Can you help me compile a list of tasks that are emotional labour/life admin?

[PetticoatSoldier]

I’m trying to write a comprehensive list of every job that comes under the emotional labour/life and home admin banner so I can share it with DH.

We share physical housework tasks and childcare equally but we were talking recently and he said something about “everything” being split equally and I pointed out that no actually, “everything” is not. So, now he has offered to take his fare share, I am trying to write a list of everything I can possibly think of to ensure the load is evenly split 😀 Can you help?

I’ll post what I have in comments or else this OP will be massive!

Has anyone mentioned contraception?

I love this thread. DH and I are pretty much 50-50 overall, and we’re both knackered all the time (four DC, two ASD). I learnt the importance of an involved partner the hard way by having a stoner boyfriend for way too long, lending him loads of money that I never got back because he couldn’t hold down a job, and even basically doing his degree for him.

Contraception.

Sanitary towels / tampons, does he remember to buy them if he's doing the shopping? If you have a girl will he remember to buy some suitable for her before she starts her periods.

Do you buy all the cards / presents including for his family?

Xmas dinner - what you have, do you go to his parents? Yours? No one? Who does the 'big' shop? Decorations? Tree? If you are going then what are you taking?

Who empties the fridge of anything that's out of date?

If nursery called your DH what would he do? I bet you have a plan, his is probably to call you.

When I moved here even though normal light fittings not all rooms same (some bayonet, some screw in) and the power levels differ so now I have it all on a bloody memo on the phone!! I mean wtf!

You can get converters ES to bayonet and Bayonet to ES.

The irony of the OP asking a group of women to help her write a list of wife work jobs because her husband doesn’t know what they are is delicious.

So many more things I hadn't even though of!

In defence of my DH, he isn't making me write a list. We chatted it through at the time it came up and he agreed to take on specific tasks. The reason I decided to ask you fantastic women to help is because I was sure there were more jobs we could be splitting and I want to make sure he gets his full 50% 😁 From the replies I am glad I asked because there are so many more on here than I remembered or considered EL. I do agree that fact I took it upon myself to gather more info and he didn't is EL in itself, even though he hasn't asked me to do it!

I'm going to try and compile all of this into a massive list (it will take a while!) and will share when I can. Keep em coming!

This is a fantastic list. I think what's difficult is a lot of these tasks are overlapping / interconnected so you either need to group tasks eg 'you do everything to do with pets, I do everything to do with clothes' or it becomes very confusing to remember who should do what. But you still need to break them down to be clear on how much time and effort they require eg if you have five children and their clothes and one pet goldfish, presumably the clothes job is bigger.

Also, to me, many of these are things that all parents should be abreast of, eg what's worrying the kids atm, making decisions about their lives, which trip are they going on next week, and so on. So if there is more than one parent on the scene, no one should take on sole responsibility for the school / social / clubs etc side of things. One parent might make bookings, sign forms etc but both need to show an interest in what is going on in their children's lives so they remember to ask how ballet rehearsals are going or whatever. This is the kind of stuff that when women raise it, as a PP noted, it looks really petty but if we just get on and do it all it is ridiculously unfair.

I agree with a PP that unbalanced parental leave early on helps set this up as on mat leave many women do have more time and it just grows from there. We are fairly split in our house (and reading this has made me realise how much my other half does that I have overlooked) and my fella took additional paternity leave, as it was called at the time, so I wonder if that helped?

This is the kind of stuff that when women raise it, as a PP noted, it looks really petty but if we just get on and do it all it is ridiculously unfair.

This is such an important point. It seems petty to raise it, petty to call it 'work' if we are merely listening to DC offload their troubled minds. But do it day in day out while your DH is relaxing in front of the football and you realise: it's work. Anything you wouldn't choose to do as relaxation but needs to be done for the happy, healthy management of home and family is Work and should be equally divided.

Swimming lessons
DH can’t swim, so traditionally, I’ve done all the swimming lessons (so we can have a fun swim afterwards). DH also suffers very badly from hayfever, which means I am now doing all the football (extended season) and cricket runs. Unless the dc have a clash and he will reluctantly take one and sit in his car.

There's one I constantly notice. DH and I were sorting laundry together the other day. Every few seconds he holds up an item and asks: DS1 or DS2. How come i know who every single tee shirt set of PJs or underpants belongs to and DH is clueless? By knowing this he often suggests I sort the laundry as it's 'easier' for me because I know this arcane shit.

In my house it's:
Remembering which bins go out on which days (we have a 2 weekly cycle that's listed on the internet)
Sorting and paying for the tutor, music teacher, extra curricular activities
Sorting out old clothes and knowing that school trousers, branded school stuff and outdoor coats/boots go to Friend A and school shirts and Other clothes go to Friend B.
H doesn't even know what needs doing for items 2&3 and for item 1 he asks me without fail every Sunday night.

Probably still keeping an eye on their list because you don't want things to go to shit.

DH: "I SWEAR I bought the insurance"
Me: No, it appears you just meant to
DH: "Oh I was really busy and stressed then. Why did you ask me"

Went a year with no homeowners 🤬

@BlackeyedSusan

temperature regulation: providing clothing: hats, gloves, coat, scarf, spares, wellies, warm socks and shoes and sandals sun hat, sunspray, sunglasses, spares, longsleeved shirts and trousers, shorts, beach towel. making sure the kids are wearing the right things at the right time and are not too hot or too cold and will not be too hot or cold during the day. bedroom temperature and matching layers for babies at night and kids duvets, tucking in, ensuring the right pyjamasswapping summer and winter duvets, storing, cleaning, blankets. making sure windows are shut/open, curtains are shut in the heat/cold, (and are available) replacing broken curtain hooks. making sure windows are safe and kids won't escape/fall out. and are shut before going out. installing window locks and putting key somewhere safe. isetting up the boiler, temperature, programming, batteries, pressure, turning on and off adjusting thermostat, bathtime, warm room, warm towels, warm bedroom, bathwater of the right temperature, regulating the boiler temperature so water and radiators do not scald/burn children. temperature in the car. do they need to put on or take off layers? aircon, windows open , sunshades, safety, hot drinks, cooking, oven, microwave, fireblankets and extinguisers, smke alarms and co2monitors.

This one dropped my jaw. Never occurred to me but who is the one sorting out the fans in the right place, making the hot water bottles, buying extra blankets, putting spare PJs by the bed in case of night sweats?

Not to mention if they are unwell. Who does the medicine, the honey and lemon, sick bowl, towels, change of bedding, GP appointment.

@Cowbells

There's one I constantly notice. DH and I were sorting laundry together the other day. Every few seconds he holds up an item and asks: DS1 or DS2. How come i know who every single tee shirt set of PJs or underpants belongs to and DH is clueless? By knowing this he often suggests I sort the laundry as it's 'easier' for me because I know this arcane shit.

I have this with DH. It is because I buy everything.

I agree with a PP that unbalanced parental leave early on helps set this up as on mat leave many women do have more time and it just grows from there. We are fairly split in our house (and reading this has made me realise how much my other half does that I have overlooked) and my fella took additional paternity leave, as it was called at the time, so I wonder if that helped?

We are the same. Me and DH both work fulltime, both do the same commute, accidentally shared maternity leave with our first child 12 years ago, and DH does a huge amount around the house. I always now tell people to share the mat leave so their partner knows exactly what is involved.

We moved house a couple of months ago. I still don't know have not learnt how to use the oven and stove.

@Cowbells

There's one I constantly notice. DH and I were sorting laundry together the other day. Every few seconds he holds up an item and asks: DS1 or DS2. How come i know who every single tee shirt set of PJs or underpants belongs to and DH is clueless? By knowing this he often suggests I sort the laundry as it's 'easier' for me because I know this arcane shit.

I have this. Then just as dh is learning, the garment gets passed on to the next child! Name tapes are as much for him as school, but I refuse to label non-uniform clothes.

Oh yes - labelling school/sports/scout stuff

Sorting / keeping first aid kit up to date.

Supervising music practice

Phoning school if they're not going in for some reason

Planning meals and food shopping

Knowing where they're at with school subjects, so remembering that they got 60% in their last maths test, so 70% on this one is really good.

My DH is a SAHD and I work full time so have successfully outsourced much of this crap to him! I’m in charge of health and well-being though and most of this stuff DH wouldn’t have a bloody clue about!

• making medical & other appointments
• reading up on symptoms to make judgement calls on health stuff eg day off, call GP
• keeping medicine cabinet stocked and knowing when to give what plus all the various home remedies and comfort
• general monitoring of physical and mental health eg is she looking a bit peaky, is that a rash, why is she acting up
• reading up on behaviour and developmental stuff and reports etc that come from school and nursery
• discussing with school/nursery about how we can support/encourage better then planning & doing those activities
• keeping an eye on how their clothes are fitting and buying new ones
• making sure they’re dressed appropriately for the weather, have hats, suncream, waterproofs etc
• potty training and reminding everyone to use the loo at regular bloody intervals - I’m not delighted that there is a space in my brain dedicated to tracking when everyone last did a wee!
• generally keeping everyone happy and entertained

Just had a row with DH over FB. Apparently his dislike of it trumps my dislike of arranging all the DCs clubs and childcare.

Oh I forgot getting recommendations for schools, SEN groups, etc etc.

For later on, revision - making sure they're doing it, helping them with planning if necessary, testing them etc. Finding and printing past papers. Looking through mark schemes with them and explaining how to get the marks.

Knowing names of teachers.

Buying stationery / calculators etc.

Knowing which form they are in at secondary school without having to ask every single time.

My DH once begrudgingly agreed to phone school one morning when DC had orthodontist appointments, but managed to phone their old primary school when DC were in Y9 and Y11. The receptionist had to phone him back to say they had left several years previously.

We did a spreadsheet because I was a sahm mum who went back to work and my DH didn’t get it. We decided to split chores 50/50.

I would say the arguing has greatly reduced.

But there is a catch you have to accept that the other person’s way of doing something is not always going to be the way you would have done it. If you’re a perfectionist, you need to reduce your expectations.

You have to accept they are starting from point zero, and will need to learn from their mistakes.

You have to ignore intentional helplessness. I.e. the not knowing whose item of clothing it is. You have to be strong and say, “I don’t know.” That way they have to a) read the label -size b) ask the children c) take an educated guess. If they’re wrong then tell the kids to take it up with dad.

If dad is in charge of schools bags make sure it’s the school / your child who goes to them to complain and not you if they forget something.

Men are not children. Sometimes we treat them like they are and they allow themselves to be mothered. But its not healthy really, and I doubt any man honestly wants to be thought of as a manchild by their peers. It’s probably why they pretend they aren’t.

My eldest is 11. Its taken SEVEN years for rhe school to add my partner to the email list, despite him regularly asking. In effect, I am in charge of monitoring:

Emails
App used for reporting absence
Google classroom
Seesaw
School Facebook page
Phone calls

Why it takes six channels to communicate w parents is a mystery, but it's very clear they only want to deal with one parent and that parent is apparently the mother by default.

One that I haven't seen mentioned (although I might have missed it)

• pocket money - how much, how often. Adjusting as they get older. Having the cash available and/or setting up and managing pocket money app. Researching best banks accounts for juniors and opening accounts.

Also in our house - researching and subscribing to children's magazines (The Week, Phoenix etc) that match their interests and encourage reading

• finding audio books / podcasts / radio shows that we will all enjoy for long car journeys

I have mixed emotions reading this.

Some of the posts made me giggle, especially this one by DiscontentedWoman
Finder Of All The Missing Things. Presumably the uterus is some kind of homing device

Overall I feel sad and actually quite angry.

My dh does quite a bit (washing, ironing, bins, bills, the lawn and will cook and pop to the shop too if necessary) but has literally NO IDEA that a lot of the other things mentioned on here get done. By me, obviously.

It's as if only the visible or vital things are on his radar. If he doesn't personally need it or consider it important or see
something in front of him that needs dealing with, it won't cross his mind. There is no forward planning or thought given to anything that doesn't directly concern his own person.
I think he and many other men are fundamentally ego-centric.

He has a lot of responsibilty at work and manages to handle complex projects there ( so do I) so he is not unable, intellectually, to do these things. I can only conclude that he chooses not to.

The thing that I finds the hardest to understand is how he can be so oblivious to our children's upbringing/preparation for life and emotional and mental well-being. His own father was a useless model, but I can't understand how any parent of either sex can not be wholly invested in the life of their child. How does this play out in families where there are two dads? Do gay couples outsource this to a trusted female?

Looking forward to seeing the finished list ,OP, and agree this needs to go in Classics.
Perhaps it should also be added to the national currriculum