I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

rhk how are you?
I hope tonight is a bit easier on you than last night.
I agree with hairy about some kind of relaxation technique. If you stick with it they do work on the physical symptoms of anxiety. Even if you do when you aren't stressed it can help and get you into the habit.
There is a lot of life out there to be lived and enjoyed if you can get through this. It is worth it.
Is the award ceremony next week?

Hope you get some sleep tonight, rhksmum.

I wish I could say I was fine, that I was ok, but if I get to tomorrow then I can speak to my cpn, try and get some of whats in my head out.

It's a busy week this week, dance display rehersal tomorrow, psychology and dance display Wednesday, awards cermony Thursday and cpn friday. I'm in panic mode already, it all feels like too much. Sometimes being too busy makes things worse because when I stop everything comes flying back, its like being on a bus thats going to fast and your trying to get off but when it does stop everyone behind you flies into you(if that makes sense).

My friend came over but it went wrong, tried to tell her how I was feeling, what was going on but I either didnt say it right or she just didnt hear it. Am thinking more the first one.

Do you have anything exciting planned for this week?

rhks i know you are feeling rubbish but you are explaining more about how you feel than you've ever done before.

great

rhk you will get to tomorrow.
I agree with Will you are much more lucid and are sharing a lot with us.
Thank you for trusting us!
I like your bus analogy. I think when you on that busy bus you could stay sitting down until you are ready, even if the bus is going fast you can stay nice and calm.
It does sound a busy week, but fun as well. I hope there is some fun in there for you.
There is a letter is DS's tray at nursery about going to school, probably about going for lunch with the big children and meeting the teacher. He was off with a sore throat on Friday and the nursery teacher told me about the letter.

Is this knews to your friend? She may just need time to digest it- the right words don't always come straight away.

I know it's a hectic week ahead but it's all really good, positive stuff. Hope you are able to enjoy some of it.

Glad you have someone to speak to tomorrow. Try to take it easy on Tuesday, store up some energy for the rest of the week.

Wishing you a restful night.

rhk just wanted to say good morning and see how you were.
You are probably busy with school stuff.
We are having a bit of a late start today so haven't actually left yet.

rhk, you sound like you are thinking a bit more clearly now. Hope you are ok and that today is a little better

Not had the best of mornings,not been to bed yet.
Spoke to lawyer this morning about the court case, he's going to phone me back later when he's spoketothe lawyer doing the reportbut it doesn't looklike its goning to be done in time for the next court date.
I just need this over with, I'm tired of him making the kids feel like crap, telling them about holidays that they cant go on because this isn't sorted, tired of him still trying to control me.
I'm sitting here panicing because I know what he's like, how he is very plausable to everyone. Not much I can do now, its in the hands of the lawyers and courts so what will be will be.

Feel like I'm counting down the minutes until Cpn is in so I can phone her before I lose the plot or lose it more, but I dont want to, dont want to have to admit I'm struggling, to not want to try and have to explain what I'm feeling because I dont know, I go from being angry one minute to a sobbing mess the next.

I dont know, not sure I know anything anymore

rhks phone her, phone cpn and tell her as much as you can - what she doesn't know about she can't help with x

rhk this is a stressful situation and what you are feeling is normal. I agree with will the cpn is there for you and should be able to help you cope with everything. Definitely give her a phone.
On the plus side, as soon as this is all resolved you will be able to breathe a sigh of relief and your ex will not be able to play any more games.
Anyone would need help with this situation, I would and would find it stressful. Get all the help you can, here and anywhere else.
I think there is a topic on MN for legal problems, perhaps somebody else has been through exactly what you are going through now and could offer some advice.
Is the psychologist still going to phone the lawyer for you?
If you could have a nap or just a lie-down you might feel a bit more able to cope. I find Classic FM is quite good for a lie-down.
The letter at DS's nursery was just about starting school. He has an introduction to his teacher on Wednesday morning and I have to go along for an 'informal' chat.
I'm off to work soon, but will check in and see how you are doing.
Speak soon

Psychologist spoke to lawyer last week, she phoned me back on friday which is a day she doesnt work but she still went out of her way to let me know, which made me feel like a total bitch for thinking badly of her.
Lawyer that is doing the reportphoned me this afternoon and is coming out next week to talk to me, she says it will take about 1 1/2 - 2 hrs to talk to me, she will speak to the kids at a later date so I'm guessing the report wont be ready for the 28th of this month for the sherif to see, so thats more time to worry.

Spoke to cpn, told her how i feel, she says she undrstands, she can hear that I'm distressed, no shit sherlock, that I need to stop worrying ahead with things that are outwith my control, but I'm scared, scared he will try and take my kids, that he will use my past against me, which he has in the past, if my own family who didn't hurt me, that are supposed to love can use it to their advantage then I'm sure he wouldn't have second thoughts about using it.

This is real now, I cant stop it, its all spiralling out of my control, the rock is getting bigger and bigger as it rolls down the hill and picks up speed.
I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'll shut up now

you're getting there, fear not

rhk I can hear all of your fears tumbling out, it's normal it's OK to worry.
When big things happen people tend to think the worst to prepare themselves, but it doesn't actually mean that the worst will come to be.
You are their mother and that is given huge significance in court, they want to help you as a mother.
It's great that your psychologist has helped and the cpn is trying to help. They are all on your side.
Do you feel better having spoken to the cpn?
It will all soon be behind you and you will have one thing less to worry about.
You are doing really well, being open and keeping everyone in the picture.
[huge hug]

I want to scream
I want to shout
I want to throw things
I want out
They're driving me up the all,
I need them to shut up
They're too noisy
They're too much
Cant them to be quiet

Are you there rhksmum?

rhk what's going on?
Can you get out of the house for five minutes and just go for a walk. It's a lovely night, still light outside at the moment.

So,rhk, are you there? Who is important here?

Still here rhksmum. I know you're feeling panicky but you can do this.

The kids were fighting, the voices were fighting, the thoughts were getting worse, I'm sorry, I'm scared, I'm scared if I get angry then I'll be like my dad, I cant be like him, I just cant, but I'm scared I'll turn out like him if I get angry.

They've all been grounded for the rest of the week, no computer, but who in the end is going to be punished more?
I cant ground the voices, I cant make them shut up.
I need to get a grip before I lose everything

Ok, you are not your Dad. It's ok to be annoyed with your kids when they are fighting, that is totally normal. You are not a bad person, rhksmum, you can trust yourself to be angry and NOT hurt anyone.

Why would you be punished? You haven't done anything wrong.

What's your best memory? Can you remember a time when you felt good, happy, calm?

rhk as hairy said you are allowed to get cross, just as your children are and do get cross.
I get cross, we all do, but there is a difference between getting cross and angry and abusing people. It is safe to be angry and cross sometimes, as long as you can still respect your children and they can respect you.
What are the children doing that is making you so upset?

NO, you are not your Dad, nor your sister nor anyone else in your family. You are you

It's really stupid, they really aren't doing anything that bad, the boy's room is a disaster and I'm sick of telling them to tidy it.
One of them has been in my room and left orange peel, no one will own up so I've banned them all from there.
I'm sick of being spoke to like a piece of dirt by them, I want to scream at them that they dont know how good they have it, how they are to be safe, how they have everything I never had, but it's not going to mean a thing to them as they didn't go through what I did and I pray to god they never have to.

It's all really stupid and pathetic but it's really getting to me.

No you are not, you are a mum. Tis what we do.

RHK, you are sounding more like yourself