I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

I haven't done a great job, feel like I've messed up completely.
My daughter is a mess, shes in my bed again tonight.
If I had stood up to him earlier or just left things as they were she would be ok.

I'm tired of always picking up the pieces of our lives that he has messed up, they can just stay on the floor from now on

You couldn't stand up to hom earlier - he was abusing and controlling you. You nad you daughter have taken a huge and scary jump towards a change in that. This was the right time for it to happen.

Well true to form he hasn't phoned, she's been tossing and turning all night.
It's not fair what he's doing to her.

I give up, I really do

rhk if you have removed your children from an abusive relationship you must know you have done the right thing. Think of the alternative, is that one you would accept?
You know you did the right thing.
I am fortunate not to have been in a situation where I have had to organise support payments and visitation rights, but if I ever did, I would do it legally, otherwise you have no come-back and no protection for you or your children. I can't see what option you had.
This is a hard, hard thing to have to do, but it must have a positive side. It is better you aren't in that relationship any longer and your children now have proper support from the court and social services in their relationship with him.
Is there anyone who can talk to your ex from the court or social work, to explain that he is upsetting your daughter and to sort out some alternative to the holiday, for when he gets back?
If he knows they are aware he is being over-bearing and that he will see them at some point, on their terms he might back off.
You must feel so powerless though, when your daughter is so upset, but it is not your fault, it is your ex's fault. Please don't blame yourself for his unreasonable behaviour. All you can do is comfort her, she will be OK with you to support her.
Do you ever think you are being unfair on yourself, piling the blame on your own head?

It all went wrong again this morning, curator phoned to say that he had managed to arrange flights for them to return in 10 days, so I had to tell my daughter this, cue lots of tears, told curator that she still didnt want to go but was told to bring her into the office.
Spoke tosocial worker, shes not happy at all, thinks even 10 days is too long for kids to be away after not seeing him for nearly a year, said that him using the old house as a base for when hes up here is wrong, he put his kids out of that house and 3 1/2 years later he wants to letthem stay there the odd weekend.

Social worker said to give her her mobile number and she would speak to her.
Told curator this and was told she doesn't speak to social work, she doesnt deal with them.

My daughter went in and spoke to her and the outome is she is not going to Spain at all, but I was told to stop putting words in her mouth, to stop not letting her speak to her dad on the phone, that her dad was telling her that my daughter doesnt want to go on holiday because I have told her to say no, that this is all down to me

She spoke to my youngest and he has now said he will go to spain for 10 days without his sister, so thats it, decisions have been made and I have to pick up the pieces.

I asked her what happens if there is a wekend that neither of them wanted to go with him, I was told I'm their mum I make them go, they dont have a choice in it anymore.

Curator asked my son if he wanted his dad to phone tonight, he said no tomorrow, so what happens he phones tonight and the kids aren't in, asked him why he was phoning tonight as I was told he was phoning tomorrow night, he put the phone down on me.
She asked if I let him in my house, I said not anymore, she thinks I should as it will show the kids we are friends like thats ever gonna happen, last time he was in my house he checked my cupboards and fridge to make sure I was feeding the kids right.

Cpn was in and says she can see I'm under alot of pressure and my ex is never going to change, but she can see its upsetting me.
Shes going to email psychiatrist again to find out when I'm going to get seen so hopefully its soon.

Not trying to play down your situation here, I know this is hard for you all but I just can't help thinking what a lucky girl she is having a mum like you. It's lovely she is able to crawl into your bed when she's feeling upset. Brought a tear to the eye, in fact.

You more than make up for your ex and you are doing a stellar job of supporting your children through a difficult situation.

Sorry, x-post took me ages to type.

Who told you to stop putting words in her mouth?

The curator told me, she said even the sheriff was thinking that as well. She said that my ex had spke to her today because his lawyer is off on holiday so she is now going to work as the go between, he was telling her that its me putting words in her mouth too.
I promise hand on heart I'm not, I only want whats best for them, I hate that he's doing this to them.

My daughter has just come in and I told her to phone her dad, so she did, and all he went on about it how they have bought this and that for Spain, telling her that women cant multi task.

I'm so tired of this, all this is because i dared stand up to him, the kids are suffering because I said enough is enough.

I've had enough of it all.
I dont get how he can get away with this, how it always gets turned round on me.

The kids are suffering because of him. They'd be much worse off if you were still with him.

Nice ideas he's got about women, too. Tosser.

He will trip himself up. Sounds like your daughter has seen through it already anyway.

Sorry you're having such a nightmare.

rhk it all sounds a bit confusing, but the good thing is that your daughter was listened to and she doesn't have to go at all.
Regardless of whether the court think you told her what to say, she has still been taken account of. She has also been great at making her feelings known and I think that is reassuring, because you know she won't just go along with what your ex wants.
You also have the full support of the social worker and they sound as if they are doing all they can to help you cope well with this stressful situation.
I'm not an expert on this whole court thing, but I wonder if your lawyer could clarify the position regarding visits and your ex having access to your home.
Also I think she would be interested to hear that your ex has been calling when he wasn't supposed to and has been suggesting that you are manipulating the children.
You have nothing to lose by keeping a note of when he doesn't stick to the court's arrangement. He sounds like the type to hope you will forget when he flouts the rules.
The curator sounds as if she knows what he is like and if you have examples of how he ignores what he is told she might see that he is manipulating the court.
Is the curator just making suggestions about you allowing him into your home as a way to establish a kind of 'working' relationship with him? Could you tell her you aren't comfortable, given your previous relationship, but try to find something less stressful. Perhaps you could meet away from your home, somewhere you are comfortable, or having a friend or official present at your house when he picks up?
He sounds like a sweetheart with the 'women can't multi-task' is he a total chauvinist?
You are doing a fantastic, fantastic job, particularly given your anxiety problems.
Give yourself a pat on the back for sticking with it.

When does it stop?
I need it to stop, need it to go away.
The past few weeks have been took up with the court case and I haven't had a chance to think, but tonight I have come down to earth with a bang.

I guess fighting for my kids has made me realise no one fought for me, no one looked out for me. I was on my own, still am and it's a very lonely place to be.

rhk it isn't your fault, what your parents did to you. They let you down, but you are fighting back, you are fighting for you.
It is always difficult when the noise subsides, that's when there is time to think.
Do you think the noise and chaos helps distract you from thinking about yourself at all?
Even though your parents didn't support you, you are not letting them stop you from living your life and showing courage and kindness. That has come from you, not from them.
Take it easy tonight, you deserve a rest.

Why does it feel like my fault, lawyer phoned again today about my ex and his antics.

I cant take any more, it's horrible seeing my kids upset, even my friends have seen how upset my kids have been this week because of him.
How come none of my mum's friends could see how upset and distressed I was?
I know, it was because I wasn't worth it, am still not.

Want to give up so badly, don't know what to do anymore, it feels like it's all going wrong, no scrap that it has gone wrong

Why didn't my mum and dad not see that things were very wrong? How could they not notice what was being done to me? Why did the other teachers not notice him taking me into the gym? How about that lovely RE teacher??

No sensible answer to give - all we can do is to do notice when our kids are upset.

You are doing well - your ex is the tosspot. He will be found out for what he is.

You have all been soo nice to me and I really dont deserve it.

I've messed everything up and the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it.

I'm sorry

rhks stop it

you have everything to llive for even if it doesn't feel like it now

Your kids need you more than ever and you can make a huge difference in their lives

I'm around tonight - come talk to me, certainly talk to me before you do anything daft.

You deserve kindness and support. You always have.

How are you feeling now?

rhk you have to give yourself a break here. Your ex is causing trouble and you have somehow made this into your fault.
You are worth the same as anybody else, but your parents have undermined your confidence and self-worth, but you are fighting back.
This is a hard, but worthwhile thing you are doing, but speak to the cpn about getting a bit of support, you deserve it.
Stay strong, you DESERVE our kindness and support because you are a kind, sweet, strong person.

rhk how are you today?

What did I do that was soo wrong?

I cant cope, cant do it anymore, she's just battered me for daring to ask for her dirty clothes.
Phoned parentline but they aren't open until Monday now, cant phone the crisis team because their first words are usually are the children safe?
Yes they are safe I'm not, but that doesn't matter.
I knew after the week we have had she would kick off, I told them all that it would but no one listened, no one heard, no one cared, it was always about him and what he wanted.

Well right now I dont want to be here, dont want to do this anymore, cant keep being her punching bag, cant keep breathing

rhk I'm so sorry you are having to put up with this. I think you should phone the crisis team, even though they will ask about the children. It sounds as if you need to speak to somebody soon. They will know what your options are for dealing with this ongoing problem.
This situation is absolutely unacceptable for you, I know she is only 12, but there are a lot of 12 year olds who have divorced or separated parents, who don't beat up their mothers. It really is not OK for her to continue like this.
You do not deserve this after you doing your best for her.
Has she calmed down enough to talk to. Does she know how desperate you are feeling about the situation? Is she open about her feeling about last week, perhaps if she could get this all out in the open she would feel less cornered.
When is her counselling going to start, is it next week?
Do you think there is any possibility of her having mental health problems, which might be triggering this?

Phone them rhksmum. Tell them yes the kids are safe but I am not. You've had a bloody awful week with this to top it all off and need a bit of support. Please be kind to yourself and ask for it.

She wont talk, she told me to fck off, That I was a stupid fcking b*tch and she wishes I was dead and you know what I wish I was too.

If her clothes were just dirty I could live with that, but shes got her period and wont wear pads so her clothes are covered in bl**d, she still insists on wearing them and they stink.
I cant cope with this anymore, I dont know what I'm supposed to do. She's now grounded til Wednesday and wont be going to her friends party on sunday which I know is going to cause big problems again.
Social worker thinks she does have some mental health problems but unless CAHMS see her there can be no diagnosis.

She knows I'm struggling with all this, she knows this week has been difficult for us all. She is to see her dad on Monday for a few hours with her brother and I'm guessing shes worried about that.

She saw counsellor yesterday just as getting to know her visit as she hadn't met her before, next appointment isnt until the 5th August.

Doesn't matter anymore, he can have them, I cant keep doing this anymore

rhk you have tried, there's no point pushing it, if she won't talk.
Maybe tomorrow, when she has calmed down.
The refusing pads sounds a bit like a dirty protest. I am imagining she feels she has very little power over what happens in her life and she clearly has no idea how to express that. So it is coming out totally inappropriately.
It isn't fair that you are the punch bag, not fair and you don't deserve that at all.
I know your ex is a pain in the bum, but it would be great if he could take over occasionally, when he gets back he might be able to to do more to help out. Being a single parent is so hard.
I was wondering this morning about the way you take responsibility for anything bad that happens. I wondered if you could say one thing that you think you are good at and do well.
Have you looked at any of abuse survivors websites, or found them useful if you have?

She has only shown this behaviour once to her dad, well I say show, she screamed and shouted and refused to leave her room, so he did what he's good at and left, after which she kicked off really bad for which I had to phone the police to come out to the house.

He isn't interested in her behaviour, she doens't show it to him so he doesn't care.

I have used a couple of abuse sites in the past and they can/have been useful.
I just dont know where I go from here, I'm so tired of constantly fighting to survive, I have no fight left in me
But never mind, the show must go on as they say, the happy smiley face has to be superglued on and everyone needs to see that everything is fine