I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

rhk how are you? How did it go today?

She hadn't read the letter before I got there, so I had to go over everything again.
She told me I should have phoned the police over what my oldest had done to me on Sunday.

I was told that I couldn't really phone between sessions as she was now too busy.

My oldest friend is now not talking to me because I phoned her partner to come get their 2 kids (1 and 5) tonight at 11 beause she was really drunk and wasn't for going home. I have nothing here for a baby, and it's not fair on the kids.
She stormed out my house after upsetting my daughter, she over heard her saying she was gonna kill who ever phoned her partner.

I know tomorrow there is going to be a backlash from all this and I cant deal with it.

So much is going round in my head, I dont know what to do with it.

rhk how did the session go yesterday? It's a pity she didn't have time to read the letter, but do you think it helped you organise your thoughts anyway?
Who can you phone between sessions? I know you have a cpn (don't really know what that stands for), but are there other people as well?
That sounds like a drunk person talking last night, she probably won't be the same today. It's a pity she didn't have the sense to sort out child-care first, but I have seen a few drunk parents and you really feel sorry for the children, just sitting there half-asleep.
YOu did the right thing, you do seem to have a very strong moral compass and you are very brave. Honestly, I really think you are.
I honestly think she will be a different person today. You could always give her a call and explain you were worried about the children, all she can do is hang up, but hopefully she will see sense now she is sober.
Tell us what is happening in your head and get it out! If you can!
Phone the cpn if you need support.
Did you have a chance to speak to you son yet, or is it not the time?
You are doing really, really well, very proud of you.

Cpn is community psychiatric nurse.
She is only part time over the holidays, there is a duty worker I can call but its so hard when I dont know who it is, I have to go through everything again and sometimes its just not worth it.

The session just felt like a waste of time, she was running late already and so my session was cut short, she kept looking at the time, then me then the time again, nothing like making you feel wanted.
I told her what had been happening over the past few weeks, didn't really get a chance to say how I felt, what was going on in my head.

I'm too angry with my friend, she really upset my daughter and thats not on at all.

I tried to speak to my son about what happened but he doesnt seem to get how much he hurt and scared me.

Everything is going around in my head right now, everything is mixed up. I want to stop seeing psychologist, want to hide away from the world, want to feel normal, be normal, want the thoughts and images to go.
I don't know anymore, am to tired to think straight, not that I want to think

Big hug

You did the rigth thing last night

Chat to you tonight if you are around (at work now) x

rhk that sounds like a rubbish session, it sounds as if she is doing a lot of catching up after being away. I'm sure she will be a lot more together the next time you see her.
Bit off to keep checking the time so obviously.
Perfectly reasonable to feel angry at your friend after putting you in that position and upsetting your daughter.
Is it possible to get anyone for your son to see, to make sure he is coping and nip this in the bud?
If not try again when he is more receptive. Ask him to put himself in your position with his own home and children to look after, what would he do in your place?
I'm not surprised you don't want to see the psychologist if she was so off hand with you. You need to build up a relationship of trust with her and that wasn't a good day for either of you. Give her another chance, she was probably having a stressed-out day and hopefully will be able to give you the time you deserve next session.
I'm really glad that you are thinking about a normal life without the drama. It's good that you are even thinking about that, focus on that it's your goal! You will get there, but it's a bit like walking through mud for you at the moment.
Do you think you would miss the drama, you are so surrounded by it, normal life might seem boring?

My sons not listening, he's adamant that his grounding finshes on sunday whether I like it or not, he says he's going camping on Monday. I told him if he dared leave the house then not to come back, he said thats fine I'll see you on the 5 O'Clock news maybe I'm missing something, but I haven't got a clue what that means.
We met his friends on the bus coming home today and he wouldn't say why he was grounded, his sister told them, they were pretty shocked, he told them I provoked him, he wouldn't have done any of this if I hadn't have provoked him into it. Sounds like my dad all over.

My psychologist said my son could have accessed the adult services if he hadn't been staying on at school as it is there isn't much available for him.

I get scared that without the drama in my life I wont know who I am, or that I wont have anything to hide behind, I will have to concentrate on myself and my problems and that terrifies me.

I'm beginning to wonder if any of this is worth it, since psychologist moved offices its all been going wrong, it feels like I shouldn't be talking, should just put up and shut up

rhk I think you are doing a great job. Your son is angry because he probably thinks he is an adult, but he is still a child, it's a horrendous time for families - when the children hit puberty.
He will probably back down, but he has to do it without losing face. I think he is just young and doesn't want to face up to what he did. I think you are doing really and standing firm, I'm scared of you.
Keep talking to him, don't let him pretend you are the enemy. He sounds like he is a nice boy really, just having a difficult time.
Even though the psychologist moved office you are doing really well and have made some real progress - you wrote those letters, which took courage. The psychologist has been supportive and you sorted out the situation with your ex.
Do you think you create drama to hide behind, or to avoid quiet contemplation. All the noise drowns out the voices.

I hope he backs down because I dont know what next week will bring if he doesn't.

The psychologist has been supportive but I just feel now I have hit a brick wall, I cant get by it, and right now I don't even know if I want to. Part of me is scared what's at the other side and the other part doesn't want to know.

If there is drama in my life then I can hide behind it, I feel I have a reason to ask for help or to say how bad I feel.
If I feel crap and nothing is going on thats when I go down hill very quickly because I wont ask for help, I dont feel like I deserve it.

I'm sitting here tonight in a panic, scared for whats gonna happen next week, worried my ex wont bring my yongest back on Sunday, worried that as I've not heard from my friend today that she has well and truely fell out with me, I'm scared to breath, scared to move, feel like I'm well and truely losing my mind, seeing things, hearing things.

Sory am just having a wobble

I'm glad your son's friends were shocked, I'll bet he was embarassed about what he'd done. I hope he's not too proud to apologise to you.

Your friend is probably a bit embarassed too. She was out of order and probably (hopefully) knows it. Give her a couple of days to calm down, there's no reason why she would fall out with you properly over this- you were only looking out for her kids after all.

Sorry your session wasn't great- it might just take a couple of weeks to get back into it. As for your fear of what's at the other side, is that something you could work on with her? So you can allow yourself to make progress.

I know what you mean about the drama. It does give you a reason to feel bad, it's harder to deal with when there's nothing to blame. Hope you keepasking though even if things do settle down, you do deserve help.

I know you're not feeling great but you sound strong and coherent.

rhk it does sound as if you are having time to think and the thinking is all the worst possible thing that can happen.
It is possible that your ex won't bring back your son, but I think he is more likely to return him than not.
You deserve help to deal with the little things just as much as when there are crises. You need help to learn how to live from day to day with your baggage. If you could learn to live with and move on from what your parents did, I'm sure you would find the other stuff a lot easier to deal with.
What could be on the other side of the brick wall? If you could smash a big hole in the middle you might see a huge meadow, filled with flowers where you could walk for miles, it could be everything you have wished for.
It might not the be the thing you dread, but freedom from your past.
[Big hug]

rhk how are you today? It's pouring with rain here.

It's rained on and off today.
Youngest came back, not how it was planned but he's home.
My daughter is in some mood, not sure if its because her brother is home or because my friend cancelled the dress fitting for her bridesmaid dress.

My oldest is still adament that he is going camping tomorrow and theres nothing I can do to stop him(his words) and he's right, I cant physically restrain him, he's bigger than me, stronger than me.
It's a holiday here tomorrow so cant even phone anyone for advice or help.
He's already throwing his weight around tonight, wouldn't let his wee brother in the toilet, told him he could sh*t himself for all he cared

I dont know what I'm supposed to do, if I try and stop him tomorrow chances are I'm gonna get hurt and worse still his wee brother is going to see this.

I already feel like crap, just want the world to stop so I can get off, feel soo close to the edge, sorry

No, you can't stop him but can you talk to him? I'm out of my depth here because I don't have a teenager yet but I'd try reasoning with him.

I was a horrible teenager, very stroppy and rebellious.I fought my way past my parents a few times to get out of the house- I even remember telling them they couldn't physically stop me .

I think calmly telling him exactly what you need from him behaviour wise (act respectfully towards you, set a good example to his siblings) and then say that no, you can't force him to comply but that's what you'd like could get him thinking at least. Or,if that sounds like bollocks,you could always try parentline in the morning for a few ideas. Or you could always start a thread?

It is pointless trying to force him to do as he's told at his age but appealing to his better nature or at least letting him think it's his choice might get you somewhere.

Did your son enjoy his holiday? Missed his ma, I bet.

I think this is where I struggle, I don't have anything to look back on, I would never have done what either of my children have done, never spoke to an adult the way my oldest speaks to me and my friends.
I look back and see that I tried my best to behave, tried my hardest to never been seen or noticed.

Part of me wants to just tell him to go, I need a break from all the things have gone on this week, but I worry that if I let him go he will think its ok for him to do what he wants. It's hard enough having my daughter kick off all the time, without worrying about what he can do to me to.

I keep wondering what it was I did?
It feels like I've gone from being a child hurt by adults to an adult hurt by children.

It cant be a coincidence?
Can it?
Maybe this is what I was put on this earth for.

rhk this is a tough situation. I agree you need to talk to him and go over what happened the other night when he was aggressive to you.
The thing is he is, technically, an adult, in Scotland. You can leave home at 16, get married, but not drink in a pub or vote. Very strange idea about adult-hood really.
I think you have to agree that you can't physically stop him, but that if he wants to be treated like an adult the he needs to start acting responsibly, which includes not using violence and tantrums to get his own way.
I think this will all come to a head tomorrow, so you could start talking tonight and see where it goes. He has to choose to live in your house and get on with you and his siblings or make his way in the world as an adult. However that could be put in a much more gentle way.
Teenagers do need freedom to act, but they also need guidelines for behaviour.
I agree about parentline, or do a search for something similar on MN you are not the first mother to have difficulty with teenagers.
Failing that you could start a thread about what's happening. It Is always good to get some new ideas and hear from others who have been through similar things.
We are here for you.

Just wrote the longest post then my computer died and I lost it! Lucky escape for you probably

It was pretty much what rowingboat says. It's no longer possible to 'control' his beahviour with threats or rewards, you have to appeal to his better nature- he has to make the choice to act respectfully and thoughtfully. How to convince him that's a good idea, I don't know. Which is why I would either use MN or parentline, there must be others who've been through this and can offer advice. It's so hard, I'm not looking forward to the teenage years myself, especially as I was such a horror.

You only think you deserve this treatment because it's what you're used to . It's not true though. Your children feel safe with you, so when their worlds are falling apart you bear the brunt of it. But I really don't think they mean to hurt you, they just don't know what to do with all their frustrations. I say that as someone who caused her own parents a lot of hurt without really meaning to. He'll feel bad about it one day, believe me!

A calm conversation might get you somewhere with him, better than him going off in a huff. You could spend the time apart figuring out what to do next (and he can come home full of remorse that he was so mean to his lovely mum).

Good luck

He's gone camping
Phoned parentline this morning and they said my safety has to come first so I had no choice but to let him go.

I tried to explain it to my friend as to why I had no choice but she couldn't see it, she kept saying now I have let him he has free reign over me.
She doesn't get that her kids are only 9 and 10 and she has a partner that can back her up, I haven't got this, it's me or nothing.
So she's now in the huff with me.

I cant win, I'm never going to get it right, why do I even bother

Well that's not very supportive of your friend. I don't have a teenager but it's fairly obvious that you had little choice- of course your safety comes before teaching him a lesson.

Anyway,you don't have to get it right for her, you only need to do what's right for you and your family. Ignore her. But maybe remind her when hers are acting like terrors in a few years time

How long is he away for?

rhk I agree you have done the right thing, your safety is key. Your friend is entitled to her opinion, but it's a bit daft to go into a huff because you don't agree. She isn't really in a position to understand, as you say and let's hope she never is. She must have been a very well-behaved teen if you doesn't see your position.
He will be a lot more chilled-out when he gets back and probably a bit more open to discussion about how is is going 'fit in' to the family.
And on the plus side, you get a break from him.
How are your other two? Is your daughter feeling better? Has your youngest talked about his holiday yet.
Did parentline say anything else about your son's behaviour and how to handle it? You still have control over the money don't you, until he starts work! That's always a powerful incentive to behave. I mean, I don't think I would put up with my boss without the money.

He was supposed to be away for onky 1 night but he text asking for another night and to be honest it's a relief not to have him here.

I shouldn't really expect any different from my friend, I'm always wrong and she's always right.

I tried explaining to him this morning that what he did really hurt me, the names he called me were horrible, that it dodn't matter what my mum or dad did to me I would never have spoke to them or caled them names like that.
He said he told his friends what happened last Sunday and he said they were disgusted in meguess he didn't tell them the names he called me, although the 2 we met on the bus on Friday got the full story and told him that they were shocked at what he had said.

Parentline said I should sit the 3 kids down and tell them exactly what hapened to me as a child and then they will understand why I'm the way I am. Not sure how I feel about that.

I've tried talking to him about money, how if he does 5 jobs he can get his pocket money, if he does anymore then I will give him extra pocket money, but it just goes in one ear and out the other. He has had no pocket money this week so I dont know how he has managed to go camping.

My daughter is still not sleeping, now has what looks like 2 colsaws(sp) at each side of her mouth, although the pharmacist says it's thrush due to her taking steriods. She is doing a 3 day transition program at highschool this week so hopefully it will help calm her nerves a bit and give her someone to talk to, she also has her counselling appointment this wek to.

I'd take what he says about his friends with a large pinch of salt, it was probably a very biased account. Doesn't matter what they think anyway, they're bound to be on his side.

I'm glad you've got a bit of breathing space anyway. It might help to talk to your kids about what happened to you but I suppose only if you feel ready. Could you talk it over with your psychologist first?

Did they give her anything for the thrush? It's really sore, poor love. Hope the counselling appt goes well.

Yes, she got some gel for her mouth, but surprise surprise she wont use it.

I'm not sure how much good it will do the kids to hear what their gran and grandad did to their mum, how they passed her round their friends who did unspeakable things to her, how their grandad broke my oldest arm when he was a baby because his mum dared say no
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it would help, I dont know, I dont know anything right now

I see your point. You could only tell them what you were comfortable with them knowing- I suppose at this stage you want to protect them from it all. It might be possible to tell them something of your past without the details if it would be helpful though?

Does your oldest know about his arm? What a terrible thing for you to have gone through . All of it is, terrible

(Tell DD her mouth will be better in 2 days and she can start eating salt & vinegar crisps again if she puts the gel on! Me and DS both had oral thrush last year it was bloody sore.)

Hi rhk, you are doing a great job. I am amazed at the amount you get through.
That sounds like good news for your daughter to be able to attend the counselling appointment. Will she talk to you about it, or do you think she wants it to be 'her' thing?
As you say, your son being away an extra night, takes some of the pressure off you. I am quite impressed that he texted to ask.
Do you know why your daughter won't use the gel? Is it a good reason or a random, teenage act of rebellion. If she is rebelling then you have probably done all you can do by explaining why it is necessary.
About the telling the children, I don't know if that is the way forward. Perhaps a censored version might help them to understand.
Would they be able to speak to you or somebody about it afterwards? I think I would ask for a second opinion on that approach and how to start if it is considered a good idea.
Do you think your cpn or the psychologist would be able to advise you or look into it?
It sounds awful and appalling, what happened to you and your son. You are amazing to be doing so well and moving away from them and what they did and onto a new life.
[huge hug]