I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

We all get tired of it.
There are days when I just want to escape.
But there are good times, too.
Don't give up now.

Guess its time to face facts.
It's not meant to be.

what facts? don't confuse voices in your head with facts. Can't get through on the phone? remember my offer xx

rhks
What are you talking about?
Please don't be bloody silly now.
Call the doctor or whoever now.
Don't let your thoughts spiral out of control.
Come on.

rhks?

The facts that its not meant to be, that I'm not meant to tell, too many things getting in the way,
Phones now ringing but its telling me they are closed for the day to try again tomorrow, I dont want to try again tomorrow, it only leads to disapointment and hurt, its too hard,

I even phoned my cpn to see if she cold email psychologist but she's not in either

Ok, first of all, yes it is annoying and not right that you can't access someone to talk.
But no, that does not mean that it's some sort of fate, that you are not meant to tell.
Those are just the problems of getting through to the psy or cpn and it's dictated by their opening hours, how busy they are etc.

Rkhs, I have only just read this thread.

Something has struck me from the start and that is how reliant you are on these people and what they might be able to offer you.

The thing is I am not sure they CAN actually help. I found this when I had some MH problems and actually, despite my having some help as it were I didn't find I got much out of it.

The only thing that made me well again (anorexia) was realising I was not reliant on anyone else. Nobody could actually step in and make me better. I had to want to be better, or be afraid of dying, enough to tell the voices in my own head (not actual voices, but wrong thoughts iyswim) to shut the fuck up as they were ridiculous, and take the first step into trying to be normal again.

It worked and I have never looked back.

You don't have to be like this - sure you are full of fear and they can listen to that but some of the fears are worthless, they're not real, and you need to cut through them and challenge them. You do know which are real and which are keeping you back.

It's scary but if you wait for someone else to wave a magic wand, you'll be like this forever.

I hope this helps a bit, it's allI can think of. Saying that they may well be able to help your kids more by being around for them in a practical and supportive way. You have to get out of this somehow though, think about the alternative, and make your choice.

hi rhk,
thought I would pop in to see how things are with you. I've been away for the weekend so couldn't come on here.
How is your daughter recovering?
Do you have any more sports days to attend, there seem to be so many school-related things this time of year.
Was it the psychologist you were trying to phone yesterday?
That phone system sounds like a pain, I'm not surprised that you are annoyed. I don't think you should read anything into it. I doubt they would deliberately put the phone back wrongly just to make you feel bad. They wouldn't have known you were trying to get through. It's just a pain, anyone would get cross and fed-up. I would be seething.

She's back at school this week and back to normal with her attitude so thats something.
No more sports days, just a prom, awards ceremony, dance display and leavers service still to go.

I'm more frustrated than anything, and well I suppose angry too, nothing I can do about their phone system but its driving me up the wall.
Managed to speak to my cpn's secretary and she's emailing my cpn to email psychologist to see if she will phone me.

It just feels like everything is working against me, psychologist goes off sick, then comes back and I'm offered an appontment for a time she knows I cant make it, then I'm told to phone at a certain time, which I do and I'm told she's in a meeting and will call me back, then I spend 4 hrs trying to get through on the phone yesterday afternoon and no joy. Then this morning it's the same, eventually when I do get through the message tells me that no one can take the call and to phone back tomorrow.

There isn't anything I can do and thats what makes me feel more helpless. The voices are running wild in my head and I'm trying not to let them win but the longer it goes on the louder they are getting.

Did you have a nice weekend away?

Hi rhk,
I did have a nice weekend, very tiring school thing with lots of kids running amok and bashing each other up, mainly boys of five so kind of what you expect really.

I would be going nuts with that phone disaster, talk about disorganised! They sound as if they are all over the place with the diary and scheduling. Not very helpful for you. The negative talk in your head must be driving you mad as well. I bet there are quite a few people in a similar position to you all waiting around for that department to get their act together.
I hope the psychologist phones soon. At least the cpn's secretary is trying to get things moving for you.

Do you find having the school stuff helps to keep you busy even if it may seem a bit daunting?

I'm glad to hear your daughter is on the mend, and back at school so quickly. It's amazing how quickly children bounce back from that kind of thing. One thing that has gone well and you can tick off the list.

rhksmum, was also away for a few days. Tried to get on on my phone but couldn't post- was reading your messages and itching to reply...

Anyway, can't believe what a hard time you've had getting through on the phone. V impressed with your persistence though, many more would have given up ages ago so well done for keeping on.

I'm also glad you're feeling angry in a way because you sounded so despondant at the weekend. You have incredible fighting spirit, you know. Even when you're close to giving up you pull it out of the bag somehow.

On a practical note, could you ask your psychologist for an e-mail contact so when the phones are playing up you can still get through to them? It's important for your peace of mind not to feel cut off from them.

MargaretAtwood, I know what you mean about the decision to change having to come from within. However, professional help can be the means by which to get to that point. Certainly was for me, but I suppose it's different for each individual.

Rhksmum, sounds like your kids have some nice stuff coming up. Who's doing the dancing display? That will be an 'ahhh!' moment

Hi HM,
It's my daughter doing the dance display, tap, ballet and disco.
Not sure psychologist will give me her email address, normally I write to her between appointments but with them moving offices it seems my letters get opened before she gets them and it makes me feel vulnerable and I guess a bit paranoid.

margaretAtwood I know they cant wave a magic wand and make it all go away, as much as I would like them to I realise thats not going to happen, but right now they're all I have, I cant talk to my friends about whats happened/happening because it's not fair on them to be burdened with this.

Just now I'm in panic mode, I'm trying to keep the voices quiet, I'm trying to reason with them but it's not working, I'm trying to reach out to people who can help but it's not working, I know the phone systems not the psychologists fault but it's soo frustrating, I'm scared that I'm either going to lose the plot completely with her when I see her or speak to her or I'm just going to shut down completely and not open up anymore.

Normally if there is this long between appointments it's because she's on holiday and I'm prepared for that, but this has just thrown me, part of my illness is everything has to be put in boxes, everything has to stay the same, eg appointments, the people I see, if it changes without warning it throws me, it sends me into a panic and then the thoughts and voices spiral out of control.
Not sure if any of that made sense, dont even know what I'm trying to say.

I'm just really confussed and scared

Ah, that's ace, she must be really excited. Proud mum moment too.

Was just thinking of an e-mail contact for her department or secretary. If not, you can always mark your letter Private & Confidential/ Addressee only. Whoever opens them has the same duty of confidentiality as your psychologist but I know what you mean, it doesn't feel as private.

You are doing so well at reaching out, just the fact you're trying is very positive. Anyway, it doesn't matter if you lose the plot a bit or clam up when you see her- both are just an expression of your state of mind and she will know this.

I think you make a lot of sense. It is scary when you can't predict what will happen, esp. when you are always expecting the worst. I'm sorry you're feeling scared and confused. Hope you manage some rest tonight.

Now I feel like the biggest shit ever
Finally someone phoned me with an appointment, she has a cancelation for next Wednesday, not an ideal day but I'll make do.
They said she apologises for not being in touch she has had lots of meetings and wat not, fair enough.
Phoned cpn to try talk to her about something but she's not in this afternoon and the duty worker I dont know.
So I phoned back psychology to ask if they could ask her if she had a spare 10 or 15 minutes could she phone me so I could try and talk about whats going through my head, she answered the phone, tells me shes having some health problems, apoligises for not being in touch, that she couldnt talk to me today but will phone me in the morning, I'm grateful I really am, but I feel bad that I thought bad of her, feel guilty that shes not been well and all I could think about is myself.
My family are right, I am selfish,

rhk don't worry stuff like that happens.
You weren't to know why she was unavailable, and they have messed you around by not sticking to their arrangements and not phoning you back. It's not surprising you have been getting annoyed.
It's good that you feel for the psychologist and sympathise, it means you are a kindly soul.
At least you now know she has a good reason for being unavailable and it has nothing to do with a plot against you.
Good news that you are sticking with it and getting in touch, being persistent. It looks like it has paid-off and you will be able to have a chat tomorrow.
When is the next school thing?
This is the first chance I have had to see how you are. I have been on another school day out today. My five year and his class mates spent most of the morning bashing each other and having a lovely time.

Hi RB
I'm actually really nervous now, I know it sounds stupid, I dont know what to say, I'm worried that I may put too much pressure on her, may say too much and she goes off sick again...
I know thats probably wont happen (touch wood) but I'm a worrier.
I'm scared that in 2 1/2 weeks the schools finish and I'm not going to be able to see her as frequently as I had been due to the kids.
Part of me thinks I should juat pack it all in untill the schools go back in August and start a fresh, but I dont think I will make it to then if I dont get some of whats eating me up inside out.

Dance display and my oldest sons award ceremony is next week, then my daughters prom is the following week along with her leavers service.

Sounds like you had lots of fun this morning, are there many more trips planned?

rhk it is really sweet of you to worry about the psychologist, but I'm sure she wouldn't be back at work unless she was feeling fitter.
Perhaps you could mention your fears to her, about her illness and your worry that you will make her worse. I think she would be able to reassure you, and if she feels she is too ill to deal with patients she can refer you to somebody else.
Whatever happens they will provide support for you, and the psychologist will only do what she can manage. Please don't worry.
You still have a few weeks before the holidays - or at least we do in Edinburgh, I'm not sure about Strathclyde. If you can get one or two or even three appointments before the holidays start you could always ask about options for during the holidays. Perhaps they would be able to have phone appointments while you have the children at home?
The day out was fun. We only have sports day left and then some kind of introduction to school things.
Not sure what they do, but my DS is going into primary 1 in August so I think they get the pre-school children to go for lunch and to meet the teachers. The school hasn't contacted us yet, so not sure.
You must have done all that stuff with your children, you probably know a lot more than me about it.

Ours finsh 29th June, feels like it's going to be a very long summer holiday.
Whe mine went into P1 they had 2 afternoons in the class they were going into, which I think was in the May/June time, but don't quote me on that it feels like such a long time ago.

I'm trying really hard not to worry about the what if's, but soo far I'm not doing a very good job of it.

I hate this time of night when all the thoughts and voices run wild in my head.

It's not selfish at all. You've done something really positive for yourself by perservering and making sure you get that appointment. Hope you can see that and feel just a little bit proud.

There's no reason to feel bad about the psychologist, you were just feeling vulnerable and your mind was playing tricks. Don't let it become a guilt trip- you aren't responsible for her being ill and it doesn't matter at all that you were narked at being messed about, in fact I'm glad you were!

Hope you have a good night & a good chat with your psychologist tomorrow.

rhk I hope you have a good chat with your psychologist.
Night time is the worst time for thinking negatively. Something happens to your hormones and your coping mechanisms are all at a very low ebb. Often, when you wake up and think the same thing, you are fine with it or at least feel much better able to cope.
Are there any clubs or camps for children in your area for over the Summer, where they can go and let off some steam?
I'm intrigued at the school award ceremony. Is that for your youngest child?
Things have changed such a lot from when I was at school, we had a school disco occasionally, but no prom and I don't remember an awards ceremony either.
Mind you I wasn't there a lot of the time, so that probably doesn't help.

Nearly 2 hours after she said she'd phone she phoned.
Kind of talked, but to be honest I was still really angry and frustrated.
Asked her if it was ok to send her a letter? That if I did could she make sure no one but her opened it?
So I've to put my name on the envelope and the secretary will know not to open it, so we'll see.
I told her I didnt want to be a bother, or inconvenience anyone, she told me not to be daft, that there is bigger things going on that are causing concern, the phone being one of them.
I asked her not to hate me for what I had wrote, she said she thinks it highly unlikely, she says she knows that there is worse still to come from me, that I haven't told her everything, but I'm still abit nervous.
She's going to phone my lawyer to find out whats going on with my ex as I'm in no fit state to try and understand much at the moment.

The awards cermony is for my oldest, he's been helping with the first years doing paired reading, so he's getting a citizenship award for it.
I never had a prom either when leaving either primary school or secondary school either, like you we had the odd disco but nothing fancy.
My oldest had his leaving primary school, wore a kilt which was soo much easier than trying to find a dress, shoes, getting hair done etc.
There is a sports camp over the hoildays, my youngest is booked in for the first week, my daughter says she's too grown up for it now.

rhk,
I've just been reading through some of this thread and wanted to say that I admire the fact that you have kept going. You must be very proud of your son helping other kids. Please try and be proud of yourself as well, you've brought him up to be like this.

Keep going, and try not to worry about upsetting people who are paid to help you.They have been trained to listen to you and it's not your responsibility to care for them.

I look forward to reading that you are feeling better at some point in the future x

rhk I'm so glad you have had a chance to have a chat. It sounds as if it was helpful and that she has acknowledged the problem with the phones.
Great that you have sorted out the letter privacy. I would have been worried about that as well. I doubt you will shock the psychologist, as she said, she knows there are things you aren't saying and she has probably got a good idea of what they are.
I'm happy for you that she is phoning the lawyer, I think you should be getting support in that area, as you say, it is a lot to understand and deal with.
I hope you can stop worrying about the psychologist now, or at least worry less about her.
Do you feel happy with how things went?
Your oldest sounds lovely doing the paired reading, you must be proud of him.
I can imagine your daughter thinking she is too old for the sports camp, that is fairly typical of a 12 year old. They're too cool for stuff like that.

Really bad night, nightmares are really bad.
Everything is really muddled.
My gran had a stroke 2 years ago and according to the email off my uncle this week it was my fault, I've brought so much shame and hurt on my famiy that my gran had the stroke.
In my dream it was the psychologist that had a stroke and she was screaming at me that it was my fault, that I was a dirty disgusting person, that I needed to stay away from her, she hates me, she doesnt want to see me anymore, that I'm unhelpable.
Then my dad came in the room and the 2 of them were laughing at me,
I'm really losing my mind
The kids got such a fright this morning with me screaming, my youngest has gone to school as white as a sheet, he said he thought someone was hurting me.
This isn't fair on them anymore.
They really do deserve better