Struggling after making a mistake, having intrusive thoughts. Please advise. *MNHQ has altered title*

Please call the Samaritans right now

And if you feel you need to start looking for a new job for a fresh start

Please please don’t feel that this is worth ending your life over. I read recently that someone said killing yourself doesn’t end the pain. It just passes it to those you love. Your kids don’t deserve that.
shame is such a difficult emotion. But it will fade with time.
can you access some counselling?
if management didn’t think you were worth it, they would have sacked you. But they didn’t. They want you around.
I hope you find some peace.

Call a crisis helpline, 111, talk to your partner.

Nothing at work is worth considering ending your life for. You can leave a job and start fresh somewhere else.

It might be the answer for you but it will also be the end of your children and partner. They will NEVER get over it. A letter means absolutely zilch.

Everyone gossips. Everyone.

Change jobs. Become a different person.

Please speak to someone. Also ask yourself will this matter in 5/10/20 years time?

Call the Samaritans OP. These are big and scary feelings but there is help out there.

I am so sorry, you are in a mental health crisis. Please please phone Samaritans or 111. Phone a friend or run round to a neighbour and tell them what you have told us. Chat on here if it helps but please get someone asap 💕

Well think about this logically. It's just a job. If you really can't face everyone resign and get another one. I thought you were going to say one of your children had died (or similar).

Suicide is not the answer, especially for something like this. It’s a work place dispute, it WILL pass and people forget. It feels intense now but you could quit your job and this problem would stop, suicide ruins the lives of everyone who loves you. Phone the Samaritans now, and the GP in the morning and they can help. Be honest about how you are feeling and phone in sick to work until you are stronger. Better times will come.

Please call the Samaritans 116 123

They will listen.

Things may seem very bleak right now but they will get better. There is always another path through.

Get signed off with stress, speak to your GP or/ both call the Samaritans. Think of your children, the shame will pass. Nothing Is worth suicide. Please speak out, the pain from suicide just gets passed on to your loved ones. Think of all the mile stones you would miss. Please ask for help.

I know it doesn't feel like it now but in 30 years time will you even think of or give a shit about these people at work? Probably not.

And was there truth in what you were saying? It sounds like you wernt just being nasty and hitching about someone but you were instead raising points about the companies culture. Did you mean them at the time? Was there any merit in what you said? Just because you said them in confidence to someone doesn't mean they are not true or you should feel shame for saying them!

@OhForFS its a powerful emotion. But it will fade and pass like every other. You just have to hang on in there.

and as others say, maybe look for a new job? A fresh start. A beginning not an end.

Please call your local NHS mental health crisis team. You can find the number for your area here:
https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline

I have used them in the past and they were amazing. They can offer you immediate support (including face to face if you want - and will even come to your home if you want) and/or they can admit you and/or they can arrange counselling and support groups. They only deal with people in crisis which from what you've written, you most definitely are.

The Samaritans can help by listening but what you really need is the professionals to support you through this. They changed my life. I thought suicide was the only way out but I found another way back to the light. You can too @OhForFS but you need people to help you. People who won't judge you and will offer support unconditionally.

No job is worth this. And you are worth so much more. But I know how hard it is to see that when you're in such a dark place. Please call your local crisis line - or 111 - or you can even go to A&E and tell them that you don't think you can keep yourself safe. They will help you.

Suicide is not the answer. Fuck work. Your children need you. If you kill yourself, it will wreck their lives. They will forever think that if they had been a bit more loveable, a bit more important, a bit more what you needed, then you would have lived for them. Your job isn't really that important. Not compared to your kids. Live for them, and in time you'll be ready to live for yourself

Sounds a lot like RSD / Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, with criticism or confrontation definitely falling into the same category as rejection. OP have you ever considered you may have traits of ADHD or ASD? Obviously not attempting to diagnose you online but it sounds extremely similar to what ADHDers go through. If it really is RSD then the cause is neurological, related to dopamine receptors in the brain going haywire. To fix the intrusive thoughts you'll need to look into treatment for ADHD/ASD.

Try and put this in perspective: in 20 years from now this 'incident' will mean absolutely nothing and nobody will remember this. In 20 years time you will be seeing your grownup wonderful children that you nurtured and loved for 2 decades of joy (and hard work at times but nonetheless the most worthwhile experience).
Nothing in the world matters more to a mother than making memories with get children and watching them grow up.
Not exactly the same scenario but ..,
Many years ago, I made the mistake of making a throwaway comment at my place of work within a group of colleagues who I thought were real friends because we used to share a lot and socialise a fair bit. What I said was true and everyone was thinking the same but it was the opposite of the official company party line. This was a very large corporation. Next week I was called in a meeting with my manager for a proper grilling and setting out a plan so I don't think and express such views anymore - brainwashing and ticking boxes exercise.
I was unbelievably disappointed with the colleague who reported me and since then I never trusted anyone at work in the same way. Which made for an easy work life.
Look at this as a hard lesson to never 'chat' the same way at work because you never know who says what to whom.
You are feeling embarrassed and disappointed, which are normal reactions. But please don't make this an insurmountable step. You can move past it, keep your head down, get on with your job and avoid chatting the same way. Your job helps pay for raising your children. The children matter more than anything, the feeling of embarrassment will subside snd disappeared in time.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This feels horrendous now. I’m quite sure about that. But in time it will feel less horrendous. Your life matters much more than that job. Do whatever you need to to be able to bear the pain for now. Speak to someone who will listen and not judge. Plenty of good suggestions already. And lots of people around on here too, day and night. Thoughts.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem @OhForFS

You feel ashamed right now but the intensity of this feeling will pass. Please talk to someone in real life about this now - sharing your feelings with someone will help to put the situation into perspective.

You gossiped. Everyone does sometimes. You've not committed any crime or some terrible sin, you're just human.

Work isn’t worth this level of pain over. I’ve done many similar things in many jobs and cringe at it now but they’re just jobs. They’re not me. You can get past this and possibly even laugh about it in the future. I promise you. Get signed off, get a new job and don’t look back. Please don’t end your life over this.

Please phone 111 or (if in Scotland) breathing space.

As overwhelming as this situation is- people in work thinking you are a gossip if nowhere near as bad as leaving your children without a mother. Seek help. Practical advice- change jobs. But tonight, phone 111.

Honestly no one cares about work gossip as much as we think.
No-one will be judging you, I promise. People are far more wrapped up in their own lives.

I've fucked up at work. We all have. It feels awful at the time but It passes.

You sound like you need a bit of help. You've had good advice to contact Samaritans. Do that now. Have a brew and just get through the next hour.

Go gently on yourself and step away from the internet. You sound lovely and kind and I bet you're a lovely mummy. Please don't leave the world. We need people like you around.

Your kids need you and love you. You are their whole world at this age.

Hang in there. Take it hour by hour. Be kind to yourself and speak to Samaritans. And try your GP. Much love