I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

Hey, it is not your fault your Gran is like this. That is a lie, not truth. (I too was blamed for something like this, because the other person found it easier to do this than accept the sad situation the person was in)

You are worth it. Sometimes feelings are negative, but that doesn't mean you aren't special and worth lots... it takes time for us to value ourselves. x

I read through again recently too. I'm not saying things are really any easier for you now, if anything your situation has got more difficult, but you do seem like a different person. More coherent and stronger.

You really aren't a burden, you know.

Need to go get washed and dressed but I cant, have to go to appointment but dont want to.
Not stopped being sick since last night, headache is really bad, cant think straight, cant breath, cant do anything.
World war 4000000000000 broke out again this morning.

Have had enough, no more, want to lock myself away from the world :(

rkhs sorry I'm seeing this late - hope you have managed to go and see her adn that she has taken on board what you said on the phone about the clockwatching etc.

Mornings are hell in most houses. What exactly is going on? Is it rows about the bathroom/ breakfast/ getting up on time?

I'm asking because maybe there are a couple of practical things you can do to make mornings a bit easier for everyone. You're feeling ill and knackered and stressed and when you're all shouting at each other it's awful. It used to be like that every morning in my house, I dreaded getting up.

Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to talk to the kids about how you're feeling. They don't need the details, you could just say, 'I'm not very well at the moment. I have a good doctor who is taking care of me and I will be feeling much better soon. In the meantime, please could you help by doing A/ B/ C the night before school, getting up on time, not shouting at each other etc.? ' Then come up with a treat/ extra cash for each of them if they can manage to co-operate for the rest of the week. I know it's out and out bribery but whatever it takes to get through...

Can they take on an extra job around the house each to help out? My sister used to lay the table for breakfast the night before for 20p a day- I was so jealous when she got her extra quid on Saturdays!

I hope you made it today too.

Rows are about anything and everything.
I set their uniforms out the night before, they are supposed to sort their bags out themselves the night before but more often than not they dont.
I have offered them extra money for doing jobs around the house, they have already been told that they need to do 5 jobs before they get their pocket money, if they do that then for every other job they do they get 50p, doesn't change anything.

Time to face facts, I'm a screw up as a mum.
I dont know what to do anymore or how to do this.
Saw psychologist this morning and she was soo nice but I just wanted to scream at her to shut up, to stop being nice, we went through the letter I wrote her last week which was hard, she wants to continue going through it next week, wanted to tell her it was a waste of time because I dont think I will be here next week.

I cant deal with much more, am losing my mind, I've to start the lithium tonight bt I'm scared to, scared that I will wake up tomorrow morning, scared that it will work, but scared that it wont work.

My head right now is soo messed up it doesn't know whats going on, haven't stopped crying all day, my friend has been texting me all day about the weeding and dresses, I want her to shut up, I want everyone to shut up, I want them to leave me alone so I can go do what needs to be done,
I want out, I want and need it all to stop, its all going to fast, everything feels like its smoothering me, cant breath, cant stop being sick, cant feel my legs, cant feel anything, cant do this any of it.

Morning. Sorry you were feeling so awful last night. Did you manage to sleep?

Didn't sleep, spent the morning on phone to cpn, went to see GP and she has put me on Propranol(sp) and refered me to the headache clinic.
Told me I've to phone NHS24 over the weekend if things get like they did last night.

Tried to tell my friend today how I was feeling but ended up her having a go at me for the way my kids are, how I should put my 16 year old out the house, how I'm basically a crap mum.

Spoke again to the cpn when I came back from the GP and she was lovely, she listened, didn't judge, didn't make me feel bad for bothering her, says she understands that things are tough just now and she's not going anywhere.

Got a letter from my lawyer today saying the curators report is in so I've to go and see her a week on monday.

Dont know what to do anymore, feel so lonely, so scared

You're doing great, you've sorted loads out today. Really glad the cpn was helpful too.

Your friend doesn't sound like she understands your situation very well and is being a bit judgemental. Does she have teenagers herself?

Sorry you're feeling lonely and scared You're not alone though. Keep leaning on us and your cpn/ psychologist/ psychiatrist. You are only just starting to get anything like the support you need and deserve, so please keep going, you'll get there.

Have a look back at that post by venetianred if you can't believe that things will get better. I look at it sometimes for a bit of inspiration.

I wish I felt great, sat in in tears again, no sleep, head still sore.
I dont know what to do, cant keep going like this, am a wreck, a mess.

My friend has 2 kids, 11 and 9 and they are far from perfect, but she cant see that.
I really hope that she never has to go through this because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I really wish I could believe it will get better, but right now all I see is dark, cant even catch a glimmer of light anywhere, oh well if this is the way its meant to be then soo be it, its no more than I deserve :(

Oh no I hoped after you signed off last night that you would have gotten some sleep

Yes yes yes you do deserve better than how you are feeling now!

Speak later xx

It will get better.

Can you sleep this afternoon?

I wish I could believe it will get better, feel like this is how its going to be for ever :(

Went for lunch with my friend this afternoon,(not brideziller) and it was ok, difficult but I managed to stay.
Brideziller phoned and is now in the huff because I told her she would probably be better find another bridesmaid and lower girl as I didn't think I could do it. Shes not happy but I cant afford £165 for a hotel room the night before her wedding plus pay for mine and my daughters hair and makeup and there is no way I can get me and my daughter to the hairdressers and get makeup done, get my sons ready in the space of an hour before the minibus comes to take us to the registry office, which is 2 hours away and I'm not stressing myself about it, things are difficult enough for me without having this on my mind, she just said we will discuss it later

Think my phone will be getting turned off tonight.

rhksmum - I think you've been very wise choosing to opt out of the whole wedding hoohah. There's no point taking on more stress than you absolutely have to.

Stick to your guns if your friend wants to talk more. At the moment, I personally feel that you are the one needing extra support and understanding and it seems like she can't/won't look past her own needs at the moment.

Glad lunch out was OK.

Yes, good call on the wedding. You need to take care of yourself for a while.

It's great you managed to stay out for lunch too. I'm really pleased for you.

It WILL get better. You don't have to believe it for it to become true, just keep repeating it to yourself.

ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHH
So stupid, so fcking stupid
Why did I think this would be any different
Face facts RHK your a screw up
No doesn't mean No it means do what you like, I dont count, my feelings dont count.
I've had it with this stupid fcking world and it's stupid things and everything else thats stupid in it, no point, no point in breathing, no point in being here, no point in anything

What's happened? Anything to do with the Bridezilla?

RHKS what is wrong what happened - come talk to me xxx

She's not helping, told me I have pissed her off totally today,
Do I care?
Well the answer should be no I dont but I do care, I hate being made to feel like this.

Too many flashbacks today, images in my head, the we person thatlives in there is having a field day today with all the thoughts that are going round it.

I just want to be left alone,
To be able to hide from all the bad things that are going on, feel like there is a horror film playing in my head and I cant stop it, just want it to stop, need it to stop.

Chopping the veg for kids dinner tonight and the knife looked so welcoming, just wanted to cut myself, but the kids are here and I couldn't. Worked out there was 16 hours until the kids went to school and I could do what I wanted :(

Does your bridezilla 'friend' know what a difficult time you're having at the moment? If so she's being completely unreasonable to give you more stress about this, the last thing you need is another difficult person to deal with! You have to put yourself and your family first, your feelings and needs do count, and she will just have to accept that.

Please try not to hurt yourself, I understand the urge to do that, and the short-term effectiveness of it, I really do, but if there's any other way you can cope with the feelings...try to be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, you deserve that. If you feel you need to cut yourself, is there anyone you can call in RL to talk to?

You've been very brave over the last few days, faced some difficult situations head-on and dealt with them effectively even though it might have been a battle to be able to. Try giving yourself a wee bit of credit for doing that, and don't let other people unknowingly drag you down again.

Please try not to hurt yourself, try and resist that temptation and find ways of being kind and gentle to yourself.

Is there anyone you can talk to tomorrow? Sounds like the CPN was pretty supportive on Friday?

My friend knows how I'm feeling, she's just not hearing what I'm saying.

Cpn has put by a bit of time in the mrning r me to phone her if I need to talk, she said if I feel talking is helping me then she will be there to listen, just feel like such a burden, that by me taking up her time or anyone elses I'm taking it away from someone that really needs it :(

I hate to break it to you rhks but YOU really need it....x

I dont see it :(

I do - I think you are probably one of the 5 most poorly people she looks after.

I am so glad she's finaly supporting you - make the most of it