I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

Night rhk, I hope you get some sleep. I will check in tomorrow and see how you are, hopefully, better rested.

RHK, take care, speak again tomorrow. Try and get some sleep. Not sleeping since Chewsday is not good you know!

BTW chewsday is one of DS1's gems from nursery!

A whole hour, thats it, thats all I got.
Head is pounding like I dont know what, I'm shaking and feel really sick.
I need to go get teachers presents this morning, not looking forward to it, my daughters not happy about going but I cant leave the 3 of them in together or world war 40000000000 will break out again.

I feel like I'm on borrowed time, dont know how much longer I can do this for.

Funnys thats soo sweet what your son says for Tuesdays

RHK - I'd strongly suggest leaving the teachers presents today (just buy a little something next time you do a supermarket shop) - I'm not sure this should be a big priority for you today.
Get the children settled doing something quiet (DVD?) and try and grab an extra nap for yourself. The lack of sleep will be really clouding your thought processes and will only make you feel worse (says she, suffering from PN insomnia, so I know it's easier said than done).

rhk I hope you get the chance to have a nap or a lie-down. Agree with Pip you don't need to worry about teachers' presents. I don't suppose they will notice, or if you feel very strongly perhaps your eldest could go and buy some boxes of celebrations or something.

didn't get a sleep, too much going on.
No food in, had left it as long as I could, was avoiding it, avoiding going out, then my youngest had a birthday party to go to.
It's my friends wee boys birthday tomorrow so another busy day again.
House needs sorting for curator coming this week, but dont feel like I will make it to the end of the week feling like this, just want to sleep but I cant, I close my eyes and its like a is film playing and I cant stop it.

I'm physically drained, I have no energy for anything, I need to get a grip, get things sorted, but all I want to do is hide, to be able to cry without having to make excuses as to why I'm upset.

I dont know what or how to do this anymore without falling apart

rhk you need to eat something decent. Can you get a few bits and pieces and do an online shop for next week?
I'm not surprised you are exhausted after the week you have had, but things are moving for you and you are keeping busy doing nice things like the birthday.
I know it reminds you of your childhood and you are grieving, but it is nice to see little kids being daft and eating cakes and avoiding all the fruit.
Could you go to the GP and see if you could get some sleeping tablets? I know they are addictive, but they can help in times of crisis, for a short time.
Soon the curator's visit will be over and you will be able to tick that box - done!
It's a good job your friend is coming over to help you, will take half the time.
What is the film playing to you? Can you write it down and get it out of your head?
You are doing really well, you can do it!

OK, RHK, hide for tonight, but don't forget we will be looking for you on the morning. Hiding is a fab thing to do, it keeps you sane.

See you in the am.

BTW you do know that you can't keep living like this? Something has to give, you can't do everything.

I'm not surprised you're exhausted- life gets so busy, especially with children.

Lack of sleep is bloody awful too. It makes all your other symptoms ten times worse. I've had a few periods of insomnia and end up a nervous wreck, can't think straight or cope with anything. Agree it might be worth talking to your GP about something to help you sleep- maybe check it out with your psychologist first, she might have some 'switch off' techniques she can teach you. Huge, huge sympathy though, it's awful not sleeping.

I know you've got a lot on but do try to get a break where you can. I know exactly what you mean about the film when you close your eyes too. It's partly the lack of sleep causing you to feel a bit wired and partly anxiety- which causes the lack of sleep in the first place. It's a vicious circle. So unfair, you'd feel much more able to cope after a good nights sleep.

It might be worth trying a relaxation CD- it might not cure the insomnia but a soothing voice to listen to is a distraction from your busy mind at least.

Hope tonight is better xx

rhk how are you today? What are you up to?

Am really tired.
Have my friends wee boys birthday today to go to so need to put my happy face on, let the world think I'm coping when all I want to do is collaspe in a heap but I cant, the show must go on as they say.

rhk, I know you feel tired. See if you can sit down and relax at the party and have something nice to eat.
Just let the world go by as much as possible and try to rest.
I hope you can enjoy the party a bit.

Not going to party now, daughters kicked off, all my fault ofcourse, her friends not in, she cant find her purse, so thats it, we're all in for the day, cant take the chance that she wont kick off at my friends like she did last week, cant have the other kids scared because of her.
Whats the point ? because right now I haven't got a clue

rhk does she want to go? Can you do a deal with her where she can only have the computer if she keeps it together at the party.
Would she be able to help at the party, to keep her busy?

rhk how are you getting on? I hope your headache has subsided.

Headache stillm here, nurse at the dr's says its just stress related and noamount of painkillers are going to get rid of it, I have to reduce my stress levels

Have tidyed the house from top to bottom, guinea pigs have a nice new cage,kids have only 1 day left at schooleand thwn thats it.

My daughters still in a foul mood, not sure what to do anymore, feel like I'm walking on egg shells with her, I'm actually scared of her.

Only managed 2 hours sleep over past few days, I'm crabbit and bad tempered, but on a plus note I have a tidy house that I can be crabbit and bad tempered in.

This is going to sound so patronising but thats absolutely brilliant that youve cleaned the house from top to bottom considering how exhausted you are. Honestly thats no small achievement x

Thanks
Hopefully now I'll sleep tonight

Is the curator coming tomorrow? Hope you get a good nights sleep anyway.

No she's not coming until Thursday.
My lawyer phoned and said the curator got it wrong and doesn't want to speak to me, she wants to get the views of the children and then will decide from there if she needs to speak to me and/or ex.

Hadn't told the kids as I thought it was just me that she wanted to speak to and kids weren't going to be here. Now I need to tell them, tried tonight but my daughter was in a foul mood still.
Social worker is in tomorrow so will see if she will help me tell the kids that someone is coming to see them on Thursday.
I'm scared that it's all going to kick off after she's been or even before she's come.

Why is this so hard?
I only wanted some stability in the kids life, wanted them to see their dad on a regular basis on their terms, not mine or his, but it's not enough for him, he has to dictate where and when and to hell with anyone else.

rhk I hope you can manage to rest tonight.
I agree with everyone on here about the relaxation techniques. If you can't sleep try practising breathing to help you relax.
Even if you simply count every breath in as 1 and every breath out as 2, after about 20 minutes you should feel different.
I heartily recommend trying it, especially as you have time on your hands with the 24 hour being awake you are enduring at the moment. It doesn't matter if you think about other things, just start counting again if you get distracted. Eventually you might have a minute of just counting.
That is great work on the tidy house, now you can come round to my house, I need some help in that area.
I can imagine your guinea pigs are feeling very cosy in their new home.
It's not surprising you feel scared of your daughter's anger. Even though she seems not to care and laughs, she is a scared person inside, school and school work, friends and relationships are difficult and worrying at that age.
I hope your curator is a nice, helpful person who helps put you all at ease with the legal process.
I will check in tomorrow to see how you are getting on
My little boy finishes nursery for the Summer, I'm going to miss him when he starts school.

It's good she wants to speak to the kids,it might help your daughter to feel like she has some control over the situation rather than having someone else decide for her.

They will get to see their dad on their own terms now. It must be a worry going through this but you're doing the right thing for them.

Glad you've got a tidy house- it feels great,doesn't it? It's a distant memory for me but I agree it's a great acheivement.

Night.

Well thats it, schools finished for the summer holidays.
social workers been, told me that as well as a new worker we are getting a new senior, which is great as the senior we have now is not very nice at all.
While she was in my daughter was all swetness and light, said she had been beaving guess she has a twin then.
Social worker left so we got ready to go out to get my oldest his tent and she starts, she's hungary, she's bored, why does her brother get everything and she gets nothing, so we all came back in and now she's kicked off because her brother shouted at her for ruining it for him again.
Cant blame him, he always misses out because she starts her crap.

I dont know how to do this anymore, I'm barely keeping myself together and safe, I cant take much more of this Jekyl and Hyde that she's doing.

Is this ever going to get easier or better?
I only see one ending.

rhk it is great news that you have two new social workers if you don't think much of the ones you have.
I agree with the others that you could try the parentline to get advice on how to cope with your daughter.
Teenagers are a nightmare, I used to be one, they have huge fluctuations in hormones, they want to be independent, but can't actually cope with proper independence and they want to do everything today and the world is against them.
If you can just rise above it, apart from the violence, and be calm you won't get dragged into her drama so much.
Does she respond to reason, can you explain everyone gets a turn to get something they want and wouldn't it be rubbish if she never got a turn?
Roll on the counsellor for your daughter, give you a break.
Is your next session tomorrow?
Things are getting better, it will just take time. I mean, she can't be a teenager forever for one thing and eventually you will get back your lovely girl.
Does she know about your suicide attempts?

I think that's where I struggle, I dont know what 'norma' behaviour is, I cnt look back on my childhood and say 'yes I did that' because I didn't.
No matter how hard it got I never treated my mum or dad like she treats me and I had it bad, she doesn't have it like I did which is a good thing I know.

She doesn't know about me trying to end it, she knows I struggle, but sometimes its like she enjoys seeing it. She told the home link worker that she likes to make me cry and see me upset, so I guess in part she knows what she's doing sometimes.

I was checking her phone yesterday because she was being really secretive and some wee cretin from school had sent her a text calling her a 'retarded slut', why are kids soo cruel and nasty.

Have psychologist today, last session for 3 weeks and I'm dreading it, although I try not to use her between sessions I know she is there if that makes sense.

We are going to try and go for my oldest tent again today, we will see how far we get.
I have tried to explain to her that it's not always about her, that her brothers need to get things to, but she's not interested, she seems to take great pleasure in upsetting the whole house.
When she started yesterday I told her brothers to ignore her, but my oldest said 'why should we all walk on eggshells round her, I'm not scared of her, I'll just hit her back if she starts with me'
I can see his point, we shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her, but he can hit her back if she hits him, I cant.