|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

Snowkitten no frustration with you here either - just support x

tbank youy - believe me I need it

snowkitten, thanks for updating us.

am sure this has been said before but many women in extremely difficult situations feel more stressed, not less stressed, by the constant nagging Leave Him, Leave Him, Leave Him. They then start to feel more inadequate because they can't seem to do what "everybody" tells them to do.

Tis your life, your pace, you know best.

And if you need support this is the place to come.

Thanks for the update, no frustration here either.

Hope your CAB appointment goes well.
xx

things have taken a nasty turn. dd is totally wrung out wiht this. She waits for himto get in so she can see how he is. last nigth was one of the the worst nights of my life. dd heard dh come in, she came ds saw he was not sober (though not uttery pissed) and she webnt mad, crying and screaming and saying she might as well not live if this is her life. Begging hin to stop becuas she is afraid he is going to die, It was horrific. She was beside herself. I actually slapped her to stop her escalating hysteria. I am totally ashamed, it was not anger it was just to bring her back to where she needed to be. dh still thinkingall of this is cos dd is hyper sensitive and not because he is an alcoholic, fuckwit.I am going to go the WA route, Off to see my mum tomorrow and then I can make calls unhindered. to make matters worse, dh has been taking days off work and hanging around (usually asleep) and I feel suffocated in my own home.

i am SNOWKITTEN but had namechanged cossa dd. Forgot to change back again

Oh snow, that is awful. Your dd sounds like she is under enormous emotional stress. You have to get her out of there.

You will astonished how she will INSTANTLY seem less anxious once he is gone. Make sure you talk to her about it all as honestly as you can. She understands what is going on. She needs you to protect her from him. He isn't interested in keeping her from harm. He is actively hurting her now and choosing the alcohol over his own dd

Get out of there. Now if possible. Before the damage is so great it cannot be reversed.

Don't feel bad for slapping her. You didn't do it in anger, it was to bring her back. You did not cause her pain, but you are having to deal with it and it's now time for you to protect your children and yourself from any more.

Keep posting.

Snowkitten - I don't want to sound unsypathetic but I really hope this is the wake up call that you need. I have never felt a shred of doubt from what you have said that your daughter is the one that is suffering the most. Have you read the threads on MN of adults who are suffering mental health problems because of childhood abuse (and your girl is suffering extreme emotional abuse)and how it is blighting their entire life.

I would go so far as to say now that you are failing to protect your daughter and they are grounds for removing a child from their parents. There is only you who can protect her - PLEASE DO IT.

Women's Aid will help you every step of the way.

Nana you're right, but please be careful not to make snow feel unsupported. Snow is a victim in this too.

Snow it is your H who is doing this to your daughter, but you have the power to protect her. Use that power and you will demonstrate that you are the most incredible and strong mother possible.

Yes this is emotional abuse, and that makes it harder to see. If your H was hitting your daughter would you take her away from there? If he was belittling her or swearing at her would you protect her?

Emotional abuse is harder to see, but just as damaging (if not more damaging) than physical abuse.

We know that you are a victim in all of this. But you must stand up for your daughter now. You must be the saviour and rescue your family from the situation. You can do it. And you must.

just got the most devastating news, dh has been signed off from his position as director at work. Until he hs recovered. That means I now have no space whatsoever. gutted but proactive

snow, am so sorry for you and I have always said you must do what you feel right.

But now, I hope you have no doubt whatsoever about what is right.

It is right to get your children away to a calm and secure environment. It is the only right thing to do. There is no grey area here. You must act...please.

Your dh, his job, his sacking/suspension, his alcoholism, are NOT your responsibility.

Your daughter's emotional health IS your responsibility and this must be your priority.

You have lots of RL support don't you? Please, please take it.

Oh, your poor daughter. Your poor daughter. I'm tempted to ask, can she go and stay with your mum for a bit? She needs to be out of there, and if you can't leave, you at least need to get her away.

It sounds like your husband's drinking, which has been going on forever, is really spiralling out of control now. If you look at the drink threads, the common theme is that one has to 'hit bottom' to recover.

So he's been suspended from work, his marriage is in trouble, his daughter is screaming at him, but none of those things are going to be enough.

You have to leave him, snowkitten. For the sake of your daughter, who hates her life. For your own sake - you haven't been happy for years, you said. For the sake of your son, who is getting older and understands more and more about his home life. And for your husband's sake, because he'll not change if you don't.

snowkitten - you ahve a choice to make here -and it hink you ahve to think about you, your dd and your ds. you CANNOT take on your h and his issues...he has to get help.

the fact he has been signed off work - if this isnt enough to make him go to GP and say "i need help" then tehre is noting you can do. he is an adult.

you need to get him to go somewhere, elsewhere to get better, you cannot do it for him.

if he wont move - you need to take you kids away and let them continue with as normal a life as possible.

you have to separate yourself emotionally and let him go off and get well. only he can do that.

it is hard and might feel "wrong" - but is the only way. self preservation. stay strong.

make it clear to him that he msut go to rehab whatever and you and the kids cannot go thru it with him - it is wholly unfair on them. any of his friends/family he can go to?

Snow, don't underestimate how deeply a 12 year old can feel things. The first time I suffered (from what with hindsight was clearly depression) from depression I was 11. Not even in secondary school. I went so far as to wade into a lake to drown myself. I wanted to die. I wanted it all to end.

Your dd is older than I was. She is under more pressure than I was. She needs to get out of that situation. Does she have anyone that she can talk to? She probably won't want to talk to her friends because they won't understand. She won't want to talk to you because you're so upset and hurt and she won't want to be a burden. Does she have anyone (your mum? and aunt? her form tutor?) to talk to? Does the school know to be looking out for her?

I second tortoise. If you can't bring yourself to leave then please send your children on "holiday" to your mum's.

Please.

I don't want to be unsupportive to snowkitten and I agree she is a victim but she is an adult victim and can take action to protect her daughter which she is failing to do. The young girl is a child victim who is totally powerless in the situation. she has hinted at taking her life - I wouldn't under estimate this threat - it has been going on for a long time and the child is indicating she can take no more. and still snowkitten you are not taking action to protect your child. I am surprised the school have not noticed her distress as it must be showing in all sorts of ways.

Snowkitten what is it going to take for you to leave........I'm sorry I know you have been through an awful time but this is crisis point with your daughter. You posted a while ago that you had several different places where you could go, so what are you waiting for. I hate to say this but if you delay much longer (especially as he is now at home all the time and can presumably drink much more) you might be dealing with far more than a drunken husband.

Yes I agree if you won't leave and I'm sorry it is won't and not can't then why can you not get your daughter out of the situation. Mind she will still be horrendously worried about what is going on at home when she's not there so it isn't really the solution.

Snowkitten I know I said a few days ago no frustration from me only support but the situation has changed and you must act now. If him being suspended from work doesn't wake him nothing will and it's killing (yes) your daughter.

I am married to a lovely man who was in the same situation as your child and the damage is still there. And his symptoms are the same as mine and I was sexually abused. He's going to be dangerous for you all now he's at home. Don't use 'he's at home now I have no space to get advice/call woman's aid' as an excuse not to act. You have to.

Sorry being harsh.

Nana, I know you don't want to be unsupportive. You've been incredibly supportive to snow on this thread

I'm just going through a similar thing to snow at the moment. My H is not an alcoholic but he is emotionally abusive with MH problems. He was doing really well up until 3 weeks ago, when he went back on the conditions that he was allowed to stay here.

He is moving out tomorrow - for the sake of the DCs more than anything.

My point is that although I know I am not responsible for his behaviour, I am in a constant battle with myself not to blame myself. It's very difficult not to make excuses for them and pretend that the DCs would be better off with their dad around.

I know that you all know this. But when you're in it, it is so easy to blame yourself.

There are two issues here snow. The first is that this situation is not of your making. You are not to blame for the pain that you and your DCs are in. You are the victims and you must NOT give in to that nagging voice that says, "Maybe I'm overreacting" no matter how tempting it is.

The second is that you ARE responsible for the welfare of your children. Having recognised the threat you ARE responsible for protecting them from it.

It's not fair that you have been put in this position - it's not fair that I've been put in this position - but we have to do what is right by those we love. This is the hand we were dealt.

So H goes tomorrow and who knows what the future will bring. No matter what I will know that I have done my best by my family.

Sorry for the ramble about my life.

I hope you find the strength. I know how hard it is.

snow am really happy to hear from you again.
Am really things are deteriorating, but you knew this was coming deep down.
Please will you take this as a sign that you are doing the right thing by going. Him being home all day is going to be a pure nightmare.
You need space, your dd needs space, your ds needs space.
Have you got money? Please spend it on getting away from him. You can worry about the ins and outs of it later.
Can you take dd and ds and get a holiday cottage for a week somewhere to get away from the whole thing. I know you probably don't want to take dd out of school, but i think you need a complete break to get some perspective on the situation and some well deserved chill out time for the 3 of you.
don't tell him where you are going and don't contact him for a week. he won't be able to find you where he might if you stay with a relative or friend.
Please just take some time for yourself and your kids to get some breathing space and to make a more reasoned decision.

xx

hi all,i fnaly got h to go to docs. they prescribed citilopran (sp)adn he is off work for a couple of weeks which is devastating for me as I will ahve him here even more. He is now drinking first thing in the morning. This is horrid. I ma making plans. he will not go - absolutely will not. I don't know how to get him out. My Mum is awaiting a call from WA and will pass info on as she can. This is such shit

snow, sorry to shout but GO TO YOUR MUM'S!

What are you waiting for?

I've been resisting posting on this thread, but speaking as daughter of an alcoholic father I also want to just say it's probably a very good idea to get out now.

They say that alcoholics have to reach their own 'lowest of the low' before things start getting better. Your dh's low point could be a lot lower than you (or he) might ever imagine! Being with family hasn't stopped him getting this far, so no reason to think your sticking around will help him...

schipo - please tell me how is has affected you in your adult life. I am so sorry for you. did your mum move out or stay? i hope I am not too late

Snowkitten it is not too late - you can make a huge difference in your daughters life. If you leave now you will teach her that she matters, you will teach her about self respect and boundaries and with your love she will heal xx

at meds/alcohol combination.

snowkitten citalopram is an excellent drug but is not a cure or an overnight solution. My dh was given it before and tbh it seemed hard to feel that it was getting any easier.

You are not too late to make a difference, but the sooner you go, the quicker you can all start getting over it.

Please get out, get away, sod him, he is an adult and can get help if he needs it, you need to look after yourself and more importantly your children