Struggling after making a mistake, having intrusive thoughts. Please advise. *MNHQ has altered title*

This is something that happens to me, and is much worse when I am under stress already.
I've got some techniques that I use to manage the intrusive thoughts and distress.

When I get the intrusive thoughts eg about something I've done that causes shame I block the thoughts. The intrusive thought comes into my head, and I feel the burn of the shame.

That can start of the ruminating/loop.of negative thoughts. So I tell myself (internal voice) to stop it. I interrupt the thought. If the internal voice doesn't work, I say the words out loud. Obviously not if I'm.in front of other people, as they think I've lost the plot.

I also hum/sing over the thoughts, or use headphones to listen to podcasts so that I'm distracted by the thoughts.

There's lots of info here about the different ways of managing the emotions. And there'll be something that will help your distress

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/self-help/.

Suicide is not the answer, even if it feels like it at the moment. You're in a crisis, and a crisis can't last forever. Things will get better, and you'll get through this.

Get some support, and get better. I also find the shame diminishes when you're not the only one who knows about it. Tell someone, so the shame doesn't have the power over you.

Mate, fuck work. Ring in sick and hand in your resignation if you want to. You don't need to though.

Get some support, speak to your family or partner.

Everyone gossips, hardly any of your colleagues will be giving it a second thought by now, management even less so. I've had colleagues go to fucking prison and nobody's that bothered after the initial 10 minutes of chatter.

Look at your gorgeous kids, they need you. Don't be doing that to them over embarrassment or whatever this is.

I know that this is a bit of a non Mumsnetty thing to say but there’s an awful lot of love for you here in these posts OP. We all get it, some of us have been there, but we know that you’re valued, loved, respected and admired. Don’t let one silly, human, slip up make you forget that or cause those who love you to lose you. Keep perspective. You are loved.

I have been in this place 7 years ago now, though obviously for different reasons. I can promise you it will get better.

I left the house with my plan in place, but on the way I decided to drive past my kid’s primary school to mentally say goodbye to them. It happened to be break time and the fence was right by the small road I was driving down. I was convinced everyone would be better off without me around. My youngest, who was 6 at the time was in the playground and saw me coming past. She ran to the fence with the biggest smile, jumping up and down waving at me. I realised she needed and loved me. Honestly on the drive back home I cried as I felt I couldn’t cope with life anymore and wanted to escape it. But I couldn’t when I saw the joy in her face at seeing me, it was shocking as I’d felt so worthless.

Please get some help and talk to someone. Everything is fixable, in the grand scheme of life jobs are only for income really. Your loved ones want you around and love you. Please take care of yourself x

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that it sounds like you are experiencing understandable heightened emotions triggered by a difficult situation at work. Please don’t let what happened define who you are. You made a mistake; you owned up. You apologised. You are not a horrible person! You’re human and you’re now having very dark thoughts but you know that you have a lot to live for. I made a similar mistake at work: confided in someone who turned on me and snitched to the manager. I was so low, crying every morning and feeling like a complete idiot. But then she showed her true colours and I made my exit when I realised the culture at work was toxic.

Please try to forgive yourself and give yourself time to think if it’s worth finding another job. Jobs come and go but your life is unique and precious. Hope you’ll find the help you need to get through this.

Without trying to be funny ... which your situation most certainly is not ... suicide is not 'sometimes the answer'. It only happens once - and it's the end. Get some help asap, please. You sound lovely. Things WILL change, and improve.
'This too shall pass' has helped me through some dark times.

You spoke about work with someone you trusted… they let you down. You did what a million people do every day, people gossip. You did nothing wrong, they betrayed your trust. If a friend was in a similar situation you would support them.

I know you are devastated, and thinking of just exiting the issue is ok… but that’s exiting a job not the kids who love you, look for you every morning and at bed time. Wake your dp, Call your friends, your mum… you are loved, you are needed . This is a moment in time , and you are worth more than one bad moment

Sometimes I look back to times in life when I had fallen out with family, or was stressed out of my mind… and I can’t actually remember what the issue was that I was loosing my mind over. Freddie Mercy was right when he said “nothing really matters in the end.”

Yes, things are shit at the moment, but this too will pass.

Everyone bitches about work. You’ve done nothing wrong. You really haven’t.
What you said was true - what that nasty person said is not. F**k it you can’t possibly be held accountable for such an unpleasant person.
You need to give yourself a break. Do your job, be as positive as possible and if anyone comments tell them what happened. You weren’t to know you were dealing with a truly toxic person.
Please get some help. All of us have done things at work we wish we hadn’t because we are all human.
Don’t let this toxic persons poison make you feel bad.

Op, I’ve been here because of work stress. I now look back and I’m so glad I spoke out to my husband. And now I have a family. I can’t believe I nearly sacrificed this family and happiness because of a bad patch at work.

Please call Samaritans and confide in your partner or a close family member immediately. Your family will just be relieved you told them. Yes, they’ll worry about you but they’d prefer that than for you to no longer be around.

This will come out in the wash. Most people gossip at work in some way and management tend to be the topic. It comes with the job! And many gossiping at work are overheard. Some people are caught up in disciplinary procedures even (not for gossiping of course - much worse) - which you aren’t because they clearly want to keep you. It’s just a job. Honestly, I have seen in my own workplaces much, much worse than this and the people involved stay most of the time. Some decide to move somewhere else and they do this easily.

I don’t mean to patronise, but I feel like in your mental health crisis, you have lost sight a little and believe it’s much worse than it really is. I also thought you were going to say you had lost a child or someone like a spouse to suicide.

Please keep talking here if you find it helps. But please don’t only use this and make sure you talk to your family immediately.

Yup, as soon as I read your post, I thought toxic shame spiral. Hugs, OP. These are utter torture, but DO NOT BELIEVE YOUR THOUGHTS when you are in the grip of one of these. Your thoughts are not giving you a clear and accurate picture of anything right now. I'd recommend you contact a therapist asap who can help you get some perspective, because you are not seeing things clearly right now. xxx

Nobody is going to take your children. Honestly, that won't happen, you're very obviously a loving parent who wants the best for your children.

Sweetheart, there is no shame in suffering from depression. It isn’t a weakness or a character flaw, it’s an illness that doesn’t discriminate. Well done for seeking help, that’s a very sensible thing to do. You’re in the midst of a health crisis right now and it sounds like taking some time off might be beneficial while you put energy into recovering from this, just as you’d take time off with pneumonia or sepsis.

For what it’s worth OP I attempted suicide when I was 16 and instantly regretted which a large number of people do in that instant that have survived/been found. Honestly don’t do it!! I came out the other side never ever wanting to do that again but I am lucky that I was found and that I’d taken an overdose and not another method that you just wouldn’t come back from.

Nothing you could ever do at work would be worth your life, you are your children’s world being a parent is the most important job in the not your office.

please get help phone the nhs mental health team or Samaritans straight away and get the help you need.

Look, unless your name is Adolf Hitler, suicide is hardly ever the answer.....and your situation is light years away from the tiny handful of scenarios where it's a good idea.

Your mind is injured, somehow, and as a result , even though it retained the ability to tell you how to forumulate, spell and post on MN and brush your teeth and take off your shoes, it's telling you some wrong information (that this plan might possibly be a good idea). How urgently would you seek medical attention if you had a broken leg? Well, this is more urgent, because it's life threatening. Get medical help as quick as you can.

Also, if you choose to stay alive, when your manager retires if somebody asks them when they're in the bar on their sun holiday to celebrate retirement "So what's the worst thing that ever happened at work then?" the wee bits of gossip/ some home truths about work culture will not make the top 50. Even if they believed that you had said all the things you didn't say, it still wouldn't make the top 50. It probably wouldn't occur to them at all. They'd have forgotten it.

OTOH, if you kill yourself, and somebody asks the same question of your boss propping up that beach bar 20 years' hence, they will say, "Well by far the worst ever was when somebody killed herself over something and nothing at work. Nobody saw it coming. She had young children. It was awful, just awful".

You are worthy. You are loved. You are needed.

Please let your doctor, your partner and close family know how you're really feeling. With help you can get through this.

You acted like a dick, gossiping, but its hardly the crime of the century. You got a dressing down and are now remorseful and embarrased but none of this will be remembered this time next year.
I think if you feel this much shame that you think you wont live it down even knowing they know, then id look into changing jobs and maybe doing something really good that helps you square it with yourself

You want the feelings to stop. They will. Feelings aren't facts. They can and will change. Hold on there now, you can work through it. Speak about how you feel to someone in real life, saying it out loud can help break the spell of negative thinking. You can do this.

If you ended your life over this work situation, your employed will have your role filled within a week. Your family will be destroyed forever.

I’m glad you’re talking to us, and I know all the responses must be overwhelming.

as a pp said, if your job was really bothered, they’ve have sacked you. They didn’t. If you’re not happy there or don’t feel comfortable get signed off for a bit and look for something else.

suicide is never the solution, there’s so many people out here that want to help. Think of your family, and think of yourself.

you don’t deserve to feel how you do over some
shitty person in work. You can do this OP, stay with us x

I’ve had intrusive thoughts before. They do go away. But at the time I never thought they would. I actually have OCD so can go over and over things in my head til it causes me pain. Medication from GP helped. I promise you you will feel better. You are not your job. It does not define you. Everyone makes mistakes & they don’t define who you are. You are a Mum, partner and friend and to be honest that’s all that matters. Please don’t do anything. Breathe. Talk to someone. This will pass.

Oh bless you @OhForFS . I’m touched you found my post helpful, and that in itself shows your feelings can shift slightly, which is something to hang on to.

I feel for you that you’ve been weathering depressive episodes all on your own for so long. That’s exhausting, and only sustainable for so long, as you’ve discovered. I too have found it almost impossible to ‘admit’ to my difficulties, and know how hard it will be to put your hand up and tell your DH etc. But I’m really glad you’re going to ring the GP in the morning. Remember to be totally frank - tell them you’ve made plans to end your life and you want help to be kept safe. If you don’t say that, you’ll not be triaged to be seen the same day.

It’s good you had an appt with an RMN, so you’re at least known to the CMHT. I urge you to ring them in the morning too, and they will prioritise you. It may be that they ask if you’d like the Crisis Team to visit, but don’t freak out about that (I did) - they’re lovely and their job is to ensure you’re safe and cared for.

As for your DC’s, there’s absolutely no way in the world anyone will bat an eyelid re: them. They have a dad in the household, and even if they didn’t (I’m a lone parent) they’re not in the business of upsetting and unsettling children, and will do whatever necessary to help you to help them. In my case, I was desperate for my DC’s not to be made aware (I’d been masking to protect them for years) so the crisis team were great about only contacting me when they were at school or at their dads.

So. Get some sleep or at least some rest (your mind will thank you). Get up and ring GP at 8am, request a same-day urgent appt. Ring mental health team (belt & braces) and be honest.

And keep talking on here if it’ll help.

Oh and one final instruction: put all thoughts of ending your life off until tomorrow. There will always be a tomorrow, and you can keep putting it off until then. Stay safe Xx 💐

I was bereaved by suicide 45 years ago. Please do not do this.
Stay with us, OP. We’re here for you.

I'm so so sorry you're feeling this way. There was a woman I used to read, back in the days of blogging, she was an extremely funny writer, but she also had these very powerful depressive-anxious episodes, and whenever she wrote about it she would start by saying 'depression lies.' I've held on to that more times than I can say.

Depression lies. It's lying to you right now. It's telling you a lot of things that are not true, including that depression is something to be ashamed of and to hide away. Fuck that! It thrives in darkness.

You can learn to be kinder to yourself. I did. As per PP's excellent advice, don't make any big decisions until tomorrow. And then call your GP, as you've suggested. Tell them truthfully how you feel. Show this thread if you want. They won't judge you. They definitely won't take your children. You should be able to get some immediate help and a plan for the longer term too. You don't have to live this way, and you don't have to fix it on your own. You deserve to feel better.

Will be thinking of you.