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Original poster

I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

999 replies

rhksmum · 27/04/2010 13:43

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

OP posts:
rowingboat · 25/07/2010 23:33

rhk that sounds helpful, about the home link worker, but don't worry about disturbing the psychologist, she wouldn't have a job without patients.
Hope you get a bit of rest tonight.
I'll come on tomorrow and see how you are.

hairymelons · 26/07/2010 09:17

Morning. How is everything today?

I agree you shouldn't worry about bothering your psychologist, she's there for you if you need her.

Hope the homelink worker is useful.

rowingboat · 26/07/2010 13:05

hi rhk,
just popping in to see how you are today. Hope things are going smoothly for you.

hairymelons · 26/07/2010 18:47

Did the homelink worker call?

hairymelons · 27/07/2010 07:05

Morning. How are you today?

willsurvivethis · 27/07/2010 08:27

Worried about rhks

No response to my messages and she's not on facebook

willsurvivethis · 27/07/2010 08:29

Last spoke to her late Sunday night and she wouldn't promise me she'd still be there in the morning.

hairymelons · 27/07/2010 13:06

Oh god, hope she's ok

Do you live near her?

willsurvivethis · 27/07/2010 13:09

No several hundred miles apart...

hairymelons · 27/07/2010 13:14

Hope you're somehwere getting the help and support you need, rhksmum.

Thinking of you and your family.

rowingboat · 27/07/2010 14:34

rhk are you there? Have you been to see the psychiatrist?

willsurvivethis · 27/07/2010 16:32

don't like it

hairymelons · 27/07/2010 17:14

No, nothing since Sunday evening is not good.

Anything we can do?

willsurvivethis · 27/07/2010 17:16

I have sent her a few messages via facebook - that's all I can do - normally she sends a few words back just to say she's not up to contact right now.

rowingboat · 27/07/2010 21:35

I don't think there is much we can do until we hear from her.
If she has made another suicide attempt I don't think it will have gone unnoticed, both of her eldest children were at home on Sunday night.

hairymelons · 27/07/2010 22:22

Hope she's being looked after somewhere.

Will keep checking back for news.

rowingboat · 27/07/2010 22:24

I do too! She was sounding so unhappy.
rhk we are all thinking about you and hope that you are OK.

Original poster
rhksmum · 28/07/2010 16:00

I'm sorry I didn't mean to cause any worry, after what happened on Sunday I couldn't face anyone, have been in my bed since.

Saw psychiatrist this morning and he has took my bloods and is sending me infomation out on Lithium, if I agree to start it he will see me 16th August and start me on it then. He said it's a worry that my 2 oldest children seem to be using me as a punching bag.
His concern is the that I am suicidal and if I O/D on them it will kill me, there's no doubt there at all.

Spoke to my friend today and she said she knew my son was going to do something like this as he has been getting more and more angrier with me. I didn't see it or maybe I was in denial.

I have cpn and psychologist tomorrow which I'm dreading.

I'm sorry again for any worry or upset I have caused, it wasn't my intention, I was soo ashamed of everything.

OP posts:
hairymelons · 28/07/2010 18:08

Don't apologise, you've nothing to be sorry for.

Really good news about your psychiatrist, it's been such a long wait for you. And, although you're dreading it, I think seeing your psychologist tomorrow will be really good- she's always been v helpful in the past.

Wonderful to hear from you

rowingboat · 28/07/2010 18:23

Hi rhk, don't worry about making us upset. I don't think my being upset compares with what you are doing. I'm so glad to hear from you [huge hug]!
It is great that you have been to the psychiatrist and the lithium may help.
Is there anyway that you could be given a daily dose rather than a batch, to minimise the risk of you overdosing.
Did he mention hospital as a way of getting started on them without having free access to them?
Very good that he is taking seriously the physical abuse you are being subjected to. That must be addressed, because it clearly makes you so distressed and puts you right back to square one.
I agree you will feel better after seeing the psychologist.
So glad you are getting the attention you deserve.

willsurvivethis · 28/07/2010 19:11

Nope you have nothing to be sorry for - just glad you are still here.

Am not keen on you having access to anything that would kill you - I hope they realise how suicidal you are? At the moment that would be totally irresponsible. How large a dose is fatal? Is weekly dispense an option?

Glad you will start seeing the psychologist again tomorrow and now with no interruptions for a while so that things can be rebuilt between you until you can open up with her again.

Am here if you need me - always xx

Original poster
rhksmum · 28/07/2010 19:30

I already get my prescription weekly.

I dropped a letter into the psychologist today when I was up at the hospital seeing psychiatrist trying to explain whats been going on the past few weeks while she has been off so that I dont have to explain it to her tomorrow and a small part of me is hoping she will cancel the appointment.

He didn't mention hospital but was very surprised that I hadn't seen a psychiatrist since January

I dont know where I go from here, I'm scared, frightened of what each day brings.

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 28/07/2010 19:40

You know she's not going to cancel the appointment. You are the only person ashamed and embarrased and thinking you are bad and anything else negative you can think of.

She just wants to help you get better .Well done for the letter - it will give her a heads up.

rowingboat · 28/07/2010 20:14

rhk it's OK to be frightened, after what you have been through and natural. You will have a life without the constant fear, you just have to keep going and let everyone help you back onto your feet.
Good idea to drop a letter in with your psychologist, she is there to help and the more you tell her, the better she can help you.
Could you mention to her about the lithium and the potential risk of you over-dosing, to see if she can help you and the psychologist reach a workable solution.
Still feeling very happy to hear from you.

hairymelons · 29/07/2010 00:11

Yes, great idea about the letter.

Good luck for tomorrow. Will be thinking of you.