NC

Mid 30s, ok income, stable family life and two kids under 6.

I've recently made a mistake at work, essentially caught out gossiping. However, the person who I was talking to (not about other employees, just about the work culture) has embellished what I have said and made some awful lies up to go with it. This person has now left, and all of the things she has told management I have said have come to light. I've held my hands up and admitted to what I did say, and denied what I didn't. The problem being of course management have no way to know I'm telling the truth, especially as I've admitted to having said the parts I did say, it casts doubt on whether I said everything else I'm being accused of. Anyway, management have basically said let's move on, forget about it, what's done is done. Which is very fair of them.

But, I'm mortified. Utterly embarrassed to think people at work now have me pegged as a vile nasty gossip who says awful things. It's a small team. I've never felt so worthless in my life. I know this seems like an overreaction, but I've never been thought of in this way before, at least to my knowledge.

It's snowballed into deep self loathing, I could kick myself for confiding in this person. I'm now at the point of being riddled with constant and disgusting intrusive thoughts. It's like a bully in my head trying to convince me I'm as utterly shit as management must think I am. I'm also disgusting to look at, stupid, an awful mother. It's painful to be in my own head, I feel like I'm too useless and loathed to warrant being alive. It seems pointless.

I don't know if I want to die, I feel apathetic about that. But I don't want to face living. It all seems so pointless. I've spent the evening looking at the most expedient and straight forward ways to end my life, I haven't come across anything that is accessible for me at the moment. I have however written letters to the children to apologise and moved money into an accessible account for my partner to access for the children.

Does anyone know how to make the thoughts stop? Or how to get over the crushing embarrassment? Anything at all to help me get through it and weather this storm rather than drowning in it? I don't know how much longer I can cope with the never ending stream of abuse in my head, not long I don't think. I'm just such a let down, I don't think I can ever live this down. I hate myself.