I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

rhks she won't hate you - she cares for you, like I do. I know why you want her to, you know I've had the same feelings. But you have done nothing to deserve hate.

rhk I'm glad you went and your worst fears weren't realised. Perhaps it would have been easier for you if she had been awful because you are used to that.
If she doesn't hate you then you have to look at the possibility that you aren't hated by everyone and it possible for people to love you and care for you, even yourself (that's the hardest one).
Good news on the possible room change, she sounds as if she is doing everything she can to help you.
YOu must have so much to digest after the session.
Have you had quite a bit of stuff at school today as well?

It would have been easier if she had been horrible to me, I could cope with that, but she wasn't she was nice and I cant cope with that, I dont know how to deal with that.

Nothing on atthe school today, just my daughters dance display tonight and my sons award cermony tomorrow night.

I'm so glad you went and were able to talk about your letter. It must feel odd that she didn't react the way you expected, or the way you treat yourself anyway. Hopefully soon you will begin to see that you've done nothing wrong and don't deserve to be punished.

Hope you're having a good time at the dance display, I would love a full report on that too please!

Yep, hope the dancing went well.

It feels really strange and probably if I'm honest horrible that she didn't react the way I expected or hope that she would react and it's thrown me, I dont know how to react, how to deal with it.

Display went really well, she got an award for perfect attendance which is the first in all the 9 years she's been going.
One thing it made me realise is I never had what she had, never had the proud parents in the audience. The kids looked so sweet and innocent up there and it was really hard not to compare myself to them.

But RHS, she does and that is what matters. You just need to understand how it feels to be loved and you'll have cracked it! (DD that is)

No you didn't have all that - you were robbed of all that. Your innocence, your pleasure, the feeling that your body was all yours and you could do what you wanted, the fun. All stolen from you. And that is very very wrong.

And you should look at those girls and see how innocent and young they are and allow yourself to realise how innocent you were at that age and how much it wasn't your fault.

You can at the same time feel for yourself for missing out and be glad your daughter has all this. You don't have to chose.

I hope this comes across right - feeling a bit strongly about this myself as you know.

Hug xx

rhk it probably does feel uncomfortable to consider changing the way you view yourself. It might not be a nice view, but it's a familiar, comfortable view.
I think it will take time to digest, but you have time.
I think you are feeling sad for yourself as a child and your children are reminding you, even though you wouldn't want them to experience what you did.
I don't think you should feel bad, it's not the same to feel sad for your child self as it is to resent other children for being happy.
In fact even if you do resent children for being happy, it wouldn't be at all surprising. You must have so much anger inside.
I'm glad you are getting, deserved, support from a psychologist.
Well done to you and your DD on the attendance, that can't have been easy for you when you were feeling bad.

Hi rhk hope your busy school day went well.
I had a very long day today so haven't been on the internet much.

You're right, she's lucky to have a proud mum looking on. Well done to her. You should be proud of yourself too for all you've given your children despite being deprived of so much yourself.

There's nothing wrong with comparing either- you've every right to feel angry and grieve for what was taken away from you. Hopefully you'll be able to stop punishing yourself for it one day.

Award ceremony was hard, it was in a church, not a good place for me, left halfway through because I couldn't breath, felt sick, couldn't think, didn't want to think.

rhk well done for going, since you have issues with churches. You did well to last as well as you did.
I hope you can go over this with your psychologist.

So why do I feel so bad about it, I feel like its a lucky dip with my kids, who will be the lucky one that gets me to stay for the whole thing.

I've got a feeling psychologist has gone off sick again, phoned today to speak to her about tonight and was told her secretary would phone me back not quite sure why her secretary would need to phone me unless to tell me that she's gone off sick again or that she doesn't want to speak to me.

Have cpn in at lunchtime so maybe she will listen or have some informationa as to whats going on

rhk it must be so frustrating not to be able to sit all the way through something, but you aren't leaving because you are bored or because you have had a better offer.
You are having mental health problems, it isn't something to be taken lightly. If you had two broken legs, or something everyone could see, nobody would expect you to take your children swimming and you wouldn't feel bad. You can't help your feelings, but you are doing everything you can to help yourself. Nobody would expect any more than that.
Please try to show yourself some kindness, you are doing the best you can at the moment.
The psychologist could be away for lots of reasons: a conference, annual leave, family emergency, illness, a meeting. One of the reasons won't be that she doesn't want to talk to you. I can't imagine anyone being a psychologist if they don't want to talk to their patients and help them.
Sorry, that was a bossy post, wasn't it! I just don't want you to be any more down on yourself than you already are.
Will be on later to see how you get on with phoning the cpn.

I guess your right, it probably is nothing, just really neded to talk some things through with her yesterday incase my worst fear came true, which it did.
I didn't just run because it was a church, I ran because the person than r@ped me 6 yrs ago was sat in front of me in there, he kept smirking, turning round and smiling at me, putting his arm round his wife, but in such a way that his hand was hanging down the back of the seatswhere I was.
Sorry just really not coping today with all this.

that's indescribably hard

bast*rd

I'm so sorry . And . I have a stream of expletives running through my head right now...fucking horrible bastard is about the mildest.

How are you feeling now?

Hope you manage to speak to someone today.

rhk horrible horrible horrible. I can't think of words to say how horrible that is!
Please stay strong, he is a slime, you are a lovely woman who had a series of horrible things happen to her.
Have you managed to phone the cpn?

Cpn came out, didn't really talk about anything, I just gibbered on and on about nothing, she finishes today for 2 weeks and I guess I was worried that if psychologist has gone off and I start talking today I'm on my own for the next 2 weeks till she's back in and I didn't think I could cope with that.

I know it's stupid but I just didn't know what to say, or how to say it...story of my life right now

rhk can you phone the psychologist's secretary to see whether the psychologist will be available within the next couple of weeks?
Will there be somebody else available while the cpn is away?
I have been thinking of horrible things to do to the slime you saw in the church. I can't believe his wife is still with him after what he has done.
However, you shouldn't have to worry about him and his disgusting behaviour so I don't want to go on about him and keep reminding you.
You are going on to your better life and to being happy and don't need anyone holding you back.
What do mean about not knowing what to say? Do you mean to the psychologist? She will understand it is hard for you to put into words your feelings. It will come.
What are you doing this weekend, is there more school stuff?
We are off on holiday for a week. I will still be able to check the internet though, so you won't be able to get rid of me.

Cpn says there is a duty system for when shes not there but I struggle to use it, if I know the cpn that is there then I can but if I dont I struggle.

I'm hoping the psychologist isn't off and it's just that the message wasn't passed on. I'm supposed to be seeing her next Wednesday and probably the following week and then she's off for 3 weeks.
I guess although I need to talk I'm really wary of doing it with the summer holidays coming up and everyone being off or on reduced days, also the kids are going to be about and I'm usually in no fit state to deal with them for a few hours after the sessions.

His wife's still with him because she doesn't know, well I say she doesn't know, I never told her. Never told anyone until I had to go get checked out. Also his daughter was in the year below my son at school so I didn'twant to make it difficult for him. I should have known what he was like, I went to college with him and he was the only male in the class, he would always boast how he would sleep with all the girls in the class, i was pregnant with my daughter at the time so he told me I was safe for now, but I always thought he was joking, always thought that it was just his patter, that he didn't mean anything in it, guess I was wrong

My oldest has his Pace Ball tomorrow night but thats it, not got anything else on until Monday when it's my daughters prom.

Where you going for your holiday?
We aren't going anywhere until middle of July when we're going to Southport, Pontins. am dreading it, but the kids are excited, amd going with my friend and her 2 kids so should be interesting.

Hope you have a nice holiday
x

hi rhk,
nightmare man should have his bits cut off, completely disgusting piece of sh*t!
You're too nice, worrying about his kids.
We are off to a place near Pitlochry, it's a camp thingy as well, so it should be interesting. Hopefully, it will be fine.
Right I'm off to do a bit of a supermarket shop - it's self-catering so we have to take our food with us.
Will speak later.

I worry about his daughter because I know the affect of having a dad a a r@pist/@bu$er has on you, I know mine is slightly diferent but even now I still feel the shame of knowing what my dad did, wondering if I was his only one, which I probably wasn't if he could share me with his friends, he must have gone else where with his friends for someone else, or maybe he didn't, maybe I gave it away so readily he/they didn't need to. I dont know.

hi rhk - I think leaving that presentation is quite ok given the circumstances. I couldn't have lasted as long as you did, I know.

Hope you can talk to your cpn and pscyhologist, rather than waiting until after hols - about things that will help you, strategies for coping over hols etc. If you are struggling hope you can try using the duty worker.