Oh rhks - I've been there. The voices - the one that was meekly positive and the menacing strong nasty voice that told me a was a worthless piece of sh*t and not worth being on the planet. The nasty one always won and wow, was that a viscous voice. They came and went for twenty years until I was just completely exhausted and so sick of them just wanted to enjoy life properly. I actually got quite angry with them and just wanted them gone. Two years of talking it took before they went away and I started to see the sunshine when I stepped outside, instead of feeling that people must be laughing at me or talking about me. I can't imagine how you cope while looking after three children and that in itself is an accomplishment rhks.
Things can change and do change. It's usually just tiny tiny changes little by little. Keep talking. Occasionally tell your voices to p*ss off and give you a break. Try and find one thing that you can smile about or one tiny thing that brings you happiness - a song, or a movie or try to remember some of the beautiful things. Write these down. And keep talking. When your kids push all the buttons, take three deep breaths before responding. Most likely they need all the love they can get right now, so maybe squeeze in a few more hugs than usual - hopefully they feel good to you. And keep talking. I know what it's like to not be able to leave the house. Try walking around the block once every day, even if just for 5 minutes. Then walk around two blocks for a few days. Don't set our to achieve anything practical, but just to breathe and if at all possible to relax - to look at flowers and trees and sky. It usually helps to calm the brain. Try to go to bed at the same time every night. .....and keep talking (or writing on mumsnet - even if it's repetitive - it just needs to all come out - all the whole truth, just keep going until you run out). When you walk into a room, practise just stopping for a second and thinking, I can go slowly and calmly, I don't have to rush this and I will do things at my pace.
Anyway, these are some of the things I used to do to pull myself back from the brink. And take a quiet moment each night to close your eyes and congratulate yourself on the those things you did well that day (no matter how tiny and don't let yourself stop until you do find something you did OK) and say you are going to try and love yourself more, because you've been treated pretty shittily so far, and you deserve love now. You do, you completely and absolutely deserve love. There is a great book by a woman called Christina Noble - an Irish woman who suffered terrible abuse, mother died, alcoholic father, ended up living on the street. It took quite some time but she gradually pulled together the pieces and moved on to a happier place.
Eight years ago I loved nothing about myself. Now, I know I am far from perfect but I love that I try, I love that I have a big heart and care (and you clearly care very much even if you don't feel you get it right). I love myself and love looking after myself. It's a really nice feeling and I wish I'd done it sooner. I wish I'd opened up more and told my past to bl*dy well pss off.
Don't worry that you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don't panic. Be really strict with yourself when the attacks come on - do the breathing - find a seat, get a glass of water etc, don't let it take over, take control. You have three children (lots of hard work done already) and grandchildren to look forward to. You'll never change what happened in your past, but you can choose to get it all out of your system, just keep talking until you are bored talking about it. There is nothing to be ashamed of - nothing at all. You didn't do anything wrong. You are someone trying to make a better life. You may not always succeed but you are trying.
Life is lived forwards, not backwards.
I hope something in there helps in some small way rhksmum.