I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

rhk it is a nightmare when you have to tiptoe around people. I'm sure you know all about that with your past. Not wanting to 'start anything'.
I think that your daughter feels safer with you than you felt with your parents. She thinks you will allow her to vent her frustrations and not disown her or worse. It seems like a back-handed compliment, but I do think you are providing her with the love and support that she didn't have.
One thought I had was that if she did know about your attempts, she might be punishing you for trying to leave her.
Another thing I remember at school was the 'being cool' and 'being tough' thing. I think teenage girls have this big 'face-saving' thing where they have to hide any weakness (kindness, consideration) or lose face in front of their friends.
Good for you speaking to her, you probably will just have to keep chipping away and hope some of it goes in. Eventually, your consistency will pay off.
Do you think she would respond to having a definite 'nice thing' that she would have when it was her turn? I'm thinking of her knowing she will have a treat, as long as she can control her frustration when the others have a treat.
Around my area there are Summer activities which are more aimed at older children, like drama, street dance or recording songs, just wondering if there might be any more 'cool' things in your area that she could do (to give you a break and get her energy focussed) and as a treat?
She might feel a bit more relaxed now she is out of the bullying at school, she could be acting out at home because school is too hard to cope with mentally.
I hope the tent expidition goes well today and you all get the chance to sit on the grass and have a doughnut or something.
Off to work now, but will come back later.
There will be a time when you will look back and give yourself a big pat on the back for helping your children and building a good relationship with them, even through the hard times.

How did it go today, rhksmum?

Keep reasoning with your daughter, it's a good example to her and some of it will sink in eventually. If there is stuff going on at school, that might explain her recent outbursts. That text is REALLY nasty.

Have you tried talking to her about any of this when she's calm? I agree she could be behaving this way with you because it's 'safe' for her to do so. She won't let her guard down elsewhere and she probably has a lot of frustration and stress going on. It needs to stop though for all your sakes- she won't be feeling good about her behaviour and it's awful for you to deal with.

Must be so hard to cope with when you've got so much going on personally. You must be shattered with it all. I'm sure these counselling sessions she has coming up will help but you need help too. Just some strategies for dealing with her behaviour so it doesn't all feel so out of control. I really hope your new SW are more use. If they aren't, I'm sure there are other resources for you to try. Aside from Parentline, I know that RELATE offer family counselling- might be worth asking your GP for a referral? Otherwise you have to pay but it's often according to your means.

Goodness, didn't mean to go on so much! Good luck with the curator tomorrow, let us know how you get on.

Today was horrible
I feel empty, hurt, lost.
She was so nice.
I feel like I'm messing everything up big time. Dont have her now for 4 weeks.

Homelink workers were ok, tried to explain my fears about my daughter going to highschool but dont think I did a very good job of it.
Argued with my friend beause she doesn't seem to get why I'm struggling with everything just now.

I think maybe I should just let my ex have the kids, I'm doing a pretty crap job of looking after them and if he had them then I wouldn't have to be here anymore.

Seems to me that you're doing your best by them which is more than can be said for a lot of people. Takes a heroic effort from you just to keep going, remember that when you're giving yourself a hard time.

Must be a bit scary contemplating the next few weeks. Try scheduling something in each week that is just for you so it's not all about the kids day in day out. I shouldn't say this but doesn't everyone secretly dread the summer holidays...

Does your friend know why you're having such a hard time?

Yes my friend knows I'm having a hard time, but everything is always about her, no one else matters.
I think my other friends are sick of hearing about whats going on, which is why I've shut down talking to them about whats going on.

My youngest is already been grounded for the rest of this week for doing something really bad.
I'm beginning to wonder what the point is in all of this, why do I put myself through it day in day out.

It doesn't matter anymore

rhk what happened with the psychologist? Why did it leave you feeling so empty?
Is your ex actually after full custody or access? If it is more access it might not be such a bad thing, you might get a bit of time to yourself to relax. Bringing up three children alone is hard work, especially with no family support. You are doing your best. Tell yourself that you are doing your best and not how rubbish you are.
huge hug!

If I'm honest I dont know what happened today in the session, I didn't seen to be in the room very much. Ex as far as I know only wants access but I wouldn't be surprised if he pulls something else out the bag on Monday in court. Cant stop crying tonight have come upstairs so I dont have to put on a brave face in front of my oldest. I just want it to go away but it wont.

I didn't realise the court date was so close. Not long and it will be behind you.
Do you mind him having access?
Try to get a bit of sleep though if you can.
Did you try the breathing?

It's not really about what I want, if the kids want to see him then I'll support them in doing that the best I can and the same if they decide they dont want to see him.
It's not about what we want, it's about what the kids want, but he seems to forget that and it's always been about what he wants.

I dont feel great at all today, gonna phone psychologist, need to try calm down and keep a level head but had a really bad night with nightmares and flashbacks.

1/2 an hour and she will be here, feel sick, cant shift this headache.
Spoke to psychologist briefly, told me I need to phone crisis team or a support line before I end up doing something, she's going into a meeting just now and will phone me before she leaves for the day.

My head is a mess, dont know what I'm doing, trying to keep it together until at least the curator has been but dont think I'm doing a very good job of it.

She came and was lovely, told me he was an arse, dread to think what she'll tell him about me!!
She is going to suggest that he has them once a month, if he can't commit to that then he doesn't see the kids again.

I thought I would be relieved now that it is over until Monday, and I am about that, but I'm still struggling, still really anxious.
I dont know what to do with myself, I have this image going around in my head that wont go away.
I dont know anymore, fed up, had enough, feel so lonely, not sure how much more I can take of this, I feel like shit, feel really crappy, dont want to do this anymore but dont have a choice.

Glad it went well with the curator. at her calling him an arse!

Sorry you're feeling so bad, though. You have so much on your plate, don't blame you for being tired of it. Like rowingboat says, just being a single parent to 3 children is hard enough without all the other shite you have to contend with.

It will get easier, though. It's all made much harder by your depression and anxiety and the trauma you've suffered in your life. You're getting help with all of that and have come so far already.

This thought that's going round your head, have you tried blocking it? Think of your best memory, the happiest moment of your life. When this horrible image comes into your head, close your eyes, say 'STOP', count 3 deep breaths and think of the good thing. Do it 100 times if you have to. It's something to do even if it doesn't work straight away.

Do you all have to attend the hearing on Monday?

Thanks
No I dont have to attend on Monday, dont think I could bare to look at his smug face without wanting to hit him.

Am losing the plot tonight even more than normal, didn't think it was possible to cry for soo long, think I only managed to stop when curator came in, when she left I ended up sobbing my heart out.

Psychologist said she would phone me back at tea time but hasn't so guess thats it for the next 4 weeks until my next appointment.
I need to phone someone but everytime I go to pick up the phone I see hundreds of spiders crawling all over it.

i really am losing it

Just saw this on another thread and thought of you:

"I was once told that children who play up for their parents, and behave well for other people do so because they are very secure in their parents love."

Don't know if it makes you feel any better but I think it's probably true.

That's grim about the spiders. You know that's just your mind trying to stop you from getting the help you need though, right? If you pick up the phone, you'll be able to talk to someone and feel better. All mental illness is really good at perpetuating itself. You know this though, and can ignore the part of you that doesn't want to get better.

Try the thought blocking, or clean the phone,or wear marigolds- whatever you need to do, don't let it beat you though. The spiders aren't there. The fear you feel is real enough but just take a few deep breaths and pick up that phone.

Willing you on here, rhksmum.

HM yes I have heard that before, just very hard to accept it when your the one on the recieving end of a very angry and aggressive 12 year old.

Cant think straight or rationally at all just now, everything feels soo wrong, doesn't matter, dont have anywords, messed up enough for now

I'll bet it is, esp when your self esteem is already so low .

Hope things calm down for you and you can get some sleep. Do call someone if not.

Why does she do this too me?
She said she'd phone at tea time yesterday and didn't, the voices were having a wild time telling me that I didn't matter, that she is just all talk, will say anything to shut me up.
Then this morning the phone goes, it was her, apologising for not phoning me, asking about the curator.
Now I feel like shit, I shouldn't have doubted her, beginning to wonder if she's a Mumsnetter as the 2 times I posted to say she hadn't phoned when she said she would she phones me from home.

I feel like I cant trust my judgement, cant trust what I feel because it's always wrong.

It's not you doubting her, it's the voices. You've put a lot of trust in her and opened up about a lot of scary things, of course it's going to make you feel vulnerable.

It's fine to worry, anyone would. Hopefully, over time, you'll start to believe that there's nothing to worry about. You're definately not a bad person for it though.

rhk it sounds as if your curator is on your side. I know this is a stressful time for you. It would be stressful for anyone, you are completely normal in feeling upset and on the edge.
Even though is sounds as if your ex will have minimal access you can't help imagining that that court will turn round and grant him custody. It's human nature to imagine the worst, even when you know, rationally, that it is very, very unlikely.
Is there anything your GP can prescribe to get you through this stressful time.
On Tuesday you will look back and breathe a sigh of relief and be able to move on, and so will your children.
What did the children think about the curator's visit?
It's a pity that your psychologist has let you down with phone calls. I can't really comment on what the rest of her caseload is and why she gets so bogged-down that she ends up phoning patients from home.
She must be very busy, but she should be careful not to make too many promises if she isn't sure about her timescales.
You are going to get there, just put one foot in front of the other.
When the voices tell you you have been let down tell them you are supported your psychologist and social work and us of course.
Have you heard anything about the counsellor for your daughter?

Psychologist phoned me from home this morning before she went on holiday, thats why I felt so bad for thinking bad of her, she didn't have to phone me but she did.

The kids seemed to like the curator, when they the kids told her they hadn't had their birthday or christms presents off him she told them he needed a good slap.
She gave my daughter her phone number and said that they could call her anytime.

My daughter has an appointment next week for children 1st so hopefully she will want to work with her.

Went to buy my friends birthday present today but had to come home, couldn't get on the bus, couldn't breathe, another day wasted

rhk that all sounds very positive about the curator and the appointment next week for your daughter.
Don't give yourself a hard time because you are having anxiety attacks, it is perfectly understandable. It is also frustrating for you, but it is normal, lots of people have them.
Could you go to the GP about the panic attacks and see if you can get some help with them. I know we are all going on and on about the relaxation techniques, but you do need them. It is the thing you can do to help yourself towards a normal life, getting on buses until you reach your destination and little things like that. Those are the little things which will give you your freedom.

rowingboat makes a good point, you need help coping with the day to day stuff as well as the big issues you're dealing with.

When you see the psychologist again it might be worth asking her if she can help you with the anxiety attacks, just so you can get on and do what you need to do. I think freedom is the right word, imagine not being held back by fear any more.

That day will come, try not to be too disappointed about today. And shop on the internet!

Thanks both of you...I just wish it felt as simple as it reads.

Normally I'm very organised and have everything sorted but just now I haven't managed to do anything right.

My GP wont do anything without the say so of the psychiatrist who has disapeard off the face of the earth right now.

I just have to get a grip and get on with it as no one else will or can do it for me.

I'm sorry
My friend has just told me me that if she had told her partner wht had happened he wouldn't have let their kids near mine.

I dont know what to do, they aren't bad kids, but they have their problems, mainly because I'm such a mess.

Please dont blame my kids because I'm such a screw up,it's not their fault, they didn't ask for me as a mum but I guess they are stuck with me.

I dont know what to do anymore, it's a mess

No it's not simple, sorry if you thought we were saying that. It is acheivable though, you can chip away at little chunks and piece your life back together.

Your friend didn't need to tell you that . Unless she was trying to illustrate the point that her DP is an arse. All kids have their problems. Especially at the ages of your 3. It is easy for you to blame yourself but remember that none of this is your fault in the first place. You're just doing your best in difficult circumstances and sod anyone that can't see that. People are quick to judge, doesn't mean they have a point.

You will all be fine, you're working so hard to make life better for your family and it will pay off eventually. Your kids are lucky to have you- I know you don't see it this way but I think you are so strong, the way you keep going is incredible. One day, when they're not stroppy teenagers anymore and maybe have families of their own, they'll look back and realise how amazing you are.