Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 39 40

Original poster

I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

999 replies

rhksmum · 27/04/2010 13:43

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

OP posts:

willsurvivethis · 18/05/2010 17:15

She's still in one piece - had a message. She asks me to let you all know. She's just very tired and weary and is seeing doctor tomorrow.

Songbird · 18/05/2010 19:28

Thank goodness. I read an very inspiring OP earlier, thought of rhksmum straight away. Will link in a sec.

Songbird · 18/05/2010 19:29

hope this helps

winnybella · 18/05/2010 19:34

Thank God. Try to rest, if you can. Hope the meeting with the doc will be helpful.x

rowingboat · 18/05/2010 19:45

RHK thank you for sending the message. I had a sinking feeling when I saw all the messages and you hadn't been on.
Take care, a lot of people genuinely want to help.

lou4791 · 18/05/2010 20:37

Glad to hear you are seeing the doctor tomorrow.
The link from songbird seems really useful.
Thinking of you x

hairymelons · 18/05/2010 22:16

Been thinking of you rhksmum. Thought of you when I saw that other thread too, glad it's been linked.

Take care xx

Original poster

rhksmum · 19/05/2010 22:21

I want to start by saying I'm sorry for any upset or worry I have caused you all.

Things have been really bad to the point that Monday I walked out after being really triggered and having a really bad flashback caused by none other than Jeremy f*cking kyle.

By yesterday I was on a whole other planet, tried phoning my psychologist but there was a problem with their phones and then when I did get through I was put on hold for ages at which point I lost the plot and smashed the phone(not one of my better moments).

I didn't get to the Drs to day because the community paediatric(sp) nurse was coming out for the monitor they gave me for my daughter last night, I ended up at the dentist instead and now have a gum infection.

Kids have been fighting none stop, my oldest is grounded indefinately for his behaviour, the other 2 need their heads banging together.

I have my psychologist tomorrow and to be honest I dont know whats gonna happen, I dont feel anything anymore, I'm numb, but I know if I dont talk to her honestly she cant help. I did send her a letter at the weekend when I was feeling soo low so hopefully she will have got it and it will help me open up a bit.

I'm sorry again for the worry I caused

OP posts:

rowingboat · 19/05/2010 22:46

Rhk I'm glad you have posted and that you are going to see your psychologist tomorrow.
It must be so terrifying to think of taking the plunge and telling the psychologist about the things you have been hiding, but keeping it to yourself must be at least as terrifying.
I thought Songbird's link to the other thread was really interesting, it sounds as if talking did make a huge difference to those two women.
I hope it goes well tomorrow.
It's very sweet of you to apologise, but you really don't need to, we can see you had a lot on your mind and have had a lot to deal with the past couple of days.

lou4791 · 20/05/2010 08:35

You really have no need to apologise for anything,Rhks.
Good idea to write a letter to your psychologist. Hopefully it will be a good starting point for you. You're right, she will be able to help you far more effectively if you are completely honest with her.
Thinking of you. Keep going. xx

winnybella · 20/05/2010 08:58

Definitely, there's no need for apologies.
Hope psy will be helpful tomorrow, good on you for sending that letter.
Thinking of you.

rowingboat · 20/05/2010 12:46

Hope it is going OK with the psychologist today.

rowingboat · 20/05/2010 12:47

Also hope the children have stopped fighting for a little while.

hairymelons · 20/05/2010 21:10

No need to be sorry, you're not under any obligation to post. Lots of people here ready to listen if you want but you don't owe anyone anything.

Letter was a great idea. Hope it helped you today.

Original poster

rhksmum · 20/05/2010 21:17

I went, spoke a bit about whats gone on this week, she said she got her letter and did I want to talk about it?

I kind of danced about the subject, told her how I didn't feel safe, didnt trust my judgement at all, told her how my dad hurt my baby to make me do things, but couldnt tell her the worst bit.

Was supposed to be going to something in the school this afternoon but got to the gate and had to come home,
My youngest came in with a letter from head teacher saying how he is disrupting the class, has been moved to a table by himself because of it, when he was asked to wait a bit for some help as the teacher was helping someone else he rolled his eyes at her.
My daughter kicked off tonight and now I'm all bruises again, thought it was going soo well, she hasn't hit me since January, guess it was too good to be true.

So now all 3 of them are grounded...
I've really messed them up
I feel like I've gone full circle and am trying my hardest to stay safe but to be honest I dont know if I care anymore.
I dont know what to do anymore

OP posts:

willsurvivethis · 20/05/2010 21:23

Try to keep going - you've opened up a bit more again - you are so brave and your psychologist can see that too. She will be ready for you to tell her more when you are ready.

Wish I had any advice for you re the kids, but as mum of one single two year old I'm not well qualified. Am here to listen if you want to talk.

BTW don't read the thread I started about huge thing happening in counselling - think it may trigger you xx

rowingboat · 20/05/2010 22:46

rhk I'm glad to hear that you have made a good start with the psychologist. It sounds as if you have really taken your courage in your hands and gone for it.
I don't have a teenager, but I do sympathise, I was an awful teenager, but came out the other side and got on really well with my mum. The poor woman had to go through a lot though.
Can you phone your social worker about what has happened with the children at school and home? I am wondering if they can give the whole family more support, perhaps to act as advocates for you, to help with the school side of things and see if they can help with your daughter.
You have done so well, perhaps you can't see it today, but when you look back in a week or two you will see you have.
Keep going, you can get there.

hairymelons · 20/05/2010 23:19

Don't think that you've messed them up just because things are hard right now. What ages are they? I was also pretty badly behaved as a teenager but it was nothing to do with my mum, just the usual teenage stuff.

Sounds like you've made a big step foward with your psych. Hope that you can see this and be proud of yourself.

It might feel like 2 steps forward and one step back but you are still moving forward. You will get there.

Original poster

rhksmum · 21/05/2010 10:33

phoned cpn not doing good at all, just waiting for her to phone back My daughter left for school not speaking to me, laughed when i showed her the bruises and finger prints she left on me. This is too hard, I dont no what to do anymore

OP posts:

Original poster

rhksmum · 21/05/2010 10:33

OP posts:

hairymelons · 21/05/2010 10:55

Hope she calls you back soon.

Try not to let your daughter hurt your feelings too much. She probably doesn't realise what an impact she's having.

I think it's doubly hard for you because you blame yourself for everything that happens. But you can't take it all on at once, it's too much.

One step at a time. Concentrate on yourself for now. Maybe give your daughter some space, I would give up on her feeling sorry for your bruises. Believe me, one day she will feel very sorry, when she's older and realises how hard this is for you. For now, just try to get through each day.

This might not be the right thing for you but could you consider telling her that you know she's angry and upset and that you forgive her for acting the way she did? Her head will probably explode with shock but it might ease the atmosphere at home. Plus it's one less battle to fight.

Good luck for today.

Original poster

rhksmum · 21/05/2010 13:10

Thanks Hairymelons(dont think I will ever get used to writing that)

Cpn phoned back, told how I felt, about whats going on, the things I'm hearing, and seeing.
She says she realises I'm under alot of stress right now and what they could do to reduce it, but I dont know what they can do, I dont know what I can do.

I've to phone her back on Monday to let her know how things are, but Monday feels too far away, dont feel like I can make it to tomorrow, I know I have to, I dont have a choice but I dont want to

OP posts:

Songbird · 21/05/2010 14:03

rhk I hope this makes sense. Some of your posts have terrified me, but even if you can't see it yourself, the last few seem like they've been written by someone else.

You seem like you have a firmer grasp on things now, so I really hope you can continue on this upward trajectory. It doesn't matter if it's a gentle upward slope - softly softly catchy monkey and all that!

Did you look at that thread I linked to the other day - a really positive outcome from memoo opening up to her counsellor, it was really inspiring.

winnybella · 21/05/2010 15:11

Yes, I have the same impression as Songbird.
Keep on going.

Wrt your daughter. I don't know her story and what her problems are. Can I ask why is this happening? I'm sorry if I'll say something that perhaps is insensitive, but why is she allowed to give you bruises? Is she much stronger than you? I'm not giving my opinion on why she's doing that as I don't know her issues, but is there a way you can stop her, physically?

You do sound so much better.x

willsurvivethis · 21/05/2010 17:46

bump for cpanda

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 39 40