|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

Snowkitten please I know every bit of what you are going through that was me 4 years ago.I was Ina abusive relationship . It was horrible I did not who I was. It took me two years to leave i left with black bags and fled i have a new life now and am ok.

If i stayed would my children be the beautiful human beings they are now? In a home full of peace and love.Its tough at first thought i would lose mind mind but you have the support of friends which is good.

I got bullied by him over the phone mental abuse financial physical sexual you name it. I am a christian and i believe that if it was not for the love of god i would not be where i am now. I have a new life there is allot of help out their for you. Every day of our life is valuable let no man take that away from you or your children you can cope no, you will cope you, will be ok. All the abuse takes its toll on your mental well being. my ex has got help and we talk but i was angry and bitter for along time. we are not together i hardly see him.

Then i dated some one who started to show signs of abuse i started to over eat and got panic attacks i got rid of him but i saw how all the abuse over the years affected me . I kept the kids informed it was rough on them my son would cry at night cause he missed his friends now they have new friends and are so happy please this could affect the young ones more than you think.I know it is hard the only thing is i am still single because i feel that it keeps me safe from abuse may be one day i will be able to be in a relationship with out being scared.

My golden rule for being a mother the childrens mental well being and safety is paramount. Its there love that pulled me through be strong.

what stops me is FEAR. Not fear of change, I want change. Fear or his twisted and volatile reaction. /this is hard, very hard - he has fucked with ny mind so much that when he is calm and being OK, I question myself. Even thoughb I know that all that has happenedand continues to happen is so wrong. I have promosed myself that i am calling WA and CAB tomoz. I did all my other jobs today so tha tI have free rein. I have promosed myself and I promise you. I need outside info as I really am in a spin. I have a dream of alife and I want that so much. I know only I can do it, but it is hard - he is unstable and unpredictable. At present he is OK, liveable with but this is a lifeling pattern and I know it now. Have to go.......n'nite

EaRTHSTAR - you are so insightful. I will re read your post again tomoz when dd is out! Thankyou

snowkitten, why are you afraid of him? Has he lashed out at you before? Are you afraid he will be violent? Are you frightened he will hurt you and your children?
I think what others have said is right.. if you are frightened of him, what about your kids. Do you want your kids to be frightened of their own parents? That is a truly scary thought I think!
You must stay strong and not let him frighten you any more.

snowkitten can i just reiterate that you are not the baddy here. it is alcholism and mental illness that are the bad guys.
i can appreciate that it takes some time to think through what to do and your head is fuzzy because of what is happening adn you are frightened and confused. therefore takes time for anyone in your situation to decide to leave. it's not always sensible when viewed from outside, but it is perfectly undertandable.
so there is no point pressuring you to leave, but i just wanted to say
i have no direct personal experience of this, but i have worked in a professional context with children who have been in such situations.
so can i just say on the basis of that experience that things will be much better for your children if and when you are able to leave. i am concerned that very shortly DS's behaviour will be significantly affected as he is at a very formative age.
i know there are implications for the children if you do leave, but at the moment i think they need to be around their father for less time.
on another issue, although i do not think that pursuing this should delay you leaving in any way - is there anyone that will talk to your Dh about the rationality or otherwise of his behaviour? a friend, his parents or whatever. i know they might not all see it as much as you but perhaps if it comes from elsehwere he might eventually make that trip to gp or alcohol counselling.

Well done snowK for saying what is stopping you going. It isn's surprising that you are afraid of him and it ounds like you are afraid of what he will do if you do leave.........BUT whatever he does (and it is likely to be more of the same, blaming you and refusing to take responisbility for his behaviour) it will be nowhere near as bad as what is happening now. Once you are no longer under the same roof it will not be as bad - honestly - you have to believe that.

You have been putting off phoning WA for ages now and saying you don't have the time etc. Is it the fear of how he might react if he finds out that you have done this that is stopping you. He can't see inside your head.

I think you have tiptoed around him for so long that you can't see beyond what his reaction might be and the fear of this reaction, as you say. Talk with WA about this for starters.

And yes Earthstar has such good advice.

Let us know when you have contacted WA and keep posting.

Snowkitten be brave and take control of your own destiny, ring womens aid Tomorrow morning and tell them what makes you scared.

If you leave dh I think Nina is right he will probably be very angry initially and womens aid can get you away to a safe place, so that he has lots of time to calm down before you next choose to meet him. And once you have left, if you don't want to meet him on your own then just don't.

You must face your fears, but you don't need to do it alone.

"In between regular episodes of behaving aggressively and drunkenly to me and my kids, dh is fine" what would you advise your dd if she told you that about herself and her life in 10 years time?

Womens aid helped me. You will find that most men that are bullies are cowards.

Earthstar is right. Change must happen and you are the only one who can do it.

If you are afraid of him WA will help you escape safely. If that is the only thing in your way then call them and be free.

If you are the one to make the break then you will be the one with the power. For so long you have felt like you have no control and are just pushed from pillar to post. Now you can stop that. It is scary, but the feeling you get with that is so positive.

I to remember this, but I believe I even skipped around the house for a bit

And I am different now. I am stronger. I won't be treated like that again.

To compare brainwashing stories, the year before things got really bad I actually posted on MN about how I was worried I was abusing my DH! He had me convinced that everything was my fault, my expectations were to high, if I was annoyed because he hadn't done something he had promised to do, then I had anger issues. If I wanted to discuss things with him I was blowing things out of all proportion and trying to destroy his self-esteem. If I avoided talking to him about it then I was sulking and being detached and passive aggressive.

I couldn't win. I thought I was horrible. I tried so hard to be better It was only when he started screaming at me when I was being "perfect" that I realised it wasn't my behaviour at all. It was his.

Being brainwashed doesn't make you weak or stupid (I like to think I'm neither!) but once you realise it is happening then you need to make a decision about trusting yourself and not your DH. You have all these doubts planted by him, but they do not change the facts of what has happened and how scared and trapped you feel.

Listen to Earthstar, please. She is much more eloquent than my rambles.

sending strong vibes snowkitten

"Fear or his twisted and volatile reaction."

i had this conversation with my therapist - "if i do xxx he will get angry" she said - but that is his problem not yours. how he feels is his issue.

it finally made sense to me.

his reaction is his problem - all of it is his problem.

how he decides to react is not your responsibility - you just have to make sure you are safe - and you will be with a place he cannot enter. (do make sure once you leave that you only have contact with him in public place, not on your own, at least for first few months)

you have the right to leave him. you have the right to take your children away from an alcoholic/someone who drinks excessively (and from all the rest but maybe this one thing - drinking - is something EVERYONE - maybe even him - can understand)

Thinking of you and sending you best wishes vibes. How did it go with WA and CAB yesterday?

My stepdad is an alcoholic, although he's been dry since before he met my Mum 15 years ago. His drinking destroyed his first marriage, although he has been able to salvage a good relationship with his now-adult children after many years spent winning back their trust by staying sober. Although he drank for decades - literally - he's now a leading light in his local AA group. The thing that saved him, odd as it sounds, was his first wife kicking him out; he had to reach rock bottom before he could see the reality of his situation.

I am with you in spirit.

How are you snowkitten?

snowkitten, any news? Hope yr ok

sending positive thoughts snowkitten - we're all still here regardless of what is going on x

Hi SnowK - I'm wondering if you've "gone to ground" because you haven't phoned WA or done anything about your situation. If this is the case please don't think you can't continue to post. Posting on here seems to be your only support at the moment - no one will judge you - yes we might get a little frustrated but that is only because we are worried about you.

Please let us know you are OK?

Have emailed snowkitten to check she is ok, waiting for her to get back to me, will keep u all updated!!

Thanks humpty. I hope she gets in touch soon.

Snow, we're all here for you when you need us.

I think you wanted everyone off your back a while ago Snow when you posted that you were "sorted" - so maybe that's the best thing for now. BUT can't help still worrying about you and hoping you are OK. Can you not just post very briefly and let us know you are OK to stop us worrying.

Hey snowkitten - I've been following this for a while now and hope you are doing okay. Difficult times. Please post if you can.

hi snowk,

please drop in just to say you're ok,

you don't have to provide a progress report - just say hi!

thinking of you.

I think snowkitten's silence says it all and we have to respect her wish to drop out of this thread. I know we are all worried and I too wish she would just let us know she is OK but she isn't going to do that so i think we just have to accept that.

ITS SNOWKITTEN HERE Sorry I have been absent. An update. I feel i am failing here. I contacted WA as suggested. they were very supportive etc. but I have not made any progress re: leaving. dh had a couple of good weeks and it was noticeable. dd was happy, I was sceptical but relieved for the temporary peace.things have, of course, reverted. I have an appt with CAB next week. Which is the earliest that I have been able to get childcare to cover the appt time. I think dh is now drinking more. he has been pulled up at work about it. His boss saying that the Director "thought he appeared under the influence of something." He was also challenged about it in his other position. He is still in denial. I have had a long chat wth dd. I know you are all frustrated with me but I am gong at a pace that suits me for now. I will be back. Am currently posting on other threads under another name as dd found out what I was called so I had to change it.

Snowkitten, it's great to hear from you again - we've all been worried. Don't think that we're frustrated with you - you HAVE to take things at your own pace, in your own time. You need to know that you and the children will be ok when/if you leave. Sorry to hear DP's drinking more - it could be that being hauled up at work, and having you leave, may be the wake up call he needs.

Have you thought any more about Al Anon? I've been to four sessions and am finding it really supportive - and DP knows I'm going, which may be one of the reasons (plus his family talking to him over Christmas) why things are better between us. Whatever you do, it'll help to have RL people who understand what you're going through.

Let us know how you get on, but remember, NO PRESSURE !