Can you help me compile a list of tasks that are emotional labour/life admin?

[PetticoatSoldier]

I’m trying to write a comprehensive list of every job that comes under the emotional labour/life and home admin banner so I can share it with DH.

We share physical housework tasks and childcare equally but we were talking recently and he said something about “everything” being split equally and I pointed out that no actually, “everything” is not. So, now he has offered to take his fare share, I am trying to write a list of everything I can possibly think of to ensure the load is evenly split 😀 Can you help?

I’ll post what I have in comments or else this OP will be massive!

[thelegohooverer]

Soothing dc after nightmares.

Emotional coaching of dc to learn to handle social disagreements, bullying, to talk with teachers

Reading bed time stories

Sourcing soft, seam free, affordable clothing in acceptable colours for dc with asd

Preparing dc for visits to relatives, reminding them of expectations and rules, keeping an eye, scanning environment for potential hazards, debriefing dc after exposure to batshit crazy behaviours by said relatives.

Resolving sibling disputes, channelling Judge Bloody Judy

Constant re evaluation of age appropriate boundaries and rules. Judging when to say no, when to ease up. Constant decisions.

Priming dc with their “news” for grandma’s Skype call. Debriefing dc after grandma’s latest thoughtless remark.

Calling elderly relatives for a chat (welfare check).

Remembering whose dc are doing exams, whose had a doctor’s appt etc and checking in with friends and family (maintaining social networks)

[dementedma]

Cleaning the toilet and wash hand basin
Buying and wrapping all birthday and Christmas presents
Doing Christmas stockings
Car maintenance( new tyres)
Watering the garden
Sodding meal planning

[MotherofPearl]

Trying to instil table manners in DC. Pulling them up on cutlery use, chewing with mouths closed etc.

[Avocadowoman]

Being the one that says no.
Eg
Because you are the one that tries to provide a balanced diet, you are the one that says ‘no we can’t have burgers again, we are having pasta tonight’. And because you are the one saying that, you get the moaning, and you are the one saying ‘no you can’t make a sandwich instead’ and then ‘no you can’t have a biscuit 15 minutes after tea when you didn’t eat enough’

It isn’t just the doing stuff, it is being in the firing line because you are the one doing the stuff!

You went to the shops, so you get the moans if you didn’t get something that someone wanted but didn’t tell you.

The one that didn’t go doesn’t get the grief.

I hate this.

[Avocadowoman]

Challenging sexist stereotypes that your children see/hear.

[Grellbunt]

I'm waiting for some wag to arrive and tell us all we shouldn't be bothering with all of this, we are martyrs and we should just let it slide.

The kids would suffer.

[Cowbells]

Emptying school bags and checking them for forms that need filling in/letters that need replies/party invitations/scrunched up homework sheets
transferring any info from these into the family calendar
booking babysitters
booking places to go on a night out
babysitting for others in return for having them sit for you
researching, costing and booking holidays/travel/hire cars
researching and booking restaurants/family outings
remembering family birthdays and buying/writing cards and sending presents
writing thank yous after dinner parties
encouraging DC to write thank yous for birthday presents etc
organising/ferrying to/hosting play dates
booking DC's dental/hair/eye/GP appointments
attending those appointments with them
remembering/making/buying costumes for world book day/nativity plays/assemblies etc
remembering the entire family's schedule - who is free on what day and who isn't due to piano/football etc
remembering mufti for mufti days
sorting sports/swim kit, packed lunches, books to return etc
being the family 'therapist' - taking time to listen when DC fall out with friends/don't get picked for the team/get chucked by first boy/girlfriend/feel mistreated by a teacher etc
sterilising water drinking bottles

[Cowbells]

I remember when DC were small we started taking turns to organise date nights. I did a turn then when it was DH's turn he emailed me: fancy the cinema? I said OK so he emailed back: great, pick a film and book it and get a sitter. I just replied. No. Your turn to do all that. He was really surprised at what a faff it was to get a sitter!

[Nobbynobbsknob]

Monitoring mobile phones and making sure that the kids are safe emotionally.
Being there for the nightly 'can i talk to you about something' moments
Teaching them life skills - hygiene, cooking, time management, social skills, manners, cleaning and laundry, emotional management, boundaries, research for school, puberty eg periods /contraception,how to plan and pack for trips and holidays.

I agree with a pp about breaking it down. Clothing is not just washing and drying clothes. It is...
Teaching children life skill about how to dress themselves
thinking about what they need for each situation /season (schools /hobbies /parties/home /holidays /special occasions eg Halloween) .
Have they got the right size?
Are they in a good state of repair?
Do they have enough of each thing eg underwear?
Do they need name labels
Have those needs changed eg training bra?
Finding time to fix/replace when needed
Ensuring that the money is there to do that
Knowing where to get the best thing (eg Matalan school shirts , Clarkes for shoe, eBay for Halloween outfit, school second hand shop)
Remembering to say thank you for the xy and z from different people
Monitoring shoe size regularly
Knowing the correct school uniform requirements
Sorting through old clothes and throwing out /charity shop/storage
Labelling correctly for storage
Checking storage for next stage/season
Manage expectations of need /desire (fashion) /cost when friends have something
Space management for drawers and wardrobes
Taking clothes back to shop if needed
Thinking in advance about clothing needs (Tuesday =pe kit)
Teaching children the life skill of planning clothing in advance
Making sure clothes are put in the laundry in time
Teaching children life skill about needing clean clothes
Teaching children life skills about how to ensure clothes are washed (tidy room /use laundry basket)

Then, when all of that is done...
Wash, dry, iron if needed, tidy away.

Repeat for every single meal, social interaction, piece of home management and finances. Plus a bunch more.

[RainbowMum11]

School calendar things - inset days, no uniform days, PTA and school events
Childcare for school holidays & to cover sickness.
Doctors, dentist, opticians and follow ups appointments
Menu for school and when it's school dinners or packed lunches
Out of school activities and the equipment/supply/preparation needs
Planning & gifts for birthdays and parties - family, friends & school.
Preparing the shopping list for things like shampoo, washing up liquid, soap, washing powder and boring stuff

[Nobbynobbsknob]

And stain removal.
And basic sewing skills for when something rips right before leaving for school
And having the materials on hand to do that
Which means thinking ahead and getting them in/storing them in an easy to access place.

As you can tell I've spent a lot of time thinking about this.

The food /meal list is just as long as I wanted to explain to exh just what went into raising his children

[Grellbunt]

I feel a great sense of solidarity reading these

I've often felt so alone as people just won't acknowledge all this invisible work

Raising kids and running a home properly is bloody hard work

[whatisheupto]

Oh god this thread is brilliant and validating but also slightly overwhelming and a little infuriating. Look at everything we do.

[EversoDelighted]

This is why I get a bit irritated on other threads sometimes when people declare life admin as being something trivial that takes about 5 mins a week.

[SpaceOp]

This is brilliant.

Just the things I have done this week (to be fair, dh is slowly taking on more):

Realise ds may need.even more support, emailing school, setting up appointment with SENCO, attending meeting....

Thinking: 1. Dh cleans bathrooms and changes bedding but every single week asks me what day it needs doing. 2. Dh Wanted to take on extra shift at work, didn't bother to actually look at diary ans think through implications (I said no).

Prep for dd birthday party including updating other mothers on plan, considered what we need on the day, shopped for those items, make cake, prep party bags.... also finalised playdate details for ds during party.

Realised fly season is starting. Bought citronella candles and also researched and bought citronella oil and a diffuser to try.

Ds has been complaining about needing more lunch in packed lunch. Thought about what to add, purchased items, briefed dh.

Paid for football club.

Ordered new basketball after Old one got destroyed.

Thats literally just in the last 5 days. And I would consider this a relatively low level week.

[Wincher]

This all looks really familiar - I would say I do the vast majority of stuff on these lists. And of course it all starts when you’re on maternity leave and have the time to sort it all out. And then you go back part time and still it is your responsibility. These days the kids are older and I work pretty much full time, but yet still I do this stuff. DH does the morning drop offs and half of the cooking/washing up, and we now have a cleaner and get shopping delivered. But if I ever try to chat to him about more general family chores/life admin he gets really defensive and says the reason he doesn’t do this stuff is because I overthink things and he would do them if I left it all a bit looser. And he would - but far more last minute/reactively than I do. And I think my way works. But really maybe I should ease off and let him do his share in his time? I don’t know. He is self employed and works much longer hours than I do, for much more money. But as I say i work almost full time (4.5 days) in a professional middle management job, and I don’t really have time for this shit either. No idea what the answer is

[MotherofPearl]

Me too @Grellbunt. I get a sense of solidarity reading all these posts - and it's also helping me account for how little time I seem to have for myself!

[Avocadowoman]

Birthday parties:

Work out whether to have a whole class one or a just friends one. Navigate situation as needed.
Book something
Invite people
Add everyone who can come into WhatsApp group
Chase replies for those who can’t because venue etc want to know numbers
Check dietary requirements
Party bags
Cake

[Grellbunt]

I see a parallel to self employed people who put lots of hours into business development/admin but don't capture it, and therefore never realise how little money they are actually making. I had a pal who tried Usborne books and it was so clearly a loss maker but she didn't ever tot up the cost of her own time, just the cost of the books.

[ArabellaScott]

Oh, god, packed lunches

Must be

Nut free
'healthy'
not go sweaty
one of only three approved fillings
but not too repetitive
not get squished
avoid plastic
contain balanced meal
not be too processed
not be too homemade
not be fall-aparty
not too sugary
snacks specifically purchsed for lunchbox must be repeatedly taken out of children's hands on way to mouth or there won't be enough to last the week
boxes checked and emptied and washed
reusable wraps ditto

[Winkywonkydonkey]

I think the worst is holidays for me. Having to pack everyone else's bags (and wash all preferred items well ahead to ensure they're clean and dry), remember medicines, plasters, suncream, entertainment for the kids, dog sitter, work out the post code of places we need to be, print boarding passes/tickets, find and bring passports, take an actual fridge sized box of healthy snacks, buy new hats/sandals/sunglasses.

And then reversing all of that when home.

I always start a holiday completely wiped out from it all. The worst is that DH likes to book mini breaks which require as much prep as a 3 week getaway so I never feel at all relaxed and the pile of things I need to sort out again when home just makes the whole thing a trial

[whatisheupto]

Did anyone say school teacher presents yet? End of year and Christmas... not forgetting head teacher and teaching assistants.
That one's coming up soon ladies!

[ArabellaScott]

I know, I know.

[whatisheupto]

And how could we forget the small matter of SODDING HOMESCHOOLING!

[MotherofPearl]

Packed lunches are my line in the sand! My DC all have school dinners whether they like them or not. I absolutely loathe making packed lunches and trying to think of things to put in them. I don't care how vile and nutritionally worthless the school dinners are because the main thing is I don't have to make them.