|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

Don't be afraid of that snowkitten - you're not emigrating to Australia with them, they will be reunited with their (not terribly important) posessions and their (much more important) friend and a good solicitor will get you your home back. GO! Stop kidding yourself, you've just made a new excuse not to go, your kids' stuff. They will be fine. Much more fine than when you make them stay with this man.

snow, staying for your children is at best ridiculous. You are not keeping them in harm's way for their own good. If that's the only reason you're staying then go.

Conversely I asked my H to leave last weekend, for "the sake of the children".

And now I know that I am protecting them, I am giving them my time now. Not him.

He drove your DD to school after he had been drinking! He could have killed her! That is not in her interests.

I really hope you get out snow. I really hope you do.

if he goes completely off the rails you wont have any home or any posessions or even children at all... it is that serious.

you really dont know what he might do.

posesions can be replaced - pack key belongings.

friends - why would they not see them again? where you going?

their home is not a home - is a horrible house to be in .

present it to kids as a big adventure of leaving daddy at home to get well because he is sick and needs some space. and "isnt it great we going to go stay with granma/aunty/friend for a while? " "we can pick up your teddy/doll/favourtite tees shirt later"

Snow, talk to Womens Aid. Please.

Snow - like everyone says no-one thinks you are a "dreadful woman" and I know I was trying to shock you into taking action. I strongly suspect you are suffering from anxiety/depression and totally understandable. Your last post saying you were terrified of staying and of leaving says it all really - this is what extreme anxiety is - being terrified. You need to get help for yourself ASAP - you must get to someone who can help, GP preferably and tell him/her everything and about how you are feeling. If you can't get to a GP go to your neighbour, mother, brother, anyone who you can trust and tell it how it is and get some help. If you leave it any longer and you breakdown completely, this willleave your children totally unprotected. Or phone WA and tell them everything and that you need their help. PLEASE do this soon.

I can understand your scare at uprooting the children but please please believe us that nothing will be so bad as staying where you are.

It would be almost impossible to believe that your mental health has not been affected with all you are going through. If you are anxious/depressed you are probably feeling everything is your fault and you are a terrible mother (and dreadful person) etc etc - snow these are symptoms of anxiety and depression and they need to be treated NOW.

You can make a phone call even if you child is present - put a DVD on or something. Phone someone today please and get some help before things get any worse.
Everyone on this thread is so worried for you and I'm sorry if I upset you.

Snow, nothing more to add to what everyone has said. Really, Snow, it is time to go, for the children's sake. The scene with your dd shocked me. PLEASE Get out. If you can, stay within reach of DD's school as she will need that continuity, but even if you can't the important thing is to get her away from the whole situation at home.

Also, as I said before, find yourself some support from your nearest Al Anon - if you're in a city, there may be several groups within reach, try all of them till you find one you feel happy with. Ask if they have an Al Ateen group - it's for the children of alcoholics and your DD would probably benefit.

But honestly Snow, the important thing now, is to get them and yourself away - especially if he's at home and drinking all day. What kind of half term hol will it be for DD, if she has to be home and see this?! I don't say this lightly, I'm usually one for trying to keep a relationship together, but you MUST put your children first. I have no idea how low your DH needs to go before he realises he needs to make a change, but it seems now that you have to stop worrying about him, stop trying to make it better, stop taking this all on your shoulders. Take your children and go - make that your first move. Don't worry about what to do next - take it one step at a time. If you try to think too far ahead, it will overwhelm you and you will do nothing.

Please Snow, let your next post be to say you are out!

I amm really worried that snow is now too overwhelmed with anxiety to do anything you can't take action/make decisions when you have anxiety/depression even in a moderate form. All the signs are there - snow is talking of being terrified, overwhelmed, terrified to go terrified to stay, too afraid to make phone calls. I have suffered from anx/dep inthe past as many MNs have and those of us who have had this awful illness know how it makes you feel - terrified and closed down. I really think this is what is happening to snow and it can only get worse.

Does anyone know where she is - Humpty - I think you are closest to her - can you phone her GP/WA/her mother/brother/friend for her. Sorry to sound alarmist but I am really worried by her last post.

Snow if you are reading this please believe us we are all worried about you and want to help but can't do anything because this is cyber land.

Have not posted before but lurked. Snow, I can understand the paralysis thing. It is a way of managing anxiety: break life up into little compartments, so you will do X when Y is sorted out, and A when B is finished. But if you're not careful, or are under great stress, nothing ever gets done and the whole of life is on hold.

I think even making the basic preparations to leave sounds too much for you at the moment. Could you ring your brother and ask him to come and collect you and the kids from dd's school? Just jump in the car. Leave everything, literally everything else, until later. You will at least be doing all the practical things you need to do from a place of calm and safety, and with help.

Have emailed you snow

Tbh snowkitten you do seem to be paralysed with depression/anxiety. Can you just drive to your mums And stay there for a bit, see how things look from there? It's almost half term anyway, so go now, don't wait a second longer.

You seem to have lost all perspective on your situation and you're not going to get it back whilst you're still immersed in it all. You sound like you need external help even more than your dh does - you say you have support available from family and friends, there are also agencies like wa who can support you and mumsnetters too - let people help you.

I am worried about what will happen whilst you try to stick it out at home as you sound quite vulnerable and passive.

Hold out your hand, let someone help you, you don't need to get through this by yourself.

well said earthstar I'm sure we would all be willing to hold your hand a little bit or a lot, whatever you need. We are all desparate for your situation to improve one way or another.
xx

snowkitten, speak to us! Are you okay?

sorry - been mega busy. will be back this evening hoepfully. thanks

btw - am feeling better, strong, not going under. really.

Hi snow, so nice to hear from you.

Spill, vent or whatever you want.

We are here.

thank you. still here, still floundering. things calmer. h off work for fuck knows how long. (he was signed off for 2 weeks but will not be gong back that soon as he has made no progress) he was prescribed citilopran (?) but only took them for 3 days. I give up on him. he is sneaking drinks when he can but still in denial. Getting on my fucking nerves. never out of the house though i am out with lo's every day. busy having fun. he is getting sympathy heaped on hin from all quarters but not from me as they don't know the truth of the matter.Don't know wht the feck I am doing next - he will pro bably die of liver failure before i do anything anyway. more later

Snowkitten - just leave- please

Tis good to hear you're feeling strong.

Just be careful you don't use up all that positive strength in living with him - in feeling brave and tough and rising above his stupidity.

Use your strength to sort out an alternative place to live for you and your dc's...for a few months. Use this calm-ish period to sort something out for your immediate future, you know that the shit will hit the fan again sometime soon...so prepare for it.

By staying you are simply keeping the status quo for your dh, what possible motivation does he have to get better?

I don't want to just keep ranting...leave him, leave him, leave him.

I do understand it's not easy.

Well Snow - you have clearly made the decision to stay in this relationship. Your life your choice of course. This doesn't mean that the time will not come when you are ready to leave - I only hope that this is in time for your children to enjoy some of their childhood free from living in this state of fear and tension. I also hope that your daughter does not resent you in her adult life, for not making the decision to protect her in her childhood. There are many many women on MN who resent their mothers for this very reason and are unable to enjoy a positive relationship with her in their adult life.

Anyway I'm glad to hear you aren't going under, as I suspected a little while ago.

Hoping that you will stay strong whatever you do.

hi all - thanks for posting even though I have been absent. we have had a lovely half term holiday which dd has emjoyed immensely (and ds) visiting friends and family etc. there was no tension as h was out of the equation as i did not include hin in amy arrangements. he mostly rested and pottered around. I do not know what i will do in the future, but i am revvin up for change - big change. it is just taking me longer than I would have anticipated. We are not in a volatile household for now. hte ad's have kicked in and h seems calmer. I know he is still drinking but not around dd. i desperatedly want a way out but going to WA safe house is not it. I will stay in touch as i do need your clarity and perspective. Thank you

hi all - thanks for posting even though I have been absent. we have had a lovely half term holiday which dd has emjoyed immensely (and ds) visiting friends and family etc. there was no tension as h was out of the equation as i did not include hin in amy arrangements. he mostly rested and pottered around. I do not know what i will do in the future, but i am revvin up for change - big change. it is just taking me longer than I would have anticipated. We are not in a volatile household for now. hte ad's have kicked in and h seems calmer. I know he is still drinking but not around dd. i desperatedly want a way out but going to WA safe house is not it. I will stay in touch as i do need your clarity and perspective. Thank you

NINA - this house is not full of fear and tension - not now at least. my children have a fantastically full and loving life. we do not live in squalor or hopelessness. dc's are lovely, loving and loved by all the family. I will steer them through this in the best way I can. With them at the very forefront of my mind ALWAYS.

not digging at you - just want you to get a bit more of the picture in focus