I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

Recieved a text from mmy ex's partner yesterday saying they had arrived but had been delayed When googling flights it turns out they were only delayed 30mins and arrived at 7.37pm Thursday night but it took them till yesterday to let me know.

I ony have a mobile number for him when he's away and its usually turned off.
Will give them until Monday and then hopefully I will have managed to speak to him.

My daughters still not feeling well, she has a sore throat, her nose has been bleeding and shes still exhausted.
She said once she got to Wednesday she would feel better as she was scared her dad was going to make her go to Spain with him, but she's still not sleeping.

I've got appontment with psychiatrist this week, first one in nearly 6 months, am terrified that they will decide that I need to go into hospital, also its a male, I have seen him before when I was in the ward but it was always in a room full of people.

Not slept very much all week, holiday was a disaster from start to finish, even my youngest said "dont take offence mum but this holiday has been a terrible!"

I'm going through the motions but thats it, nothing feels real, I feel numb.

On Thursday we went into Southport and all I could think of was once I got to the end of the pier it would all be over, but stupid me didn't realise the tide was out, story of my life right now.

rhk you are having such a hard time. I hope your daughter starts to pick-up now she has less pressure on her from her father.
There are some colds going around right now, so perhaps she has picked something up.
Does she ever have hayfever, it can be a nightmare.
What do you think about hospital?
I have the impression that you have been before.
I'm sure that hospital is the last place you want to be, but you are under such a lot of pressure that it might not be a bad thing to help you to focus on you.
I'm afraid I haven't been, but a couple of very close family members were hospitalised, one voluntarily and one involuntarily. It did get them through a horrible time and probably saved the life of one of them.
You seem to be having more and more difficulty coping and feeling more suicidal, or at least you are writing about it more frequently.
I am so worried for you and want you to have the best possible treatment to allow you to get your head above the waterline.

Please dont worry about me, things will work out one or or another

Not sure if she has hayfever or has ever had it as she has always had a really runny nose and problems with her breathing. She had some allergy tests done at the hospital last week and they were all clear but consultant gave her a nasal spray with a very mild steroid in it that she has to now take for ever.

I have had 5 hospital admissions because of my mental health, at the time it helped being in there but I still came home to the same problems.

Hi - you are totally within your rights to have a female chaperone when you see a male dr - whether it is a gp or a consultant, so do ask, they can provide one.

Sorry your daughter is feeling so rubbish.

I know you say you always came home to the same problems before but you seem to have really moved on in the last few months, especially with the work you've done with your psychologist.

It is a worry that you still talk about feeling suicidal so often though. What is it about the hospital stay that terrifies you? Is it to do with the kids?

I think the upset it will cause the kids if I had to go in, my youngest 2 would have to go to their dads in England and my oldest would be farmed out to who ever was willing to take him.

Also the lack of control I have had each time I was in scares me.

Just had an almighty fight with my oldest, who has told me I'm a complete waste of fcking space, I should burn in hell, grabbed by the wrists and shoved against a wall, fingers pointed in my face.
I've really done a number on my kids, they are well and truely fcked up because of me.

I've had enough of it all, it doesn't feel like I have any choice in what I have to do

Hun why does it have to be you who's fcked up the kids - why has it nothing to do with their dads who without exception are useless abusive bastrds - what damage do you think they've done!!! Be it by their presence or their absence.

Because there is no one else here to blame, no one to pass the responsibility to, it's just me, I was the one who got ill, put the kids in care because I have no one else to look after them when I had to go into hospital, I was the one that allowed my yongests 2's dad to be cruel to my oldest, it was all ME

You got ill because of your parents and your kids' dads - not all by yourself - being abused made you ill.

And I have told you before and I will keep tellin me until you either see sense or get sick of me that their absence doesn't make it ok - it causes problems. Kids need parents.

mine dont need me,
they dont need the crappy job I've done,
the crappy life I have given them,
my mum and uncle were right

rhks no no no and more no

listen to me please

those two have never said anything in your interest or anything that was true and your kids need you more than ever

rhk even though it seems as if your children don't need you, they do. It isn't OK for your children to physically abuse and threaten you, but they do respond to you because they feel safe with you. They know you love them (even if they say they don't) and they know you wouldn't go out of your way to hurt them.
You said a while ago that you felt jealous because you could never have behaved the way your children do when you were a child. That is a contrast because you didn't feel safe and didn't feel loved. Do you see the difference.
Not all anger is for the same reason.
To be brutally practical, if you commit suicide, your children will be 'farmed out' as you say, but until they are adults.
Being in hospital may result in this happening, but afterwards you would be back to love then and care for them.
It isn't an ideal situation for anyone, but perhaps it is a short term pain for a long term benefit.
You were saying that they may change your medication, and perhaps that will be sufficient for you to start coping better.
I can't help worrying, but I still feel you are going to turn the corner and take back your life and survive your abuse and start to enjoy life again, as you should.
Stay strong! You are a good, kind person, even though your parents completely let you down, you are!

Well I'm now a f*cking whore, and guess what he's right,

I cant do this anymore, I'm sorry

rhk is this your son? Can you go out or go to a friend to get away from him, until he cools down. I don't think there's much point in talking to him.
Can you phone the crisis team or somebody to get a reality check and calm things down. It's going to be OK, you can do this. Don't let your parents win.

Isn't anywhere him or or me to go, not tonight anyway, had a tearful phonecall to my friend who wanted to come up and have serious word with him, but the mood he's in it wont change anything.

Crisis team finished at 5pm so thats it until tomorrow, cant stop crying, cant deal with this, scared he's turning into my dad,

rhk I doubt he is turning into your dad, he's just being a truculent teenager with a bad dose of hormones.
What started it all off?

I told him I wasn't putting up with his rubbish anymore, that he needed to start picking up after himself and from there it went wrong

He has been told he has until tomorrow to sort himself out or I will be phoning social work to have him removed from the house

I can see how why he would be angry about that.
Is this because he pushed you and grabbed your wrist or has it been building up?

I think it has been building up, I've let things slide with him, I'm quite slack with him, he's normally ok, just doesn't pick up after himself, we came back on Friday from holiday and he's done nothing to help, except leave more things lying about.

Today I saw red and told him I had had enough, he started shouting at me just because I was in a bad mood dont take it out on him, I said I was tired of him constantly leaving things lying about, he needs to help me more, even if it's only picking up his stuff. His dinner dishes from tonight are still lying on the floor.
I know it all probably sounds really petty but it's starting to get to me.
Tonight he scared me, he's taller than me now and was screaming in my face, pointing his finger in my face, then grabbed my wrists and shoved me against the wall, then later on shoved me into a chair, calling me a fcking whore, that I needed to go fck myself, that I should burn in hell, he was really scarey.

Totally, totally unacceptable to behave that way towards you. And no, he's not right about you.

Angry outbursts are typical mardy arse teenager behaviour but being physical with you and calling you those awful names are beyond the pale.

From what I can see, you didn't choose to be ill, you didn't choose to be an absentee parent, you didn't fuck them up.

Has everything calmed down yet?

Those messy things are the typical reasons for falling out with anyone you live with, from flatmates to children. It does get on top of you, if you are doing all the work. I don't think you are unreasonable in pointing out that you are tired and need help. It has probably gone in, but he feels sheepish.
It sounds to me, as if he has been bottling up as well. There has been so much going on recently, he must feel powerless to help and just not know what to do with his feelings.
It is not OK for him to use force the way he did, he probably realises now.
Has he calmed down now?
If he is normally Ok, as you say, I would be tempted to leave things to settle then talk to him when he is calm. Tell him how you felt upset and frightened when he behaved in such an intimidating manner. Even if he doesn't say anything, he will have to think about the effects of his outburst.
How is your daughter?
I use a steroid spray sometimes for an ear problem, it is anti-inflammatory.
There are a lot of flowers around at the moment and some of them are quite over-powering, like buddliea, it's lovely, but it is strong. Perhaps the pharmacist could check to see whether she needs an anti-histamine. She could always try and see if it helps.

He's upstairs, I've took his front door key off him, he's took his clothes from the kitchen but he's still telling his sister that I'm a f*cking whore.
I dont want to go upstairs to bed because I'm scared, I've never seen anger like that in anyones face but my dads before today

rhk kudos to you for sticking up for yourself and getting the key! I'm very impressed!
He is probably just venting at his sister, just left the steam hiss out of his ears, he will run out sooner or later.
It does sound scary and you can tell him that later, when he settles down.
He probably isn't like that normally, but your whole family has been under such pressure and he must feel quite upset, but probably thinks he has to be man of the house, even though he is just a teenager.

Is there someone you can call in the morning about this?

I wouldn't have the first clue where to start with this really but he needs to know that this can't happen again. I think rowingboat is right about there being so much going on, and him feeling powerless and venting etc. It must be so hard for all of you right now.

You don't deserve this treatment though. He needs to find another way to deal with it. He's probably going to feel dreadful about this soon, I hope there is a huge apology coming your way.

I dont know who I can call, social worker is on holiday but she is moving departments and we havent been allocated a new one yet, my cpn isnt back in until Tuesday. My psychologist is back tomorrow and I have her on Thursday but I dont want to bother her.

Homelink worker is phoning tomorrow so hopefully she will have some ideas on what I can do.

Why do they always pick weekends to start?