Rudeness to middle aged women - is this a thing?

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I'm 42, but probably look a bit older as it's been a hard few years and I can no longer be bothered confirming with femininity by wearing makeup etc.

It feels like I am encountering so much rudeness lately from strangers. Part of it might be that I am no longer tolerant of the rudeness of others and question it when it occurs.

Is this a thing? Or are people just ruder in general, regardless of age and sex?

I've noticed strangers have become ruder than they used to be, generally. I'm not convinced it's anything to do with age though (I'm 34).

I noticed it more recently, as I got visibly older lately (put on weight + tired from too much crap going on in life). I don't get treated as a woman anymore. I dress kind of smart do I don't get ignored but any attempt at smiling or being light-heartedly flirty is met with raised eyebrow or ignored. I found its best to be severe and imposing, gets a better response.

I'm 49.

There is a great scene in Grace and Frankie where they are completely ignored in a supermarket.

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjJx6vwyJuAAxVWV0EAHae-B5gQz40FegQIERAK&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D_othIX9fheY&usg=AOvVaw0Dh8iIE7Zc4MioCoAe9bmV&opi=89978449

I think you’ve nailed it, that is exactly my experience and I’m in my fifties, I really do think it’s down to how you present yourself and the confidence you exude as to whether you become invisible or not.

I think people's experiences vary because it's hugely contextual. How people treat you at work, for example, would depend on role, seniority and company culture as much as about them as an individual. May also depend on race, frankly.

How people from a business where you're a customer/ prospective customer treat you depends on your perceived worth to them, to an extent.

Definitely also a good looking/ not good looking angle, which is probably more noticeable to women who were considered v good looking in their youth, because as you age, even if you stay good looking, realistically, not many 20-30 year old men find 45 year old women attractive, so there's a shift in attitude, whereas if you've never been good looking, you probably would notice the difference.

So I think it is a thing, but I think there are a lot of variables.

i also haven’t noticed this (yet), but I’m only 44, am senior in my career, work in a majority male company and feel I get more positive attention generally than I ever did in my 20s. Last year felt like one of my prime years in fact. However - as noted by a few pps - that year was a year where I had just lost 2 stone, got a wardrobe refresh and I got a lot of attention then. So weight, confidence, career status and clothes can have more impact than age.

Ah interesting. I was never considered (not least by me) attractive in my youth and I'm certainly not beautiful now in middle age, but I've grown into myself and look good "for my age" now. I don't have beautiful young thing attitudes to compare against, but I don't find I'm ignored or people are rude to me any more than they ever were.

Definitely also a good looking/ not good looking angle, which is probably more noticeable to women who were considered v good looking in their youth, because as you age, even if you stay good looking, realistically, not many 20-30 year old men find 45 year old women attractive, so there's a shift in attitude, whereas if you've never been good looking, you probably would notice the difference.

@illiterato Did you mean to say the opposite, I.e., that someone good-looking is more likely to notice the difference (because people don’t fancy them like they used to)?

Being treated like someone’s Mum, which is v. different to how an attractive 20-something is treated!

I'm 34 so not exactly young but have worked in hospitality and retail for years. When a customer is rude and unpleasant, 9 times out of 10, it's a middle aged woman. And I mean rude and unpleasant, not simply assertive.

Yes , it is a thing. I was at Wimbledon the other day and by set 4 I'd got so fed up with the huge man in front jumping up , yelling and punching the air after practically every point that I politely asked him to refain a bit.
He turned round , glowered at me and snarled "Tough shit ."
Those tickets were a lifelong dream but at least I don't have to live with someone like him.

To be fair, I’ve encountered rude people like that at every age, although luckily they’re in the minority

Yep. Well into my 40s and looking and feeling it.
Feel invisible/irrelevant/patronised.

And no, I'm not 'looking' for it!! Ffs.

Interesting thread. I haven’t noticed this, but I’m (a) not particularly attractive, and (b) very tall. I’m in my 50s. Younger women and men seem to see me as a mum-type person, and are usually polite and friendly. That’s true both at work and in other situations (retail, hospitality etc). People are hardly ever rude to me.

@fufulina that's a great example of the dirt of rudeness I'm encountering.

But what happens next? Because I feel like what would happen to me in this situation would be that the barger then gets angry/ shouts at me for not moving out of the way.

I had an incident in the park recently when a dog loose in the children's fenced off play area (so no dogs allowed) jumped up at me so I asked the male owner to get it out and got shouted at - I ended up shouting back in front of my DC and regret that.

But the rage of this guy that I had questioned his entitlement to let the dog run loose in the kids play area was palpable - I really had expected he might have said sorry when the dog started jumping up at me.

Dirt of rudeness..arg, sort of rudeness!

Thanks for recommending the book, Hags. Have started reading it and it really resonated.

I love that the book refers to JK Rowling as the Arch Hag - I'm a big fan of her for her refusal to be silenced on current women's issues.

No I haven't noticed this but then I'm plain and have never been somebody who dresses up or wears make up so never got "attention" for looking nice.
I am, however, pleasant, polite and smiley with people even if only spending a few moments with them and I find that then i get treated well (and usually hear their life story)

I get this sort of thing happening a lot more when I am lugging a heavy suitcase around, or am carrying full shopping bags, or if I'm tired, or grumpy, or feeling ill or pressured.

I'm very short and I think it's something to do with appearing less 'youthful' and 'cheerful' at these times.

I haven't found that at all in in my mid 50s

No not really

I've always had a good exp but I do hate the self service tills

People have always been a bit rude ime but one thing I've noticed in older life is that young people sort of smirk and shuffle. Like, I had a problem with my hotel key card a couple of weeks ago and went to ask for a new one. All perfectly light hearted and these things happen (and exactly the tone I've always used for situations like that) but the young women behind the counter looked so awkward and smirky like teenagers being told off at school. I wasn't telling anyone off!

I do think the karen thing is a disaster for older women. It's absolutely fine to openly treat us like idiots now and if we ever express even an ounce of dismay at anything then we're gammon fash etc etc.

I’m in my 30’s but sometimes find that people are nicer to me when I look more ‘put together’.

Not necessarily wearing makeup, but when I’m wearing nicer clothes and don’t look knackered from being up with a baby all night.

People aren’t exactly rude if I’m not put together, just less keen to make small talk or offer help.

Interestingly, my DH has found the same. He says people are much nicer to him when he’s in a suit for work than if he’s thrown on some clothes to nip to the shop or whatever 🤷‍♀️

I think the 'Karen' thing might backfire to some extent if, as seen on this thread, we stop spending our money at these places.

the sad thing is that I have noticed an awful lot of misogyny and ageism from young women on social media. There was a thread on here the other day about a 52yr old woman bemoaning her daughter's ingratitude, and the number of women who jumped on her and compared her to their own awful 50 something mothers who wouldn't just sit quietly in the corner and hand over cash. I exaggerate (slightly) but it's pretty sad to hear women so happily throw about the phrase 'Karen'
And the stereotyping of feminism as 'dried up middle aged middle class' angry women- it seems as if once a woman gets beyond a certain age, you can insult her any way you want. It's very disheartening