I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

Heads still pounding, paracetemol, bruffen and tramadol and it's still there.

Meeting went ok I think, not that I know what goes on in there, she asked how I was when the kids came out, I just kind of nodded and kept my head down.

I'm trying my hardest not to think the worst of the psychologist, deep down I know she's not doing this on purpose, but it doesn't help how I'm feeling, or stop the thoughts that are running wild in my head.

My oldest is away for a few days with his friend and their family so it's quite quiet in here.

Got the Cpn in the morning and then we are supposed to be going out for the day with my friend and her family, but I really don't want to, want to stay and hide from the world, to shut the noises out.

Well done for fighting those thoughts, it's not easy.

Do warm or cold flannels help with your headache? I like cold over my eyes with pregnancy headaches. Also, drink some water. You might not be getting enough with all that's going on and dehydration headaches are evil.

Glad you've got a couple of quiet days. Are off out shopping tomorrow?

Spoke to Cpn this morning about the headaches and she thinks they are because my stress levels are so high.
She gave me the info on Lithium and said to read through it, ultimately the decision is mine, if I feel the side affects are too bad or I feel like they aren't for me I can say no.

She is also going to write to social work and ask for a worker to be allocated as we are all really struggling.

No didn't go shopping, we went to a theme park, not one of my better days, friend and he partner fell out, she stormed off, left us there, then came back, rest of afternoon was spent waiting for it all to kick off again.

Curator phoned and left a message to see if I was ok.

Supposed to be going shopping tomorrow to Glasgow so the kids can buy me my birthday present but will see how I'm feeling in the morning.

About the headaches, I just wanted to mention a problem I had myself a while back which is 'rebound headaches' or medication-overuse headaches which is caused by excessive long-term use of painkillers. I was taking a lot of paracetemol/ibuprofen/co-codamol for my frequent headaches, and it got so that the tablets were actually causing more headaches themselves, so I was increasingly in pain all the time, leading to me taking more tablets which didn't work etc etc.

I know it probably seems a small thing compared to all the other troubles you have to deal with at the moment, and don't mean to be patronising, it just jumped out at me after my own experience (and knowing how hard it is to cope with other stuff and people when you're in pain yourself), so I just wanted to say be careful with the tablets. Maybe mention to your GP how many headaches your getting and how much you're using painkillers - you are worth taking care of.

I'm sorry to hear about all you've been through, and still going through, you sound like a very strong and brave person, reading this I was struck by how you seem like a little island of light and kindness among all the chaos and violence you've experienced. Please keep getting all the help and support you can, you do deserve it!

Sounds like a useful session with the CPN. Excellent news about the social worker, it's about time you got some support as a family. Fingers crossed you get a good 'un. How do you feel about the lithium?

Will you call the curator back? It's good she noticed you're not feeling great. She might be another good source of support.

And happy birthday! I'm August too, it's a great month :) Hope you feel up to going out today, you deserve a treat. Is it just you and the kids today? You could do without your mate's drama ATM. Have a lovely day whatever you do :)

Ephiny
I never thought of that, you could have a point. I had seen my GP a while ago about the headaches because I thought it maybe due to my HRT patches not being strong enough but the blood tests came back normal so she just put it down to stress.

HM
My CPN was really good on yeasterday, really surprised me. I'm not sure about the Lithium, I know I need to try it, but part of me is scared.

I didn't call the curator back was too scared if I'm honest, she is there for the kids and I worry if I said how I was feeling she may say that the kids shouldn't be with me.

We did go shopping, kids got what they wanted to get me so I will have something to open tomorrow. Birthdays are always a difficult time for me, too many bad things happened and its hard to not remember.
Am supposed to be going out tomorrow night but not sure I can, haven't been out for my birthday since something bad happened 7 yrs ago and I'm terrified, also 2 of my friends that are supposed to be going dont like each other so chances are there will be fireworks :(

glad the cpn did not live up to her nick name for once

are you worried about the side effects of lithium or the risk of overdosing killing you?

I can imagine birthdays must be hard - all you can do is do your best to stay in the present as much as you can.

Am a bit annoyed at your friends not being able to behave themselves for you for one evening. You should tell them to keep their tongues in tight just for one evening...

Too right, madmouse- it's your birthday so they really should be keeping a lid on it for once. Can you tell them no drama please? Or can another friend have a word? You really don't need it, especially if this is your first birthday night out in 7 years!

I understand why you're worried about saying too much to the curator but she sounds nice and genuinely concerned. Was just thinking it may be another good source of support for you as a family but if you're not comfortable talking to her, fair enough.

What's scaring you re the lithium?

Happy Birthday to you!

Hope you have a lovely day :)

Happy Birthday!

I've already said it on fb hun but just for the record: Happy Birthday xx

Thanks for the birthday wishes xx

I did go out.

Not sure where I go from here but I feel like cr@p.

I canr do birthdays, maybe I should do everyone a favour and not be here

What did you do in the end?

I think birthdays are hard, it's a lot of pressure to be happy.

I went to my friends for a bit and then we went out.
A few things happened that triggered me really bad but thats it now for another year thank god.

Got psychiatrist in the morning, have to make my decision as to whether or not to start on the Lithium.
Dont know what to do for the best.

What are you not sure about? Do you feel like you've had enough information about it? I'm sure they can give you more time if you're undecided.

Glad you went out despite it being difficult, that's another achievement. Did the kids get you something nice?

I dont know what it is I'm not sure about, I'm scared that it wont work, scared that of having to reduce my other meds and the side effects of them, I know I feel bad now but it's going to get a lot worse before it may get better.
If I start on the Lithium I have to have weekly blood tests for the first few months, then monthly blood test, then every 2-3 months after that, I hate needles.

I know I cant continue to feel like this, the kids are struggling with me big time and they dont deserve to grow up like this.

The kids got me jewelery and a Lolita wine glass.
Never got anything off my family, not that I expected anyrhing, but it just made me realise that I dont mean anything to them, that I am on my own now and that hurts:(

Sounds nice from the kids. Your family not so nice- that must really hurt .

It would be disappointing if the Lithium didn't help. It's not a last ditch attempt though, it's just another course of treatment that may well help you. There are no guarantees with any of the things you do, you have to just keep trying stuff until you land on whatever works for you. Worth a shot though?

Good luck for today whatever you decide.

Sounds nice from the kids. Your family not so nice- that must really hurt .

It would be disappointing if the Lithium didn't help. It's not a last ditch attempt though, it's just another course of treatment that may well help you. There are no guarantees with any of the things you do, you have to just keep trying stuff until you land on whatever works for you. Worth a shot though?

Good luck for today whatever you decide.

Decisions made, I'm going to try it, will start it on Wednesday if my prescription is ready.

He was really nice about it, listened to me while I told him my fear of saying how bad I felt, that I worried if I told them they would take my kids or lock me up. I told him if my kids were took off me then I would end it all now as there is no point me being here. He said that he understood and that I had been feeling really bad for ages. I can try it for a few months and if it doesn't help he will take me of it, if it does then he will look at reducing some of my other meds.

Gota card through the post today from my Gran, although it was my uncles writing, was a big surprise until read the note inside telling me they had had to put my gran in a home and if I was any kind of grandaughter I would stop being selfish and go and see her, after all I am to blame :(
I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

Managed to get my daughter an appointment with the GP this afternoon which was a waste of time, she wouldn't speak to her so the GP told her there was no point her wasteing anymore time and she was to go
She said if she wanted to come back and actually speak this time then she would give her one more chance.
She did say that the referal had gone into CAMHS and they were having a multi agency meeting with everyone involved, which is going to be difficult as we dont have a social worker at the moment,the homelink worker is changing as she is going to highschool, so the people that will be there wont know her and wont be able to say whats going on.

He cant find his tie, he's had 7 weeks to look for it, but no he chooses this morning to look for it, his shirts too big so he says, his tousers aren't tight enough.
My daughter has gone to school without having a wash, not cleaning her teeth, is in a foul mood.

My 'friend' has not stopped going on about bridesmaid dresses, sending me links, going mad if I haven't looked at thm, fgs I've been trying to geteveryones stuf ready for school, get them out the door, my oldest still hasn't left, is going mad at me because I refuse to give him money for a new tie and prefect badge, he lost it he replaces it.

Aaargh, back to school mayhem. They'll be alright once they get back into it. Was your daughter nervous about starting big school?

Can you visit your Gran without having to see the rest of the family? You know that's rubbish about you being to blame of course.

I'm really glad your psychiatrist was understanding. Hope the Lithium works for you.

Is your friend in the bridal zone? I've just been to a friends wedding, she was in the zone for months before hand. Hopefully she'll be back on planet earth soon!

Not sure if I can visit my Gran without the rest of the family knowing I'm there, I dont drive and she is quite a bit away from where she used to live and where I live and I dont want to cause any trouble or make life difficult for them by going.

Think my daughter was a bit nervous about starting Highschool today but as she wont talk to me I never know, just get the brunk of her behaviour.

Friends wedding isn't for another 2 years and I'm sick of hearing about it already, I'm supposed to be chief bridesmaid but I dont want to, have dropped many hints that she should just have her daughter as her bridesmaid but shes not hearing me, I dont want to hurt her feelings but I cant listen to this for the next 2 years.

How's everyone this evening? Hope your daughter's first day went ok.

If you really want to see your Gran, I bet there's a way to do it without involving the family. They shouldn't guilt trip you into it though, that's not fair.

Not sure I could handle 2 years of wedding talk either! Hopefully she'll calm down about it all a bit.

I do want to see her, but as I remember her, not as the person that she is now, if that makes sense.
I can't believe my independant loving Gran is now not able to look after herself anymore, that they think its my fault that she's like this.
Maybe it is, I dont know anymore.
It's a mess
I'm a mess

I've messed up so many things, so many people, I wonder if its worth it anymore :(

I dont know what I'm doing anymore.
I've read this thread from start to finish tonight and although the reason I started this thread has changed, I still feel like crap, that I'm on borrowed time, still feel a like a burden.

My life feels like it's a real life soap, watching Eastenders tonight was not a good idea, brought up alot of things, alot of what if's.