I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

If they turn up without me knowing and say right we are going out then although its hard but not as hard as it is if I have had time to think about it, it's when i think about it a whole scene plays in myhead of what if's

I can imagine them creeping up to surprise you and stop you worrying.
Does speaking to the psychologist help reduce the anxiety at all?
Your head must be working overtime creating all of these negative scenarios, it's a pity because you would probably be a great artist or creative director with all your mental energy.
How's your daughter doing?

Psychologist knows, she gives me excercises to do, like walking to my front gate and back, then staying there a few minutes, somedays i do manage it but the panic I feel for the rest of the day makes it all the more harder to keep doing it. I did have a support worker for a while but funding was stopped.

Checked on her a we while ago and she was sleeping, still very flushed looking but hopefully will sleep all night and I can phone the Gp in the morning.

That's good that she is still sleeping.
Are there any local charities who can help you, like home start or a befriender?
I am looking for some voluntary work in Edinburgh and there seem to be quite a few organisations who arrange one to one support.
Do you take any tranquillisers to help with the anxiety?

I'm off to bed rhk. Take care, I hope it is very straight forward and quick tomorrow at court and your daughter is feeling back to normal.
Speak to you soon

my children are too old for me to get homestart, i had then before but they felt my needs were too complex for them to help me. I get antipsychotics for the anxiety and thoughts but they dont help much now, hopefully once the appointment comes in for new psychiatrist my cpn hopes they will start me on lithum.

Morning rhksmum, how's your daughter today?

She's got an appointment with the dr at 10.10, she's still asleep which is not like her at all, she's normally up at the crack of dawn.
I just hope if it is something I've caught it in time and it wont get like last time

Hi rhk,
I hope your daughter got on OK at the doctors.
How are you doing today?

she has am infection has hot antibiotics, am sat now in curators office with a heart broken daughter because sherif is sayin they have to go on holiday with him for 3 weeks after not seein him 4 nearly a year, he really has a lot to answer for

rhk that is harsh on your children. Do they have to go, even if they say they don't want to?
It does seem very long after such a long absence.

Is that 3 weeks in one go? Does seem like a lot all at once after they've not seen him for so long.
Hope the antibiotics are kicking in and she's starting to feel a bit better.
Stressful couple of days for you, hope you can take it easy tomorrow.

yes its 3 weeks they have to go for,
I'm sick of this, it washorrible seeing her break her heart but her dad doesn't seem bothered about it, its all about him, what he wants.
I just want to take the kids and disapear, sherif was adamant(sp) that the kids go for 3 weeks, when I tried to argue their case over the phone I was told tough.
Eventually curator phoned me and said my daughter had said she wanted to go, but my daughter was telling me different.
So we ended up in her office, my daughter told her that she didnt want to go for 3 weeks, she would go for 7-10 days but not 3 weeks.
I then get a phonecall saying that he has said that if they were upset then he would get a flight home for them like that would happen.

He has now phoned, asked to speak to my youngest, asked him if he would go on holiday with him for 3 weeks, he said yeah what ever, so he says well I guess I better speak to your sister later.

She's a nervous wreck, has refused to speak to him,
What am I supposed to do
It's not him thats gonna get the crap beat out of them when she comes back from a lengthy time away that she didn't want to go on, its not the lawyers, no they can go home to their perfect lives and leave me to pick up the pieces of what he has done.

I cant do this, i'm soo tired of it, I just want to not be here anymore

Well he's just phoned there the now, asked to speak to her, she said she didnt want to speak to him, he said 'oh but she can speak to everyone else, I'll phone her in the morning'

I'm trying my hardest not to bad mouth him, but its soo hard when he's doing this to her, he's really upset her.

Why can he not see what he's doing to her, this is all about him, not them, all about controling me.

Why did I ever stand up to him, why didnt I just let things carry on as they were.

I've done this, I've messed this all up, its all down to me

rhk I don't understand what you think you have done wrong. How do you think standing up to him made things worse?
I would be upset about my children going away with an estranged parent, it would be so hard to bear. If the court has left it up to the children then all you can do is support them and their decision.
Do you think he will harm your children? If he presents a real danger to them then the court should be told.
I'm glad your daughter is feeling better physically. It sounds as if she needs to speak to the curator again to sort out what she wants to do about the holiday.
You will cope with this, even if they go for three weeks and are happy to go, you have them the rest of the time and you are the main carer. It will be strange and difficult, but you might even get a bit of time to sort yourself out without the distraction of the children.

Must be awful seeing her so upset. Maybe she'll feel differently about it when she's had chance to get her head around things a bit.

I don't know your situation well enough to comment really but it strikes me that what has happened is you've stood up to someone who was hurting you (and therefore your children), that person has then disappeared from your children's lives and suddenly reappeared with little or no thought for how this will affect them.

As you are dealing with the fall out from another persons irresponsible behaviour blaming yourself is really unfair. Just try to give yourself a break. You really deserve one.

Sorry you're having such a stressful time

but if they go for 3 weeks and she doesnt want to go, when she comes back she will be soo angry with me I will be battered stupid not them, they can all sit in their nice offices and say oh thats a shame about rhksmum, oh well next case.

He doesn't present a danger to them physically but its always about him, what he wants, not what they want, or what they need.

I knew he would come out looking the good guy, that they wouldn't hear what the kids wanted but I soo wanted to be wrong

I should know by now that what he wants he gets and not to mess with him

rhk I might be picking this up wrongly, but it sounds as if your children have a choice to go for a shorter time or not at all if they say so. This is all about the children isn't it.
From my experience with social services they place a lot of store on what the children say.
It doesn't seem fair to make them go if they don't want to, or to make them go for three weeks when they don't feel comfortable.
This seems far from a done deal, especially if you think your daughter is unhappy with what your ex has proposed.
Do you still have access to the curator because if you do I would say phone tomorrow and explain that you think your daughter is unhappy with the proposal.
Are the two boys OK with it?
It is awful that you are afraid for your daughter to go away because you think she will beat you up afterwards.
If that weren't the case and she didn't beat you and she wanted to go would you be unhappy?

After taking my daughter back to the curators office this afternoon she told the curator she was agreeable to go for 7-10 days, but not 3 weeks, but by the time she phoned me back it had changed to he would bring them back on day 10 if she was upset and told him she wanted to go home. He wont do that because she wouldnt tell him she wanted to go home, she's a people pleaser. She would wait until she came home and then all that anger would be aimed at me.

He doesn't seem to hear what the children want, its about what he wants.
A 3 week break would be lovely since I haven't had a break for them for nearly a year, but what makes his holiday more important than mine?

He's not my oldests sons dad, so he doesn't have to go, not that he was invited, my youngest son is sayig he wants to go for 3 weeks but then comes off the phone saying he'll go same as his sister

I'm going to phone social work in the morning to se if they can phone the curator and try and explain what my daughter is like, they have known her for years so maybe that will help the curator understand her a bit better and it wont look like I'm being obstinent(if thats the right word)

I think I would still be a bit unhappy that she had to go for the 3 weeks, more so because I would worry about her, worry about them both and the affect of not seeing their dad for nearly a year and then getting thrown in with 2 step brother, 1/2 brother and sister, grandparents, aunty and uncle and their 2 kids would have on them, it may be alright, but ti may be too much for them, I dont know but he only seems worried about this holiday and nothing else.

Guess it's just a waiting game

rhk I think you are doing the right thing in planning to phone the curator again, as you say, she may have difficulty expressing her needs. To be honest I think a lot of children would find it difficult to upset a large group like that.
On the other hand, you may be under-estimating your daughter, she might surprise you and make a big fuss about coming home.
However, it is better to get it all ironed-out, especially when you feel you can't do that with their dad.
Your youngest son sounds like a little sweetie, is he quite easy-going?
I'm pooped, did a big walk to and from work today and now I'm feeling the effects, think I need to go to bed.
Obstinate, no you are not. I'm liking the cross rhk though. That's what we like to see, use that anger to motivate yourself.
I was thinking about the breathing today and I think it might be better to try it when you aren't stressed, just to practice. A good time is when you are walking or doing something mundane, like washing-up. If you do a count when you breathe in, but not when you breathe out it can be easier, and count to ten then start again, on a loop.
Also classical music is quite good for relaxing and you can do breathing to that as well.

Setting aside the fact that this is a difficult situation and you are worried about your daughter, the time away could be very good for you all.

It might be a bit intimidating going away with such a large group, but equally it might be lots of fun for the kids once they settle in.

It will give you a much needed break and time to concentrate a bit on yourself- it must be impossible with 3 kids to look after. You will have time to work on the exercises the psychologist gave you. You could also look into strategies for dealing with your daughter's violent behaviour. It's so much easier to make a plan when you're not in the middle of a situation- Parentline and your SW could help you put some ideas together so instead of being scared of her behaviour when she returns, you feel like you have a chance of deflecting it.

I know this is far from an ideal situation but maybe you can turn it to your advantage?

How are you getting on today rhk?

hmm today, well phoned cpn, fell apart, phoned homelink worker fell apart, lawyer phoned, asked how things were, told her my daughter was still upset.
She said that Sheriff had said that their dad could take them to spain but for no more than 10 days.
Then she phoned back to say the dates that he could book the flights back for, turned out he was taking them for 16 days, lawyer said toask my daughter what she wanted, she said she didnt want to go for 16 days, 10 was the most she wanted, i said her dad couldn't get that so she said she doesnt want to go, so they both aren't going now because he wouldn't do what the sheriff asked him to do.

Spoke to social worker, shes not happy, said kids shouldn't have been put in that possition in the first place, that they needed a gradual build up before sending them on a 3 week holiday. She did say she was very proud of my daughter for finally speaking up and saying what she wanted.

My daughter is really worried about speaking to her dad, he has phoned 7 times tonight, she has ignored all calls, he has now left a message saying he will call her at 9 in the morning, so yet again she has gone to bed worried.

I think she wants to go to Spain but for no longer than 10 days and he's not listening, he's not hearing that she wants to see him but on her terms this time not his.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, the kids weren't supposed to suffer,this was supposed to make this better, but instead my kids are upset.

I'm so tired, tired of this, tired of him, tired of life.

Cpn is due in tomorrow and I dont want her to come, dont want her to seethe mess I'm in

You made the right decision by phoning all these people and it is fine to fall apart. Let them see you are struggling so they can help. You trying to keep strong for cpn is pointless!!

And congrats on knowing that you had to contact social work re your daughter and you were right and now she's been able to say what she wants.

You've done a brilliant job today. I'm sure you feel flat and exhausted but you did the right things!

rhk, I completely agreee with Will, you have done a great job. It was hard for you, but you stuck to your guns, and so has your daughter.
Your ex is going to have to listen to his children.