I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

rhk just wanted to see how you were today.
Please listen to Will and Winny, they have made it through, you can make it through, like them.
There is a time when you will be happy, keep working through, rest and keep writing and talking to you psychologist.
Will come back later to see how you are.

rhk how are you? What are you doing today?
Have you managed to write anything down for the psychologist?

I haven't really done much today, kids are off school now until Tuesday, was supposed to take them bowling but couldnt get past the front door.
Had wrote a couple of things down but lost the plot and tore them up
Guess tomorrows another day and maybe I'll manage it better.
I think because I dont know when I'm seeing her again makes it seem less urgent, that I can pretend that I'm normal and I dont need to do it, dont need to feel, but then reality sets in and I'm back in the real world.

Hi rhk, I was a bit worried when you hadn't posted. You sound a lot better than last night, a lot.
Could you take the kids somewhere less busy, like a country park or somewhere less stressful and more relaxing?
I was thinking about the writing, do you think you could set a small target of writing a sentence a day and by the time you see the psychologist you should have something to show her? No tearing though.
Take it easy tonight if you can and get some rest,you deserve it.
Take care.

rhk how are you today? Do you have any plans?

Hi again, just wanted to pop in and see if you were about rhk.

rhk sorry if I am being a pain, but are you OK?

rowingboat
your not being a pain,
not doing too well just now, am panicing about everything, my daughters operation is in 2 days and every worst case is going through my head,
struggling to cross the road as I keep thinking the kids will get knocked down, really horrible thoughts are going through my head and I cant get them to stop

rhk I'm not surprised you are worried it's only natural. It's OK to feel frightened. I would be climbing the walls if it were my child.
By Wednesday you can look back and just feel relieved that it is done and that your daughter has had the operation she needs and will be much better.
I thought you might be having a difficult time and had gone quiet, I'm so glad you have posted, it's good to hear from you.
Have you managed to write a couple of lines for the psychologist?

Hi rhksmum, how's your weekend been?

You sound v anxious at the minute. Not surprising of course, you must be worried about your daughter. Don't know if this is of any use to you but I was taught a technique for blocking anxious and intrusive thoughts. It was under hypnosis so maybe your psychologist could do it? Basically I was told that every time a scary or nasty thought would come into my head, I'd see a big red stop sign, count to 3 and the thought would disappear. It sounds odd but it's been so effective. I spent years driving myself mad, trying to reason with myself and the awful thoughts so I was v dubious about this working but it's been a life saver. I know it's important to work through your thoughts etc. but sometimes you just need a fucking break, right? It's horrible feeling trapped in your own head, it's been such a liberating experience getting some control back.

Just wanted to let you know there are these little tricks and coping techniques your psychologist can help you with over time. It all helps.

Also, don't know if it occurred to you that you can just use this writing stuff down for yourself? You don't have to give it to anyone if you don't want to. I think you're very good at expressing yourself through the written word, every post you write has real depth of feeling and gives such a clear sense of your state of mind. I think it would give your psychologist a lot to work with if you were to write your thoughts down for her but... if it helps AT ALL to write it down then rip it up, do it for yourself.

Maybe when you're feeling better you could think about a creative writing course? Who knows...

And if you couldn't face wading through the above few paragraphs, hello and hope you're ok

You're just catastrophizing. You didn't tell us what's your dd's condition, but in any case she'll be operated on by people with lots of experience who do it every day. She'll be fine, I'm sure. Your kids will not get knocked over if they cross on a green light and look right and left!

It seems like your dd's op is making you very anxious- at the same time it seems that you know that!

How are your lines for the psy going?

I've wrote some stuff, just words, I cant seem to write what I want to write, too ashamed to actually say it out loud, to put it in writing, scared of the consequences, but its eating me up, its not going away no matter how much I try.

winnybella your right, when I'm in the house and the kids are here with me, and the doors are locked I know nothing bad can happen, but when they are out, whether its with me or on their own, I panic, my mind goes into overdrive and I imagine the worst.
If I manage some sleep I cant go in their rooms to wake them in the morning because I'm scared I will find them not breathing.

I'm sorry, I'm just rambling now

rhksmum, I used to think the same thing about DS. I was always terrified to go and wake him because I just knew that he would be lying there dead. I remember phoning DH to make him come home from work early because I was too scared to go into his room.

It's awful but it's just your brain's way of expressing your anxiety. These gruesome things still pop into my head but now I can make them GO AWAY.

When these thoughts arise, try just saying 'STOP' (I quite like saying 'FUCK OFF' too ) then take a deep breath and force yourself to think of something else. Think about something/ a place that makes you feel happy beforehand and have that ready as your distracting thought when the nasties pop up. It takes a bit of practise but it just becomes habit eventually. The hypnosis bit I mentioned above really helped me because it just lodged it in my brain and I didn't have too work too hard at doing it but you can do it for yourself.

Don't put any pressure on yourself with the words, there's no rush. They might come all of a sudden anyway.

Hi rhksmum,
Just want you to know that i'm thinking about you. Let us know how your daughter is doing when you are able. xx

rhk just wanted to say I hope the operation goes smoothly and you both end up feeling happier and calmer afterwards.
You sound a lot more lucid than in previous posts and I agree with Hairy about your writing on here. You write very clearly and express yourself very well, particularly considering the pressure you are under.
I was thinking when you said you felt ashamed if you could write in the third person, as if you are telling somebody about an event that affected somebody else, just to get some distance?
Hairy's advice on telling the thoughts and voices to stop sounds useful.

I cant sleep
Everything is going through my head, I know it will be ok, that she will be ok, but I dont know if I will be, I'm scared that once this is by with I have nothing to hide behind, nothing to use as a reason why I'm in a state.
I know there is other things going on, the court case, her behaviour but this was the big thing, I had given myself until she had gotten her operation and then I didnt need to be here anymore, my oldest has finished his exams now so thats another box ticked

I feel like I'm existing, but not actually living.
I feel soo much anger but it's directed at the wrong people, but mainly at myself.

I dont know anymore
I dont even know what I'm trying to say

Morning. Hope you managed to get some sleep.

The early hours are hard. Have you tried getting up and putting the radio on for half an hour? It's good to get out of your head for a while.

Your children will always need you and want you around. Even more so when they go on to have families of their own.

Do you see the psychologist this week?

rhk there is a lot going on for you and your family, but you are doing an amazing job. It's not surprising that you feel flattened by it all.
I don't know your history, but from what you are saying you have been abused, which is not your fault or your choice, but something you have to deal with. You aren't hiding behind things like the operation, there is a big trauma that you have gone through, which is bound to affect you, whether or not other things are going on. It must affect your ability to cope with the other crises which come along and make you desperate and angry.
From what everyone else is saying you will feel better and more able to cope with things when your past has been worked through.
There are lots of reasons for you to be here, for one, your children will continue to love you and want you to be there for them as they grow and go on to have their own families. Then you will be able to hand the grandchildren back and your children will realise what a good job you have done in sticking around. Show them it can be done.
Have you heard back from the psychologist about going for another appointment?
You probably won't believe this, but you sound a lot more calm and lucid now than you did a week or so ago.
I would love to give you a hug, but you probably wouldn't thank me for it.
Speak soon

We're home, she's had her operation.
I should be relieved its over with but I cant shift this horrible feeling in the bottom of my stomach.
Too many triggers in there, too much trying to look the perfect mum when all i wanted to do was run, to leave her there, to hide from the thoughts.

Not heard anything from psychologist, guessing she's still off as normally she would have phoned with another appointmnet and there is no message on my house phone, so I'll just have to wait and see.

rhks no you can't leave her after her op you silly moo - all three of them still need you and will need you for ages to come.

I knew you wouldn't sleep last night - but at least the op is over.

You know where I am if you need to talk - and if you don't talk for too long I know where you are and I will come and bother you

Big safe hug xx

Glad her operation is over with.

Hope you get some rest tonight.

rhk you both did it! Even if you do have a bad feeling, you still did it. Good for you, it must have been hard.
There are some horrible colds going around at the moment, you psychologist could have picked something up. Poor old thing must be lying in bed with a hot toddy.
How was your daughter after the op?
It's horrible to have that sinking feeling in your stomach, but it will go eventually, bit by bit and you will find things that start to make you happy.
Try to get some sleep tonight if you can.

Hi rhk, just wanted to pop on to say I hope your daughter is feeling better today.

She's tired and bad tempered which is to be expected
I'm tired and bad tempered which is begining to feel normal now

Didn't sleep at all last night, my daughter slept until 9am which for her is a very long lie, but I coldn't go in and check her, couldn't step foot into her room because I thought she was dead, had to wait for my oldest to come back from my friends to get him to check her, so I guess that puts be a the top of the list for crappiest/worst mum ever

rhks how does being afraid your daughter is dead make you a bad mum? With all the fears you already have and the day you had it stands to reason that you would feel that way. If ds has a lie in I usually feel the same.

Don't be so hard on yourself! xx