I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

rhk no that doesn't make you the 'crappest/worst mum ever'! It is sad for you to have to worry like that, but you aren't doing anything malicious and your daughter is fine, if grumpy.
I hope she is feeling a bit better now and you can start to relax and put it behind you.
A big tick, that is done and you did it, both of you!
I agree with Will you are bound to feel anxious after the false start and then the operation, it's easier if you are the one having the op sometimes.
I think you will find that she will be alive every morning regardless of your voices telling you she isn't.
I hope you get a bit of sleep tonight or 5 minutes to just sit and relax.

Tired and bad tempered sounds pretty normal to me. Don't feel bad about it, give yourself a break. You deserve to be grumpy after the week you've had.

I'm with the others, you were only scared to go in to check on your daughter because she matters so much to you. It's testament to how much you care.

Hope tonight is a better night for you.

rhk just wanted to say hi and see how you and your daughter are getting on today.
Hope she is a bit more comfortable.
Speak soon

She's doing ok
I'm not
Social worker was in, turns out according to her my daughter is emotionallay immature due to my mental health and her having to be in foster care due to my hospital admissions
So thats nice to know...another box to tick for the crappiest mum award

Why is it everyone wants everything NOW
I'm falling apart and all the kids can think about is making jelly, fgs its 9.30 at night and I just want to be left alone.
I just want to scream at them to go away,
I want to run away
I want to be left alone to fall apart
I just want to left alone full stop

rhk sorry the social worker was so insensitive. It's hard to say what she was talking about without being there, but it sounds as if she could have kept that to herself.
It sounds as if her words have sent you into a spriral again. Do you feel that happening? Can you look at it from outside and get out of the middle of it.

Personally I would let them make the jelly on their own, they are all old enough not to pour the kettle over their heads. If you need a bit of space then you need a bit of space.
Can you go and read somewhere and get 5 minutes to yourself.
The worst that will happen is they will be a bit tired, and might eat too much jelly. Not a huge disaster.
You guys are going through a lot, jelly might help cheer them up.
I'm here all night keep talking.

rhk are you OK? Did you manage to get away for a bit?

No, I'm really losing it tonight
really anxious, have screamed and shouted at kids, have ended up in floods of tears in the bathroom, their voices are soo loud tonight

rhks sorry you're feeling bad. SW is perhaps not in the best line of work for her, seriously .

Try not to stress, let it flow, tell the kids to go to their rooms/beds, have some time on your own.

You're not the crappiest mum ever, if you were you wouldn't even wonder about it.

x

Psychologist's back, have to phone on Monday for an appointment.

Not sure how I feel about it anymore, well I do, I dont want to go back, its been nearly 3 weeks since I have seen her and the shutters have well and truely came down,
I guess I'm back in denial, I haven't had to talk about it, so it didn't happen, its hidden away again, I'm hiding, I dont want it to have happened and if I dont talk about it wont have happened. I'm not making much sense anymore, am losing the plot big time, stupid things are getting to me.

I went to sports day at school, big mistake, left in tears, too many people, too many happy looking families, too much of what I didn't have, too much of what my kids dont have

rhks don't make me take a plane up north and take you to that psychologist appointment. You are going please, not so pretty please. Give the woman some credit, she can't help being poorly every once in a while and yes you can carry on you honestly can x

And well done for making it to sprts day. it wasn't a mistake, you went and you made it thee. sorry it was so hard.

On my way to fb now see if you want to chat.

How do I do this?
How do I keep strong for my kids?
This is soo hard,
I'm tired of keeping up the pretense of being this 'happy' mum when inside I'm falling apart
I need the world to stop so I can get off, it all hurts soo much

It's my sons 16th birthday today and I finaly realised that we are on our own, that what was left of my disfunctional family that i talked to have really shown their true colours and not sent him a card, I know I dont matter, but dont make my kids feel like they dont matter.
I lost it last night and sent an email to them, so now I have to wait for the shit to hit the fan, because it will.
When will I learn to keep my mouth shut, no good ever comes from me speaking :-(

Well maybe you had a right to sound off. I know it's usually best to keep your cool but goodness me, it's pretty shitty not sending a card to your son, however strained your relationship might be.

By the way, everyone pretends to be happy when they're falling apart on the inside- lots of those perfect, happy families will be struggling too. Don't get me wrong, I think you have more shit to deal with than most but don't think everyone is coping except you because it's not true.

Try not to think of the bigger picture too much- trying to figure out how you 'do this' is too hard.

Focus instead on 'how do I get through this morning?' etc. Try breaking the day up into small chunks and just think about one at a time. When you feel yourself going into a spin, thinking about everything etc, try to stop and breathe. In for a count of four, out for a count of 8. Concentrate on something small like the noise of the traffic outside, or your stomach rising and falling with your breath, anything at all until you feel your heart rate settle down. It sounds like a silly thing to do but it really helps stop that downward spiral.

It's been a couple of weeks since you saw her so your psychologist won't rush you. The shutters can come up as slowly as you need. I don't doubt that you'll go to the appointment, rhksmum. I know it's still a constant battle but you are on the up. Just keep talking and breathing and you will get there.

A very happy birthday to your son

Happy birthday rhksyoungman!

V.good post od hairymelons, so have nothing to add.

Agree about telling your family off, it's disgraceful of them to not even send a card.

I feel sick, my stomach's in knots, haven't managed to sleep(no surprise there) the thought of picking up the phone and speaking to her I dont know if I can.

I know its stupid but I keep thinking that if I do speak to her she will tell me not to come back, that she only offered me the afternoon appointment because she knew I couldn't go, and that she hoped that I would just not come back...stupid I know.

Cpn is supposed to be coming in today, wonder if she has managed to do anything she said she was going to do

It's so stupid the state I've got myself in over a phonecall, I'm shaking, my heart feels like its going to jump out my chest, ffs it's so stupid and pathetic, its just a phonecall, whats the worst she can say...that I'm unhelpable, well I knew that, that she doesnt want to see me again...well I guess after 3 weeks I can live with that I think

This is the first day that I've none of my kids have been about, first day on my own for a long time and it's really scarey.

Thankyou both of you for the birthday wishes for my son, it was really nice of you

Hi rhks I know you know that your worries will not come true but I just want to enforce it. She offered you the afternoon appointment because she wanted to see you asap as she knows how hard things are for you.

She will be really friendly when you call, you will hear from her voice that she wants to see you and you will make an appointment.

If she didn't want to see you anymore she would discuss with you that she felt the therapy wasn't working (which is about the only reason why she would stop it). She would not give you an apointment you couldn't keep.

But you know that.

Thinking of you x

I phoned, she's just gone into a meeting
Why give me a time to phone and then she's not there, they're right this isn't meant to be, I went against them and phoned her, now they're laughing, reminding me they are right, that they are always going to be right

Stop stop stop

You know this isn't true

You're letting the voices run away with you

Don't listen

wait for her to call you back or call her back after the meeting whatever you have agreed. You can do this. I know you can xx

I'm getting good at this talking shit lark, spent an hour with the cpn, talked about the weather, talked about my sons birthday, talked about my ex, talked about everything but me.
She said she spoke to psychiatrist and I should get an appointment through in a few weeks...but its a male, I do know him, he was my consultant when I was n hospital a few years ago, still not sure though, still scared to be in the room on my own with the door shut

Cpn says that she spoke to him and psychologist about trying lithium but he has to see me a few times before he will consider it, cpn thinks if he decides I will benefit from it, it will take probably 2-3 months for him to prescribe it, not sure I can carry on feeling like this for another 2-3 months
Not heard back yet from psychologist

You know what, rhks, you have a lot of fears etc, but at the same time you know they are just that, that they are not really rational etc. So why don't you just try to hang on to that? Because your 'analysis' of them is totally sane ie you know the reasons for them. It's just that you need to not let them spiral out of control.

No one is laughing behind your back, not the medical professionals who try to help people out. Really, they don't.

Wrt the male psy- give it a try, you can't hide forever from them. Not to sound patronizing, but not every man is out to hurt women. If you will get a panic attack during your consultation, it will show him something as well, show him the extent of your fears and emotional scars etc.

What I meant is that him seeing you being uncomfortable/ terrified might not be a bad thing iyswim. x

grrrrrr why cant theyput their phone back on the reciever properly
Not heard from psychology s I phoned and all I keep getting is the other person has hung up, phoned swith board to be told they dont have any other way of contacting them, I've just to keep trying try walking over to department and asking them to put phone back on reciever, phone out patients and ask them to go up the stairs and say to them.
It doesn't take a brain surgeon to work something out.

Some one really is trying to tell me something

rhks there is no one to tell you anything. You are living your own life. Making your own decisions. It's a rigth old PITa that you can't get through but it's good that you are angry about it. They will realise soon enough that no one is ringing and sort it out.

I give up
Thats it, no more

Why give up now?

because I'm tired
tired of it always being a struggle
tired of breathing
tired of life