I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

He knows he had a broken arm when he was a baby but doesn't know that it was his grandad that did it.

Thats her favourite crisps and I know today she wanted to eat them but couldn't, am hoping that she will realise that she needs to use it or its going to get worse. Seems to be that if the hospital Dr prescribes her medicine she will take it, but if the Gp or pharmacist gives prescribes it she wont touch it. Not sure of her logic there.

The kids know bad things happened to me when I was younger, but thats about it, I guess I wanted to protect them from the bad things, although not sure I have done a good enough job of that recently.

There probably will be some fall out from telling them so I agree it would be good to take advice beforehand. You could always talk to your oldest first, if you want to protect your youngest still.

You are doing a good job. I couldn't do what you do. Anyway, all you can do is your best and you work so hard to protect them.

Hi rhk,
I'm laughing at your daughter only trusting the 'proper' doctors in hospital. I agree with Hairy that you could 'sell' her on idea of the nice food she will be able to enjoy when the thrush is gone.
It sounds as if telling your children about your parents' abuse would affect your eldest the most. If that is something you are thinking about, I am wondering if your cpn could sort out some kind of support for him particularly, as he was most, physically affected by the abuse?
How is your youngest getting on, has he said much about his holiday? What does your daughter think about his holiday?
Speak soon, take care!

Or just eat loads of crisps in front of her

My son came back from camping this morning, his attitudes just as bad as it was before he went, my daughter kicked off tonight, threw things at the tv, which luckily she didn't break.

Have the psychologist tomorrow and really dont want to go, cant bare the thought of her constantly clock watching, or even going over everything again.
Right now everything feels pointless, not sure what to do about anything. It feels like I'm constantly fighting to keep my head above water when all I want is to just sink.

Hi rhk,
I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time with the children, that must be upsetting for you.
Please give the psychologist a chance, I think she may have been feeling a bit under pressure last week as she had been away for a few weeks. I'm sure she will be a lot more 'with' you this time. It might be worth mentioning that you felt upset last week because you felt she was under time-pressure. She probably didn't realise you were affected.
It sounds a bit as if the children are setting each other off, your son and daughter are at that age where they will annoy each other and have rows. I did with my brother when we were at secondary.
Do you think your daughter is getting anxious about going back to school because of the bullying? Has she had her counselling session yet?
Your son is probably going through an 'angry at the world, it's all about me' phase. I would be tempted to ignore most of it.
He knows how you feel about aggression and you have made yourself clear about how you feel about needing help sometimes. I don't think you can do a lot more. Hopefully, that will be at the back of his mind and you won't have to put up with any more 'outbursts'.
Things will settle down again.
[big hug]

How was your appointment today, rhksmum?

Are the kids getting under each others feet a bit? 6 weeks at home together is a long time.

Would it be possible for you to see someone about how to deal with the outbursts? Are SS any use? Hopefully your daughter's counselling appt will help anyway.

Hope things are a bit calmer today.

My daughters appointment went ok I think, although when I spoke to her counsellor on Wednesday she said my daughter had made it clear that she didn't want to talk about what happened last year, which is why she was there, if she wont work through that then they cant see her.

My appointment yesteday was so so or should I say felt pointless, feels like it's hopeless, that I'm a lost cause.
Sat last night and wrote a letter to her but ended up ripping it up through the night as it just sounded pathetic, so this morning I had to phone her.

I asked if she was planning on stopping seeing me? She said no, had she given me that impression? I couldn't say that yes thats what it felt like, because it's just me, me having the wobble, me feeling really insecure, me being stupid.
She said she had spoke to my Cpn last week and neither of them were going anywhere anytime soon, they realised I needed alot of support at the moment.

Curator phoned yesterday and wants to see the kids next week, needs to do a report to file at the court because of everything that has been going on in regards to my ex. My daughter is now upset about it, her face fell when I told her she has to see her next week.

SS know all about her behaviour and according to them they are at a loss on how to deal with her outbursts.

Only have 10 days left of the holidays here, it feels like only yesterday they were breaking up for their summer holidays.

Well maybe they can help her with what's happening now and work back? Seems ridiculous to say she can only discuss one thing. If she's not up for talking about it, she clearly needs time and encouragement to open up! You wouldn't treat an adult like that when beginning counselling, surely a child needs an even more gentle approach?

That's a bit feckless of SS. They shouldn't be saying they're at a loss. I have a couple of friends in SS, I'm going to check that out with them because that sounds like bollocks. Will also ask re. other sources of support. I can't believe that they can just say, 'Er, dunno' and that's it, you're left to cope by yourself.

I'm glad your psychologist was reassuring. You're not a lost cause, it's just going to take a few sessions to feel like you're getting somewhere again. Maybe you'll feel more like you can trust her again soon. Feeling like she might stop the sessions or doesn't want to see you is symptomatic of exactly why you need to keep seeing her. Keep going, you'll see progress again soon.

Any decision been made on the lithium?

I cant believe they can say that too, I know I'm her mum but I dont know how I'm supposed to handle this. I wrongly assumed that because they were a 'childrens' service they would at least have some idea on how to help us.

Children 1st only deal with traumatic events eg children that witness DV or if they have been abu$ed or something along those lines. They offer 6 sessions and then review it, if it's not working or in my daughters case wont discuss what she did/had happen to her, then they stop seeing them.

Dont know whats happening about the lithium, psychiatrist was supposed to be sending me out some information so that when I went back on the 16th I will have made my decision, but nothing has come from him so not sure whats happening.

Well at least if they admit they can't handle it you can maybe finally cut yourself some slack and beat yourself up a bit less about your dd's struggles and your inability to fix it x

But if they cant help/handle it then it means we really are unhelpable:(

She needs to be seen by CAMHS - pronto. She has been referred hasn't she? I must be honest I'd rather have her in the care of CAMHS than most social workers...

As far as I know she has, but the Gp appointment she had for this Friday has been cancelled so need to make another one.

If CAMHS are anything like they were last year then there really is no hope for us.

If CAMHS do agree to see her there is probably another 6-12 month wait.

Time I faced it, no ones interested, we are on our own :(

Hi rhksmum, hows it going?

I need to get a grip,
I'm a mess, really anxious, worried, nervous, can't watch TV, struggling to read threads all over mumsnet and else where.

Waiting for psychologist to phone me as she couldn't see me this week so is phoning me instead, just want to take the phone off the hook and hide from the world.

Hi rhk, just wanted to pop in and say I'm still checking in.
I hope your daughter's appointment has been reorganised rather than cancelled.
When do they go back to school?

Phoned to reorganise her appointment and the best they can do is 3 weeks time, not impressed with them since they cancelled the appointment and the Gp wanted to see her within the month, now it looks like its gonna be 2 months.

Schools go back here on Tuesday, cant come soon enough.

Looks like she's not phoning :(
Doesnt matter anymore.

rhk is your psychologist ill again do you think? It seems a bit strange, the delay and the not phoning.
My DS starts school next week, first time. I bet you remember all that.

Hi, I just wanted to say that with all you are going through you are such a strong person and you are doing such a good job. I have about 10% of the stress that you have and I feel like I can't cope most days.

I hope you get the help you need soon. Keep fighting.

No she's not ill, she did eventually phone just after 6 just as my shopping arrived, I asked her id she cold phone me back in 5 minutes just so I could sign for it. She didn't seem impressed but said she would.
So after waiting in all day and having a phonecall instead of an appointment I got the grand total of 15 minutes to talk.
There was no point in it, it left me feeling worse than I did before she phoned.
Cant shift this headache at all, not been to bed yet.

Kids have to go and see the Curator today which I'm not looking forward to.

I vaguely remember my oldests first day at school, more so because I was pregnant and threw up in the playgroundnot one of my better moments.
My daughters first day at school is a blank and I wasn't there for my youngest as I was in hospital.

rhks you don't sound too good - sorry I need to go to work or I'd come nad talk. Thinking of you and catch you later x

rhk that sounds like quite a memorable day, throwing up in the playground. One of my friends vomited on the doctor during an ante-natal appointment, i'm sure they're used to it.
I'm not sure what is going on with your psychologist, I thought you were supposed to see her on a weekly basis.
Can you tell your cpn what is going on and see if there are any alternatives?
There are free services, like the Samaritans if you need to talk. I phoned them once, ages ago and got a lady who was very nice, she just let me talk mainly.
Have you looked at the website Havoca at all? It is more on the self-help side, but the person who set it up was abused and is trying to help others in the same position to reclaim their lives.
I found this link as well where there are quite a few charities offering additional support to abuse victims
www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk/bspace/controller?p_service=Content.show&p_applic=CCC&pContentID=89&pMenuID=3&pElementID=62[[http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php
There are a lot of organisations on Scottish Survivors Help, there might be something near you
www.aest.org.uk/helplines/scotland_scottish.htm

My thinking is that the state is under-funded and over-subscribed so it might be a good idea to find another source of support to help during the times when you don't have access to the psychologist.

Hope your head's feeling a bit better.

How did the meeting go with the curator?

15 minutes over the phone is never going to do much for you- you need time to settle into the session and I imagine it would be hard to do that at home anyway with everything going on around you. It must be frustrating for you to miss out- I imagine it is either illness or over work that is causing her to cancel etc so don't start thinking that she isn't interested anymore.

How are the kids this evening?