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Original poster

I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

999 replies

rhksmum · 27/04/2010 13:43

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
rhksmum · 03/07/2010 09:19

No I didn't think you were saying that, I just wish it was as simple as seeing the words on the screen, I wish everything was as simple as that, but unfortunately its not, nothing feels like its simple, nothing feels easy.
I dont expect everything to be handed to me but I wish for once that something was easy, that it felt doable

My friends right, my kids are the way they are because of me, I cant put any of this on their dad as he flits in and out their lives as it suits him.
The sooner I admit I messed them up the better

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willsurvivethis · 03/07/2010 09:32

rhks what you said in your last post is so typical of your thinking at the moment - can you really not see how skewed it is??

You say their dad just flits in and out of their lives (ie by default he is never there when they need him and all kids need a dad...), their dad has also abused their mum therefore everything is your fault?

Are you really oblivious to the damage he is doing to them by the way he behaves?

Don't take blame that isn't yours...

Original poster
rhksmum · 03/07/2010 10:42

No, I know the damage he's done to them, but this past year he has not seen them some bad things have happened and come to light. He has had no involvement apart from phonecalls every now and then.

I dont know what to think anymore, I'm trying the hardest I can but it never seems enough.

I'm sorry, having a bad morning

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willsurvivethis · 03/07/2010 11:18

By not seeing them he is doing damage to them too especially as you are not well.

rowingboat · 03/07/2010 19:42

rhk will is right. Not having a parent isn't necessarily as easy as having one. Your ex disappearing into the woodwork doesn't mean he doesn't influence your children's behaviour.
He sounds as if he has caused a lot of trouble.

I can imagine how upsetting it must have been when your friend told you about her partner's comments.
I would be gutted if somebody told me they didn't want their child to play with mine because of his behaviour. To be honest I know of people who don't want my son to play with theirs and quite frankly it's their call.
You have enough to worry about without thinking about what your friend's partner said, I'm sorry they have upset you and I agree they probably could have found another time to mention their concerns.
You are doing your best, nobody can ask for more and nobody can do more than their best. You will get there in the end, not long to go and the court date will be behind you and you will be able to move on.

If you get five minutes tonight try the counting breathing thing, it is very simple and is a good start. My ex used to go to a meditation class and he told me about what he did and how it worked, but I wasn't convinced it would do anything. However, I was curious to try and it definitely did make me feel a lot calmer during some very stressful situations.

What are you up to this weekend?

Original poster
rhksmum · 03/07/2010 20:26

Am so tired, can't think straight, head is so sore, I'm popping pills like there's no tomorrow and right now I wish there was no tomorrow or the next day, or the day after, or any other day.

Tried 3 times to phone someone but kept hanging up when they answered, cant find the words.

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rowingboat · 03/07/2010 23:16

rhk please be careful with the pills. It is easy to get mixed-up with them.
Can you just sit and watch TV and just breathe.
Pelican Brief's on, I'm just about to watch it for the umpteenth time.

rowingboat · 04/07/2010 11:07

rhk how are you today? I hope you are feeling better than last night.
Are you doing anything today?

Original poster
rhksmum · 04/07/2010 19:56

I think today has been one of my worst days, have spent most of the day going from hiding in my room to needing to get clean.
My anxiety is through the roof, dont know if it's bcause of tomorrow or if it's because my daughters not well again.
I' trying to do the breathing thing but it's just making more panicy because I cant get it right, I'm going from not breathing enough, to breathing too much and getting dizzy.
My head is so messed up, I just need it to go away, all of it

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rowingboat · 04/07/2010 20:16

rhk I think you are right about the court thing, you got into a state before the hospital appointment as well.
It is totally normal to feel anxious about this kind of stuff, it's big!
Thank goodness on Tuesday it will be over and you can sit back and relax.
Oh dear about the breathing. Don't worry if you can't get the hang straight away, I don't want you to hyper-ventilate and fall over, that wouldn't help you at all.
I think Hairy and Will had suggestions to help with anxiety as well, perhaps they could give you some pointers.
There are quite a few videos on You tube for breathing and relaxation, which will either help you or drive you up the wall. It might be worth watching one, even as a distraction from your troubled head.
I didn't realise your daughter was ill again, is this quite recent? Do you think she might be reacting to the court date as well?

Original poster
rhksmum · 04/07/2010 20:37

She's complaining of pain behind her ear, she put earings in the other day and hasn't wore them in a while, so now its looking yuky, but shes complaining that she is sore on her head behind the ear, is very flushed and warm, looks exactly like she did before she ended up in hospital the last time.
Will phone the GP in the morning and see what they say

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rowingboat · 04/07/2010 21:52

It sounds like an infection has been triggered by the earring. Does she seem OK other than the swelling? If she is developing a temperature perhaps it is worth calling NHS 24 to see what they advise. It will put your mind at ease.
I used to do that kind of thing all the time, with the infected ears and dodgy earrings. I don't wear them any more, but I can only get away with silver or gold shafts on the earring or trouble follows.
It was a bit of a craze to pierce your own ears when I was at high school, I'm surprised our ears didn't drop off with the number of infections we had. Still here to tell the tale though.

Original poster
rhksmum · 04/07/2010 21:57

Shes really quiet and complaining shes tired, she has had calpol and nurofen and has gone to bed, will phone gp in morning if shes no better, or NHS24 through the night if she gets worse, it just fels like de ja vu, this is how she started last time, then within 24 hrs she collasped

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rowingboat · 04/07/2010 22:01

rhk to be honest if this is what happened last time I would phone NHS 24 and tell them what has happened. They will probably phone you back and go over the details. They may well think bed is the best place for her, but they may think she should get checked out today.

rowingboat · 04/07/2010 22:36

rhk how are you getting on?

Original poster
rhksmum · 04/07/2010 22:43

She's asleep, still looks flushed but I'm hoping that it will help her. If she wakes and looks like she did when she went to sleep I will call someone.
I'm hoping she's just really nervous about tomorrow, but I'm not sure.

I feel crap that I question everything I do, thats partly why she ended up so unwell before hand, I didn't trust my judgement,

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rowingboat · 04/07/2010 23:08

It's easy to do rhk. I think British people are loathe to make a fuss and we are quite stoic about hurting ourselves or being ill physically or mentally: it has to be very bad before we do anything about it.
Hopefully she will be a lot better after some sleep, it is quite warm at night so it is easy to look flushed.
The worry over children never ends does it!
Do you do any exercise classes or anything like that during the week? I was thinking it might help you to feel more relaxed if you haven't tried it already.

Original poster
rhksmum · 04/07/2010 23:38

I joined the gym last year, have managed a couple of times, but then the anxiety of going got so bad I ended up in hospital over night with chest pains

I just feel like its one thing after another with the kids just now, that will teach me not to say that my kids are never at the doctors.

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rowingboat · 04/07/2010 23:52

Oh dear, sounds like the gym is not the place for you. Are you more of a walker?
I am on the heavy side and I've been running in my garden using the couch to 5K thing on the internet.
It sounds as if you need to do little things, and take little steps and not big changes.
If you didn't have any issues with anxiety what would be the first thing you would do?

Original poster
rhksmum · 04/07/2010 23:58

I would love to be able to leave the house without worrying someone was waiting to get me

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rowingboat · 05/07/2010 00:01

Is the worrying about someone waiting because you live near your family and ex?

Original poster
rhksmum · 05/07/2010 00:08

my family are about 2 hrs away and my ex is 4 hrs away, although i do worry my family will just turn up, they've made it very clear that I have brought shame on them.
It all comes back to the trust, I see everyone as some one that has the potential to hurt me.
If I try to get the bus and there is too many people on it i cant get on it, I've seen me let 4 or 5 buses go by before I can get on it, and if it gets too busy when im on it I have to get off.

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rowingboat · 05/07/2010 00:28

I'm glad you aren't living around the corner from them, that would awful for you.
It's laughable that they think you have brought shame on them. Shame is the minimum they should have to experience.
The truth we could all hurt each other, but most people choose not to treat people the way your parents treated you.
I can't stand buses myself, they can get claustrophobic and the always seem to have the heater on, even in August.
You seem like somebody living in a war zone, but you don't live in a war zone you are just up at that level of anxiety, so that when something stressful happens there isn't anywhere to go and it pushes you over the edge.

Original poster
rhksmum · 05/07/2010 00:37

I think that about sums up what it feels like.
I think sometimes it would be easier if I did stay round the corner from them as at least I wouldn't feel so stupid being scared as there would be a genuine reason for it.

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rowingboat · 05/07/2010 00:43

You don't need to feel silly about your anxiety. It is perfectly understandable and you can't help it and what's more you are doing everything you can to help yourself along.
It's such a pity about being scared to go out because it is so nice at the moment. Are you OK with friends with you?