I fear this isn’t unusual - you sound like a lovely caring mum who’s brought her up brilliantly and deep down your girl will know that! Mine (with the wisdom of age and experience) now says she didn’t enjoy the first year at all. There was me thinking she was having a ball! hated that drinking culture - dropped her off in her sc flag at the beginning of the first year and I was shocked at all the bottles of alcohol on the table in the flat … she now rarely drinks

Asking as curious… Did you not make mistakes at that age?

I have to say that from 16/17 - 22, I was a right cow to my poor mum! I was asserting my independence, I guess, and made a lot of mistakes along the way. Got drunk most weekends. Would go straight to work on 1 hour sleep. Once I was so drunk I fell asleep on a bus, ended up 2 hours from home. Somehow I got myself back. Too many stories to tell.

I don’t say this to be proud of my behaviour, I just say that my mum also put up with a lot. But we are now very close and I appreciate she was always there for me. Even if my DH sometimes reminds me of my blazing rows with my mum when we were first dating (which I’m now mortified about!) I have a career and 2 lovely kiddies and a DH.

Hang in there, be firm with her that she needs to look after herself and it’s not good to put herself in danger. She will get through this ‘finding herself’ stage and the stability you gave her will shine through.

It sounds like she’s going through a teen rebellion phase a bit late. I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. It’s important for her development that she detaches from you and makes her own mistakes. Try to think of it that way.

It’s not uncommon for boarding school students to go mad at uni as they’ve been institutionalised under heavier school discipline and the freedom goes to their heads, they also haven’t had the same level of exposure to alcohol and drugs as day school students.

Oh op, she’s just spreading her wings, new found freedom, having fun. Do you not remember this age, were you not like this? I was.

please try not to control her, or dictate, and don’t make her reticent to tell you things, for fear of your reaction or judgment, you will lose her.

shes just a normal kid.

The drinking and giving up sports is normal, she’s living away from home and experimenting. I certainly wouldn’t let my 19yr old DS who is at Uni come in and start being rude and disrespectful to me, or he’d be going straight back out again. If you’re financially supporting her and she’s treating you like that then I’d be reading her the riot act. I’d stay out of conversations about her drinking, other than reminding me to stay with friends and other staying safe advice. I just let my son get on with it, but I know I’ll probably be more worried with DD goes (though son’s been mugged which was awful, so worry about both)

Congratulations! On pass your assignment. Big woo hoo to you

Your child needs you most when you like them least was my mantra for years. First term of uni is a time of major adjustment and they may worry they wont have friends and/or cant cope with the work. Home is their safe place so they take it out on you. That doesnt mean you should put up the abuse though.

After Christmas things start to settle down a bit. Hopefully next time she's home will be a bit easier and if you dont bail her out all the time by next year she'll start to appreciate how lucky she's been .

My sister was similar, then started obsessing over air freshener everywhere...turns out she was taking drugs, nothing too bad at first but got progressively worse. Addiction runs in our family so as you can imagine it didn't end well.

You know your child best, if there are alarm bells ringing from passing out from alcohol on the regular, safety concerns etc. (as you said you worry she may be raped), it may be better to intervene earlier rather than later.

If you think it may be leaving nest syndrome or you tend to overreact, that's a bit different.

Personality changes are concerning though, as she could be depressed or struggling with something and using alcohol to cope.