My 13 year old Daughter has been raped by a 15 year old boy.

[TreeOfPain]

I just feel anger. But I know she wants me to be calm.

I feel anger.

OP did you change her name when posting ? If not put this thread down. There as so much idiots out there.

I am a bit culpable.

No you are not to blame here at all.

But obviously if this happened somewhere like a school where a boy went into the girls toilets and held her hostage for 2 hours then you’d have to question how it happened without anyone noticing. As a teacher I know I report any missing students.

Of course if she went to his house willingly then no one would have been worried seeing them both walk into his together and stay there for 2 hours as this happens all of the time.

I am so fucking angry on your behalf and on your daughters behalf @TreeOfPain . The sexual abuse of women and girls (and boys) is so prolific and so unchallenged in our society. The attitudes of people generally to the sexual abuse of women and girls is pathetic. I wish your daughter well. I agree that the boy is part of this culture of acceptance of the abuse of women that permeates everything. It is all about power and gratification. It is disgusting.

@TreeOfPain I'm so sorry for what your daughter has gone through. It is truly terrible.

I have reported your comment at 07.5 as you have named your daughter.

@CallOnMe

OP writes that they were on a date at the time so the school really has no involvement.

Yes and thank you.

To everyone that pointed out that I did name DD. I've reported my post. Madness, I wasn't thinking.

So Thank you.

Treeofpain I am so angry on your behalf, I have both a DD (14) & ds (13), from reading your posts it's clear how strong you are and that will be a huge help for your dd.

None of you, are to blame for this my dd has been going out with her friends since she was 12. Girls should be allowed to go out without fear of predatory males. 15 year olds know this is wrong, unless, they are so disturbed they cannot recognise human emotions.

I am trying to raise a strong daughter, I have discussed all of the ways society is different and difficult for females. It is wrong but it's true, all we can do is support them. I do discuss these issues with my ds to.

It sounds like your dd has a lot of support and is lucky you are her mum.

I’m so sorry about what happened flowers

If anyone needs proof how hard it can be for our teenage girls, spare a thought for Mia Janin who took her life by suicide after allegedly being bullied by boys at her school, a very middle class school in North London. I won’t derail this thread but the school deleting social media accounts and parents closing ranks to protect their sons are just two of the disturbing aspects of that case.

An unpopular boy gets shamed for life, a popular boy is excused while his victim gets shamed. So nothing much changes.

I am so fucking angry on your behalf and on your daughters behalf @TreeOfPain . The sexual abuse of women and girls (and boys) is so prolific and so unchallenged in our society. The attitudes of people generally to the sexual abuse of women and girls is pathetic

I think blame is normal really. But I don't think its really about the victim deep down. I think have screwed boundaries and understanding themselves which is incredibly worrying. And being able to assign a reason/blame somewhere makes the person feel a bit more in control. That there's something they won't do, something they won't wear or places they wouldn't go because that will prevent it some how. It won't happen to them. They will be ok

The alternative is the harsh realisation they cannot stop it, its something completely out of your control. And I think that's too scary to have to live with. Much easier when there's a " reason"

Uts a shame though that the result of this is victims feeling so alone. That no one believes them and inevitably starting to blame themselves.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to your daughter & your family.

I so so understand your rage.

It's so cheering to hear she has a loving family around her who will support her, so many rape survivors just don't.

This lad... Has he been prosecuted? .... Raping a child as a child is a good start to an adult sex offender career...
The state is failing him and society without targeted therapy.

Think you're right... These young men have been badly let down... Violent porn ending up in the vaccum... With the absence of decent men in their lives to show them through words and actions, how to respect other people....

And also, more importantly... Everyone has (some sort of) sex drive.... At 15, hormones are flooding your system...and brain development isn't adult yet...

It's much much better to have solo sex than EVER expect someone else to be forced by you into sex activity.(as well as being illegal.)

Sadly, violent porn teaches young male brains that girls /women 'enjoy' forced, violent choking /rape.

I wish your daughter healing.

So true @Whatwouldscullydo

12 is no age

It is shit, all of it. I really hoped that the victim blaming and shaming at least would stop but it’s just adapted. To my relief I had boys but now I’m scared for my beautiful innocent granddaughter.

Look after yourself as well as your daughter

💕One for you one for your daughter. To both your recovery, one second at a time.

I am reading this while my teenage dds get ready, and I feel heartbroken for your dd and you OP.
Boys this age often watch porn on their phones, many parents have this “oh it’s just what they do” attitude, when it is so brutalising and damaging. This boy though- targeting much younger girls, holding your daughter captive, raping your daughter. He is clearly extremely dangerous. I am assuming he was at your daughter’s school, has he been excluded now ?
Maybe due to deletions, but I am not clear what happened with other girls, have they found out and are blaming your dd ? The cult of the popular kids, it is really horrible. I would be hauling my dds over the coals if they did anything like this.
I really think things are worse for girls now than when I was a teenager. Younger boys exposed to extreme porn, a highly sexualised culture (teen Vogue’s anal sex guide being just one shocking example ) rigidly enforced gender roles.
I love having daughters but I am fearful for them. The sexism dressed up as progressive, the pressure to be sexual, the harassment.
I am so sorry that this has happened to your child.

You mentioned in an earlier post that your daughter had had to describe what happened to a policeman. I hope that was a typo, because she should not have had to to say anything to a male officer.

You also mentioned: An officer came out on Friday to take an initial statement, so we're waiting for a contact regarding a video interview with a specially trained officer.
When this takes place you should perhaps make sure they include the other crime your daughter suffered, false imprisonment. You may think it's less important, and/or the police may already have added that to the "case". But it's important because it may help them to get a conviction. You're probably right that society has some culpability for the situation, but this "person" must be punished for what he did, and his classmates and other boys must learn that it's a crime with punishments attached and not just something they can excuse or pretend didn't happen.

I hope your daughter doesn't find the interview too gruelling.

Did you also tell the police he has a 12 y/o girlfriend?

He’s definitely doing this with her too and even to be with a 12 y/o says a lot about him.

I’d be worried about any young children being left alone with him.

This makes my blood boil, l am so very sorry op, you are in no way culpable, our daughters have to have some life and reasonable freedom.
One thing women can do (although not advisable in this case due to the young age of your dd,) is when a grown man rapes, shout it to the world, his boss, his workmates, his mother.....we have to expose and humiliate these men as adults....although this is a very different situation of course.

I have a 16 year old dd and live in fear, (and rage about that) for her.......wise women of mumsnet, how do we change this??

Really, thank you all. I'm just on my way into school to see the head.

DD is also very keen to go in for a couple of mornings before the end of term. Which I think probably a good thing for her to do.

She won't be going back in September.

If she’s not going back in September is there any reason for her to go in before the end of term?

Honestly I’d keep her off and let her enjoy the weather.
If you can use it to do some fun things before the schools break up.

I don’t mean to upset you with this op as I know mn can feel like a safe space but it’s not contained to here - ie mn owns the content and it can be used if media pick it up

I’m hesitating to post this but it can feel erroneously safe on here

@Rafferty10

It will never change and were kidding ourselves that men will be “socialised” out of this or other patriarchal instincts. Push to hard and take too much of their power and then it will spring back twice as bad.
The whole thing is just a manifestation of who they really are, the crimes like this are just done by the most evil ones amongst them. We’ve kidded ourselves that men and women are the same deep down because thanks to industrialisation and technology we can do a lot of the same jobs, but were not and never will be.

We are but animals after all.

OP I am so very sorry this happened to your daughter. I can somewhat imagine what you are going through right now. My autistic, primary school aged son was raped by a slightly older boy. I hesitated to post on here, but want to reassure you that there IS support available, and things WILL get better.

The NSPCC can offer tailored advice, and in certain areas provide specialist counselling for children and young people who are autistic/have SEN. We found social services "children with disabilities" team invaluable for advising police and other agencies on how to interact with DS, and eventually had an excellent support package in place. Although I will say it took some time, and I had to be persistent!

Your daughter is so very brave, and has a wonderful supportive mum and family! Be sure to look after and seek support for yourself too. It's a horribly draining experience.

So sorry and angry to hear about this. I wish you both strength and healing.
Your daughter has a strong mother, who has her back. 💐

@TreeOfPain All hail your DD for taking the courageous step to report this sexual assault as a crime. I vary on the definition as the police are now involved & technically the charge may not be rape - this does not lessen or change the seriousness of what has happened. There is no variation that it was sexual assault, he committed sexual acts on your DD without her consent.

That a 15yo sexual aggressor is ‘dating’ a 12yo girl shocks me, but I am no longer surprised by such matters.

I hope that your meeting with the school Head has gone well & there is a concrete credible plan to address how this situation is managed within the school & across the student body.

I suggest that you take this matter to the Chair of school Governors as well.
The Head & senior management team have to be seen to making change happen. Give the school no room for wriggle on what has happened.

IDK about your DD going in before end of term. She’s been through a trauma, & as much as she knows her own mind, she does not yet have experience of after trauma shock of this scale. I would not stop or talk her out of it, but would give her plenty of room to change her mind, come back early or be picked up at a moments notice. Such early days for her, for you & your family.

Also, admiration & heartfelt respect to every MNetter on here.