Friends doing surrogacy: how to keep my feelings to myself

[AlexandraOrlov]

Before having my daughter, I had no issues with surrogacy but in the years that have passed, I’ve found it less and less comfortable. She screamed every time she was removed from my chest after birth, and for weeks her world was only right when she was on me, and no-one else. It was such an animal, instinctive bond, like we were still one unit. I cannot imagine what it would have meant for her if I’d have left then and she’d just had her father.

My friends (gay male couple) are starting their surrogacy journey. They’re in the US, it’s costly, but they both earn crazy money and they’ll have as many goes as it takes. Most contact with them has been over WhatsApp so I’ve been able to say all the “right” things but we’re visiting them in February and it’s going to be hard to sound supportive when I just feel really odd about this baby who is going to emerge knowing the smell of its “mother” and rooting for milk. Full context we are TTC again and it’s not going well, which is not helping.

I know all of this is probably not rational, and I truly believe that same sex couples are wonderful parents. I also don’t know how I feel about surrogacy when there’s a women or two women as the intended parents, I can’t unpack it that far.

How the bloody hell do I handle my mixed up feelings on this visit to not ruin a friendship I value deeply? Processing and debating it “live” with them doesn’t feel like a great idea but I’m terrible at hiding my feelings.

I couldn't stay friends with someone who bought a child. Sometimes, you realise that even people you loved as friends have such core values different to you (human purchase being a hard line for me) the friendship ends. It's ok to grieve.

I'd just not bring the subject up and / or if they did, keep the response light and breezy and move the conversation on.
they're clearly going to do it whether you approve or not, so don't say anything unless you are willing to end the friendship over it.

I think given you are actually visiting them this is really tricky.
How long are you over there, is the trip primarily to visit them as close friends and are you staying with them?

Much easier to keep it all superficial if you are only meeting on-screen.
Sympathies OP. I'd find this very hard too.

I think this is where I would be.

knowing that people chose to participate in something so utterly problematic as surrogacy, I don’t think I’d be able to be friends with them.

There are areas where I live and let live is the way to go. People are allowed to have different views. But actually buying a baby through surrogacy is more than a difference in perspective.

You put your own world view to aside (easier said than done) and realise that not everyone think this is bad, I really don’t see surrogacy as evil as most here do.

But I do understand the hurt when your world view doesn’t match with others.
I had to do this when it comes to porn / so called sex work.
My belief is that anyone who uses and or supports this industry must truly hate women, but if I’d cut off people with different values and morals - I don’t know if I had many if any people left in my life.

You have to choose if you can put it aside and if it’s woth it.

I think it will become difficult to hide or avoid showing your discomfort when you are in face to face situations. Especially if you are staying with them. I would struggle not to say what I felt as a woman and as a mother about the kind of surrogacy that happens in the US.

What's the set up of the holiday - are you staying with them?

Either be ready to be supportive or don’t visit them

people used to object to ‘test tube’ babies people judge young parents, older parents, gay parents, interracial couples, you name it parents have been judged for it

personally I think raising children to religion is a form of abuse but hey, not my job to decide who or how other people get to have or raise their babies as long as they are safe, loved and nurtured then it will work out not too bad for them in the long run.

This @SomePoster ! Couldn't agree more. Best response I've seen on MN for a while.

This

I'm not sure that I can support your reasons for not liking surrogacy - babies can't be with their mothers after birth for all kinds of reasons (adoption, death/major medical complications etc) and while it's not ideal, I'd like to think we have lots of ways to minimise any negative impact on the baby as a result and two loving fathers is certainly one way.

But ultimately, if you believe this is wrong, you need to either cancel your friendship or avoid these friends. Because how on earth can you be having happy chats about surrogacy when you have such a strong feeling of negativity about it?

For me, this would be the end of the friendship. I couldn't stay friends with a couple who had deliberately deprived a child of its mother.

I wouldn’t be visiting people to view their latest purchase if it was a baby .
I know some people have a different opinion on surrogacy to me but as I am very uncomfortable with it I won’t support anyone who does it

I just couldn’t do this, OP.

I'm a bit on the fence about this. But as @SomePosters pointed out, 2 loving parents, either mum and dad, 2 mums or 2 dad's is a much better life than some children endure, abused, unloved, shoved in the care system.

I'm similar in that my feelings around surrogacy have grown more complicated since having my own DC.

However, these men are your friends and will presumably be loving parents. Set the baby's birth aside and talk about all the other baby stuff. I'm guessing if they had adopted you wouldn't feel so conflicted, so go with that in your head.

I do think it's slightly weird that you feel differently about surrogacy for men than for women. That's not great tbh.

This.

I'd make alternative plans.

If you think a cheap holiday is worth turning a blind eye to human trafficking, crack on... but it says a lot about how much you really dislike surrogacy...

@tatabbysarerude this has nothing to do with how a baby is fed. I chose to bottle feed my baby from day 1. He was not deprived. Nor was I as a bottle fed baby

I don't agree with surrogacy and "buying babies" either but your post was over emotional IMO.

Plenty of babies thrive, physically and emotionally, without being breastfed.

And this is also not the norm
"She screamed every time she was removed from my chest after birth, and for weeks her world was only right when she was on me, and no-one else."

You've made a rod for your own back there. Babies also thrive when they are nurtured "by a village". My own often settled more quickly for their DGPs than they would for me or DH.

So whilst I don't like surrogate, I think YAB very a little bit U.

But this child was commissioned by them, it was never in the care system.
Its a very different scenario

Even if you think you can hide your distaste for surrogacy I don't think you should visit.
I'd imagine they would not be pleased that someone visited their home and accepted their hospitality while secretly judging their family as being immoral, and you won't be happy knowing you've got a principal in theory but when the rubber meets the road you said nothing.

@tabbysarerude surrogacy is not the same as formula feeding and has nothing to do with a baby not being loved or parents attachment to their child

Just because some children have awful lives is no reason for deliberately removing a baby from its mother.

It should only ever be a last resort

I'd dump them.

They are buying a human being and putting a woman's life at risk in order to do it.

I'd send them the link to the surrogacy thread on here. And the birth injury thread. Preferably before they hand over their credit card.

Male couples have an obvious challenge to becoming parents. Hiring a woman's body is not an appropriate way to resolve their challenge of becoming parents when they don't have a willing uterus.

I don’t think I could be friends with someone who deliberately separated a child from it’s mother, by buying a baby.

It’s legalised human trafficking, and I couldn’t sustain a friendship with someone who had such a difference in moral and ethical opinions. It’s more than a “live and let live” issue in my opinion.