desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

I had my own room when I was on an inpatient unit.

Actually I did find that being around other people who were ill like me, helped in a funny way?

There was a kind of understanding between the patients, at knowing the suffering we were each going through.

I made some friends on that ward, and one of them I am still in touch with now, nearly 3 years later.

So, no, it may not be as bad as you are imagining.

Sounds like you really had a breakthrough with your counsellor re. wanting that baby girl so that you could give her a better childhood than you had yourself. Maybe having a boy will actually release you from that pressure of having a "perfect" upbringing... you are right that little boy will love you and need you and be so so special to you. He is going to be a lucky boy to have a mum like you who cares so much and who clearly wants the best. When you are better, these horrible distorted thoughts will be gone and you will be able to see that clearly.

Hugs

Hello Lelarose

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so awful. I have only just read your thread but could not leave without just sharing my experiences and hoping that this helps you in some way.

I was v depressed antenatally; I became pregnant in the first week of trying and because I was so convinced that I would never conceive easily, if at all (family history) that I felt that there wasn't time to process the enormity of such a massive life change and becoming a mum in such a short time. It wasn't that a baby was unwanted - it was just such a massive change. I couldn't imagine myself as a mother, and from the instant bfp I was worried that I wouldn't love my baby or be a natural mother.

I have (fairly mild) bipolar which was diagnosed in pregnancy. As I was ttc I wasn't on any mood stabiliser out of choice (although certain ones can be taken in pregnancy) but I was taking zopiclone on a nightly basis just to sleep, although stopped when knew was pregnant.

The pregnancy hormones very quickly brought on mania for me - constant insomnia which I was not taking medication for. I felt like I was having a breakdown. I was signed off for 3 weeks at around 12 weeks pregnant and rescribed zopiclone which helped to finally get some sleep.

I was then put on an anti-psychotic which sedated me. Although this helped stabilise my depression just got worse and worse as the pregnancy progressed. My feelings of being a totally inadequate mum overwhelmed me and I couldn't stop thinking that I would not bond with the baby.

Part of the feelings of being unable to bond did stem from the feeling that my bump was a boy. I had a very strong feeling that it was a boy, but at heart I did probably want a little girl more - I was brought up in an all female house and felt that I didn't have anything to relate with boys. It is hard to admit this here as have never mentioned it to anyone else, and always used to say that it didn't matter to me, when it really did.

When my son was born (after a difficult birth) I didn't love him. He was taken to intensive care and I felt such guilt because he did not feel instantly mine. It felt like he was someone elses baby.

When we were discharged the depression got worse. It started off not too bad but every day was harder. I started reacting badly to the drugs I had been on as well. I could neither physically or mentally bring myself to hold him. I used to dread his cries of hunger as it would mean that I had to hold him close to breastfeed. I was almost catatonic with depression and the simplest things were impossible like self care such as washing and make up. I honestly couldn't see how to survive and would fantasise about no longer being alive as my son and husband would be so much better off without me. And I felt so worthless being such a bad mummy that I didn't love my baby.

Within 3 weeks of the birth I was admitted to a mother and baby unit. It was honestly the best thing to happen to me. It was a small, lovely quiet unit and a refuge from the outside world. The staff did not judge and very slowly helped build my confidence by helping me care for my son. It also helped to meet other women in there who were in the same situation as me. It was a relief to hear that they were also doubting that they loved or had bonded with their babies. I had panic attacks at the thought of going out on my own with my son but eventually I worked up the courage to do so building up slowly.

You may not immediately love or bond with your baby but I promise you will. In my case it was a slow burn and by the end of my stay in the unit, although I didn't love him, I was interested and fascinated by him. Love came quite soon after and now he is adored.

Sometimes I look back and wonder if it would have been difference if he was a girl not a boy, but I don't think it would have made a major difference at all. For whatever reasons the pregnancy predisposed me to depression either way.

Fwiw I would consider another child. And while it would be nice to have a girl it will not really bother me so much this time as I know how sweet it can be to be the mother of a boy, and how, now he is here it is all so different. And although his looks and personality are a mixture of me and my dh (although all his own) I can see a lot of myself in him which reminds me that we are not so different after all, opposite gender or not.

If you do need to go to a mother and baby unit it is not the end of the world but the beginning of recovery. I believe some units will take you in later pregnancy as well, and while I don't know your individual circumstances or your health trust's policies, you may find that it would help you and have a safe haven to recover for a few weeks. It may be a chance to gain confidence from caring for babies by seeing other mothers in close proximity and knowing that no mother of a newborn instantly knows what to do.

Please don't beat yourself up about taking medicinal drugs in pregnancy. For ethical reasons no drugs company on earth will knowingly run drugs trials on pregnant women and for this reason many drugs are contra indicated during pregnancy. My perinatal team were well informed about drugs in pregnancy so do ask them if you need more information to feel more confident.

Really hope you feel better soon - although it seems such a lonely place to be in you are not alone, and many women have felt as you do now - and come out the other side.

really hth

Wow fluffyguineapigs what an amazing post. I'm really touched that you would share all your experience with me like that and it does really help to read it. What a terrible time to go through and how amazing that you have recovered. Thank you also for your honesty about the gender thing, its this that I feel the worst about.

What I find most reassuring is when people who have suffered like this through pregnancy or post natally is when you say you would still consider having another child- that really does make me believe there is hope that you can get past this hell.

I also find it interesting that a lot of women who have been depressed in pregnancy were, like me, not sure if they could ever conceive. I think that if you dont believe you will ever get the chance to have children you tend to idealise the idea of pregnancy and motherhood so much, the reality can be such a shock. I never understood before how anyone could be down about any aspect of having a baby I was always so jealous of them. And look at me now eh.

Eventually this afternoon I heard from the psychiatrist. All he could suggest was another type of drug which makes me so scared to take. We had a long conversation where he assured me this drug has been around for 60 years and used to be prescribed for morning sickness. I know he is very well respected in his field this guy and considred the top authority in this area so I have to trust him that it wont damage the baby. I also have to accept that I can get nothing else resolved until I can sleep as I'm not capable of functioning, even feeding myself when I'm this exhausted. I asked him at what point he would say I should be hospitalised but he wouldnt really discuss it with me. If I dont get better I would consider a mother and baby unit before the birth, just not to be alone with this anymore.

Thanks to all of you for your continued support was just telling my sister (I'm home alone again now) how this does help me, just to know I'm not the only one.

Lelarose I've posted before to you about my baby's gender (wanted a boy, got a girl!).
My DD is now nearly 7 months old. I just want to tell you that a few weeks after my baby was born I was convinced that I would need to be hospitalised and was googling mother and baby units, and during the snow in January I was thinking of going out and lying down in the snow to die. It's terrible to remember those moments. But honestly I am SO much better now and I wish I could have believed it then. I suppose I must have clung on to the belief that I would be OK but I literally had to struggle to get through each minute. I kept thinking someone would give me the 'answer' but it was just a case of keeping on going.
Life is so much better now. I remember repeating to myself 'where there is life, there is hope'.

I'm not trying to advise you on what you should do - just to let you know how terrible I felt and how much better I am now, just months later, you will get there, you have lots of insight and you are a fighter!

Hi Lela,

Just saying hi, there is nothing to judge in you wanting a girl to mother the child in you that didn't get the mothering she needed. That's completely understandable. Hope you get some rest soon.

lela - here is something else to think about. I posted earlier about a C4 programme called "Help Me Love My Baby". the counsellor who worked on the programme was from the Anna Freid Centre, and they have a project which might be worth thinking about - link is here - "The Parent Infant Project at the Anna Freud Centre offers specialist and easily accessible help to families who might be struggling to find their feet in their relationship with their infant(s) aged 0-12 months."

Once again I notice you saying "it's killing me what this is doing to the baby" - your protective instinct is so fierce and strong. I think it's very interesting that you're now linking yoru desire for a daughter with your own upbringing. I agree with GetDown - perhaps having a boy will free you from trying to create some perfect mother-daughter scenario which just can't exist.

When I was pregnant with dd2, I was very stressed and worried all the way through the pregnancy - I promised that if she could just be ok, I'd never complain, I'd always be grateful, I'd never take her for granted. Well, I failed on all 3 counts more times than I can say. When she wouldn't sleep and I was at the end of my tether I yelled at her, and today she has been driving me bonkers by Never Shutting Up. I'm not the perfect mother I planned to be, but I'm really ok with that now, and so, I think, are my children!

ds looks like me - it's like looking into my own eyes when he gazes at me, and that sameness and otherness of him is fascinating and delightful. I think your son may allow you to forge a new relationship, untainted by the image of your own mother=daughter dynamic, or indeed the abusive men of your family - his Y chromosome comes from your kind, loving and gentle dp, after all.

We'll be away over the weekend, but will check back Sunday pm. Hang on in there, lela.

I haven't read all the replies, but have you tried Piriton? It is an antihistimine, and people who get hayfever use it quite a lot. I think you need a prescription for it, but my GP prescribed it for me when I became insomniac in early pregnancy. One side effect of the medication is drowsiness! I find I only take half a tablet, to help get me off to sleep (now that my baby is 5 months old and waking for feeding - have to be able to respond to that). I took this in pregnancy, even early pregnancy, and the baby was fine, no problems. My GP would not have prescribed anything dangerous, trust me.

Maybe you can see a different GP and ask for it? It's different when you go in armed with information.

And yyy to poppy - no-one is going to judge you, lela - your thoughts are probably not that unusual, tbh, it's just the fact that they are taking over your life that's the problem.

Am really glad this helped you Lelarose. I can empathise with how you are feeling right now and although things seem bleak right now they will get better.

I think you are right about the fact that antenatal depression can be partly induced by getting pregnant very quickly when you hold an often unreasonable belief that you will not become pregnant. Believing that you cannot conceive with no medical evidence to back it up is symptomatic maybe of something more - general low self esteem and lack of belief in your body - that of course it cannot do what comes naturally.

Don't be too worried about the drug your psychiatrist advised - I think I had the same drug too in early pregnancy (for morning sickness) I noticed that it was also a psychiatric drug at higher levels.

Gender preference is the thing that must not be named for pregnant mums. I have asked all my pregnant friends honestly what they would rather have and always get the same reply - that it doesn't matter. However once they have either found out the sex by scan or from birth they have always admitted relief that it was their preferred sex (but I just know that some are outwardly saying one thing but feeling another).

I think the gender preference is something that is important and something that you need to acknowledge and accept - even if just to yourself. I really didn't want anyone to tell me that my feelings were 'silly' or that I should be so glad to just be pregnant when so many people are unable to conceive.

It is an important feeling for you, however in all honesty this will assume far less importance after your son is born. You may still see girly baby clothes (because there always are twice as much baby girl clothes as boys) and have a pang - but in time you will be so consumed with love for your son that you wouldn't imagine any other way (and may fantisise about having another little boy!).

Yep, I am feeling soo broody right now - my friend has just had a baby boy and he is so deliciously gorgeous. Hsving had such severe ante and post natal depression really hasn't deterred me. Next time round I know that it won't happen as bad as before - I know what to expect from a baby - and have been so low and bounced back stronger than before that nothing now holds any fear. And I would definately take more time out to appreciate my pregnancy, to love my rounded pregnant body instead of hating its changes, to pamper myself more, and try bonding with the bump by stroking it and making small talk with it (which I was too self conscious to do). It would be nice too to have another boy...

Please take care of yourself and keep posting throughout this. And who knows, maybe this time next year you will be posting an update to this thread to say how well you are feeling and how much you love your gorgeous son

Thanks so much everyone. I just want you all to know that I very reluctantly took my new drugs tonight that I got prescribed this afternoon and for the first time literally in weeks I feel a bit calm right now. I'd completely forgotten what its like not to feel scared. I dont know if I will actually sleep and am kind of puting off going to bed for this reason but I dont feel terrified just for a little bit so thank god for pharmaceuticals I guess.

Habbibu- cheers for that, when you mentioned that documentary the other week I watched both episodes and I also actually called the centre. The woman called me back but wasnt able to suggest much as not in her area.

I also went for a reiki treatment this evening- how good was I for managing to get there- and actually laughed out loud for the first time in ages because the therapist said how are you, you look great. Unbelievable- just shows you cant judge by appearances as I've not slept since Tuesday and even as I sat in the waiting room I was thinking my life is no longer worth living.

I told this woman that I was so scared of having the baby and she said never underestimate the power of love. It is a force much greater than your fear can ever be. Really praying that this is the case.

Oh, lela. You are some woman. And the power of your love and protection for this baby just shines through your posts. You will get through this, and, knowing you can survive this, will be ever the stronger for it.

Good for you for taking the drugs. Maybe just tell yourself that you'll go for a liedown, listen to the radio, read a book, and just see what happens. I wish you a peaceful night.

oh thanks fluffy . I'm so frightened I dont love him that I get terrible horrors thinking about the birth and am also really freaked out when he moves inside me (never admitted this before). I am scared of the proper heavy pregnancy/kicking/moving bump stage I feel this is when I will no longer be abe to cope.

thats just what i will do habbibu. goodnight and thanks for everything xx

just checking in - lela, read back through your posts, which were all made since you knew your baby was a boy. Look at how many times you talk about protecting your baby, not wanting him to be hurt. The love is all there - very tangled up with fear at the moment, but the love will out.

Think about the baby's movements simply as a means of reassuring you that he is unharmed, that you are still keeping him well and protected.

hi there.

Wel the miracle is that i got about 7 hours sleep last night which is really unheard of for me.

I did lie in bed for ages feeling really panickey though when I woke up. I have terrible thoughts like I wish I wasnt pregnant anymore, I pray for the scan to made a mistake about the gender and dreadig the rest of my life with this child.

Yes I do want to protect the baby because he is a total innocent who never asked to be conceived and deserves the best like any child. I wouldnt see any child-yours or mine- hurt or damaged, but I feel no attachment to mine, and I feel horrible having him inside me.

Back to beating myself up about finding out the sex. Before I could look forward to having a baby, not just dread having a son. I torment myself with the thought that what you dont know can hurt you.

the fact you slept lela is a breakthrough. Hold on to that positive and forcibly put any negatives out of your mind.

I am so glad you took the drugs Lelarose and had some sleep as lack of sleep can impact on so much of what you are feeling now.

I understand that you still feel bad about the gender and that is understandable - in a way you have had a shock in that he wasn't your preconceived notion and you still need time to adjust.

It doesn't matter to your baby that you don't yet love him. He honestly doesn't know that or care - at the moment he is all comfy and cosy in you, enjoying constant nutrition from you, bathed in warmth from you and protected from the outside world - by you. You are meeting all his needs right now; you are his whole world, and that's all you need to do right now.

Later when he is born,it still does not matter if you do not not instantly fall in love with him. As long as you are meeting his basic needs ie feeding, changing when dirty, comforting when upset then that is enough. The love will come later.

Despite the way you feel, a sense that you are looking out for your baby shines through your posts - particularly your reluctance to put your baby at any risk by taking any medication - even at the selfless cost of your own health. That sounds like you will be a good mummy whatever you may fear.

What helped for me was to concentrate less on what sex my baby could be and just view him as a baby person and to not overthink the future.

Keep taking the meds and take care of yourself. Take things one day at a time. The birth and the newborn, toddler, etc stages are really quite far away at the moment and don't really need to be thought about yet. For me denial about the birth worked and I really did just shut that thought away. Even in the middle of my (rather long) labour it never occurred to me that I would have my baby that day. It was my way of coping and working through things.

Hope you get some peace today and another restful night tonight

fluffyguineapigs is absolutely right. Don't panic if you don't feel love straight away. The love really does come later. Now my DD is 2 it is just getting better and better and I wouldn't swap my life with anyone's. I would not have said that after she was born.

fluffy do you think then that I could have been right at all to find out the gender in advance of the birth in order to give myself time to adjust to it?

I was trying to do the right thing as I was so convinced it was a boy anyway and couldnt stand people constantly saying it was, but I'm now really tormented by this decision as it seems to have made a difficult pregnancy ten times worse.

I really need to come to terms with the decision i made to find out now rather than later.

Soooo glad you got some sleep lela that's fabulous. I think you were absolutely right to find out the sex, and very brave to do that when it frightened you so much. Look how far you've come since you found out, how much you've been able to open up to us, that you've spoken more to doctors and got some drugs that are helping. Even though it doesn't feel like it, you've come so so so far in such a short space of time. I'm so proud of you. You are amazing.
forget about loving the baby now, he's a bit of an abstract still in some ways. keep loving yourself and doing what you're doing and it will all slot into place bit by bit.
Keep climbing that hill lela, you're an inspiration!

I agree that you definitely did the right thing to find out the sex. You have the rest of the pregnancy to get used to the idea, and you are already on the road to getting better.

Hi Lela,

You were definitely right to find about the sex early, it seems like you are really working through some tough issues about your family, your childhood and yourself, and you are starting work on this now, despite how you feel, rather than once baby comes, when you are going to feel like you never get a minute to yourself for about 9 months (you will get a minute to yourself eventually by the way).

They are all right as well that it doesn't really matter right now whether you feel love for baby. They won't honestly know the difference to start with anyway so long as they are nourished, nappies changed, kept right temperature and so on.

I am so pleased you have been feeling calmer and you got some sleep. You have a huge amount to catch up on but every bit helps. Really proud of you for going for Reiki and laughing, if it is okay for a stranger to be proud of you. Keep it up and try not to despair if there is a setback, you have come miles already.

Hi Lelarose - sorry spent yesterday evening offline as had friends round for a bbq enjoying this lovely, lovely weather.

Every woman is different re the decision to find out the sex of their baby. Some women who may fear that they may struggle with bonding with their baby if it is a different sex than what they have imagined may find it easier to wait until birth and then deal with it then, and other women may find out precisely because they want to come to terms with it before the birth - personally I have known people who have done both and there are advantages either way.

In your set of circumstances though, I agree with Poppymouse, Getdown and takingtheplunge, that it was the right thing for you, even though it has caused you anguish. Sometimes the biggest fear is of the unknown, and when you know something for certain it gives you the ability to grieve for what is not, deal with it, and cope with it. You are already dealing with it (by buying boy baby clothes) and that is a big step and will give you a head start when he arrives.

And although, of course your bump is primarily a baby rather than just a boy or girl, it may actually help you bond with him later in your pregnancy if you can mentally address him by name, or as 'he'.

If I get pg again I would seriously consider finding out the sex because I feel that it would help me to bond quicker - or at least would def go for a 4d bonding scan as for me it would help just to see my unborn's chubby wubby face which would help me visualise this tiny person inside me iyswim. We didn't with my son as my husband was adamant that he wanted everything to be a suprise, but that didn't work out for me.

Hope you are feeling ok in this hot weather, let us know how you are feeling when you can

Thanks so much ladies. The decision I made is so hard for me to come to terms with it really helps to know you think I did the right thing (hope you are not just saying that haha- paranoid, me?)

You are all helping me immensely.

Well, I took some big steps this weekend. Yesterday after my first nights sleep in ages
Then I made myself presenetable- make up, nice clothes and eveything (!) and went to see a hypnotherapist who i had first seen in early pregnancy to help me deal with anxiety about the baby's health etc before my 12 week scan. Well, this person was more than happy to help me a couple of times in the past but I had not seen her recently due to financial reasons. Anyway I went back in an effort to try and help myself just any possible way I can, and I was pretty honest (bar the gender thing) about how I've been feeling so severely anxious/depressed and was honest when she asked about drs, said I'd seen a psychiatrist.

Suddenly everything changed in her attitude towards me. She announced that she did not feel qualified to help me (I just wanted some relaxation therapy) and that as I was seeing a psychiatrist it would not be appropriate for her to intervene. She said I had "proper psychiatric problems" and that she was out of her depth. She actually said "If you are asking me if you are just too far gone for me to help then the answer right now is yes".

Whilst I do not question this person's right to refuse to treat me, and I do respect if she feels this was the right decision for her ethically, I have to say that the whole thing really left me feeling pretty damn terrible. I felt totally exposed and humiliated- had tried to be honest and now wish I had never opened up to her. I dont care about not getting the treatment its just a horrible vulnerable feeling. What really got me was the way she went from being all warm and smiley and saying oh how are you, you look really great and stuff when I first came in, to basically treating me like a "psychiatric patient", ie you are different to me, you are a sick person, you cant make your own decisions so I have to do it for you etc. I know that makes me sound paranoid but it was just the total change in her manner when I said I'd seen a psychiatrist.

I came home, got very upset and then you know what- I got kind of angry. I thought , f* you lady, I am not just some helpless psychotic mess that you have to be afraid to treat like a "normal" human being, I am just someone who is really suffering and I can and I will get better whether someone like you is prepared to help me or not. I have no idea how I'm going to do this but you are not caving my head in again today.

So you know what I did, I dried my eyes, redid my makeup, and took myself into town (on my own on a very busy saturday) and spent the money I would have paid her with on new clothes for myself and the baby. I got throught the whole episode without having a panic attack and considering that on Friday I couldn't even make it round the corner alone I'm pretty damned proud of that.

Sorry for epic post, just wanted to share something semi positive for a change.