I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

rhk just wanted to say hi and say how well you are doing at giving your daughter a chance to have goodemories.
it's natural and, I think, healthy to grieve the loss of a normal childhood' I am going to come over there and organise a prom for you (rhk hides).
once again your friends are showing their support and that they care for you,which shows that theu think that you are a good person
I am not an expert about the court system, but could your cpn tell you anything about the process, or refer you onto someone who can advise you in simple terms?
Take care!

I think I've pissed her off,
She asked me why I needed her to hate me soo much, I tried to explain but I dont think I did a very good job of it
Me and my bloody mouth, I should learn to keep it shut.

I know I'm probably reading too much into it but I cant help but wonder. If I was her I would have got shot of me along time ago.

My head is a jumbled mess, I felt like I wasted this mornings session, we spoke about my daughter and she is going to speak to CAMHS and see if anything can be done there, but too be honest she has tried before and its not made any difference, but who knows maybe this time it will and for the first time she actualy finishd the session, said that unfortunatly my time was up, which again then led me to believe that she was pissed off with me.

Spoke with my lawyer this morning and she is gonna speak to the curator tomorrow just so she can put my mind at rest, she says that it is normal to want to see round the house, just to make sure I dont have anything dangerous in here.

She was trying to get you to think about it - that's why she asked. Not because she took it personal or was irritated by it or whatever!!!

And if she had to finish the session it means you have been talking, that's good!

No she finished the session because I gave up talking, we ended up with a deathly silence, I saw her looking at the clock and then she said times up

but was time up??

ok, I didn't piss her off.
I just phoned her and she says I didn't, she said that I'm seeing everything through a filter again, she says that because I expected her to hate me and she didn't I had a wobble and started to see things that weren't there and then it led to the voices having a field day with my fear.

She isn't stopping seeing me anytime soon so I need to try and put that out of my head, she says if I want to stop seeing her she will only agree if I'm making a lucid decsion, which right now I'm not capable of doing where seeing her is concerned.

So why am I struggling to believe her?
Why does it feel like she's just telling me anything to shut me up?

Yes time was up, but thats the first time she has really clock watched, and I guess it threw me too.

Rhk it sounds as if you are stuck with her,in a good way. I would have thought it would take a good few sessions before you would be comfortable telling her a lot about your past, So there are bound to be a few awkward silences.
It sounds like good news that sch is getting help for your daughter
Do you know why you want her to hate you?

Rhks I want to hug her for giving you that response. She's not even really wiling to let you go even if you said you wanted to. Allow her to convince you a bit at a time. This should give you enough strength to go to the next session and give it another go. There is no need to look further ahead than that.

I guess I want her to hate me because I hate myself.

I need her to be disgusted with me like I am with myself.

I need her to see me like I see me.

Willsurvive I'm trying hard to believe that she's not going to give up on me but it's so hard. After next week she's off for 3 weeks and I'm panicing already, it's stupid I know, I dont want to feel reliant on her, on anyone, even if I dont contact her between sessions I know she's there, like a kind of safety net

RHKS, you are starting to talk in riddles again.

You need to trust people, hard as it may be. You will only be able to see a way out if you do.

I am still not sure what you're problem are. Don't live in Scotland, so hard to read between the lines.

I don't doubt that they are serious, but you need to think clearly and rationally.

Hope you are OK, obv having a very hard time.

Funnies rhks is not talking in riddles - makes perfect sense where I'm coming from. And i can tell you from experience that telling someone they've got to trust is not helpful really. If there's one thing that child ab*se really takes away it is trust and you can be an adult and still fight to trust.

And yes not so long ago a friend told me he loved me and I said can't you call me a slut that's a great deal easier to handle.

If you hate yourself and feel bad, dirty and disgusting and always have done it is actually very hard and positively painful if someone just persistently cares for you.

yes, I know that WST, but you have to start somewhere. I don't know, and am not qualified to comment on the specifics, but without any kind of trust you will keep going round and round in circles.

Child abuse is terribly corrosive.

Perhaps if she hated you, or did not have time for you, you would be able to justify no longer going to the sessions or confiding in her. And then you wouldn't have to face shining a light on your experiences (totally understandably).

It sounds as though she is planning to stick around whether it's comfortable for you or not.... I really hope you can work together and make some progress.

piprabbit Your right and thats what I said to her yesterday, that if she hated me I could justify telling her I wasn't coming back.
After what I told her last week she had every right to hate me, but she didn't and it threw me, I wobbled and went into panic mode.
I've told her things I've never told anyone and it's making me feel really vulnerable and if I'm honest really scared.
I'm struggling to get my head round why she would still want to listen to me, to help me when she's heard some of the things I've done.

It's just really hard to accept someone would want to help me, be nice to me without wanting to hurt me.

It must be scary being so far out of your comfort zone. I suppose what she has said goes against everything you believe about yourself. But you do deserve to be looked after and cared for, just like everyone else. I can't tell you how pleased I am that you've finally found someone who can really help you move forward.

Have you considered ways to fill the 3 week gap? Your psychologist might have suggestions but what about writing her a letter every week when you would normally see her? Or doing something nice for yourself?

It is very scary, it's something I'm not used to or feel comfortable in.
She said she realised that I was tying to sabotaging the sessions but she was just ignoring it, my cpn says the same, they realise what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

The first week she's off the CPN is coming to see me, not sure what I'm doing the 2nd week, the 3rd week I'm supposd to be going away for a few days and then she's back the following week, but if she's doing what she did last year she will only be back for 1 week then off till the kids go back to school middle of August.

Social worker phoned, shes moving departments so we are getting a new one, not sure how I feel about that.
She also said that they now have a counsellor for my daughter so hopefully the 6 week slot she has will help her.

That's brilliant news about the counsellor for your daughter. Hopefully will make life easier for all of you.

Do you get on with your social worker? I seem to remember she wasn't all that great. If so maybe it's no bad thing she's moving.

I know it's a very different situation but I struggle with people being good to me. If you don't feel like you deserve it, you try to make them hate you. Old habits die hard but they do die. I think you're doing really well and I detect a glimmer of hope in your posts. It's lovely to see.

cant find the DSi games - kick
cant get DSi to work - door slammed
cant find charger - punch
All my fault of course because I lost the games, ran the DSi out of charge and hid the charger

Where did I go wrong?
Sat here in tears
Is this really worth it?
Because right now I'm beginning to wonder

Oh no, poor you

Anyone would feel out of their depth with this. I wouldn't have the first clue what to do. She's obviously angry to lash out like that but it's not fair on you. I'm sure the counselling will help her immensely but you need help dealing with this too. Have you seen this? It's the parentline advice on dealing with agressive children. The helpline number is there too, might help to talk to a sympathetic stranger?

You'll get through this, you need some support with it though.

How are things now- has she calmed down?

RHKS, you know this is normal kids/family stuff. Yes enough to make you flip your lid, I do all the time, BUT don't let it derail you.

Twill be fine. You didn't go wrong at all. Kids are a nightmare to deal with at the best of times.

You are doing great. Have a good night and speak again in the am

It is normal in this house for me to be punched, kicked, bit, swore at, things thrown at me, holes kicked in doors, my stuff broke.

I get that the DSi stuff is normal, but to be hurt by my 12 year old daghter is starting to feel like a normal part of my life.

I remember sayingto senior social worker last year about what he would suggest if it was an adult doing this to me, he said that he would tell me that they had to leave or I would risk losing my children, when I said why is it so different then for a child hitting me, and in some ways she has done more damage to me than my dad did when he was hitting me, he said its different, it cant be that bad.
So if social work who deal with and see all different types of behaviour cant see it as a problem then how can I expect anyone else to, after all they are the ones that open the doors to other services.

She calmed down after midnight last night, after she wrecked the living room, had her brother in tears.

HM Thankyou, I had a quick look at that link, will look at it properly when I come back from the church service this morning and phone them.

Of course it's bad, I don't know why they would say that it's not. Maybe (I hope) the SW meant that she has less control over her behaviour than an adult and that it's normal/ common for an upset child to behave this way. Not on to suggest it's in any way acceptable, though. It's not good for any of you- and must really hurt your feelings.

I don't know why they haven't offered her help in finding a different way to deal with her anger and frustration. They need to support you as well. Hope parentline is of some use- you can chat online during office hours if you don't want to speak to someone.

rhk, hi I'm back from holiday. Sorry I couldn't reply properly to your posts, the phone I was using was a nightmare, very slow and annoying.
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter using violence against you, it isn't fair and it isn't right.
Can you get away from her when she is violent, like go next door or go out until she calms down, or even contact a women's refuge where you might be able to go for an hour or so. If necessary you could take your youngest with you.
She can't feel good seeing the mess she has made of the house after the rage has subsided.
Very good news about the counsellor, this could be the turning-point she needs. I'm sure she doesn't want things to continue like this either. It isn't doing her any favours in dealing with stress like this or being so upset about such insignificant things.
It's interesting that you think you are trying to sabotage the sessions. I can imagine how scary and horrendous it must be to even contemplate revealing your darkest secrets. I shudder at the thought and I don't have anywhere near to the baggage that you do.
You are being amazing to go and share your past. It does sound as if it will all be worth it, when you have brought everything out into the light and taken the tremendous burden from your shoulders.
Parentline sounds like a good suggestion, even it if just gives you a couple of suggestions or strategies to try to help your daughter express her rage without hurting the people she loves.

Rowingboat
Please dont be sorry for not replying properly, it's ok.
Did you have a nice holiday?

When she starts you cant get away, she doesn't let you, I know I'm an adult and she is just a child but she is very strong, very persistant, she doesn't care where she is when she starts, we have been in the middle of Glasgow and she's started, she's laughed at the police when they have been called to the hose because of what shes doing. Nothing scares her and that scares me.

I dont feel like I'm being amazing to go and share, it feels like I am betraying them, it feels soo wrong.

My daughter had her leaving service this morning at school and it was horrible but in a nice way, she's going to high school, she's growing up and its really scarey.

I'm going to go to my bed now, have a pounding headache that wont go away no matter how many painkillers I take, I need to try and get some sleep, haven't slept since tuesday and even then it was only a few hours.