|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

My mum left (or rather got him to move out) when i was slightly older than your daughter. She should have left when I was a young baby but it was much harder to do that back then.

Anyway, it was a huge relief all round when we finally didn't have an alcoholic in the house but by no means end of matter. Things did get much worse for him too, but at least for us it was in the distance.

There are loads of organisations these days that specialise in helping children of alcoholics though eg. (from quick google) www.nacoa.org.uk/

I'm afraid the worst of the lasting affects for me were probably caused by having to pretend there wasn't really a problem.

I'm not very tolerant of drunks either

Why snowkitten are you wasting your time on "getting your H" to the GP. Why aren't you using your energy to get out. If your mother knows how this is affecting you and your children why isn't she insisting you move in with her - i don't understand. Look do you need money to get away, because if you do I for one would happily give you as much as I can afford and I'm sure others who have followed this thread would do likewise. I am not rich or anything like that but could afford a few hundred if that would help. I suspect though it is more an emotional block that is stopping you getting out and fear of what he will do, but nothing can be as bad as what you are living through now and again please think about the children if nothing else.

Sorry snow I am not being unsupportive though I know it sounds like I am. I am just truly truly worried for you and you children, especially your daughter.

Let us know what we can do to help

snowkitten
citalopram is going to do bugger all if there is loads of alcohol in his system.
It's like putting a sticking plaster on a severed limb.
He is an alcoholic who is damaging your children and you must force him to leave your house anyway you can, even if it means calling the police when he's going off on one.
You can not expose your children to this abuse any longer - and yes, his behaviour is abuse.
Iunderstand how difficult this must be for you, and there will be a lot of support for you here in the weeks and months to come if you take the step. But you must take the step - he must go.

can you get him sectioned?

He can only get sectioned if he has a mental disorder and is diplaying behaviour that would be a risk to his health, safety or the safety of others.
Being erratic and abusive simply because he is pissed up is not classified as a mental disorder.
If he goes off on one at home, OP needs to call police

Snowkitten, with me the moment when I went from "wait-and-see paralysis" to "make some changes" came from a single realisation: That I had lost pretty much everything.

I had been clinging to the hope that if we just got over this "bad patch", one day we'd work out a way of having a good relationship. But that was a false hope. The reality was that the relationship I was in that day was a hollow, abusive sham. I'd lost any real hope of a good relationship.

I'd also been clinging to the thought that I didn't want to break up our children's home. But the reality was that our children's home was already broken. My children were confused, fearful and sad. I'd lost the fantasy that my children were better off with both mum and dad together.

I'd also been hanging on to the thought that I could take it, I could deal with the abuse and the drama and the tension, and could cope with it all and keep a lid on everything and I'd be ok. I wasn't. The reality was that the stress was making me physically ill. I lost the fantasy that I could cope with anything.

That moment when I realised that I'd lost everything what I held most dear - my relationship, my children's best interests, my own health - was both terrifying and liberating. Terrifying because the utter fucking shambles that my life had become was suddenly obvious. And liberating because it meant that I no longer had to worry about making changes and my own actions making things worse. Pretty much anything I could do would make things better because it couldn't get much worse than what I was already living through. And so I ended the relationship. And life got immeasurably better. Not overnight, but there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish I could show you the difference in my own health and happiness, and the extraordinary difference in my children since my alcoholic ex and I split up. My children had withdrawn into shells I didn't even see because all my attention was on trying to manage the alcoholic chaos and drama. Now, though, they're well out of those shells and are funny, happy, lovely and able to just be kids.

I'd urge you to read The Bridge. The whole Classic Threads bit of the friends and family section of Sober Recovery is well worth a look, too, although it will take you a while to wade through it all.

Totally agree with you Dittany (ok a turn up for the books I know!) and very interested in your post snorbs but what is it going to take for snow to get to where you got to snorbs. There have been numerous posts all saying much the same thing but they appear to be falling on stoney ground.

Agree that the anti-depressants are not going to do anything for someone with a serious drink problem, and offer nothing by way of a solution. As for sectioning - NO - he has to be a danger to himself or others by virtue of the fact that he has a treatable mental health condition, and he doesn't fall into this category. Yes he is a danger to others (including children) but not because he has a mental health condition in the clinical sense. He is an abuser of alocohol with severe psychological problems and I hate to say this but snow is I fear aiding and abetting his behaviour by her inability to get herself and her children away from this dangerous man.

Seems now like snow might go off the radar like she did before and if so there is nothing any of us can do. In fact I feel we have all done as much as we can and maybe we have to just accept that she will not leave this man, and her poor kids will end up living in fear and tension for the rest of their childhood and become adults who suffer from mental health difficulties possibly throughout their lifetime.

god snow, this is so sad.

I was thinking about you this morning - don't know why.

You know the saddest thing about this: You are not even helping your dh by staying there...you're enabling him.

Whilst sacrificing your peace of mind and that of your poor children you are not actually even helping your dh.

Sorry.

"but what is it going to take for snow to get to where you got to snorbs"

That's a question only snow can answer. Just as an alcoholic has to properly "hit bottom" before they have a hope of sorting their lives out, so do those of us trapped in relationships with abusive alcoholics. When you lose all hope that the alcoholic will improve, when you lose all hope that you can carry on living that life... That's when you think "No more" and start making positive changes.

Anti-Ds will not make a difference to someone who is drinking heavily.

Can you look into yourself and identify why you are locked into this relationship and tell us why?

Are you scared of taking on responsibility for the lives of you and your children on your own? You will be able to get more useful, supportive and constructive help from posters here if you can confide your true feelings. None of us is perfect, we all have weaknesses and failings, we will understand yours if you are brave enough to tell us. That's the beauty of an anonymous forum. Let it out, snowkitten, what's going on with you?

Whst sre you really frightened of?

Endorse all that you say mumonthenet, snorbs and earthstar - you are all wise women. I know what you mean snorbs and have never not known this really. I know that my frustration is coming from the fact that I can't get the daughter's fear out of my head and when snow tells us these awful things and then her attention and thoughts turn back to the H I do I'm afraid feel frustrated. I have no "right" to feel this I know - but feelings are facts.

I do also wonder sometimes about snow's tactics on MN - this isn't meant to sound critical - and it may well be a further dimension of her "paralysis" and fear. What I am referring to is snow posting a while ago that she was "sorted" and lots of posters were cheering her on and believing that she was OUT etc. I thought it was her way of saying "please back off- I'm not able/willing to take the action you are all urging me to" and then there is a long silence and she comes back and tells us she is posting on other threads under a different name. I wonder if this is to put a different slant on the problem (maybe not even done at a conscious level) and get some of us off her back and sort of "strat again" - I don't know - I'm not trying to be clever - I am just thinking out load really.

Earthstar - you ask snow what it is exactly that is keeping her in the r/ship. I would think it has to be anxiety which is the medical name for fear - doesn't it have to be fear - snow is so locked into tiptoeing around him to keep the cart on the wheels (which isn't successful of course) that she is surely frightened of doing anything that is not pandering to him to keep the cart on the wheels. And leaving him must be one of the most scary things of all - maybe the questions are "what will he do" - snow might be afraid to even think of the next step and this is evidenced by the fact that she is afraid to even contact WA - I'm not sure she has even now, and now says her mom is going to contact them.

I have worked with women involved in DV situations for many years and I'm afraid that when the emotional block is so great the only thing to do is to take action to protect the children. If the abusing father won't stop and the mother consistently fails to protect then that is the only option. Sadly that isn't going to happen - yet, but hopefully it will if snow continues to fail to protect.

SORRY SNOW I know it sounds horrible to say these things and I do feel for you but think that you have come to the end of the line really.

Dittany

she posted here.

Oh my gosh snowkitten, you say on your other thread that you "swing from hatred to hope."

So its hope that keeps you in there?

Hope that if you stay with your dh and weather the storm everything will come right?

snow here is my brutally honest take on things.
First of all, I think it's easy for a person in denial to read all these responses and think "well it's alright for them, but they're not me and they're not in my shoes" - well you're right, we don't know you and all the ins and outs of your situation but we can respond to the details you have given us and relate it to our own experience. Nobody on here is judging you for being in the situation you are in and in reality they are not judging you for your way of dealing with it. What we are all trying to say is that "we have been in x situation, this is how we dealt with it, and this is what we learnt from it" We are trying to be helpful and hoping to avoid anyone else going through the same hell we did in various forms. We are not man hating bitches who are only interested in you kicking the poor bastard out. When we sound harsh in our "advice" it's only because we care and you have reminded us of how difficult the situation is and i guess re-awakened our strong feelings from our own lives. Please don't think we are having a pop at you .
Reading between the lines, you have said taht your dh is a director or similar etc. I imagine taht you have a good lifestyle, kids in private school, nice house, nice friends in the neighbourhood who know you and your dh and the thought of walking away from that lifestyle to stay in a dodgy bedsit in a different town and embark on the world of benefits and injunctions etc must be terrifying.
Is that part of the problem?
If so, please say, because everybody can understand where you are coming from. Nobody will judge you for being worried about that.
You have never discussed your financial situation, is money an issue?
If I was in your shoes and I had some money, I would walk away and find myself a nice place to rent out away from dh, but still in the area if that's what you want for schools etc... It would be much less traumatic than the whole refuge/council house/emergency accomodation route. Womens aid/solicitors etc will still be able to help you get the house etc sorted later on. I just think you need some space from him and the whole situation to get a bit of respite and perspecitive for you and your kids.
Are you worried about being judged by your neighbours/colleagues etc? Are you worried they are thinking "nasty bitch breaking up those kids happy family" etc?
Because tbh, you have already said people have started to notice. They won't think that. They will pity him not you. "more likely they are thinking wtf is Mr snow up to, drunken bastard" than anything else, and that's his problem to sort out, not yours.

Please take the plunge and get away for a few days with your kids. You can still go back if you want to, but at least give yourself and your kids a break from it.

Snowkitten - I am wondering why you are posting on other threads and with other names. Of course you are at liberty to do so but I just wonder about your motives. It seems the only thing you are willing to do is to air your problems and get cyber advice and then do nothing. Why are you getting relatives to make phone calls for you - your mother phoning WA and your brother phoning a solicitor. This is not going to get you anywhere. You can't deal with things like this second and third hand. All the questions you are asking on the other thread can be sorted out by Women's Aid or if as has been suggested you are well off financially you could get your queries answered by a solicitor and get yourself a private rent. Presumably you can't/won't make the phone calls from home bcause your H is there but why in gods name can't you go out and make the calls (you must have a mobile?)

Sorry but I am running out of sympathy for you - onthe other thread you tell us that you are allowing your H to drive your daughter to school after he has been drinking. How do you know it's just one glass of wine - maybe 2, 3 or god knows how many. And you are prepared to let him risk your daughter's life - and other peoples by drink driving. Also if drink is being mixed with anti depressants that is a dangerous combination. And as someone else says why would a GP prescribe antri-ds to someone who is abusing alcohol - he has probably told the GP a load of crap.- sorry enough is enough. All I hope is that someone else can make a move to protect your children.

Your poor children

humpty - we have a terraced house on a main road, dd is in private school, ds not in school yet. We have good neighbours but they like me, not him, we have no mutual friends and never go out together as a couple. I have acquaintances from toddler groups etc. but only one good, long standing friend locally. Money is not an issue only inasmuch as i dno't have any myself.
NANA - i have family making calls because i have no space here and even if I am out, i am with my ds who is only 3 so it is hard to make important calls in his company. i post under diff name cos my dd got wind of my name on here so i had to change it. re: finances, i have no money - he does bu he would have to continue supporting us anyway from what i hvae learned. also, i did not send my dd off to school in his car knowing he had had a drink! i discovered that abou 10 mins after they left adn spent the rest of the journey on the phone to her! Iknow hyou are frustrated with me and I dno;'t blame you. I am not a dreadful person, I am afraid, overwhelmed and trying my hardest to do this right

snowkitten, you make me think of a deer caught in the headlights on an oncoming car. You have to move, woman!

No-one is saying you're a "dreadful person" but by not getting your children out of harm's way, you are behaving in a criminally irresponsible manner. If something should happen to them, God forbid, how could you bear it?

i think the main thing is letting go of any responsibility you feel towards him.

you owe him nothnig.

he has scared you and your kids enough times, you dont have to justify leaving him any more. your mother, your brother support you. go to them. it is half term soon, your daughter can take some time off. get far far away for a couple of weeks...

you HAVE to take the kids away from him and today, dont wait any more. tell his GP if you like - that you are going - but that is the limit of your responsibility towards him.

citalopram isnt going to kick in overnight - if he is actually taking the tablets -

and when my ex started taking citalopram he got even more weird and agressive

and if he is still drinking (and getting mad because he doesnt want you to leave him) then this truly is a dangerous time...

knowing/realising that you are not repsonsible for him - only for you and the dcs - that is the mental leap you need to take, that is what helped me see what to do

Why not go to a friend or relatives place and take it from there? Why doesn't that work for you?

i am so afraid. i am afraid of taking the children away from their home/posessinos/friends. Not worried about me losing stuff - couldnt't give a toss about it. Ironically, if it were not for the children I would leave thss minute. i am terrified of everytghing now. leaving, staying, you name it