Can you help me compile a list of tasks that are emotional labour/life admin?

[PetticoatSoldier]

I’m trying to write a comprehensive list of every job that comes under the emotional labour/life and home admin banner so I can share it with DH.

We share physical housework tasks and childcare equally but we were talking recently and he said something about “everything” being split equally and I pointed out that no actually, “everything” is not. So, now he has offered to take his fare share, I am trying to write a list of everything I can possibly think of to ensure the load is evenly split 😀 Can you help?

I’ll post what I have in comments or else this OP will be massive!

making sure food in the fridge/freezer and cupboards is in date.
planning what to eat based on what needs using up
knowing what to use instead of the iten that does not arrive in the shopping.

making sure you know which cup the children like, their favourite food, how they like it cut up, exactly how full they like the cereal dish and how soggy cereal is before it is unacceptable. (all these things ex did not know) make sure the cu pis washed and ready and that cereal bowl is clean

calculating how long it takes to get somewhere, how long it takes to get ready and a contingency time.

and thanks to you lot I am not going to feel guilty for not teaching dd to cook. ex is doing that at his house. I do so much else.

@ArabellaScott

General mental picture of levels of food in

fridge
cupboards
prepper stash
snack boxes
fruit bowl

and planning what to cook several days in advance, and shopping accordingly replenishing tins, etc

livin the dream

I like the addition of prepper stash

mine is overfull at the moment.

answering that call of muuuuuuuuummmmm

I've... lost my tshirt, my phone has dropped down the back of the bed, can i have pudding

managing the kids emotional regulation. particularly if neurodiverse. teraching them to name emotions and recognise them. and how to calm down for themselves.

@Winkywonkydonkey

I think the worst is holidays for me. Having to pack everyone else's bags (and wash all preferred items well ahead to ensure they're clean and dry), remember medicines, plasters, suncream, entertainment for the kids, dog sitter, work out the post code of places we need to be, print boarding passes/tickets, find and bring passports, take an actual fridge sized box of healthy snacks, buy new hats/sandals/sunglasses.

And then reversing all of that when home.

I always start a holiday completely wiped out from it all. The worst is that DH likes to book mini breaks which require as much prep as a 3 week getaway so I never feel at all relaxed and the pile of things I need to sort out again when home just makes the whole thing a trial

I hear you....

This is my life.

DH can pack in 30 mins. That's fine when you're just packing for yourself and also assuming that I'll pack all the things he needs but perceives as not his responsibility (sun cream, bug spray, toiletries by way of example).

He also forgets I've already anticipated what he wants to pack and have ensured those clothes are washed, ironed and clean.

I'm getting quite angry reading this thread and feeling like a fucking mug

Sure it's been mentioned but:

Emptying bins
Filling up hand soap /oil bottles
Cutting the kids nails.

Also, this:

All these folk who say "ah but it only takes 5 mins" for all the jobs are MASSIVELY oversimplifying

^^
Is true : but there are a hell of a lot of those 5 mins.

Oh laundry.

DH thinks he is great because he puts the odd load in from the laundry basket from time to time.

What's never once occurred is that things need washing that are not clothes.

So tea towels, wash cloths, bathroom towels and the big motherfucker of bedding.

Never occurs for him to strip the bed, wash it or re-make it.

I'm getting quite angry reading this thread and feeling like a fucking mug angry

^^

Me too. Same here.

I was booking the (outdoor) swimming sessions for us all I. E. Kids, me and DH, and DH had the audacity to say 'don't book for when it's raining'
😡

No shit sherlock you fuck face

Have we talked about our digital lives?

Managing the backup drives, the clouds, the email accounts, the passwords.... oh tge passwords...

@Avocadowoman

Being the one that says no. Eg Because you are the one that tries to provide a balanced diet, you are the one that says ‘no we can’t have burgers again, we are having pasta tonight’. And because you are the one saying that, you get the moaning, and you are the one saying ‘no you can’t make a sandwich instead’ and then ‘no you can’t have a biscuit 15 minutes after tea when you didn’t eat enough’

It isn’t just the doing stuff, it is being in the firing line because you are the one doing the stuff!

You went to the shops, so you get the moans if you didn’t get something that someone wanted but didn’t tell you.

The one that didn’t go doesn’t get the grief.

I hate this.

This one is a bit mind blowing! You are SO right!

And then reversing all of that when home.

^

Sorry, me again. But, yeah! You basically have to pack at home, unpack when you get to the destination, then pack to go home, then unpack once home. That's 4 fucking times!

@MotherofPearl

Packed lunches are my line in the sand! My DC all have school dinners whether they like them or not. I absolutely loathe making packed lunches and trying to think of things to put in them. I don't care how vile and nutritionally worthless the school dinners are because the main thing is I don't have to make them.

I am 100% with you on that!

Fascinating thread! I'd have been the person listing all the unsung things I did with DC's father. In fact, he was SO noncontributory and defensive when challenged it was actually easier being a single parent! Now have a DH who does at least 50% of this stuff and it is so, so different. Completely changes the relationship. Well worth challenging! Good luck everyone.

temperature regulation:
providing clothing: hats, gloves, coat, scarf, spares, wellies, warm socks and shoes and sandals sun hat, sunspray, sunglasses, spares, longsleeved shirts and trousers, shorts, beach towel.
making sure the kids are wearing the right things at the right time and are not too hot or too cold and will not be too hot or cold during the day.
bedroom temperature and matching layers for babies at night and kids duvets, tucking in, ensuring the right pyjamasswapping summer and winter duvets, storing, cleaning, blankets.
making sure windows are shut/open, curtains are shut in the heat/cold, (and are available) replacing broken curtain hooks. making sure windows are safe and kids won't escape/fall out. and are shut before going out. installing window locks and putting key somewhere safe.
isetting up the boiler, temperature, programming, batteries, pressure, turning on and off adjusting thermostat,
bathtime, warm room, warm towels, warm bedroom, bathwater of the right temperature, regulating the boiler temperature so water and radiators do not scald/burn children.
temperature in the car. do they need to put on or take off layers? aircon, windows open , sunshades,
safety, hot drinks, cooking, oven, microwave, fireblankets and extinguisers, smke alarms and co2monitors.

Making you write the list and do the thinking is emotional labour/life admin in itself.

It is anger inducing, all this.

Men's ability to be carelessly indifferent to all this = the spoils of patriarchy.

Women listing all this, capturing it = they're being petty.

Buying new things when they need replacing, ie:

Towels
Flannels
Toothbrushes
Underwear
Socks
Shoes
Wellies
Sandals
School bags
Kit for PE
Kit for sports
Stationery for homework
Tissues
Facemasks
Sun hats
Winter hats
Gloves

Also remembering to buy and have to hand, household things that people want and use from time to time and expect to be in the house, ie "Where's the..."

Safety pins
Needle and thread
Nail file
New sellotape
Staples for the stapler
Stamps
Tweezers

Holidays

Ideas for them, researching them, comparing them

@DancingKitten

Buying new things when they need replacing, ie:

Towels
Flannels
Toothbrushes
Underwear
Socks
Shoes
Wellies
Sandals
School bags
Kit for PE
Kit for sports
Stationery for homework
Tissues
Facemasks
Sun hats
Winter hats
Gloves

Also remembering to buy and have to hand, household things that people want and use from time to time and expect to be in the house, ie "Where's the..."

Safety pins
Needle and thread
Nail file
New sellotape
Staples for the stapler
Stamps
Tweezers

Ha!!!

This absolutely.

Being the keeper of occasionally needed but essential items.

BUT many men would read this List and claim that at least half of these jobs are totally unnecessary. And they might even be right about a few of them...

Just saying.

Ah well - DH:

Pays all bills, including outsourcing where required
Does the bins and recycling
Sweeps the leaves

Brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning - this ensures I forgive all his shortcomings.

Then there's birthdays. It's not just "the main present". It's the buying of balloons, cards (from siblings as well), wrap, tape, cake, party bags, decorations (storing, locating and putting up, and taking down and repacking and restoring), candles, matches, food, drinks, party venue and/or entertainment, invitations for party, writing of invitations, keeping check of RSVPS, party outfit and shoes, buying of thank-you cards, overseeing writing of thank-you cards, posting thank-you cards.

DH saying he'll buy a present is "Got Birthday Done" as far as he's concerned. He did the whole birthday.

That took a while

Love the temp regulator one. We live in Canada so it literally goes from minus 20 to plus 30 in about 6 weeks.

Guess who's responsible for the wardrobe change over? And requisite gloves /hat/salopettes to flip flops/hats /swim wear switch? And appropriately storing, shifting and labelling the fucking boxes to be stored away for next winter /summer? Then the kids have grown 6 inches each and you have to shop for new stuff! You, ladies, YOU have to do that too!

😡

Off the top of my head:

Child based

Planning and getting new items as needed - everything from school uniform and shoes to new bedding to gifts

School admin -

retrieving the banana stained letter about the school trip, wiping it off and signing it

Putting it in the family calendar - is there a family calendar or are you it?

Making sure there are clothes ready for mufti/world book day/other non-uniform days; yep!

organising and attending parents eves

reading report cards

Booking the time out of school for essential appointments

Sorting through outgrown items for despatch to bin, charity or for sale - not just clothes but books, toys, old electronics, games, sports equipment... I did this quarterly with dd and it was one of my most hated jobs!

Kids healthcare admin -

Making the medical appointments - inc dentist and glasses if needed - and ensuring dc attend

Taking kids to gp when they're ill

Collecting prescriptions and medical items like glasses

Ensuring repeat prescriptions are ordered

Booking haircuts and ensuring child attends

Kids social lives

Birthday parties - ensuring rsvp, if they're going sorting card and gift inc wrapping and writing out card/getting child to write out card

Play dates organisation

Keeping on top of admin for clubs and hobbies

Household

Balancing the budget

Checking bank accounts that no faulty or dodgy transactions have occurred

Shopping around for insurances and haggling

Shopping around for best deals on bills

Car maintenance and associated admin (mot, tax, servicing booked)

Keeping an eye on 1st aid stocks and replenishing as needed

Keeping an eye on emergency stocks and replenishing when needed (where I live power cuts in winter so things like torches, candles and matches, batteries but everyone has their own "thing" they need to be prepared for)

Family admin

Greetings cards for relatives at appropriate times planned and sent in time ditto gifts inc planning gifts

Planning Christmas - yep! That's a biggie!

Planning, booking and prepping for holidays, ensuring passports and insurance etc all covered and up to date, booking transport to destination or at least airport, ensuring all items that will be packed are suitable and will fit in the cases! Catching up on the laundry to facilitate this!

Organising if the family are attending a christening/wedding - time off work and school, outfits, cards, gifts...

Making you write lists of tasks because he can't be arsed to think of what needs doing himself?

yep!

Love an excel sheet 

Dealing with consumer complaint issues - returning faulty items, getting refunds, phoning up the car insurance when they've double charged you... that kinda thing takes bloody ages to sort!

All these folk who say "ah but it only takes 5 mins" for all the jobs are MASSIVELY oversimplifying

Totally agree!

Plus it's a lot of "only 5 min" jobs and just 12 = 1 hour of work

The ones on others lists I haven't included doesn't mean I don't think they count but trying not to be too repetitive

Pet care and admin too, i don't have pets but I notice friends who do constantly having to keep on top of vaccinations, worming etc plus pet insurance

@karmakameleon I like your style!

Teaching your DC to do a couple of these tasks and overseeing them doing them until they get it (could take ages!)

Yes! Another biggie depending on the task! I have a photo of dd making fairy cakes on her own the first time - kitchen is a BOMBSITE there's literally flour on the ceiling and she's head to foot in it she thought I'd be cleaning up! Er no! But I had to supervise her and ensure she cleaned up properly (ok I helped a bit) mishaps learning to do laundry without shrinking/dying everything too!

Finishing stuff. DH will clean the toilet till you could safely eat your dinner off it, but doesn't seem to notice that the toilet roll needs topping up and the hand towel needs changing

Oh god yes! Ex used to do this half arsing a job but trying to make it appear he hasn't! His thing was washing the dishes and pans and cooker - they'd be spotless and dried and put away BUT he didn't clean down the counters!

but I bet she didn't have to spend half an hour running round the house checking all the fittings for model numbers and scrolling through amazon working out which ones to buy to fit

Omg! Yes!

My last flat ALL the fittings were sodding IKEA! There isn't a Fucking IKEA within 50 miles! They only took IKEA bulbs so I'd do a once a year trip and stock up but even "just" changing the bulbs was a fart and a half cos every room the bulbs went in a different method! When I moved here even though normal light fittings not all rooms same (some bayonet, some screw in) and the power levels differ so now I have it all on a bloody memo on the phone!! I mean wtf!

Finding places to store every damn thing, keeping those places vaguely tidy,

That's so funny I nearly started a thread about that! My flat is shit for storage so I've had to work out what goes where and how and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be obvious to someone else but it's what I've worked out after living here a few years - eg x Tupperware can't go in y cupboard as it's just a little too big and the cupboard door won't close type things

Also so you know where shit is when you need it!

I've taken to learning that if I had trouble finding a thing in future where possible put it the first place I looked as that's where my brain thinks it is!

To the pp on batteries... I raise you CHARGING devices/wireless phones/toothbrushes/rechargeable batteries etc!!! yes!

Takes the rubbish out but not put a new bag in the bin ex did this too SO annoying!

making sure that the baby change bag has everything it should have in

Ex and I once had a HUGE row about this one as he took an essential item out instead of exhausting himself by going upstairs to get it from baby's room AND NOT PUTTING IT BACK so next time I took baby out I got caught out! So I made sure next time he took baby out he was similarly caught out (except not the thing was there but I hid it till he called me about it) - he learned the lesson! Dick!

Finder Of All The Missing Things. Presumably the uterus is some kind of homing device

Yes with ex and dd I just resorted to "i don't know where YOU left it LOOK!"

booking babysitters

After the SHOCKING replies on another thread I'm gonna say "booking a SUITABLE babysitter" not one you barely know yourself, who's never met the kids last minute!

He was really surprised at what a faff it was to get a sitter!

See!!

My dd is 20 and has left home to study I'm still:

Counsellor/therapist

Accounting adviser

Prompter for medical updates (she has a disability which involves regular check ups and orthotics which need replaced periodically and specialist spectacles. She is still somewhat in denial and needs reminding)

Personal tutor (I swear I should get a certificate for her course after the past year!)

Cheerleader

Sounding board for off the wall ideas

I love her to bits but wow it never ends...

Then I think and realise I'm nearly 50 and my mum still listens to and guides me, and reminds me of shit I need to do healthwise!

This is one of those threads makes me glad to be single though as even though I had to do it all I only had to do it for dd and I and not another adult!