I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

Very pleased that you can talk to the cpn tomorrow, knowing that she has already put aside the time especially for you.

How's it going rhksmum? Been away for a few days, just wondering how you're getting on.

It's all going so wrong, not sure what to do anymore.

I'm so f*cking stupid, so pathetic,

Another argumet with my 'friend' about the wedding, how I'm a selfish bitch for putting myself first.

My arm is really sore, cant even get that right.
I've had it with this life :(

Oh FFS RHKS I don't even know your friend but I feel a lot like sorting her out - what IS she thinking!

You been cutting and hurt yourself in the process? You know you can always come talk to me don't you. And I don't judge you, just want to be there for you.

Shes only telling the truth, I should stop being selfish and put an end to this crappy life :(

My arms a mess and I know when I go to get my blood took tomorrow I'm going to get a row off the nurse.

I'm sorry :(

Your friend clearly has no understanding of what you're going through right now. I'm not saying she's a bad person, just that she doesn't have the capacity to understand or support you. Keep your distance a bit if you can, hearing that you're selfish is the last thing you need right now. And it's NOT true.

I'm sorry you've hurt yourself. Don't you be sorry though. Do you see your psychologist tomorrow?

Yes have psychologist tomorrow

I have nothing left, no voice, big fat 0.

How was your session today?

It was horrible
I cant stop crying
Feel sick at the things I told her, things I did.
Am disgusted with myself
So ashamed
I'm sorry, dont feel safe

You talked, wow that's amazing - you are not disgusting and you don't have to be ashamed about anything xxxx

That was really brave :) You've done an amazing thing.

You're bound to feel all churned up now, try to be kind to yourself this evening.

Good for you for talking about things, sorry to hear it brought up a lot of unpleasant feelings - but that is normal, and it will pass, that doesn't make it feel any better now though I know :(

Are you ok?

No
Cant do this, it's all too hard.
Cant get clean, cant stop being sick.
I dont know what to do anymore:(

I'm sorry, I'm a mess

Thinking of you today xx

Waiting for cpn to phone me back, going to get her to take the kids, they deserve so much more than I can give them.
I've messed everything up and its better for everyone that I'm not in there lives anymore

rhksmum I dont usually post on your thread but i do read it everyday to see how you are getting on .Please dont think your children will be better off without you.Dont give up on everything that you have been trying to put right for all this time.I wish you luck

Another one that reads rhks, and feel so sad for you but also strongly that you are precious and worthy of all the help you need and deserve to try and put your life into a better place.

Don't give up.. xx

Give yourself a chance rhksmum, you've had a really hard week Remember you've just changed your meds on top of everything so that's going to affect how you feel.

Have you spoken to your CPN? Hope she's helping. It must be so hard but please try to keep going, you've come so far.

So what happened with CPN? I hazard a guess that she hasn't taken the kids. RHKS hang in thee, it will get better - give the lithium a chance

It's too late,
CPN wants to speak to Child Protection, says shes worried about my youngest, he's witnessing his sister hurt me, his older brother hurt me and verbally abuse me.
She thinks the kids need to be on the Child Protection register. Once they are on that my ex has plenty of amunition to take them, so guess in a round about way I've got what I want, no kids=no life.

no

Or maybe now that you're at crisis point, your family will finally get the support you all need to get through this.

You aren't hurting your children so no-one is going to take them away. And your absentee ex, unless I'm mistaken, has a huge part to play in the upset you've all suffered so no, I don't think he has ammunition. Plenty to be sorry about but no right to point the finger at you.

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Listen to madmouse- hang in there, give the Lithium a chance and try not to panic about the CPR. Thinking of you.

Thinking of you today rhks, you have been very brave this week. I'm sorry it all seems so difficult at the moment.

Just checking in, hope you're ok.