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Original poster

Struggling after making a mistake, having intrusive thoughts. Please advise. *MNHQ has altered title*

161 replies

OhForFS · 24/05/2023 22:12

NC

Mid 30s, ok income, stable family life and two kids under 6.

I've recently made a mistake at work, essentially caught out gossiping. However, the person who I was talking to (not about other employees, just about the work culture) has embellished what I have said and made some awful lies up to go with it. This person has now left, and all of the things she has told management I have said have come to light. I've held my hands up and admitted to what I did say, and denied what I didn't. The problem being of course management have no way to know I'm telling the truth, especially as I've admitted to having said the parts I did say, it casts doubt on whether I said everything else I'm being accused of. Anyway, management have basically said let's move on, forget about it, what's done is done. Which is very fair of them.

But, I'm mortified. Utterly embarrassed to think people at work now have me pegged as a vile nasty gossip who says awful things. It's a small team. I've never felt so worthless in my life. I know this seems like an overreaction, but I've never been thought of in this way before, at least to my knowledge.

It's snowballed into deep self loathing, I could kick myself for confiding in this person. I'm now at the point of being riddled with constant and disgusting intrusive thoughts. It's like a bully in my head trying to convince me I'm as utterly shit as management must think I am. I'm also disgusting to look at, stupid, an awful mother. It's painful to be in my own head, I feel like I'm too useless and loathed to warrant being alive. It seems pointless.

I don't know if I want to die, I feel apathetic about that. But I don't want to face living. It all seems so pointless. I've spent the evening looking at the most expedient and straight forward ways to end my life, I haven't come across anything that is accessible for me at the moment. I have however written letters to the children to apologise and moved money into an accessible account for my partner to access for the children.

Does anyone know how to make the thoughts stop? Or how to get over the crushing embarrassment? Anything at all to help me get through it and weather this storm rather than drowning in it? I don't know how much longer I can cope with the never ending stream of abuse in my head, not long I don't think. I'm just such a let down, I don't think I can ever live this down. I hate myself.

OP posts:
betsyannegrey · 26/05/2023 09:23

Would you call your GP? Say you need an urgent appointment

You could also go to A&E. I know it seems daunting but that would really fast track you to seeing a psychiatrist and that's what you need.

You have an opportunity now, the children aren't with you, take this step for yourself. Is there a friend, or sibling, anyone you can confide in who will help you take that first step. I know from experience that people are only too willing to help if you ask them.

Megifer · 26/05/2023 09:23

Oh bless you op.

One thing I've learned after way too many mistakes and shameful episodes is that, quite frankly, others thoughts about things I've done are NEVER ever as bad as I think they are. We are our own worst enemies and critics.

We've all gossiped, exaggerated shit, maybe wanted to cause a bit of drama for our own reasons or enjoyment, got involved in things we shouldn't. Every single one of us.

Please be kinder to yourself. You've made a mistake, its been picked up, you've had your punishment in whatever way. Honestly op it will feel better soon I promise you. Do keep trying the samaritans xx

YankeeDad · 26/05/2023 09:24

@OhForFS Samaritans is surely an excellent first place to try, but again in case you are in London, The Listening Place may be another option. They are open from 9am. https://listeningplace.org.uk/. I do not know them directly but I encountered them at a fundraiser, they have good Google reviews, and their operating principles seem sound.

Home - The Listening Place

https://listeningplace.org.uk

Namechangeforthis19 · 26/05/2023 10:22

OhForFS · 26/05/2023 09:10

Ok, I'll try them now. I hadn't thought about that, they will surely be less busy.

Telling partner isn't an option. He doesn't believe in mental health disorders really, he more thinks it's weakness or an excuse for poor behaviour. I am quite sure the rejection or judgement from him on this one would be enough to finish me off entirely. When you're handing on by a thread you try to protect yourself from very obvious / avoidable upset and telling him would be the absolute worst option. I'd never live it down.

OP, my husband has never had any sort of mental health battle, even the most minor. He’s cried once in his life. He was therefore blindsided by mine but totally and utterly supportive. Please do consider telling him. Tell anyone who loves you! They can protect you better than Samaritans as they’re physically with you- although Samaritans can also protect you too of course, from your thoughts. Do both. Keep talking to us if you need/want to but no pressure to reply!

My2pence2day · 26/05/2023 12:00

Came to check and see how you were doing today. What's something that makes you happy? Can you spend at least an hour or so doing that? Listen to some music that uplifts you, watch a good movie, go for a walk, get a massage, have a bath, something ... anything
Something, anything that makes you feel like you're moving forward in a positive direction ✨️

Hop27 · 26/05/2023 12:38

Hi @OhForFS

Suicide is never the answer, you just need to hold on until you can get as much support around you as possible.
Get onto mind.co.uk, they have helplines and chat functions.
make a GP appointment, tell the receptionist you are suicidal
if you feel you are in danger of taking you life or you have made plans to call 999 or walk into A&E, they will get you emergency physchiatric care.
Call anyone in real life and get them to sit with you until help comes.

I appreciate there has been many post on this thread and I'll go back to RTFT but if you are still feeling unwell, do one of these steps depending on how bad you are feeling.
If you are thinking or have made plans to take your life go to A&E now.

IfOnlyItHadntHappened · 26/05/2023 18:27

Are you okay, OP? I’m still here for you.
🤝
x

betsyannegrey · 27/05/2023 15:41

Thinking of you, hope you're ok x

monsteramunch · 27/05/2023 19:00

Just checking in OP, thinking of you Flowers

Cyanchicken · 27/05/2023 20:23

I've had a very similar experience at work both myself and another separate time a colleague experienced it. When it was myself I thought I would die from the shame - I literally could not cope that people must think I was so awful and petty - however it did fade over time. But thinking about it now (which I haven't in over a year) made my heartbeat quicken again and I blushed again remembering!

When my colleague experienced similar my thinking was - she's got caught / overheard having a gossip and is unlucky to have been because almost everybody at work has those conversations and some of them can be quite vicious! I was mainly glad that time that it wasn't me getting caught out! I never thought any less of her I have to say - it's human nature to a certain extent!

MuckyPlucky · 09/06/2023 00:01

@OhForFS - Hi OP. I’m just checking in to see how things are now for you? I’ve been thinking of you ever since our interaction on this thread when things had first happened.

Have things changed for you? Are you getting some support now? I really hope so. Do let me know (PM if you like) if there’s any way I can offer further support (I’m the previous poster who’s had a recent breakdown plus is a MH professional) xx

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