Support thread for those with PND

[not4anotherday]

Hi there,

I thought a support thread might help me and others to get through this.

I think I have got PND again, I was diagnosed when my baby was about 5 months and took ads for a few months (I was ill and could'nt stomach them and thought I was ok without them).

Anyway it has dawned on me that it may well be back. I think a friendship (that was very special to me) ending may well have triggered it before christmas.

So, here I am just about to meet a friend (who is lovley) but I don't really feel like it and think this friendship will probably end at some point like most of them. I am worried that I will say or do something wrong. I know I need to get a grip.

Then there is the crying, unable to get off to sleep, late evening is when I feel worst.... snappy with the kids.....feel like I need to go on holiday and get away from it all (no my family).....will be but not for 5/6 weeks.

I keep worrying that DH is going to leave me - he might if I keep being so pathetic.

So, on that cheery note anyone else?

Feeling a bit down, am off to bed, tommorrows another day.

not4 - hope tomorrow is more positive for you. sleep well.

Would it be okay if I rant? Please don't read if you're already feeling low, would hate to drag any of you down. And apologies for language.

I'm so fucking sick and tired of being ill. All I have ever wanted to be is normal. But NO, I hear voices, I see things, I need fucking medication to keep a normal balance in my brain. And just to make my life more fun, an disabled. I can't walk on certain days. I need help to do so much as get out of bed! I had so much going for me - no, I wasn't happy, but I was successful! I was at Roedean for goodness sakes, I was filling in my uni applications. And I was thin. I was oh so thin. The voices were under control, the cutting wasn't as over powering as it had been - I was popular. I was earning my own money.

I'm getting frustrated with DP; is it really that hard to abstain from drinking and smoking for two days whilst your son is there? And as for telling me I'm not ill, I'm just a melodramatic teenager - thanks. That's exactly what I really need to hear right now. Yes, sometimes I do act younger than you, but that's because I am. You have fifteen years on me - don't expect me to always be on the same level as you.

Dearest parents - I love you very much. But stop telling me how to be a mother. Yes, I am supporting his neck. Yes I am going to carry on breast feeding, and yes, I will do it on demand; in case you haven't noticed he's got himself into his own routine. No, I don't want you to make up a bottle of formula. Yes I know I'm grumpy - I'm exhausted. Maybe its got something to do with the fact that you got a fucking DOG who does not stop barking; and all you say is "Well someone should take him for a walk.." I'm disabled with a new born and the weather is crap. Do you honestly think I have the time or energy or ability to walk him?! And I know it was years ago, but yes I am still angry with you for those things you said and did, and will probably never forget or give them, much as I wish I could. I'm not trying to cause problems, but it hurt.

I just want to cut and throw up, and down a bottle of tablets with some vodka. The worse thing is that I've had a really good day, but I'm still dying to dig out my penknife. I want it to hurt outside so it can stop hurting inside. I'm so fed up of all this pain. I try to be a good person, I try to be a good mother, I try to be a good friend, I try to be a good daughter, I try to be a good student, I try to be a good girlfriend, but I always screw it up.

Am trying to stay strong for my little man - my little wiggle bum bear - but I wonder if he would just be better off with someone else, like everyone said when I was pregnant. I love him so much, and I just want what is best for him. Sometimes I just feel so numb towards him, and I hate myself for it.

My life is going no where. I have no idea when I'm going to be well enough to work or learn or train again. And I just want this god damned case over with - it makes me feel physically sick to think about it. I thought she was going to kill me; I would have signed anything to get the hell out of that room. And again, we're back to the fact that my fucking BRAIN doesn't work correctly.

Sometimes I really just want to go to sleep and not wake back up. I hate myself so very much.

I just want people to love me.

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Sorry I worried you Christiana. I didn't call them this time, although I have in the past. Was just one of those nights. But DS slept through - stirred at 0630 so I fed him before he was entirely awake as I was waiting for him to wake up! Have had just under eight hours sleep, and am feeling a lot better. Sleep deprivation has got so much to do with feeling down, unfortunately.

Am just having some breakfast then aiming for another hours sleep.

The case... Well, Becky will know about this as have ranted enough times on the November thread. Long story short was pressure sold into a credit agreement for some photos that I can't afford. So am just waiting for them to take me to court. But it has turned a bit nasty.

Again, sorry. I can't write in my diary as my mum reads them - but she has no idea how to use the web!

So sorry Erika that you have so much on your plate at the moment, glad to hear you had a good nights sleep it can make all the difference to your state of mind,
Do you get any real support from anyone? HV GP etc for what they are worth.
Are you on any medication? It sounds like you are feelin really low, sorry to pry but do you have MS?
Your post bought a tear to my eye and just to let you know there are people here who care

Erika stay strong. They are in the wrong.

You do write so well - I really think you should write a book about your experiences. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you have so much going for you - you're so bright and articulate, you're still very young so plenty of time to do lots of things, go back into education, write a book, have a career, enjoy motherhood and you have a lovely, lovely little boy. Don't worry about anyone else, your family especially.

I had a crap night's sleep. It is DH's birthday today so when I went to bed I thought 'I'd better sleep well tonight so I am lively tomorrow'. Ahhh stupid brain! I slept about 3 hours from 1am-4am. So pissed off with this tiresome insomnia. Please tell me it will end and I'll be back to normal soon? My little boys need my energy back again.

DS3's eczema is also worrying me. Poor little man. It's a bit better today but yesterday it was horrendous and his head was really weepy and sticky. I wish I could take away the itching from him. It's keeping him awake at night too. We're as bad as each other.

DH is here today so we're going out for lunch while the MIL babysits all three DSs. I'm just too tired

BeckyBL - DS3 here has eczema as well - it's all over his back and tummy. We've been putting cream on it, but I think I'm going to have to take him in to the GP again, as it's just not getting any better. I do think the laundry soap aggravated it, but I'm not sure. It could have been something he ate I suppose, as he is now eating some solids.

Hi all, not a great nights sleep and a whole day of toddler entertainment ahead, what to do??
Oh well a strong cup of coffee always helps start the day.
May attempt swimming later with DS but its such an effort and am always knackered after, but DS does enjoy himself.
How are you all going to fill the day today?
Half term is nearly over!!

Half-term is nearly over and my two eldest can go back to preschool in the mornings which will hopefully calm them down.

Erika- hope you are having a better day today.Just try and take it hour by hour when you are feeling so bad Things will get beter it's just hard to see that when you are in the middle.

I started on my ADs today. Not sure its the right thing to do or not as I feel ok but don't want to risk getting bad again.

Becky- I have insomnia just like you where I tell myself I have to sleep because its a big day next day and this makes it worse. it is so frustrating.

Anyway, today DH has taken DCs out for a few hours (hes still on paternity) so just me and DC4 so going to have a bit of a clean and tidy whenhe has a sleep. i always fee good when the house is in order. Hope you all have a good day.

Erica ((((hugs)))) How you doing today?

Hi Topsi I know what you mean about swimming but you will feel better once you've been and DS will be worn out.
I'm going to town to get school shoes and have a wander/ kill a few hours.

Becky I know what you mean abut feeling good when your house is order.

Feeling in a bit of a mood today, maybe I'm just tired?

Actually feeling more positive today than I have in a while. I think it's down to a 2hour toddler group this morning, plus DH taking over the boys for an extra hour or two this morning so I could get some sleep (was up quite a bit last night, plus insomnia!). In fact, I was feeling upbeat enough that after toddler group, because 3yo was so happy and well behaved there, that I picked up McD's happy meal for him for lunch. (Yes, I know, some people truly frown on McD's, but I think as an occasional treat, it's really not an issue) So he is happily munching on chips and chicken nuggets right now. I even got myself a happy meal (fish fingers, as I'd like DS to try them and this seemed the easiest way, so no waste if he doesn't like them!). And orange juice for the drink. Got a bit of a chuckle when the person taking the order said "will that be Fruit Shoots with those then?" It made me think of some of the threads on Mumsnet about McD's, fruit shoots, and Greggs sausage rolls and kind of laughed a little. I'm sure the McD's employee thinks I'm absolutely mad.
I've made tentative plans to continue going to this group, as well as a toddler group at a local soft play place that they've recommended. And then next week is the outing to the fire station as well, which is the same group. I'm quite looking forward to it. I definitely think getting out and doing things is helping me keep things more positive. I actually feel like getting stuff done now, whereas yesterday I couldn't be bothered and felt like I had no energy. Fingers crossed this continues.

Erica - hope you are having a better day today!

Topsi - oh yeah, DS is usually wiped right out after swimming - but then so am I! I've been known to take a nap after swimming myself! But it is fun - I seriously am considering saving up to buy a summer pass to our local swimming center for our family so we can go regularly this summer, I just need to decide if we would go often enough to justify the cost.Hope you enjoy your swimming outing !

becky7000 - I feel better when the house is in order as well. It's like a vicious circle when I'm down as I get nothing done, and then I feel badly about it. But on a more positive note, just doing even a little job that I've been meaning to get to makes me feel so much better about myself. Glad you're getting some time to relax a bit and that your DH is enjoying some time with your little ones as well! Hope your mood will take a turn for the better today - or at least you can get some rest!

Triggles I am glad you have had a good day and are feeling more positive.

I am feeling odd today, I can't be bothered to do much. I made the effort and got 3 DC ready to go to town and my bloody car would'nt start. We are watching mama mia now - feel bad cos at least the girls would have got their new shoes and a treat from the cake shop!

Just feel like a bit of a rubbish person really.

not4 - aw, sorry your day out got scuppered by your car! That always is frustrating, as it adds to the worry of "oh god, what's wrong with the car?" At least, it does for me! Any idea why the car won't start?

Can you make a cake treat at home instead? I've been keeping stuff at home to make cakes, so that if DS wants a treat, and I'm simply not up for going out, we can make cakes at home. I told him today that once DH gets up for the day that we'll go out in the kitchen and make cakes - although I know that's not good for my weight! hahaha AND I'm being lazy - using a cake mix! I really need to double check with MIL and get her recipe again - I lost the silly recipe a month or so ago, and can't remember it. sigh It's the second time I've done it, too. I've found when I'm depressed or stressed, the memory is one of the first things to fall apart for me.

DS3 is fussing, he's soooo tired, but doesn't want to give in! He's rolling around in the playpen, growling, refusing to go to sleep. He needs to just GIVE IN and go to sleep, the monkey! And of course, DS2 is sitting near the cot, munching an apple now. DS3 is looking a bit like he will claw through the side of the playpen and swipe the apple soon... even though he's already eaten as well!

Thanks Triggles -the battery was flat!!! So it has been sorted but need a spin so i was forced to go out , which was good for me, girls got their shoes and cake.

I'm glad that you are feeling upbeat.

I've had a good day today. Slept well last night and took DSs into town despite the sleet. They were happy as they got to spend book vouchers they got for Christmas. DS2 chose 'Little Miss Naughty and the Good Fairy'. Such a girly book but he really wanted it so fine with me! DS1 chose a Horrid Henry book. I hate Horrid Henry but again, if it encourages him to read, I don't mind. DS3 was too little to choose his books so I chose for him!

Sometimes I just feel though that all I do is keep everything ticking along: everyone clothed, wee'd, fed, cuddled, entertained, etc and keep house ticking along, clothes washed, ironed, food bought, cooked etc from 7am-8.30pm every day. It's hard work sometimes. And I even have to feed two cats!

BBL I'm glad you have a good day.
Your paragraph about keeping everything ticking along is exactly how I feel. I think it is the boredom of the same old same old that gets to me.

Poitive action for tommorrow. Do an activity with DD1 and DD2 when DD3 at nursery! Don't know what yet.

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Christiana - oh, so glad you got some sleep! It does make such a difference, doesn't it? I have difficulty with small talk, too. I am wondering if it's part of the PND thing.. like I can't think of anything NORMAL to chat about - just things that upset or aggravate me, which I don't want to discuss.

I'm struggling a bit tonight. I get a bit frustrated, as I was having such a good day, but emotions can turn so quickly when hormones are involved, I've noticed. DH was tired, so hinting around that he wanted to get some more sleep tonight, so he slept from 6pm to 10pm, then up and off to work. I understand he was tired, and that I had a bit of a lie-in this morning.. but I slept from 7am to 9am... because I was up most of the night with DS3. Not EXTRA sleep, mind you, but sleep I needed to function. And then he went to bed, and as he always goes to bed around 9am, he still got his normal amount of sleep today (9am-4pm, so about 7 hours). I understand he has to work again tonight, but I get put in this really tough place. He always asks "do you mind.." but honestly.. if I say that I DO mind and want him to stay awake during the evening, I feel mean and unreasonable. But then I resent him for it while he's asleep and I'm dealing with DS3 all evening with no assistance, after dealing with him all day and night, knowing I'll be at it again all night and day again... And thinking "I got NOWHERE NEAR 7 hours of sleep - and he's still tired?!?!" If he stays awake, then he just tends to not odd on the sofa, which means he's not much help with DS3, as he's falling asleep...and there's no point talking to him or trying to watch someone on telly together either. So he might as well be in bed. So then I feel resentful because it's just pointless either way. And the anger just builds, completely out of proportion. I start feeling like FFS why can't you stay awake and keep me company for a bit and help me out so I don't go mad?!?!? sigh Can't tell I'm a bit wound up right now, can you? This is a nightly thing, I swear. And it's another reason I insisted he change his work schedule. I cannot go on this way. But I have to deal with it until the beginning of April, when his hours change. Then it should improve. But until then, I'm really having difficulty dealing with it.

Ok, sorry. Rant over.

Side note - was going to have DS3's immunisations Monday, but put it off as MIL was coming over for unplanned visit and didn't want to be rude and leave as soon as she got here for baby clinic. Then was going to do it Friday, as I really need to get DS3's eczema checked as well (wanted to get it done Monday as well sigh but..). So now I've had a couple nights with rotten sleep (typical), a DH who will be working all night the next couple nights (interpret that as sleeping all day grrrrr), which means if he gets ill or cranky after immunisation, I'm still dealing with it on my own, when I'm exhausted already. Mentioned it to DH and his helpful comment? "well, maybe he'll be like DS2 and not get cranky afterwards." So where exactly is he going with that? Meaning that I should just suck it up and go get the immunisation and hope he reacts well?? But if he gets ill and cranky afterwards, at that point, it's too late, isn't it. Rather an "oops that didn't work" moment when I can least handle it. DH swears it was just an offhanded comment, but honestly I feel pressured now to just get the immunisation and hope for the best (which we all know means I'll have another rotten night, don't we?). Oh, sorry, ranting again.... I'll try to calm down and just shut up for a bit...

(sorry, that should read "nod OFF on on the sofa" yeesh.. typing challenged when I rant....LOL

argh! "nod OFF on the sofa"... and "watch someTHING on the telly"... eek any more ??

ok... DS3 finally fell asleep. and now I'm too wound up to sleep.

And DS1, DIL & DGS will be visiting this weekend (they are staying at my MILs as she has a spare bedroom and we don't). I wish they would take time to email or ring and just confirm some plans. DH works most of the weekend, and I'm stressed to the eyeballs. They're going to call at the last minute and say "oh we're popping over in about an hour" and expect that to be fine, regardless of who (kids or adults) is sleeping, and so even if we did want to pop out (to supermarket or whatever), we'll be tied to the house and can't really go. And no matter what time they say they'll be here, they'll be late. It will be lovely to see them, honestly... just the details can get a bit aggravating sometimes, especially when I'm already stressed. Kids....gotta love 'em, right?

Oh my swimming was tiring we were both tired and grumpy after, but then we were both tired and grumpy before!
Completely lost it with DS when he was refusing to get into his car seat. He is so naughty sometimes and when I am tired I just see red! I ask myself what would one of these supermums do in that situation? Well I expect people become super mums because they have compliant children?? Not sure just a thought.
Christina glad you sorted your car out in the end and managed to get out. Going out and being sociable? not the best person to advise on that as it id not one of my strong points, just be a good listner?