I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

It's not stupid or pathetic. It's horrible to be spoken to like that by your kids. And the mess- it must be the most common cause of arguments between parents and kids. Probably because it's really bloody annoying when your house is getting trashed and no-one else seems to care!

I'm not trying to play down how you feel just saying that you're doing fine, really. Don't be so hard on yourself.

rhk it is a pain when you are expected to pick up after children. I think they should do something to help in return for you cooking their dinner and washing their clothes.
It drives me up the wall when DS gets out stacks of things and then gets something else out without putting anything else away.
Mind you, if they have to live in the midden of a bedroom it's their look-out. Can you just close the door on it and not look at it?
You are not stupid and pathetic at all.
It sounds as if you are so angry about what has happened to you, and seeing your children just being normal kids is reminding you of how you couldn't be a normal kid.
You have every right to be angry about it. I can't imagine how you must feel, but you are doing so well and getting your life and the lives of your children back on track.
It's fantastic that your children are having the chance to live without the fear you had.

rhk just popping in to say hi.
Hope you have a good day today.
I'm off to the nursery sport's day this morning. Hoping it doesn't rain until it is finished.

I hope the weather stayed nice for your sports day.
It's really sunny here today which is a first, probably knows I'm not going out, it will wait until tomorrow when I have to go out and rain.

rhk how are you today?
It's quite a busy day for you tomorrow isn't it?
The sport's day went well, it was better organised than the last two, which just draaagged on, long after the children had lost interest. We carried on with some friends and just got back in.
I haven't seen the weather forecast, hope it is fine for you tomorrow.
Will pop back later.

I dont know how I am anymore, feel like I'm going from crisis to crisis.
Something happened at school yesterday with my daughter and I only got the full story today, not impressed at how the school handled it but does explain why one of her friends says she's known as the school slut
Phoned the Home link worker and she is going to speak to her again next week about personal safety.
I'm sorry if I'm being cryptic.
I thought I was moving on from it but I'm right back at the start again.

I'm tired of this
Have psychologist in morning and I really dont want to go, it's been nearly 4 weeks since I saw her last and I'm trying not to talk myself out of going but its not working.

It's fine to be cryptic, you're only protecting your daughter.

I have a feeling you're probably blaming yourself for what happened but just remember that we all have lapses of judgement with regards to personal safety at this age. I know I did- it's hard to work out what is and isn't appropriate, especially when your friends and the media might be giving you one message and school/ parents another.

It's fantastic that you have support from the home link worker, even if the school haven't been great. And she's got you as well.

Must feel like a huge thing to see the psychologist tomorrow after such a long gap. Just remember how much progress you've made in this time and seeing her will only help you move forward.

Good luck for tomorrow, rhksmum, I will be thinking of you. Good luck to your daughter for the dance display too, bet it will be great

Your right I do blame myself for what happened, her dad blamed me, senior social worker blamed me, the family protection unit were blaming her, it was all a mess.

The home link worker is great, me, I didn't handle it well, still cant handle it, but everyone thinks I should have moved on by now but I've not and today has just brought it back, how raw it all is still.

rhk that sounds very stressful about your daughter. I'm not surprised that you feel upset. How is your daughter about all this?
I still remember how tough high school can be, young adults still feeling like children and trying to be cool and impress their mates. Often for girls that involves boys and sex and acting as if you are very experienced even if you have no idea what you are talking about, or even if you do have an idea, pretending it is all under control.
Luckily, despite all the name-calling and all the posturing the vast majority of us make it out the other end and go on to be completely normal adults (whatever normal is).
It is a big break for you of not seeing the psychologist. What are you most afraid of happening?

RHKS, now that you are sounding more like yourself, then perhaps one day you will be able to tell us what it is all about.

It certainly isn't as bad as you think it is.

Hope you're OK tonight

I'm scared my nightmare will be true, that when I go see her she will blame me, scared that I wont be able to talk to her, I'm still struggling with what happened last week with everything.
I guess it's the trust thing and realising she's only human like the rest of us.

What happened was bad, Ceops and the police were involved and now what I found out today may well mean that I have social work come in heavy handed again

RHK, you have to trust people.

Trust is a very big thing for me.
I trust the wrong people, and the people I should trust, I'm suspicious of, if that makes sense

rhk you know that your nightmare is very unlikely to come true don't you?
If she said anything like what you dreamt she would be extremely unprofessional and fairly unhinged.
On the plus side, having expectations that low mean you can only be pleasantly surprised.
Do you think that finding out she has weaknesses makes her seem less trustworthy?
It doesn't sound very pleasant with the police involvement, but social work being involved might not be such a bad thing. Perhaps they will sort out that support that your daughter had before, which seems to have disappeared.
It sounds as if you and your family deserve proper support to get you all back on your feet.
Even though you are dreading the appointment, I have a feeling you are going to feel a lot better about it tomorrow.

LISTEN rhk.

We are not going to take your children

We are not going to report you to the police

We are not going to get you sectioned.

This is MN there is no agenda

Before anyone can really help you, you need to tell us why you are scared.

I dont know if thats what it is, I guess although I didn't fully trust her, I was beginning to, but it feels like I've just gone back to the beginning and I need to build it up again

rhk it's natural to feel a bit weird after a break, especially when you have a lot of very private hurt to discuss.
I can see how it would take time to build up a relationship with her again, but that's what she's there for and she clearly wants to help.
Just see how it goes, you don't need to rush in and tell her everything all at once.
She has the letter to go over so she will have some insight into your situation.
She said she wasn't going to condemn you and that she knows there is more going on than you are telling.
Don't worry about disappointing her, just let her do her job.
I really feel you will be glad you went. A lot of good things start off with people feeling nervous.
You can do it!
[huge hug]

then it's not as bad as you think it is.

BTW RHK, I live far far down south and you live in the north, non?

Can't believe how much better you are sounding!

That's alright though, she'll understand you need to ease your way back into it. I'm sure she'll take your lead on how deeply you want to go into things.

Remember that the session is for you, try not to worry too much about what her opinions/expectations are.

I'm trying not to worry, not doing a very good job of it mind you.
My appointment is at 9.30, so I have no time to think about it, get kids out to school and then phone my taxi, no dwell or worry about it.
Once this appointment is by hopefully the next one wont be as bad.

yes, RHK. You are facing your fears. Good Luck and speak tomorrow.

I'm off to bed now, long day with 2 small boys........

I know, it's easy for me to say not to worry. Less easy to do it. Good that you can't stew about it, though. And you're right, it will get easier.

Will have my fingers crossed for you tomorrow, let us know how you get on.

Good luck sweetie!
I'll be up for a bit longer, will check in before I go to bed.

I went
We spoke about my letter.
I need her to hate me, I need her to feel the same way about me as I do, but she wont and doesn't and thats hard to accept.
I'm tired and I feel really sick but it's out there now and I cant get it back, I just need to deal with how its making me feel.

She's also looking for a new room, she's not happy with the one we're in so is looking at other options.

Well done for going.