I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

rhk he is such an idiot, but I'm glad to hear that your lawyer is on to him. He is just making things worse and worse for himself.
I don't know how these things work, but is it possible he will not be allowed access if he keeps this up?
He's not clever he is completely immature and is using emotional blackmail on the children.
I was thinking about your daughter and wondering if the social work could arrange some stress and anger management for her? Do you know if they do things like that?
How are you feeling about the Pontins trip?
You are doing a great job at keeping on top of your ex's behaviour.

I've had it, cant do this anymore.

No point, no point in anything

rhks what is making you say that? I'm here if you want to talk xx

doesn't matter, wont change that he's an @rse and I'm a dirty little tramp, wont change what they did, wont change anything, I've had enough, I give up

You are not dirty and not a tramp. Don't do anything i don't want you to do - here to talk xx

rhk, what has happened? Why are you saying this?
It is not your fault, none of it, stop blaming yourself, you were trusting and innocent and you were abused by people who should have cared for you.
Don't let them do this to you, you will survive them and go on to live a good life.
Give yourself a chance, please!

rhks what have you done - please get in touch...

Had a facebook message at 6am - RHKS is still there but things are very difficult for her and her dd because of ex-H. There are some appointments this morning for both of them, pray they are useful.

Thanks for posting Will. I hope they get the support they need to get through this situation with the ex.
rhk thinking about you and hoping you are feeling more able to cope.

rhk, thinking about you and hoping things are going better today.

Hiya,
Things are realy bad, probably worse than they have ever been.

My daughter was at the Gp's this morning, her mood is really low, she has barely slept for 2 weeks, her dad is being a total ares to her, refusing to speak to her on the phone, then saying if the only way he can speak to my youngest is by speaking to her then he'll do it...really nice of himnot.

She has got an urgent referal for CAMHS,not that I'm holding my breath on that one and has to see the Gp in a month, or sooner if shes not coping.
She had her ENT appointment this afternoon and everything looks ok but she has to take a nasal spray now for the rest of her life to stop things going back to the way it was.

I've got a letter to take to Pontins with me from the Lawyers incase he starts his rubbish, and tries to take my daughter.

I'm so tired of it all, going to court was supposed to make everything easier, instead I've had my whole life turned upside down, my daughters world has shattered and all because he's an arse and I dared say no

He doesn't get the damage he has done to his kids, more so his daughter. He's been told no more phonecalls to the kids until his lawyer is back from his holday and he can speak to him, but he's not listened, he's still phoning the house, phoning my daughters mobile constantly.

My mood is on the floor, how I'm still here I dont know, I cant take much more, the phone rings I jump out my skin, I'm scared of what he will do next, I'm scared of what I want to do

rhk what a nightmare! None of this is your fault, you have just tried to make things better for your children. Your ex is doing this completely off his own back and you can't do much to control what he does, other than what you have already done.
I know it must seem like small consolation, but at least the courts are now, well aware of his behaviour and it is all being recorded, so if it gets worse perhaps he could lose access. I don't know if that is possible?
If he had decided to be an idiot and you hadn't put the legal side of things in place, you wouldn't have had any support or recourse to take action, so it is good from that side.
It's awful that you and your daughter are jumping when the phone rings. Do you have an answer machine to screen your calls? If you do you could always switch off the ringer and check your messages every so often.
Or get a cheap pay as you go to use for the time being, just for your social worker and lawyer and friends.
Can your daughter's phone block numbers, I'm wondering if his calls could be blocked for a while, to give her a break?
I'm so glad to hear from you, I was getting really worried, but Will had posted that you had appointments to sort things out.
Things can only get better from here, as you say they have hit rock bottom and you have survived, which is what you do.
I hope your daughter's appointment helps her. Has she been OK with you, no more violence since the last time?
How are you feeling about Pontins. You totally deserve a break, be nice to get away from the phone.
I'm going away for a couple of days tomorrow, but I should have internet access this time, so will be checking in.
Speak soon

your friend is right its all very well you having a cpn same as i do and a psychologist same as i do i also like you have children i feel like giving up some days but the only person who can actually help you is yourself i wake up in the morning and think to myself i have two beautiful children and one on the way i have to stay strong for them i remember when i first became ill and had to go onto the nut ward it was the most horrible place in the world because of my children i managed to get out in three days you need to snap out of this frame of mind lovey because your children will pick up on it no matter how much you try to hide it so i suggest you start keeping a diary if its that bad and you are struggling to tell your cpn what is really going on.

rhk, I am away at the moment, sitting in a strange hotel room, feeling homesick.
I hope you are enjoying your break and don't see this until you get back.

Been away for a week and couldn't get online so I've just caught up with what's been happening.

You've had a hell of a week. Sorry your exH is being such an idiot. I really hope this is the start of some decent support for you and your daughter.

Hope that you have a nice few days away too

I just want to come home. I'm not coping at all, ex is still bein an arse, barely any signal on my phone and thats my fault. Family over the way had a pretty bad domestic the first night we where here and its triggered me badly. It's poured it down with rain road we got here. Place is a dump and I just want to go home, dont feel safe, dont feel anything but down

rhk it isn't the best weather. Is there much to do inside for the children? These places usually have loads of actitivities.
Give yourself a bit of time, it will probably get better when you are a bit more used to the place.
It's difficult when you don't feel safe outside, but you are doing a good thing for the children and for yourself, by going outside your comfort zone. If you can push those boundaries a little it will give you a bit more freedom than you have at home.

It isn't your fault if you don't have a signal on your phone, unless you went and chopped down the phone mast last night.

I'm just back home myself and it is chucking it down in Edinburgh.
Fingers crossed for a bit of sun for you tomorrow.
You are doing a the best you can and nobody can do more than that.

Thats my youngest been picked up by my ex, he left really upset his dad didnt even speak to him, weather a bit better today, only got 2 days left till I go home. If i could leave now i would but i cant. Not sure what im doing anymore nothing feels real, I dont want to be here full stop

rhks I found it really hard to be on holiday last year - at least at home I felt safe - I could do all the small things that kept me occupied and stopped me from thinking too much. it was a bit better this year but as you know I still panicked a lot. so I know how hard it is even without sh*te exes adding to the fun.

Do your best to have some sunshine time with your dd knowing ex is out of the way.

rhk how are you getting on. Is the holiday until Friday?
I hope your eldest two are having a bit of time to relax.

home tomorrow cant come fast enough, even tried phonin cpn couldnt get through, had enough of this life completely

rhk you have done so well in even trying to go on holiday. Even though you feel awful, you have done a brave thing and a good thing for your children. You are a good person.
What have you been doing at Pontins?
When is your next appointment with the psychologist?
Stay strong!

feel like such a crap mum, wanted to end it so badly today, only thing that stopped me was the tide was out. Not sure how long I can carry on. Got psychologist next week dont want to go, dont no what to do ammore, my daughters not well again, my youngest, well I dont know if he has got to spain safetly or not. I'm just a screw up, a mess, I'm sorry

rhk,it is OK to have these feelings, you feel strongly that you can't go on. I would imagine the way you feel is normal for a person who has been abused.
You are making the right steps to move away from those strong feeling and to be able to see a life where you can live properly.
Despite your suicidal feelings you are a good person who is valuable and lovable.
You dreaded the psychologist last time, but you made it and you seemed to make progress.
What is wrong with your daughter?
Could you check the flights online or phone the airline to see whether there are any hold-ups?

rhksmum, are you saying that you haven't heard from your exH or son since he picked him up on Wednesday? That's out of order if so . It's the first time he's had him in ages after all. Have you tried texting or calling? He will be absolutely fine of course but it's unfair not to let you know that.

Must be scary to think of picking up the pieces with your psychologist, it's much easier to keep going when you're on a roll. You've handled the last few weeks brilliantly all by yourself though and you've had a lot to deal with. I'm really glad you're going back even if you are nervous about it

You were up late last night, guess you didn't sleep much? Hope you feel better for being at home. I think holidays are nice for the kids but can be quite hard work for us!

How's DD now?