I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

rhk just wanted to say hi and see what you were up to today.

I'm sorry your daughter has hurt you, I know you are at a low ebb and things are difficult, but it's not OK for her to take out her anger on you in any way. You are not anybody's punch bag, even if it is understandable and you want to protect your daughter.

I would say mention it to the cpn on Monday because they should be able to advise you and offer you and your family help to get through this difficult time.

I hope you get a chance to relax today and enjoy the weather.

not done anything today, after speaking to cpn yesterday and telling her what had happened with my daughter, telling her that all 3 of them are grounded, she said that maybe I need to rethink the gounding, even for the weekend, she says my stress levels and anxieties are through the roof and if I have to keep them in all weekend it will make me feel worse.
So today they got out, I hid in my bedroom.
I feel so flat, all I have done is cry and hurt myself.

I dont know what I'm doing anymore, nothing feels real, nothing feels right.

rhks sorry that your cpn was as helpful and useful as always - undermining your parenting and no support for you

Please don't stop talking, come and tell me how bad you are feeling, don't hide xx

rhk do keep talking even if nothing feels real we are real and want to hear from you.
I think a lot of the people on here prove that it is possible to feel real again and to have a normal life (whatever normal is)
Even if the kids are out, you did make a good effort. Keep asking for help for your family you all deserve it!
Is it really difficult for you to go out?
I'm in Edinburgh, do you ever come here?

Hi rhksmum.

HM will do!

Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Keep talking, lots of people here who care about what's going on with you.

Hi rhk how are things going today? Have you spoken to anyone?

Haven't spoke to anyone
Sat here with the phone in my hand but I dont have any words, I dont know what to say, I feel like she has heard it all before from me

Arghhhhh I really hate myself for being like this, I know if I dont tell her she cant help, but when I do tell her she still cant help

rhks please please call cpn - tell her yes I've survived but only just, I need support and a review of my meds, my friends say so xx

rhk please phone her. You don't know what will happen if you phone, but if you don't you will wonder what would have happened.
It's always worth another try, it's a new day.

Pointless
So f*cking pointless
Yes I phoned
Yes I told her
Not much anyone can do for me
Continue seeing psychologist as shes the one that can help me more, meds aren't going to make that much of a difference,
No female psychiatrists in the team just now
she's going to speak to psychologist to see if she can think of anything that may help
But its just going to take time
I have soo much baggage to deal with, so much going on right now that medication may not help much.

When will I learn to keep my mouth shut, nothing good ever comes from talking

Do you have meds right now? If not, you might find they make a massive difference.

Which meds are they talking about giving you?

They don't sort your baggage but might just help you feel like you can cope with it. That's the difference they made to me, felt like I could keep my head above the water.

Yes I take meds just now, they haven't really helped for a while.
She says I've been on lots of meds but I dont get the same affect as others do on them.

She says if she had a magic wand she would make it all go away for me, but she cant, no one can really, no one can chase away my ghosts, no one can take away the guilt I feel for what I did

What an uphill battle for you. It is always worth trying new combinations of meds though, they might just need to hit on exactly the right one for you.

It seems to me that your psychologist is helping. Well, helping you help yourself. You're right that no-one can wave a magic wand. She can help you learn to cope though, to feel better.

Have you been taught any anxiety coping techniques? The hypnosis/relaxation can help to bring you down a couple of notches when it all feels too much. Have info if you want.

If you want to talk about anything else I'll be back v soon, DS awake.

You did the right thing in phoning , even if she wasn't a great help. I'm sorry that you feel that talking doesn't do any good. I think talking will help- but you're right- it will take time and needs to be the right people. Your say your psychologist seems more helpful, and have you tried to seek out some groups of survivors of child abuse, either online or not, that could be a real support for you with personal experience.

Guilt is the most wasteful of emotions for anyone. Even in situations where there is real blame, guilt really serves little purpose. Far more productive to make up for negative actions by doing some real positives. But in your case,rhksmum, it is others that did negative actions towards you. I know you feel differently but it really is not your guilt to feel. It was not your fault.

I would love to put my arms around you. Really feeling for you. Keep going xxx

rhk I'm sorry you feel it didn't go well, but I'm glad you phoned because it means you did something brave.
It's better to feel you did try everything than wonder about it, feel you were too afraid to try and then give yourself a hard time.
You did the right thing. Please be kind to yourself.
Perhaps the psychologist will think of something. How did you leave things with them.
I have a family member who has suffered through mental ill health and I know that CBT helped them. I'm not an expert, but I think it helps replace the negative thoughts with different and positive thoughts. Have you tried that with your psychologist at all?
I hope today goes better, will pop in later to see if you have been on.

Rowingboat CBT is as much use as a wet newspaper in this kind of cases (mine as well as rhks and many other abuse survivors). Unfortunately it is a matter of working through it and eventually coming out on the other side.

Thanks will I didn't realise. My family member was clinically depressed with no history of abuse.

Morning rhksmum. How was your night?

Hope you don't mind but I read your other thread about your daughter from a while back. I'm shocked that there isn't more help for you with this. Does she have a social worker or pyschologist? It's not fair to leave you to deal with this all by yourself, you need proper support.

Agree that guilt is so destructive. It's another stick to beat yourself with. I suppose, as Iwill says, you need to work through this and realise for yourself that none of this was your fault. You're on your way though, keep going rhksmum.

rhk how are you today?

I dont really know how I am today, feel really numb.

Cpn was in this morning, she said she could see I was really struggling, and asked what I thought they could do just now to help me by this.
She's going to try and speak to the psychiatrist I was under when I was in hospital a few years ago and see if he can think of anything that will be of use, she asked if I had ever used lithium? That maybe that would be an option to try. I dont know, will just have to wait and see what psychiatrist and psychologist says when she speaks to them.

Heard from lawyer today, court has appointed a Curator for the children, Sherif said what the children want will be took into account now. A new date has been set for end of June where the report will be shown to Sherif. That is if he pays his half of the Curators bill.

New appointment for my daughters operation has come through for next week, she says she doesnt want to go for it now, which I can understand after last time, but it has to be done, so I guess I'm in for a weekend from hell from her.

HM We do have social work involvement, my daughter did have a counsellor from Children 1st but she left and we are waiting to see if they get another one she will be seen. In some ways I feel I deserve what she does to me, its what I'm used to, but another part of me is jealous because I think if I'd behaved like she does when I was growing up maybe it wouldnt have been as bad for me, or lasted as long as it did.

Just waiting on psychologist phoning me and then I'm going back to bed for a wee while before the kids comein from school.

You don't deserve to be hurt by anyone, honestly you don't. Maybe it feels 'normal' to you to be mistreated. One day, when you feel better about yourself, you'll know this isn't true and you won't accept it from anyone.

I can see what you mean about why you would be jealous of how your daughter is, in that I get your logic. I don't agree that it's a good thing though. I would look at it more like this- she has more trust in you than you had in your parents and she expects you to stick around and love her no matter how badly she behaves. Of course she needs to know this but she also needs to know that it's not ok to hurt the people you love. I really hope that you both get the support you need with this. It must be so hard for all of you.

It's good news about your children having a Curator appointed and that her operation date has come through. She may well be feeling very anxious about it but I hope that doesn't translate into agression towards you.

Hope you get a decent rest in before the kids get home.

Psychologist phoned, spoke about court case, my daughter kicking off, about how I was feeling, just really danced about things.

Needed to tell her something but I couldn't get the words out, am gonna try write it out tonight and hand it her on Thursday but I'm not sure how she's gonna react, she cant hate me more than I hate myself for it but its still a scarey thought.

My ex phoned the kids tonight, asked my daughter why she hadnt asked him what he had been doing at the weekend and today? So she asked him, he said oh we had a BBQ and today I went to court. She asked why he had gone to court he said
"oh so we can spend some time together, there is someone going to come speak to you so make sure you tell them you want to see me" she just made aface.

I'm really struggling with all this, the thoughts are really bad tonight, cant get them to go away

The psychologist is NOT going to hate you.
Try to write it down, you can do it.
Seems like your daughter has a good grip on the situation ie is not likely to be easily swayed by your ex? How's their relationship usually?
Thinking of you.

Writing it all out sounds a good plan. She definitely won't hate you. She's a professional. I would imagine that as well as the sharing being acary, the writing down must be daunting too. Even so , I think it sounds a really positive thing to do, and a great way to get the ball rolling with your psychologist.

You can do this, rhksmum, you can write it down and hand it to her. She won't react at all, she will help you come to terms with this.

Can she help you with stopping the intrusive thoughts?

You sound so much stronger, I'm full of hope for you.

Good luck.