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Original poster

I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

999 replies

rhksmum · 27/04/2010 13:43

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

OP posts:
hairymelons · 02/09/2010 22:51

Just try to focus on Monday, see if a review of the medication will help.

Have you cut out other medication since starting the Lithium? That could affect how you feel.

You do seem a bit deflated today. Maybe it's the cold though. Is the anxiety any better?

Sorry you feel like crap. You aren't worthless, you're ill and tired. Hope you get some rest tonight.

Original poster
rhksmum · 02/09/2010 23:15

not cut out the other meds yet, but GP out me on propanolol 2 weeks ago and increased them last week as she said the headaches were more than likely tension headaches. They aren't so bad now but I feel like I'm rattleing the amount of pills I have in me.

Kids are going to their dads this weekend and I'm so scared, scared he wont bring them back, scared he will upset my daughter and when she comes back she kicks off.

I had it all planned that once the kids were away I was going to end it all, then the lawyer let me see the curators report and I know I cant leave them with him, but I dont know what to do now.
I hate him, but I hate myself for caring what happens to them.

OP posts:
hairymelons · 03/09/2010 07:53

I'm glad the kids are giving you a reason to keep going.

Original poster
rhksmum · 03/09/2010 08:53

I dont want them to though, I want to be able to be selfish for once, I want to be able to say fck it all I dont care and if thinking this makes me a btch then so be it.

I hate that it feels like my choices have been took away, I feel like I'm locked in a room now with no way out now :(

OP posts:
Ephiny · 03/09/2010 10:12

It doesn't make you a b*tch or selfish or anything like that, it's just that you've had to be so strong for such a long time, and you're tired. It's completely understandable to feel that way.

Your kids need their mum though, they always will, you know that.

Original poster
rhksmum · 03/09/2010 10:53

Am waiting for psychologist to phone me back, dont feel safe, cant get a grip, panicing

OP posts:
Ephiny · 03/09/2010 11:59

Are you OK? Did you get your call back?

Original poster
rhksmum · 03/09/2010 13:05

no, no ones called back, phoned the cpn too but shes in a meeting,

OP posts:
hairymelons · 03/09/2010 13:16

Call your psychologist again. Keep trying.

Anyone would be fed up of having to keep it together all the time. It's hard work. It's good that you're thinking of yourself a bit, you have a right to. NOT good what you're thinking of as a solution- I hope you can keep your kids in mind for now until the temptation has gone.

Ephiny · 03/09/2010 13:40

Yes keep trying and calling people until you get some help. I'm sure the CPN will be in touch as soon as she's able.

Original poster
rhksmum · 03/09/2010 13:58

No ones free, curator phoned she is gonna come to mine for when my ex comes for the kids.

I dont know what to do anymore, today I've gone from being angry, to being a sobing mess.
I thought I was by with letting him get to me, but I'm obviously not.

I should be loking forward to having a child free weekend, well apart fom my 16 yr old here, but I'm terrified, scared that I have nothing to stop me staying here, scared that I will be alone with my thoughts and fears.

OP posts:
Original poster
rhksmum · 03/09/2010 15:19

well I wont be doing that again
wont be phoning for help ever again, cpn gone home now, psychologist will be finished shortly
when am I gonna get it into my thick head that I am on my own, that all I get from them is lip service
well no more, I wont put myself through this anymore :(

OP posts:
Ephiny · 03/09/2010 15:39

oh rhksmum, I really thought they'd make you a priority when you were feeling so bad, you shouldn't have to cope with this alone. Can you call the Samaritans? Or NHS Direct might be able to help.

Original poster
rhksmum · 03/09/2010 19:05

Doesn't matter any more, psychologist did phone 5 minutes before the curator turned up, apologised for not phoning before hand, tried to tell her what had happened last night but there was no point, I couldn't really explain it well, all she could say was I wasn't to let my daughter go and to phone standby socialwork.

Curator was downstairs talking to the kids, spoke to her but still had to let the kids go.

I dont know what I've done, feel like I've just sent my kids into the lions den and there was not a damn thing I could do about it.

So now I'm sat here on my own, trying to keep safe and so far its not working

OP posts:
Keziahhopes · 03/09/2010 23:10

Hey, rhksmum, glad you did get a phonecall eventually ... it isn't that they not care but just that they do get busy - but it is hard not to take it personally. Do you have access to a crisis team that you could call ifyou struggle?

Have you got some nice things you can do, so that when your kids come home you will have a bit more energy to do things with them? Remember, the kids do need you and when they come back you can be there for them - and contact your psychologist for advice on Monday.

hairymelons · 04/09/2010 00:00

Oh no, can't believe they didn't call you back. You're not alone. How are you now?

hairymelons · 04/09/2010 00:06

Sorry, I missed your last post.

Anything you can plan for tomorrow to keep you occupied? Try to get out of the house if you can.

It's not your fault your kids had to go, you've done everything you could. They've seen what your ex is like but I suppose they still think they should see their father. Must be awful for you though. Will you get a phonecall over the weekend?

Original poster
rhksmum · 04/09/2010 14:14

This is horrible, I cant do it
The house is too quiet, outside is too noisy
I'm scared, voices are really loud, there's nothing to drown them out.

I just want it to stop, all of it,

OP posts:
madmouse · 04/09/2010 14:22

Hi RHKS remember what I said yo uare not alone. I'm thinking of you. Can you phone a local friend just for some distraction, ask if they can come have a coffee?

Original poster
rhksmum · 04/09/2010 14:34

The sad fact is there is no one, out of the 3 friends I have 1 is working, 1 isn't feeling well and the other is out with her partner.
God I'm such a sad pathetic b*tch, 3 rl friends, thats it.

OP posts:
Original poster
rhksmum · 05/09/2010 12:10

Having time to myself isnt a good idea, too many things to think about, worry about.
Haven't slept, feel sick, not an ill sick just a really nervous sick like something really bad is going to happen.

I'm really aggitated today, cant sit at peace, but am getting mad at myself for not being able to sit at peace, if that makes sense.

The kids are due back today at 5, but I've just been informed he is giving them their tea so guess they wont be back at 5, more like 9 as its a 4 hour drive.

I cant believe I'm still here, I hate him for being an arse, for making me have to stay to make sure the kids are ok, if he wasn't such an arse this would be so much easier.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 05/09/2010 18:57

Yes it's hard sometimes, isn't it, being around people is stressful and difficult, but being alone with your own thoughts not so good either :(

I'm guessing you'll have a house full of kids again soon though, if they're not back already. I think you've done really well to get through this weekend, I know it's been tough.

(btw, if only having 3 rl friends makes you sad and pathetic, there's a lot of us in the same boat, and worse, you know! Not always easy to maintain a social life and big circle of friends at all times in your life)

hairymelons · 05/09/2010 19:25

It's made even harder because you're stressed about them being at their dad's though- it's not like they're staying at a friend's and you can relax about it. The whole situation is stressful, I'm not surprised you're on pins. It might get a bit easier once they've been a few times.

Your kids would still need you even if he wasn't an arse by the way. They will always need you. Can you begin thinking about feeling better and not wanting to get out yet? Or does that still feel like an impossibility?

Original poster
rhksmum · 05/09/2010 22:38

Ephiny I'm sorry if I offended with what I said about being sad and pathetic because I only have 3 friends, I didn't mean to.
I just find it so hard when I see my friends and they have such a big network of friends and family, and I guess it hurts.

The kids came back at 5, he let them out the car and drove off, they still haven't had their birthday or christmas presents, he said before they went they would get thwmthis time, now hes saying next time, feels like hes using anything he can to get them to go.

HM feels like I will never get better, sometimes I think if I can get to when my youngest is 16 I can go, that I have done my bit and its time to leave this world, other times I think I cant wait that I need to go now.

I get tired of taking tablets just to keep breathing, I'm tired of breathing, I'm tired of talking, tired of thinking things will improve.

I have the psychiatrist in the morning and I dont want to go, feel like I'm wasteing his time, that I'm disapointing him because I still feel like crap.

OP posts:
hairymelons · 05/09/2010 23:06

Oh rhksmum Sad You do seem to feel so hopeless at the moment. Can you talk to your psychiatrist or psychologist about how you feel? Would it help if they laid out for you how they can can help?

There really is every chance for you, life has been so tough and you're only just beginning to get some decent support. I'm sorry you can't see it, that's the unfortunate nature of it.

You must be exhausted. Go and see your psychiatrist tomorrow- you're not disappointing him, it's his job to find a way to help you, let him.