Rudeness to middle aged women - is this a thing?

[OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne]

I'm 42, but probably look a bit older as it's been a hard few years and I can no longer be bothered confirming with femininity by wearing makeup etc.

It feels like I am encountering so much rudeness lately from strangers. Part of it might be that I am no longer tolerant of the rudeness of others and question it when it occurs.

Is this a thing? Or are people just ruder in general, regardless of age and sex?

And/ or different levels of it.

@RosaGallica

40 too old to work! WTF lol

It was schools which are notoriously ageist and I had grey hairs already which I refuse to dye. Yep. Their loss. They’re desperate for staff now, for the work they want at the wages they pay (not enjoying the schadenfreude at all, not me).

I have had some situations where people have been needlessly rude to me and I've wondered if they would act that way to a young woman or any man. Unfortunately I just don't get out enough anymore to have a substantial amount of data but don't doubt this is many woman's experience.

Perhaps we should also consider the 'mass resignation' of the post lockdown months, I know many businesses are still struggling with finding staff so it may well be people who are not so suited to customer facing jobs are working at places they may well not have lasted at before?

Purely anecdotal but I had a day out with my son yesterday for shopping, lunch and a movie and every single person who served us was an incredibly pleasant young person.

The absolutely GREAT thing about being middle-aged is the sudden overwhelming feeling you get to allow yourself to be as rude back to people.

It's that golden age where life experience counts while your body is still strong enough that you don't develop the fear of older age.

"No" is my favourite word these days.

But that’s so bizarre!

Just - wow

I do think having a general ‘fuck off’ demeanour helps

I think I've had that all my life. I remember reading Laura Bates book about everyday sexism and thinking she was harassed more in one morning than I had been in my entire life. Clearly I go round with something on my forehead saying "don't even think about it"! And now I am in my 50s, they probably won't ;)

I had the book "Hags" come up on my Amazon suggestions the other day and will read it.

I'm 56, slim and still reasonably attractive for my age. Sociable and friendly but I find young women really can't be bothered with me and are generally dismissive.

I don't have any problems with men, I think you can always have a laugh (or flirt) with them, so I can hold my own.

I'm sure the whole Karen thing hasn't helped, but that's more about the ever complaining, never satisfied type. We used to call them Bitter Betties in the Eighties.

I'm sure the whole Karen thing hasn't helped, but that's more about the ever complaining, never satisfied type. We used to call them Bitter Betties in the Eighties.

I don't think the Karen thing is new either. I also remember 'Negative Nancies' . Social media has just made it more universally known.

I don't think the Karen thing is new either. I also remember 'Negative Nancies' . Social media has just made it more universally known.

You're absolutely right! Remembering 'Negative Nancy' has also reminded me of 'Debbie Downer'...

Yes! 😂

😂

I do wonder if it has to do with how attractive you were when younger.

I have always been overweight and never particularly 'good looking', so I have never dealt with the world on those terms.

If anything at work I am now taken more seriously and listened to more closely as a senior lawyer.

In public, I have never had a problem with people being rude or ignoring me (baring the odd exception of course), and that hasn't changed.

The youguns' all seem fine to me. My sons have joked that I can always find a man to carry stuff for me even though that is usually them these days.

I am not particularly cheerful or friendly, but I do tend to 'get on' with people. I have wondered sometimes if I am ND as I often think I observe what makes people operate and then give them that rather than actually feel it if that makes sense, so that probably helps.

It is interesting, I wonder what the variables actually are between our experiences?

I have wondered sometimes if I am ND as I often think I observe what makes people operate and then give them that rather than actually feel it if that makes sense, so that probably helps.

You've accurately described what I do but had never put into words. I've got ADHD and dyspraxia, although the latter is a weird one as I have a lot of the symptoms but am good with power tools and can drive a 50 ton volumetric mixer around city centres without too much trouble (most dyspraxic people are clumsy and many struggle just driving a car).

Hah!

We sound very similar. I am actually in the process of getting my helicopter licence (which I am apparently a natural at), and have been known to fall over my own feet whilst walking on the flat.

Obviously my brain/body is just wired up a certain way. I won't say wrong, it isn't wrong or even different - it works for me.

I have never been diagnosed with anything, as I have always managed, but my husband is similar, my boys are similar and I do sometimes think if we weren't able to rub along quite as well/we'll in a less supportive environment things could be different.

Flying a helicopter would be amazing!

My ex boss's wife was apparently a good heli pilot but oddly was terrible at parking her car. It's strange how things you'd expect to align don't always.

Yes - or the "yummy mummy" type. I have found them superannoying when I've been volunteering at athletics events, but I am 50 and don't care about what they think of me.

My son came home from his summer job on Wednesday saying that people had been impossible that day. He said that in particular one child was being a right pain eg trying to climb over barriers into restricted areas and his mother wasn't doing anything to discipline him. When remonstrated with by staff (who are late teens/early 20s) she said she'd call the police, so they called security. But security are only in their 20s too. I suspect if security was a big burly guy of 50 (or indeed a woman) she'd have piped down and sorted her son out.

I also do the ‘especially pleasant’ to fellow women thing, I think it’s subconscious empathy!
Can only speak from my own experience, but relatively recently:
1, shoulder barged by a man in the supermarket who looked like he had actually aimed himself straight at me. Plenty of space either side of me. No acknowledgement at all. Got a look of ‘WTF’ from another shopper.
2, Commented to my husband that I’d never seen so much road rage-sorry to say exclusively this was men- when sitting in with our learner driver, (a few weeks shy of a test so not a total newbie)whose only mistake was trying to stick to the speed limit, and the car was plastered in L-plates front and back. Husband said he’d had no such problems when he supervised. Same car, same time of day, same area. Went out a few times with hair tucked in a hoodie- problem solved. 😡
3, Watched a man address a woman in a department store with a loud ‘oi’ and a barrage of abuse because she had -correctly-joined a queue where he thought she shouldn’t be. She went on to very eloquently correct him, pointing out she doubted he would treat her this way if she were a man, or was with one, then it would likely have been ‘excuse me mate…’ She suggested if he wanted to discuss it at his previous aggressive level perhaps they could fetch security to mediate.
4, Man, 65ish, banged his car door -hard- into ours in a car park. I, assuming he knew and had seen us, politely said ‘You bumped my door, I’ll just check it’ and he shouted ‘no I did not’, at which myself and both DC replied to the effect that there three of us in the car and ‘yes you definitely did, how could you not feel it’. He then said ‘oh well I did then’. 🤦‍♀️
What is it with these men that the mere presence of women sends them straight to unwarranted aggression?

My Dd aged 17 who works in a coffee shop says the “mum” age customers (so mid forties plus) are the nicest. Guess they have teens too. They have complex coffee orders though.

If anyone is mean its older couples. Total anecdote!

The young women at my work think I’m a crazy cat lady. Even though I’m not. And we get on well. But I can feel their minds merging into “weirdo!” when I say certain things (and it’s totally normal conversation from me, but clearly old lady speak to them). It’s quite hard to even describe… But it’s there!

Do you ever get any satisfaction when their phone flies out of their hand and then gets kicked across the floor even if they give you a dirty look? This just happened to me the other day and it made my day. The woman never bothered to look up before she crashed into me. She called me the b word too as if it was all my fault but no matter I just I loved it as I watched her having to chase after her phone in a crowded place as it got kicked. I wanted to say but resisted the urge that's what you get honey. Maybe this hasn't happened for you yet I hope it will because it actually made it much easier for me to ignore the rest of the assholes for at least the rest of that day.

15 minutes on Mumsnet will reveal what people think about older women:

I noticed that. When I was younger, my quirky sense of humour was just seen for what it was, a fairly quick ability to find the humour in the absurd. Other people laughed with me as they knew I wasn't off my medication or trying to do stand up.... I dial it back now, have done for at least 7 or 8 years, as the exact same humour I always had is now seen as a bit oddball

I'm not sure if it's an age thing, it may be, but when I went into a restaurant with a male I was seated at a nice table, in a quiet spot and waiters attentively ensured we had timely menus, water at the table etc, checking in if all well. A few years later, after returning alone to exactly the same restaurant (Cote Brasserie, Cambridge) I was ushered into a table for two overlooking the window seat. The waiter took to ages to arrive at my table, but I noticed that he served a table of four men who arrived significantly later than myself. My chair was en route to the men's table, and the waiter kept bumping into my chair leg as he 'tended' the men's table. In the end I had to move to face the men's table or keep running the risk of my chair leg being bumped into. The whole thing was horrible and the chips were re-heated. It did not resemble the experience I had when I had been with the male. It made me feel very sad and very angry because I was sure it was all related to 'perceived wealth' 'tippability' (is that a word?).

I’ve had this in my early 30s dining alone – I put it down to being a lone diner and so not considered very important as I won’t be spending as much. Wankers!