I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

You deserve better too hun.

Knowing what I know I can see how this nightmare plays into all your fears and worries. Good thing then that nightmares ar just that, an attempt by our brain to make sense of our fears, not anything approaching the truth.

Go gentle on yourself and try not to pay attention to what your toxic family say. They've ruined you enough.

rhk you deserve better. It sounds as if all of the bad thoughts you have had about the psychologist's health and your daughter's health have realised themselves in your dreams.
I sometimes think dreams are a way of testing out situations, to see how you would cope if the worst happened, it's a kind of 'safe' way of testing yourself.
You are allowed to have bad dreams and be upset, just as your children are. You would never condemn your children for screaming in the night and very much doubt yours will condemn you.
About your granny, strokes seem to be linked to genetic issues, diet and health. I doubt you could have done anything to help your granny health-wise. Did you have a good relationship with her?
Try not to let it put you off sleeping? You will have a good night's sleep eventually.

My gran was my world, we didnt see her very often as we were in Germany, but for 2 weeks every year she saved me, she let me see that not every one was bad, but then she went home and things got bad.
I miss her soo much, when she had the stroke 2 years ago my mum, her daughter, came back into her life playing the perfect daughter. She managed to get my dad back in too after my gran cutting contact with him for over 10 years, she says he's a changed man, that he doesn't batter my mum anymore, that he wont hurt me anymore.
I cant go back and see my gran anymore as social work have made it very clear that if I set foot up there they will remove my children from me, so any contact with her was through my uncle as she doesnt answer the phone anymore. And now he's made it perfectly clear that its ok to put my kids at risk, that it was my fault my gran had the stroke, that if I'd just kept my mouth shut my gran wouldn't have worried about me and she wouldn't have had the stroke.

I've just spoke to cpn and told her whats gone on this week and how it has made me feel, how I'm really struggling with going back to psychologist next week, that my dreams are all mixed up, how I'm falling apart.

She says my emotions are playing a strong part in how I'm feeling and what is playing out in my head and that if they can get the right meication to try and level out my emotions I may be able to think straighter.

rhk sorry, from the dream I thought your gran had died, I didn't realise she was still around.
That is so sad that you can't see her when she has had such a good influence on you. I don't suppose you could write?
I don't pretend to understand why social services would take action against you, it sounds insane, but I'm guessing there is a long story behind that.
Of course you miss her, and I'm sure she misses you.
Your uncle is acting very thoughtlessly and is being cruel in what he is saying. Please try to erase his stupid words from your mind. I can't think why he would say such a stupid thing.
You are so brave, I'm guessing you are getting fed-up with being brave though. It would be nice not to have to brave all the time, just be rubbish sometimes and not worry about it, just like everyone else. I don't mean that in a 'give up completely' kind of way, just a 'have a day off and veg' kind of way.
It's good that you have had a chat with the cpn and had an opportunity to tell her what has been going on.
It is scary to see the psychologist, but you will feel better afterwards. You are doing so well at getting everything organised to help yourself.
Emotions do colour everything, it's how you filter the world. If the medication can help to settle your emotions you would probably feel a lot better and much more able to cope with things.Perhaps help you to get some of the joy back that you should be able to experience at the lovely things your children are doing at school.

Writing isn't really an option, she really isn't with it anymore.
It was my mum and dad and their friends that abu$ed me, and because my gran now allows them in her house social work are of the thinking that my children would be at risk from them and I guess I would be too.
I couldn't put my children at risk from them so I cant go.

My uncle is just doing what he's good at, making me feel bad, blaming me for whats gone wrong. They are ashamed of me and I dont blame them.
I dont feel like I'm brave, I feel like a coward, I just want to hide from everything and everyone.

Tonight I'm really aggitated, everytime the kids open their mouth I want to scream at them to shut up, to go away, to leave me alone (I haven't). My friend phoned and I put the phone down on her, everyones voice is grateing on me, I cant get clean, I've scrubed and scrubed but I cant get rid of their smell,

Sorry just not a good night

They have no right to be ashamed of you! You haven't done anything wrong or caused any of this.

It's sad that you can't see the one member of your family that brought a little light into your life, I don't know what else to say about that. Except that I'm sorry.

It's no wonder you're agitated, or that you want to hide. Like rowingboat says, you need a break from being brave all the time. Hopefully your psychologist will help you start to feel better and the medication will help you feel more on an even keel but...is there anything you do to relax? Anything you've done in the past that you find calming or at least diverting?

rhk that is a horrible situation and I can see why you would not want to put your children or yourself in the way of harm.
I don't understand why your uncle would be ashamed of you, it sounds nuts.
I think it would be best to forget him, he is adding nothing to your life and you have everything to gain by cutting him out. As if you need to listen to the his ridiculous ramblings, it makes me angry on your behalf.
I'm sorry you have had to endure disgusting behaviour at the hands of adults you should have been able to trust. They have completely failed you and they should be ashamed, not you, not you at all.
I agree with Hairy, is there anything you can do to distract yourself when you feel yourself becoming agitated?
Could you go and lock the door on the bathroom and sit there for 5 minutes, splash your face with cold water, sit and be still?
I hope today is a better day for you.
Speak soon

I'm losing it, everything is getting louder and louder, phoned the crisis team something I vowed I would never do after the last time, but its just an answer machine message and they close in half an hour anyway so not much they can do anyway.
Ended up in tears in the midle of town all over a shopping bag.
My friend phoned and I lost it with her, at this rate I'm going to have no friends left.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, I need to get a grip, because if I dont I'm gonna end up doing something.
I've scrubbed the kitchen from top to bottom to try and keep my hands busy but it's not working, nothing is, I'm falling apart and I dont know how to fix it

rhk you will be OK!
What triggered the whole thing off?
Can you make yourself do everything very slowly on purpose, it sounds silly, but it can change your physical state if you deliberately slow your actions.

rhk are you there?

Sorry, don't worry if you can't reply at the moment. I was just checking.
Just thinking about you.

Sorry am here,
Not in a good place, noises are too much, Daughter started her crap,
I'm sitting hiding behind the laptop so my son doesn't see me upset, it's all spiralling out of control.

rhk you will be ok, this will pass! It has before and you have been worse.
You have been sounding so much better than before, you will be OK.
In the morning you will feel better.
It's normal to be upset when your children are thoughtless, my mum used to cry when we argued.
Teenagers are so angry. It's not you.
In the morning things will seem better.

I hope so because right now I'm terrified, I cant think straight, am really panicing.
I need silence, but then silence scares me, cant find an in between.

I dont know what to do, I can't keep still, I'm up and down like a yoyo.

rhksmum, what is the problem?

rhk I'm still here.
If you can find somewhere to be safe in your head you might be able to get a little bit of calm.
Is there anywhere you can think of that is calming? Somewhere like a a deserted beach or tropical forest where you can imagine walking, smelling the sea or flowers and hear the sounds of your footsteps and the wind and nothing else.
Do you think you can write down any of what you are feeling? Perhaps getting it out of your head would help give you some relief.
In a few hours you will have calmed down, can you distract yourself just now, watch TV, read, find a website that is calming?
It will pass.
I'm just trying to think of a way to help you calm down, because I don't want you to feel so upset
You aren't in any danger, even though you feel anxious and tense you are safe in your home.
If you need someone to talk to there were a few suggestions earlier in this thread, one number was the Samaritans the other.
Give yourself a bit longer to calm yourself.
You know if you can't you could go to A&E or phone your GP out of hours. I imagine they would be able to sort out some medication to calm you down.

Pray you got through the night rhks - I know you were struggling badly when I went to bed last night.

Been thinking of you. Will be in church all morning but check for you later xx

rhk are you there? I hope you managed to calm down.
I hope you are sleeping and don't see this until later.
Speak to you soon.

Hi I'm here,
not in a good place
really bad nightmares, feel so real, are real, need to get clean
Only have my youngest in for now as other two are away out

rhk there you are! I was a bit worried.
Can you phone any of your support people for help?
You are clean, it is the people who abused you who are dirty. You didn't ask for or deserve any of the abuse.
You wouldn't blame or criticise a child for being abused. Give yourself the kindness and support you would give that child.
It will get better, you are doing everything you can to help yourself and being persistent.
Can you tell yourself you are doing well and your children love you 100 times, drown out the negative voices?
What are you doing today?
Is it raining over there?

it was raining this morning, but the sun is shining now.
Thats my oldest bak in from paintballing with his befriender so now the fun begins with him windeing his brother.
There's only the crisis team I can phone over the weekend, and sometimes they just make it worse.

It's still raining over here.
It's crazy that a crisis team could actually make things worse. What kind of training do these people have?
Can you go out with them, so they aren't cooped up together (and you)? Just to the park or something?

Hi rhksmum. Sorry you've had such a bad night.

If you don't feel like you can talk yourself round today, is there someone you can call?

We're here if you want to talk about anything, I'll be watching all afternoon.

Can you try closing your eyes and breathing some slow, deep breaths? If you see or hear things you don't want to, try humming loudly, counting backwards from 100, anything to drown it out.

You are clean. You are a lovely, decent human being that has been very badly treated. Try to be kind to yourself today, rhksmum.

Sorry, x-post. The Samaritans? A friend? Just someone that will be kind to you and listen.

Sorry I meant your boys when I wrote 'them'.