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Original poster

I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

999 replies

rhksmum · 27/04/2010 13:43

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

OP posts:
hairymelons · 31/08/2010 10:40

Morning. How are you today?

Original poster
rhksmum · 31/08/2010 11:47

Not doing very good at all.

Saw lawyer yesterday about report from curator, it was in my favour, how he is a controling man, that if the kids weren't old enough to have an opinion then she would recommend no contact.
He really is a piece of work, he is buying equipment to record the phone conversations with the kids, he had planned on taking my daughter on holiday whether she wanted to go or not which was why I was given the letter to take with me on holiday.

He says he is going to contact his MP because me, curator and Sheriff are being racist towards him because he's English Hmm
She says in all her years as being a curator she has never come across someone as controling as him.

I phoned the CSA this morning so I know the shits gonna hit the fan with that, but I may as well get everything out the way at the same time.

Kids are supposed to be going to his this weekend but my daughter is saying she doesnt want to go, so god only knows what is gonna happen there.

I feel so bad, dont know what to do.
My mood is really low, spoke to cpn yesterday and today but coldnt get the words out, couldnt find the words to say how I was feeling, because if I'm honest I dont have any words left.

I've messed everything up,

OP posts:
Ephiny · 31/08/2010 13:26

He does sound like a piece of work, sorry you have to contend with someone like that.

Glad you have the curator etc on your side. You haven't messed up, you're not the one who's done anything wrong, it's your bullying ex who should be feeling ashamed of the way he's behaved towards you and the children, though knowing people like that, I doubt he is Hmm.

madmouse · 31/08/2010 14:09

RHKS why are you saying you've messed everything up - you need ot keep perspective. The curator saying no contact is a huge thing, they are normally to ruddy reluctant to say that as contact is usually seen as beneficial to kids. She's saying it's better for them not to see him. Your strength in standing up to him is making officialdom see what he is really like and acting accordingly! That's brilliant!

Original poster
rhksmum · 31/08/2010 14:59

sorry probably didn't explain it right, kids are still to see him as they have said thats what they want, curator said if they had been younger or saying they didnt want to see him then she would have made the decision and not allowed contact.

OP posts:
hairymelons · 31/08/2010 15:07

That's brilliant news about the report. He's obviously doing a good job of showing his true colours. Let him go to his MP, he won't get very far.

Can your daughter talk to the curator about how stringly she feels? It seems a bit pointless forcing her to go as it will be miserable for everybody.

Did your psychiatrist say how long it might take for the Lithium to start helping? If you are feeling so bad, is it worth getting an appointment sooner to review it?

You should be so proud, despite everything you have to contend with you're still taking care of your family and protecting your children from your ex.

hairymelons · 31/08/2010 15:07

stringly = strongly

Original poster
rhksmum · 31/08/2010 15:25

I know I should be jumping for joy that someone has finally seen him for what he is, but I'm not, my children have been put through hell the past few months because of him and his stunts. I've been pushed to the point of no return and I'm not sure how or if I can get back from there.

I honestly dont think anything will change, he will still push his luck, still do what he wants.

We have to go back to court in November and also in December for a child welfare hearing.
It's never going to go away, he'll never go away.

Have psychiatrist on Monday to review my Lithium. My GP said on Friday that the levels in my blood are still really low so there is room to increase them.

OP posts:
Gonesouth · 31/08/2010 15:29

I've been following your thread and wanted to say how much I wish eveyone's support for you here could somehow be made tangible and not just be words on a page. We are all real and just want you to come out the other side of this.

What you have been talking about all along is now being properly recognised by others and take some strength from the fact that they believe you and want to make things better for you. I understand that it will be hard to see that when you are feeling so bad, but there is more than a glimmer of hope for you now. I can see that from what you are writing following your meeting with the Curator.

Hang on in there, your quest for a better life for your DCs is starting to become a reality and you should be proud that you have brought it to this stage.

Your Ex will become more and more ridiculous as he becomes more desperate, but that is because he is in the wrong and there is nothing more compelling than the truth, that is what will get you to the other end of this nightmare.

Stay strong, you are being a great Mum, don't forget that.

hairymelons · 31/08/2010 15:39

No it's been a horrible few months for you all so I'm not surprised you don't feel like celebrating.

Credit where credit is due however. Your children will benefit in the long run because of how hard you fight to keep it all together for them. So just allow yourself a little bit of pride in what you've achieved.

Glad you're seeing pyschiatrist soon- the sooner they get your meds right the better.

madmouse · 31/08/2010 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madmouse · 31/08/2010 16:32

Thanks MN or withdrawing that so quickly

RHKS I mentioned your dd's name so glad it's gone

I understood what you meant that the curator can't decide now, but it still means he hasn't been able to charm her and if dd really doesn't want to go see her dad no one will make her.

You have both been very strong dealing with this.

Original poster
rhksmum · 31/08/2010 17:31

I guess
I just feel so deflated now, now that this is nearly over, or at least I hope it is I now have to think about me, I dont have it to hide behind, I cant use it as a distraction, I have to think about me and I cant do that.
It's too scarey :(

OP posts:
madmouse · 31/08/2010 17:36

Takes a strong woman to make that admission!! it is logical to feel that way, it honestly is
and you are not alone - here to support you anytime. Things can get better for you like they have for me!

Original poster
rhksmum · 31/08/2010 18:02

No it takes a really stupid and weak person to admit and that would be me :(

I'm so pathetic, I hide behind everything I can so that I dont have to say whats really going on in my head.

OP posts:
madmouse · 31/08/2010 18:23

RHKS no f way!!!!

Weak people lie to themselves. It takes guts to be that honest with yourself xx

Original poster
rhksmum · 31/08/2010 19:56

Well I definately fall into that catogory then, I lie to myself all the time, thinking that things will change, that I wont be my childrens punchbag, that the next time my ex phones I wont fall apart, wont take his shite, but everytime I do, everytime I cave in.

What is the point?
I'm sorry, I'm just having a wobble, feel like there is a racing track in my head and everything is going round it fast

OP posts:
madmouse · 31/08/2010 20:04

yes and you are turning everything I say around to make it reflect badly on you - that's naughty and unfair!!

Original poster
rhksmum · 31/08/2010 20:08

Sorry

OP posts:
madmouse · 31/08/2010 20:14

You should be apologising to yourself not to me hun - it's not me you are being unfair to!!

piprabbit · 31/08/2010 22:38

Hi rhksmum - you don't strike me as being someone who caves in easily. You've been fighting hard. You've been focusing on the things you want/need to achieve to move the situation forward for yourself and your children - and kept that focus even when things have been terribly hard and painful. I think you are a bit of a closet tiger when it comes to sticking to your guns.

Original poster
rhksmum · 02/09/2010 08:49

I feel so sick this morning, really bad nightmares through the night and now I have the cold.
Have to getmy bloods done again today, not going to be easy as I cant bare to be touched at all today, then going to see psychologist which I'm hoping is canceled as I cant face her, cant face anyone today:(

OP posts:
piprabbit · 02/09/2010 14:42

Hello, sorry to hear you are feeling ill and exhausted. I hope you manage to go ahead with the bloods and with seeing your psychologist, it is so important your meds are helping you get through this.

hairymelons · 02/09/2010 20:15

Sorry you're not feeling well. Did you get to your appointment today?

Original poster
rhksmum · 02/09/2010 21:28

Yes I got there, not a great session, really hard.

Feel like crap, feel so worthless.
Am really questioning what the point is?
Or if there really is a point:(

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