I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

Hope the sun is shining where you are today.

Away until sunday but will be checking in

rhk sorry I couldn't come back last night. I didn't mean you were too nice in a bad way, just that you are very kind, thinking about others and putting yourself at the very back of the queue.
It is a good quality, but there is nothing wrong with being kind and considerate to others and yourself equally.
I can't imagine what life would have been like for you, and how confusing and difficult it would have been to make decisions.
Your family are supposed to be the people you love and trust and the ones from whom you seek approval. It would be easy for your parents to use your love and desire to be approved of to manipulate you. I don't think you would have stood much of a chance.
Don't blame yourself for one second!
I'm supposed to be packing, but I'm putting it off.

I dont know why I bother
I've had enough
No more
I want out
NOW

RHKS why did you not contact me? Computer was on most of the night

You ok? (stupid question).

Get in touch xx

rhk can you talk sorry on mobile we are
worried

Rhk, we are worried about you. Let us know you are OK

I suppose that even if the OP is in a very bad way, MN isn't her only source of support - she does have various professionals involved with her and perhaps she is just off talking to them and getting the RL input she so badly needs.

I hope this is the case anyway. Try not to worry too much.

Sorry am here, really bad day yesterday, spent the afternnon with my friend and her family as I wasnt coping, but it just made me realise even more that its something I never had or will have, it was hard seeing her with her mum and dad, how happy they were, how safe she was, it hurt so much, left in tears, my other friend came over for me later as I was in a bad way and we went to her friends where my daughter kicked off spectacularly, I'm now battered and bruised and cant face my friend anymore.

Todays fathers day and it's hard,
I'm struggling really bad with it all,
I'm sorry

So your daughter attacked you? Or bruised as in metaphorically speaking? (am confused)

Yes she attacked me, but thats normal behaviour for her

Well if that's the case I am completely out of my depth here, sorry.

Dont worry about it, I think everyone is and thats the problem, no-one knows how to deal with this.

rhksmum,
I'm not a psychologist but I know what you're going through,
you asked a question earlier in the thread that I wanted to answer.

The hardest thing in the world for a child (or an adult child such as yourself) to do is admit that their parents did not love them. Or did not love them in the way that they should have.

Parents who don't love their children aren't that way because their child is bad or faulty, but because they have been badly damaged somehow themselves. Damaged people can't love and empathise with their children. Your parents were damaged. Their behaviour was not their fault and it was certainly not your fault. But if they abused you in some way then it means they did not love you as parents should.

So you have two choices.

1. You can convince yourself that they loved you and that you "deserved" the way you were treated. Most children do this

or 2) You can accept that they were very damaged people and did not have the ability to love a chld. If you accept this second version of reality you begin to see that what happened to you was in no way your fault. If you choose this route, which is very hard, because you have to unlearn all your beliefs about your parents loving you, you will begin to heal and understand that you are lovable, and that your children love you.

You are nothing like your parents, because the love you feel towards your children shines through the words you write in your posts.

Sakura I know what you are trying to say but please be careful suggesting that the behaviour of abuse parents is not their fault. Ab*sers always have a choice. The things that were done to rhks (and to me, and to many others) were deliberate acts of a nature that everyone know is wrong. They are responsible for their actions and it is their fault.

I'm badly damaged and I don't ab8se my child or someone else's child, none of the fellow survivors I know do.

rhk sorry you have had such a rubbish time.
lt sounds as if you have some very good friends
there.
does your daughter know about your dad?
she is having a difficult, hormonal time and she needs help with that anger as soon as possible. can your cpn help at all?
it's not fair on either of you to have to keep having to go through this.
stay strong [hug]

yytt

y

rhk sorry you have had such a rubbish time.
lt sounds as if you have some very good friends
there.
does your daughter know about your dad?
she is having a difficult, hormonal time and she needs help with that anger as soon as possible. can your cpn help at all?
it's not fair on either of you to have to keep having to go through this.
stay strong [hug]

yytt

y

She knows that he was bad to me, if the NSPCC advert comes on they will say sure bad things like that happened to you

She's been having anger issues from when she was a toddler, but when she turned 9 thats when she started hitting me, she's now 12 and it's getting worse. Cpn has tried, we're waiting on new counsellor from children 1st being put in place but she only has 6 weeks with her and if she doesnt open up or start to then she doesnt get anymore.

Doesnt matter any more, I'm exhausted with it all, with life, with everything.

RHK, you do sound exhausted and I'm not surprised.

Try to get some rest tonight and try not to let your problems overwhelm you.

Sleep well

willsurvivethis "

I suffered terrible abuse myself. The reason I wrote it is not the parents fault is not to absolve them of responsibility, but because sometimes children who have been abused strongly identify with the abuser and see themselves in their parents. SOmetimes if you say "OMG, they were EVIL" it doesn'T help a victim who, for survival's sake, happens to identify with the abuser in some way. All that happens then is that they begin to believe that maybe they could be evil. Victims often blame themselve for the abuse they suffered. Many go through their whole lives without even realising they were abused, because it's safer that way.

rhk I have been on mumsnet for many years. I used to post on these type of threads, but I healed and moved on. The reason I posted on your thread was because I can see that you are about to get better.
I don't bother posting on threads where I can see that the person doesn't really understand what has happened to them. People who are in denial are very difficult to help. They often can't fathom what has happened to them.
The fact that you are this low means that your mind is processing what has gone on. Up until now you have probably buried a lot of it deep down. Depression is your brain's way of putting all the jigsaw pieces in place. I promise it will get better.
It takes a while but it does get better, I promise.

rhk you sound so fed-up. i wish there was something
I could say to make things easier.
is there somewhere you could go when your daughter hits you, like a friend's or even just into the bathroom with the door loc

"She knows that he was bad to me, if the NSPCC advert comes on they will say sure bad things like that happened to you"

rhk, Been thinking about this line you wrote since I last posted.
I think what is crueller than abuse is to have a mother or father who dismiss what happened to you, or ignore the fact it cause you pain, and to not acknowledge your pain.

As an adult, I found this much harder than dealing with the abuse itself. I wonder if this is the case with you? That you need your parents to see that what they did was wrong before you can move on?

I might be way off the mark, and you probably need to concentrate on your daughter right now. But if you move on in yourself, you will find your daughter a lot easier to cope with

rhk I just wanted to see how you were. it's not easy to post from this phone, but I'm still checking in.
How are you?

I thought if I avoided this thread then I could pretend everything was/is ok, but it's not working.
Haven't had a phonecall cancelling tomorrows appointment with the psychologist so fingers crossed it was just that she didn't get message to phone me.

My daughter had here prom last night and she looked stunning, so innocent, so young, and it hurt like mad that I never had that and never will.

Curator is coming tomorrow after school and I'm terrified that it will all go wrong.
I'm running on auto pilot right now, dont want to think, dont want to feel, but it's not working.

And now the curator isn't coming tomorrow.
She's coming next week instead, she says it will only take about an hour or so, she just needs to talk to me and see round the house
Why does she need to see round the house if he only wants access?
I'm panicing now, what if he wants to take the kids from me?
I know I'm struggling with them/me, but he cant do it, I cant let him take them.

I dont know what to do, my frind is coming over on Monday to help me gut the house from top to bottom.
I'm scared now,
I dont know what to do

It will be fine, rhksmum. She needs to see where they live, that's all.